I'm going nuts...

[Inca]

Remy next year will be going to an "at risk" preschool, mostly for his speech but also because of what I am going through with his behaviour. These problems I've been having basically since I opened my in home daycare, a little over a year ago. HE IS A TERROR. He is mean to the children, pushes them, hits, and does not share well AT ALL. I feel bad for them. They normally just run away from him, but they shouldn't have to! They should feel safe here! And now that Seren is getting bigger he tries to do the same to her. Not hit her, thankfully, but he'll push her away from his toys, sometimes causing her to bonk her head. I am seriously at my wits end with this. I have tried separating him, but he doesn't like that. I have tried helicoptering him, and that works fine for a while but he will still do it when I am right there. I have lately been losing it out of frustration. Yelling and spanking. I hate hate hate that side of myself, but like I said, I am just SO SO SO fed up with it. You know, mama bear has to protect her cub. I have basically just stopped putting her anywhere near him, but that's not fair to her since she is just exploring. Normal baby stuff. There has got to be a better way. Help?

[Inca]

And yes, I am completely aware that spanking a child for hitting is completely unacceptable. Hence why I feel so horribly about it. But like I said, I am really really at a loss as to what to do.

I've also tried continuously to model empathy as well. To show him how to give "nice touches" to Seren and the other kids. And he does, for a while. But as soon as my back is turned, he pushes again. I just feel like a horrible mother and daycare provider because of this problem.

[Lillismom]

Liz, ugh, that has to be so hard. Did this start when you first got pregnant with Seren? Do you think it is a jealousy issue with just wanting your attention on him and no one else?

[Inca]

I think it is territorial. It started when I opened the daycare and he had to start sharing his toys.

[Inca]

I also think it is partially to do with his limited vocabulary. :-\

[Lillismom]

Have you ever allowed anyone else to babysit him? I know it sounds like a stupid question, but has he ever had another adult supervise him? How does he act?

[Inca]

One or two times his grandma has watched him here. Both times were before Seren was born.

[texaschic]

I deal with similar behavior with my oldest as well. It is so.so.so frustrating and exhausting. On one hand I feel badly for my younger DS bc he gets the worst of it but then I'm guessing my older DS must be having some awful feelings himself to behave so aggressively. Just thinking off the top of my head as to what I do: put 'his' toys out of reach of others and let him know those are his and only his but he must share all the other toys. If he still refuses to share, you could take away a toy of his.

Everytime he hits or pushes, take away that toy completed or redirect him to another toy.

My son is also speech delayed and if he is frustrated by trying to tell me something, I'll ask him to 'show me'. He will calm down once i understand what he wants.

Just another thought, since you do have other kids in the house, is there a room he could play in by himself but still be able to get to you?

Good luck! I can totally emphasize what you're going through, and from one mama to another..it sucks.

[sookie4415]

my best friend runs a daycare...she had some issues with her middle son biting and pushing etc...give him several toys that are his favorite and belong only to him...let him put those toys in his room and know that he can keep them in there and not share or take them out, but then has to share...sort of giving him good choices to be able to make on his own. I think its hard for kids of daycare providers because all of a sudden everything that was once theirs is everyones and nothing seems to be jsut theirs anymore. She kept things separate so her kids did not have to share their rooms...just a thought?

Hang in there, it has to be tough...

[Gwenn]

My thoughts are to make sure he has a space he can go to that is "his.". That way he has somewhere he can go when he is frustrated by the other kids, and he has some things he knows others aren't going to play with. I would also model asking nicely for what he wants each and every time. Not punishing if he doesn't but making sure he has that model and give him a chance to repeat it. Also work on having him ask to go to his own space for a break - even if he has a card or something he can give you even if he's too frustrated to talk, he has a way to let you know he is overwhelmed. Hope this helps some.

[ktsmile]

I am sorry you are going through this. I can very much relate. I agree speech delay may be part of it. I understand what you are going through...my 4.5 year old son and his issues...and then he is horrible horrible to his brother (1.5) it has been very tough and reading your post we have some of the same prolems. It is extremely exhausting. I dont have any answers other than you're not alone!!

[KJBriesacher]

I must say that I do agree with the speech delay playing a part and giving him a space that is just his. I have a 4, almost 5, yr old that is very territorial right now. He has recently had to start sharing more of his toys as my younger son is getting older. I think it is normal for this age group to go through possessive phases and the fact that he has a speech delay might be frustrating him as well. A suggestion might be to tell him when he needs to take a break.
Have him walk away for a bit, go to a quiet room and then come back. Praying that you can find an option that works well for you both.