What did I get myself in to?!

[macksmom]

So DD2 started preschool this week. She is having a rough time She totally broke down when I picked her up on Tues. This morning she said she didn't want to go. I am having a hard time with this since DD1 was SO easy! Anyway, mid-breakdown on the first day she asked if we could go to McDonald's (a "sometimes food" in our house). I said totally. I would have given her ANYTHING at that moment lol.

Today she was not waiting to even leave the house. I talked about all the fun things she would do and all the nice stuff we could do when she came home. She asked if we could go to McD again! Again, defenseless I said yes To top it off they told me she cried while she was there and she did again when I picked her up

I am going with whatever works at the moment but this sucks! How am I going to get out of this?

[MomOfAnOnly]

What is it she likes there? Maybe you could try giving her an alternative that isn't as "bad"?

My DD loves chocolate shakes from anywhere, and my mom is horrible about getting one for her when we go to Walmart (McD's inside the store). I'm not completely opposed to just the shakes, but my DH thinks anything from there is the equivalent to poison, so I had to do something different. Now I make her a chocolate shake at home BEFORE we go to Walmart, and she brings it in the car and into the store.
We frequently do the same thing with chicken nuggets. She loves getting them- usually from Wendy's- but I'm not that thrilled about it. I found at the store some she likes and that I can live with the ingredients, and I make her those when we get home instead of stopping to get something on our way.
This probably only works with her because we frequently have conversations about HFCS, sugar, food coloring, MSG, etc, and how it isn't good for our bodies/teeth/etc. and that they make us not feel good so we limit how much of those things we eat. I usually also have to explain that I look for and only buy foods that don't have the yucky ingredients in them, so it's a better way to occasionally enjoy those things.

I'm so sorry she's having such a rough time at school. That's heartbreaking that she cries so much about it

[DucksLikeRain]

You would never guess it now if you knew me IRL but this was my exact coping mechanism for Scharae and preschool while Keira was in Kindergarten and even last year when K was in all day 1st grade and S was in part-day kinder. She would just be a wreck because things weren't "right" or "the same" or whatever the case may be. And in desperation to not have school be such a negative and to have something hugely positive (in her mind) be waiting for her at the end I would take her to McDs. At least twice a week. Bad on so many levels-the stupid toys she'd get and then Keira wouldn't have one and the hurt feelings she'd have, the money I was spending, the ease in getting that food instead of putting effort into lunch, the horrible coping skills that teaches...on and on.

I let it go on for awhile. Then pulled back to Fridays being our day to go to lunch and I started to slip in "this is mom's turn to choose where we go to lunch" and sometimes it was a picnic, sometimes it was to Nana's for a lunch date, sometimes to a cafe. Then by the end of last year-when she was 5 so older than your DD obviously, and yet this started when she was 3-we started having more intensive conversations about health and healthy food. I let her come to her own conclusions regarding McDs and the health of it, or not. She's 6 now and McDs is now "when we're on a road trip or mom is having a bad day" () in her mind.

Moral of my story is I think it's super normal to go through phases, especially "do what works and gets you through" phases, when it comes to food and what our kids are eating. 80/20 is such a great philosophy and really has helped me not beat myself up over the 20, as long as I do my best on the 80. So in that theory as long as no more than 4 meals a week are McD caliber, you're doing great!

[Bridget]

Personally, I would try to think of an alternative. I'm not judging you AT ALL, Am. I think you're a kick arse mama. I just feel like it's sets kids up for bad habits to use junk food as a comfort or reward. For her to go to school to earn McDonalds just makes no sense as far as their relation to each other, you know? She cried anyway at school, right? So it's not helping her cope.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. I realize I have strong opinions on this and don't want to offend you.

[macksmom]

I feel better knowing I am not the only one who has done this I appreciate all the advice. I could try to find an alternative....we came home and made a pizza and froze it for another day which was fun. She also got me to let her play Thomas on the computer...she is just pulling out all the stops lol. I am gonna let it go for at least another week. She has only been going for 1 hour this week. Next week is only 1 day but the full time (2.5 hours). Hopefully by the week after she will be more used to it. And yeah holy crap it's expensive! $10 each time (because of course I had to get something too )......so bad.....

Bridget I totally appreciate your honesty! I agree - I said to my mom last time that I hope food or ESPECIALLY fast food isn't a way she found to cope. DD1 is totally underweight....I am pretty sure DD2 could have the potential to be overweight. I am convinced DD1 is the type who can eat anything she wants and not gain weight. Anyway, you are totally right and I have thought of all of that...but in the moment I just panic and go along with it.

I guess I will give it a few more times and try to wean us off. I talk about how it's a sometimes food but I don't think she gets it. I also thing because I have the baby my defenses are down more (not to blame her or anything). It's really hard to get DD1 ready and off to school, then DD2 (who fights me) with a baby in the mix who doesn't like to be put down and sometimes cries in the car - so I have to time it so that the baby is awake while we are at home so she will sleep for the car ride which means she may be fussing at home while I am trying to get the older girls ready. On Tues I was SO stressed I seriously thought I would have a nervous breakdown. So I think we are all adjusting here and I just have to succumb to whatever works.

I do want to make sure she doesn't start to associate food with comfort. Hard to do in an Italian family

ETA: I remembered that there is a pizza place down the block....I can probably at least wean from the McD to pizza (and I don't consider NY pizza fast food or even all that unhealthy because it's all made from scratch every day with fresh, basic ingredients). So maybe that would work. It's way better than McD. Then soon it will be too cold to walk there and we can just come home for lunch ;)

BTW now I TOTALLY want a chocolate shake!!!!

[MomOfAnOnly]

Bridget makes a good point about food as a reward. I admit we do it here sometimes, but it's not the only reward (we normally call food items "treats", but even that I'm not 100% satisfied with). For rewards she's earned trips to Target (even just to window shop), chuck e cheese, the park, a toy--- granted you can't do something like that every time your DD goes to school, but maybe she can earn stickers for a chart and once she fills up the chart she can pick an activity?

And definitely have a chocolate shake! I make Emme's with whole milk, a sliced frozen banana, a few cubes of ice, and chocolate syrup (homemade). If she just wants a banana shake, I leave out the chocolate syrup and add a little bit of raw honey

[Bridget]

See, here I go again, but I am not a fan of rewarding expected behavior. It's that whole intrinsic value thing. And maybe I'm a little too worried about that kind of stuff because I live with a man who lacks the desire to much at all unless it has a direct reward for him. I don't want my children growing up thinking they need to be rewarded for everything.
Am, does she have to go to preschool? Is there any way you could ask her to stick it out until, say, Christmas and then if she really still hates it she doesn't have to keep going. That's what I'm doing for Savana. She's not adjusting well this year at all. I don't want to encourage her to quit so I'm hoping if she sticks it out that long she may decide she likes it but if it's not working out, we'll go back to homeschooling her.

[macksmom]

I have no problem pulling her out if need be but its too early to tell right now. She was off today for the jewish holiday but will start her "full" day (2.5 hrs) on thurs. She has been whining about not wanting to go since last week so i have no idea what to expect on thurs i guess i will see. I dont have too much of an issue with continuing to use food as the "reward" for now as long as i can wean her soon. I bribed DD1 with a peppermint patty to sit in circle time in her gym class years ago and it never caused issues. I just had to do it for a bit and there were no lasting food/reward issues. Not sure if she will feel she needs to be rewarded for everything she does but i am hoping not. It doesnt seem so at the moment...