How did you space your children?

[AuGratin]

Did you decide how far apart to have your kids, or did you just go for it? (Sorry for the long post and the silly poll. I'm sure I left lots of potential answers off the poll - no offense intended!)

I've had a rough start to motherhood: tough pregnancy, terrible postpartum depression, crazy physical problems, no family support except for DH, and - most of all - complete feelings of inadequacy at being a Mom (I came from a terrible Mom who had no nurturing bone in her body, so I worried my whole life I'd be no good at it.).

Thankfully, most of that is behind me now and I LOVE being a Mom. My little boy has become the greatest love of my life and his smile and laugh makes my world go round! I often think about when it might be wise to have another little one but am afraid of the next time being just as rough as the first. Every time I ask experienced Moms about their 2nd or 3rd (or 6th) times, they often tell me that each time is JUST AS HARD AS THE FIRST, at least for a while. ACK!

I'd like to think my first time was so hard simply because I had some extra psychological baggage on board, but I also don't want to fool myself. My biggest fear is that I'll be such a wreck for those first 4-6 months, that I won't be able to care for my DS! That said, in spite of everything, I still think I want to have another baby (or more) because I want my son to have siblings and know what those relationships are like, and I want our wonderful little family to grow bigger. Perhaps the next time, I can take the medicines to stop the morning sickness earlier, and I can take the PPD medicines earlier too - maybe I could have a totally different pregnancy and postpartum time? I'm 33 and I have fertility issues, so I'm also feeling a bit of pressure time-wise to start trying since it took so long to conceive DS.

So, I want to know how you decided how far to space your children. Specifically, if any of you had traumatic pregnancies or terrible PPD with your first, I would love to hear your logic on how you decided to proceed with and time your next pregnancy. How did you know you were ready to go for it?

And if anybody has a story about the start getting ANY easier (emotionally) with subsequent children, I'd love to hear it. I'm not talking about the all-nighters, breastfeeding, and that stuff - that stays the same and is tough, but I'm talking more about the confidence and emotional stuff - did that get better for you with subsequent children?

Thanks ladies.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

Our children are a little more than 2 years apart. I always wanted children between 2-3 years apart. DS1 was very high needs (and still is). My thinking was that there would be no baby that could be as tough as him. My second is much easier. I found the transition to two babies a LOT easier than going to one. The confidence was definitely there. I'd already been through it all, so it definitely made things easier and less stressful.

[misfit]

Well, I got baby fever bad after Sam was born so we just started trying. No plan on spacing. They ended up 23 months apart. Evelyn was a completely surprise and her and E will be 26 months apart or so. So we didn't really make a decision.

[CorpsmanWife]

I could have wrote this thread! I went through a lot of the things you went through. My labor and birth was so traumatic for me that it sent me on a downward spiral. PPD kicked in the second week PP. I also didn't have hardly any help because we are a military family and had recently moved. I was for sure I wasn't ever going to have another kid. Don't get me wrong, I wanted more but couldn't imagine going through all that again. After some time went by I found my confidence as a mother. We are expecting our second in Sept. Which will make our kids 23 months apart. DD is very high maintenance so as long as this baby is easier, I should be fine. ;) I think DD was around 1 when I realized I could do it again.

[Woogelaide]

We waited until my son's first birthday, but he was 3 1/2 by the time my daughter arrived. And it was soooo much easier becoming a mom the 2nd time around. I already new what I needed to know about mothering a newborn. It was a much more relaxing and enjoyable event the second time.

[moosh34]

I had a lot of prodromal labor with ds which was frustrating and ended up with a pretty stressful birth experience. Ds was taken right to the NICU despite being a 9 lb 7 oz baby born past his due date. He was treated in the NICU for GBS for a week. It was hard to have him there and breastfeeding was hard for the first 6 weeks. I also had a hard time transitioning from being an independent working person to being a SAHM. I didn't have family nearby either. We planned to have a second when ds was 2.5. We stared trying to get pregnant right after moving out of my parent's house (we lived there for 6 months while dh did his student teaching.) It took almost a year to get pregnant so ds was a little over 3 when dd was born. I still had prodromal labor with dd and it was still frustrating, but I was prepared to deal with it. I had a great (med-free) birth experience with her and everything else was much easier too. Sure, it was still exhausting and an adjustment, but breastfeeding was a piece of cake and I knew what I was doing as a mom. You know what to watch for now and you can use that knowledge to make the next time around a better experience.

