Close family member - question

[nostoppingme]

Ladies - I have a family member who was going through the early phase of adoption through the state program and she has recently had a very upsetting experience...she is a single 44 year old with no kids. Because she probably can't conceive on her own at her age and since she doesn't have a significant other, we talked her into looking at adoption and took her to orientation 6 months ago. She was working with a case worker and going through the required classes and scheduling her home study. Unfortunately, she got into some trouble. This is so hard because she has never had any legal issues ever and now this is so unfortunate and untimely. She ran off the road when a car cut in front of her coming home from a date, but she had had 2 drinks and the officer who saw her loose control of her car and went to check on her decided to do a sobriety test because he smelled alcohol. Well, she got hit with a DUI. Not good. Now she is devastated. She is embarrased and ashamed and also angry because she hadn't had much to drink and wan't pulled, just so happened a cop saw her loose control of her car. Our side of town doesn't take drinking and driving very lightly, nor should they, considering the deaths DUI's have contributed to. However, she is upset because she passed the sobriety test, but the cop felt she would show positive on a breathalizer and took her in. She did blow a positive and was charged.

So, my question is, should she completely give up on the adoption or wait 6-12 months and them pursue and let them know what had happened? Will she even be considered if she has a DUI on her record? She is my sister ladies...I am so sad for her and I know she would not drink and drive if she were intoxicated. She is in radio promotions (past 14 years), so she does drink sociably. It is not illegal to consume alcohol and drive, but you must maintain your "faculties". Loosing control of a car is normally an indication of a person not in control of their faculties, but she said she was avoiding an aggressive driver who cut her off when he came off an exit and she was trying to get over to get off on her exit. Any advise or input is greatly appreciated!

[Lillismom]

If the cop did a breathalyzer and she was over the legal limit, then she was drinking under intoxication. Yes? And now she's paying the consequences for making a bad decision. I don't know about the adoption, but can she call the agency she is working with to see what they say?

[Cosmosmom]

Honestly it would probably be a problem for our agency. But even bigger problem if she didn't tell them about it.

[As Is]

Honesty is always best with social workers. How they address it really depends on the agency & what the police report says.

I would get the report then call and schedule a face to face meeting with her worker but I would also do it ASAP.

[ibisgirldc]

she should speak to a lawyer who specializes in DUI to see if there's a way to get the charge removed.

[kellyowens]

I have no idea but I'm so sorry to hear this !! I'm sure she's feeling very discouraged but I definitely don't think she should give up . There are often many obstacles when it comes to adoption...this probably seems insurmountable but I don't think it is.

I had "eating disorder" in my home study. We had to have an extra visit from our SW and I had to have a document signed by my dr stating that the issue had been adequately addressed and I was mentally competent to adopt a child. I was so embarrassed and worried that it'd affect our ability to adopt but our SW reassured me that it wasn't going to be a big deal .

I'm so glad you're helping your sister!! She'll need all the support she can get...it can be such a nerve-wracking process!!

Please KUP!

[christianaaa]

I'm so sorry she's going through this right now. DBF was recently charged with DUI. He was able to get a lawyer and have all the charges dropped (given he pays his fines and takes a drug/alcohol class). It was a one time thing for him - he doesn't even go out anymore. But, he was able to keep his license and once all his fines are paid it comes off his record completely. I have no experience with adoption, but I would have to agree with PP that honesty is the probably the best policy in this case.

[nostoppingme]

Thank you all for your replies. She does plan to disclose the information, but at this point she is feeling it is pointless to even proceed. The agency had stated at orientation that they are mostly making sure there is no violent crimes in any applicants criminal recite. Her fear is this is new. Had it been from 10 years ago, she would feel more confident. She is a good person and she would make a great parent, so I'm hopeful. Thanks again!!

[nostoppingme]

Record...not recite...sorry!

[kellyowens]

Thank you all for your replies. She does plan to disclose the information, but at this point she is feeling it is pointless to even proceed. The agency had stated at orientation that they are mostly making sure there is no violent crimes in any applicants criminal recite. Her fear is this is new. Had it been from 10 years ago, she would feel more confident. She is a good person and she would make a great parent, so I'm hopeful. Thanks again!!

It's not pointless to proceed at all!! She wants to be a Momma and that's worth pressing on for ! Please encourage her to keep moving forward and do what she has to...this incident is a big deal *to her* but I seriously doubt it's not the first time the agency has had an applicant that ended up with a DUI at some point in the adoption process . She's embarrassed and that's understandable but she can't let it get in the way of her goal to parent a child (a child who needs a Mom...who needs *her*).

And lets face it...the agency wants her money...it's a business...it's likely they'll help her get through this .

[ibisgirldc]

She shouldn't be telling the agency anything until she speaks with an attorney. I can't emphasize that enough. It is a charge, not a conviction so it can be removed - perhaps. (Could be that it's not really a one-time thing and she's a danger... in which case, this could be for the best? If not, I don't understand why she wouldn't try to get the charge dropped.) The screening may still ask whether she had ever been arrested or charged with a crime, but it is a huge difference to have the "but those were dropped" versus having a criminal record. (No one will care about her story about how it happened, run off the road, etc. She was the one with the DUI and if convicted, that's all that anyone will ever hear.) And btw, that could affect future employment, housing, and other issues, as well.