[Marquette Fan]

I wanted about 2 years between my first and second. I thought that would be a nice gap and didn't want my first to be too old when I had my 2nd as I figured it would be harder to go back to having a baby the older #1 got. I also knew I'd probably have a hard time getting pregnant. I ended up with 2.5 years between #1 and #2 but I never got the chance to see how that would work out as Tyler passed away at 12 days old.

I ended up with 4.5 years between DD1 and DD2 - in some ways it was nice b/c DD1 is fairly independent now and understood when I couldn't do things like carry her when I was pregnant and can do some things for herself while I'm taking care of DD2. But it was really hard to go back to having a baby after 4.5 years and I wonder how close they'll be growing up since there is such a gap.

I want to try for one more and in an ideal world I'd try for a two year gap. But with my age (turn 39 soon) and my infertility problems I can't afford to wait too long. We'll probably start TTC around the time DD2 turns 9 months old.

Oh and yes my confidence and emotions are much better than they were with DD1. I'm also a lot more laid back about things than I was then.

[caligirl07]

We didn't really try any type of space, I had to stop nursing to get pregnant and we ended up with a 2.5 year gap, then it would have been a 2 year 3 month gap but I miscarried so now it's an almost 3 year gap.

Going from 1-2 kids was way easier then going from 0-1! Big time, I was adjusted to being selfless vs selfish, knew what to expect, I was already a sahm so it wasnt suddenly adjusting to being alone and all that...

[mommabert]

Well I only have the one kiddo but when I married my DH his kids are around the same age as me and I didn't marry him thinking that he'd want to start all over so I just figured I'd never have kids. Then a few years into our marriage he said, "We should have a baby. You'd be a great mom." By the time G was born, DH's oldest kid was 32 and his younger (now middle) child was 28.

[dunegirl]

I want my kids to be between 2-3 years apart. I will not dtd until that time frame comes lol.

[lfryc]

Mine are 2 years, 2 months apart. We wanted them close together, and with my age (36 when ds was born, 38 with dd) I did not want to be any older! The first year with two was a little tough since our ds was not fond of his little sister... BUT when she became mobile and could follow him all that changed. They are 5 and 3 now and best friends... well worth the being so tired and stressed that first year!

[ibisgirldc]

We only have one (naturally - hoping to foster/adopt at some point). But if we had tried for another, we'd have probably started again pretty quickly. I'm old so the window was pretty narrow risk-wise. If I were alot younger, I think that trying again after 2 is about perfect.

[TripMomma]

We like the 2 1/2-3 1/2 age gap, so we shoot for that.

[AmeriBrit]

I voted for other. We always knew we wanted at least 2 children, but didn't have any idea how far apart they should be. Before I had kids, I thought a 5 year age gap would be good, but as soon as I had my first, I knew I wanted them closer than that so that they'd play together better and to be finished with the baby stage sooner (I really didn't enjoy the baby stage much, no ppd or anything, just found it all a bit tedious!)

MTA: Mine are 28 months apart with a m/c that happened between them.

[emma1978]

My kids are 26 months apart. I was 32 when i had my son and had to do fertility treatments so i didnt wabt to wait too long. My dd was a natural conception but after 6 months of trying. My pregnancies and recoveries were very easy but i found 2 kids challenging. It feels like they each dont get as much attn as they should

[MammaMia]

Our second was a surprise. Our kids are 3 years 4 months apart and it's been great. In some ways I think it would be nice to have a closer age gap, but I'm very happy DD1 was fully potty trained and in preschool when DD2 was born. DD1 has been such a great little helper and there's enough of an age gap that she doesn't really see her as a rival.

I think I would have lost my mind if I'd had to deal with two really little ones, but who knows. Maybe it's not as hard as I think it would be?

[Smplyme89]

Our decision to TTC again in November is based on external factors that have very little to do with Nolan's age. Ideally though, with no fertility issues, and assuming I could get pg on my own, my idea age gap would be 3 or so years. At that point there is a level of independence and that helps make more time for a new squishy LO.

If we get pg right away. DS will be about 30mths or so.

[Jai]

M was a surprise for us.. us only being 17 when we got pregnant. We wanted to wait for any future children until after we were married. We got married 3 years after we had M. We had P when M was 5. And then we had J when P was 2.5.

It was a nice age gap, for all of them but ideally I would have liked to have my kids 2-3 years apart. P and J are best friends. They're very close. M isn't close with P or J in a "friends" kind of way, more of a motherly type of way. They look up to her.

#2 and #3 were much easier transitions than going from 0 to 1.

[xtrememousey]

we sort of planned. i battled infertility for 3 and a half years with cam which included 3 m/c. i knew i didn't want 2 under 2 so i got the mirena 6 weeks pp. got it out 1 month before cam turned 2 and tried naturally for a year with the promise to my dh that i would 100% wean cam to go back on my fertility drug regimen when cam turned 3. 1 year almost to the day on dec. 4 2011 i got a surprising bfp that stuck and will be my healthy baby boy #2 (declan) in just about 10 weeks.

[tanyachap]

We only have one (naturally - hoping to foster/adopt at some point). But if we had tried for another, we'd have probably started again pretty quickly. I'm old so the window was pretty narrow risk-wise. If I were alot younger, I think that trying again after 2 is about perfect.

Pretty similar thinking here. We started trying after DS1 was 8 months and got PG with DS2 when DS 1 was about 13 months. We were going to stop trying and go down the adoption route if we could not conceive within a certain time frame. Age being the one and only consideration. If we were younger, I would have wanted at least 3 kids and we were gonna wait when DS1 was 2 years before trying for #2.

[hotpinkmomma0811]

I didn't really want another baby until Cody was about 2 years 7 months. We talked it over and started to try. Having a second child has been very difficult. If I would have known then what I known now. I would have waited until Cody was in kindergarten.

[froggie83]

we waited till #1 was 1 year old. and now were done

[preciousnd98]

Ours will be almost exactly 3 years apart (or maybe even to the day!) our original plan was to start TTC when Olivia was 9 months old since it took us a year and a half. But we both knew we were not ready at that pOint for another. So we just kept putting it off until we both decided we were ready. After 6 months we went back to our RE and got lucky with our first round of IUI this time

[JMO2]

I Voted Just Do It! Though we don't currently have any kids but that is how I want to have them. I'm on the cusp of 30 and would like them to be all graduated close to graduated when I turn 50. And the plan is to have 3, we will see how that goes...

[EvaElizabeth]

I had my ds1 when I was 16. At that point I didnt know if I wanted other children, ever!

Years went by.... We wanted to have another baby, but we just didnt feel financially ready. In 2009 we bought a home and finally decided things were falling into place. Ds1 & ds2 are 7 years apart. I knew when gentry was born I wanted another close in age. We tried for 6 mos before I got pregnant... We are expecting in september and these boys will be just under 2 years apart (there will be a 9 year gap between my oldest & youngest).

I was really worried about the big age difference, but let me tell you, my boys loooove each other so much!!!!!

[Sugar&Spice]

The recovery w/ DS took a long time for me. I didn't feel right physically until 1 yr PP, and didn't feel like myself until 2 yrs PP. A lot of that had more to do with the lack of sleep and lack of help/support than age (39). I always wanted more kiddos so I knew we had to start the fertility journey again quickly (knowing it would take longer than we'd expect) but I couldn't even fathom the idea until I had some rest, got more support from DH, and had some time to really bond with DS. We started when DS was 18 mo old and got PG when he was 32 mo. I would've preferred to wait until he was 2 yrs old and space them about 3 yrs apart, but knew with age and fertility issues that we could end up missing our window of opportunity. As it is, DS and the twins will be 40 mo apart, so just over 3 yrs. The gap seems much bigger when I consider that they'll be 4 yrs apart in school, and I would've liked them to be 3 yrs apart in school, but am just thankful that we're PG after such a long journey.

ETA: As far as feeling secure about mommyhood, etc., I'm not worried, but I also wasn't with DS. I'd always wanted to be a mom, and was a long time babysitter and nanny. I was always surrounded by LOs and I read, planned, and experienced everything I could while in the long wait. For me, the real worry is being able to sleep and physically keep up with 3 LOs.

[macksmom]

Age gap was really the determining factor for us. We (I) wanted the kids about 2-3 years apart. I really wasn't ready to get pregnant again before DD1 turned 2 but I realized I needed to do it if we wanted the 2-3 age gap. So I did. They are 2.5 years apart. It was SO hard because DD2 was incredibly high needs but now that they are older I am so glad we did it that way. They are so close and I think the age gap is perfect.

I wanted #3 to also be the same age gap but as I mentioned DD2 was so challenging that there was NO WAY I could imagine being pregnant again when she was around 2. Also my brother was getting married last year out of state and it was stressful enough with the 2 girls in the wedding. We were also in the process of buying a house that summer. I figured #3 would probably be about a month or 2 old so I thought with all those factors it was best to wait. SOOOOOO glad we did! I got pregnant a month after my brother's wedding and the timing couldn't have been better. I am due in a few weeks - school will be out, my mom will be off for the summer, DH will be off for 2 weeks and my girls are both old enough to stay by my mom's and I am totally comfortable leaving them with her. It just worked out really great. I would have liked for them to be closer in age but this still works for us. The baby and DD2 will be 3y4m apart and DD1 almost 5y10m. A bit further than I had hoped. 2.5 and 5 would have been ideal but for the sake of comfort I am glad we waited and did it this way.

There are benefits to all age gaps. Now that my kids are older it is A LOT easier on me while pregnant. I am hoping they are pretty helpful with the baby. When DD2 was born, DD1 was only 2.5 and still in diapers and still basically a baby herself. It was hard. So while I love their age gap I can see how this will be great too.

Think it through. Whatever you decide will be the best decision for your family.

[kellyowens]

...I'm so sorry you had a rough go of things the first time around!

I chose "other" because we made a decision early in our marriage not to prevent conception...in a sense we "let it happen" but out of 17 pgs I have known all but one time when I ovulated so it was always a conscious choice. Was I always ready?? LOL, I doubt it ...but of the many challenges that have arisen none have been insurmountable and all have been worth it. Our children don't stay little forever...life goes on and time changes things. More challenges come because of it but with every obstacle you overcome your level of confidence grows...know you can do it and you will .

The little years are tough...they just are, but having gotten beyond those years with some of my kids I'm finding myself enjoying the little ones even more. Time has gotten away from me and I took those years for granted when my oldest were little. I can't emphasize enough how worth it it is...I can't imagine my life without any one of my kiddos but if I could get back those first years with my older kids, wow, knowing what I know now...I would have appreciated it so much more and scrapped so much stuff that was just plain 'ol unimportant even though it seemed so important at the time .

*IT HAS BEEN WORTH IT ALL* !

[Ky'sMom]

My kids are 6.5 years apart. I initially wanted them 4 years apart, but my son was very high strung and so I put it off. He finally got calmer at 4 and I was so enjoying him that I wanted to enjoy him a little longer before we had another. I love the age gap because I got to enjoy both of their babyhoods and toddlerhoods. Ky was in school when Elle was born (1st grade) and having her to myself all day was a treasure to me and I really did enjoy all the time I spent with her just looking at her little baby face.

Ky was a difficult toddler and I felt he needed a lot of attention and I am glad I didn't have any other kids around so that I could give him what he needed. Elle is not as...I'll say "needy" as he was, but she is just a joy, very calm and just a sweet girl who is extremely funny and she likes for us to look at her and listen to her pretty much all the time and I am happy to do that with her.

Surprisingly, they play very well together. I wouldn't think they would, but Ky loves his little sister (for now at least) and he always wants her to come with him outside to play or play in each other's rooms and such. We have a good gap IMO. DH wants another but I don't but if we did, I'd want them at least 5 years apart as well so that I would get that one on one time with each child.

Erin

[hotpinkmomma0811]

...I'm so sorry you had a rough go of things the first time around!

I chose "other" because we made a decision early in our marriage not to prevent conception...in a sense we "let it happen" but out of 17 pgs I have known all but one time when I ovulated so it was always a conscious choice. Was I always ready?? LOL, I doubt it ...but of the many challenges that have arisen none have been insurmountable and all have been worth it. Our children don't stay little forever...life goes on and time changes things. More challenges come because of it but with every obstacle you overcome your level of confidence grows...know you can do it and you will .

The little years are tough...they just are, but having gotten beyond those years with some of my kids I'm finding myself enjoying the little ones even more. Time has gotten away from me and I took those years for granted when my oldest were little. I can't emphasize enough how worth it it is...I can't imagine my life without any one of my kiddos but if I could get back those first years with my older kids, wow, knowing what I know now...I would have appreciated it so much more and scrapped so much stuff that was just plain 'ol unimportant even though it seemed so important at the time .

*IT HAS BEEN WORTH IT ALL* !

You are awesome!