UGh, again? VENT

[Lunarmoon]

I am so sick of feeling so horrible. I do not want to cry at the drop of a hat, or want to punch someone for talking to me. I cannot stand feeling like I am worthless because "god" or the forces of nature never think I am good enough to be blessed with a child. I hate when my MIL asks billions of questions when she already knows the answers don't matter because I cannot be pregnant. I can't take this feeling each month, and the problem is that even if I decide to stop trying, I will still want one and hurt each month anyways. I'm working with the doctor and everyone says it's going to work, and give it time, be patient, and it will happen. The things is, after 18 months of this talk it is harder and harder to hear you. I do everything I am supposed to, even in the fact that I am, or try, to be a good person and make good choices, yet I always feel like I am being punished. I cannot tell you how tired of BFN's I am, and seeing how happy everyone else is with their child. I am told that I am young and have plenty of life, but my life is children. I teach preschool for goodness sakes. I just want to have my own.
How do you deal with all these feelings!! I cannot take it right now!! And I feel so bad for anyone that is around me or has to listen to me. And I am so jealous of the SIL's that are preggy, one with very limited income, and the other without income at all,(though this second was an "accident" on the IUD) Especially when the second talks about how she hates this child already, then teases with how we can have her if it's a girl, we know you wouldn't want to do that once it comes down to it. Though we are the godparents for both other girls. (Or at least DH is godfather, I'm just the happy wife I guess...) Sorry for all that, just don't know what to do!

[pumpkinpeejays]

I'm so sorry honey, I wish I could offer an answer for you. I don't know what you should do either. All I can do is offer limitless hugs and hopes that it WILL happen for you.

[proudmommyof3]

It hurts me to read this, you are such a sweet person and don't deserve to be feeling like this. I am so so sorry, hun. I know it doesn't make it any easier to HEAR but I DO feel your pain and it's hard and you're right, when you STOP trying, it's still hard. I had to get involved in school and I met new friends, etc. I am praying constantly that you get your bundle of joy soon.......HUGE HUGS xoxoxxox

[Lunarmoon]

I'm so sorry honey, I wish I could offer an answer for you. I don't know what you should do either. All I can do is offer limitless hugs and hopes that it WILL happen for you.

Thank you!

It hurts me to read this, you are such a sweet person and don't deserve to be feeling like this. I am so so sorry, hun. I know it doesn't make it any easier to HEAR but I DO feel your pain and it's hard and you're right, when you STOP trying, it's still hard. I had to get involved in school and I met new friends, etc. I am praying constantly that you get your bundle of joy soon.......HUGE HUGS xoxoxxox

Thank you so much! I'm done with school so I can't really do that, but maybe there is something else that can help. I don't know, just feel rather hopeless right now!

[Leah26]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way sweetie, but it's perfectly justified. I swear the longer it takes, instead of it getting easier because you expect it less, it's like you just get more bitter. I feel that way anyway. Sometimes I even hate my SIL because she has a child. She's younger than me and has never had a job. My BIL is a pharmacist so she doesn't really need to work but truthfully...she's never struggled for anything. She's always gotten whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it, including a child. I have a good friend like that too. She swore she'd never have any children...and after her 5th or 6th engagement and second marriage she got pregnant instantly. It just gets so old. All of these stories just hit where it hurts the most when you've been through so much. I really believe the Femara will work for you sweetie. It just doesn't always work right away I guess. I've still got lots of hope for you. I'll keep the hope for you if it's hard for you to hope for yourself. Sending you giant giant

[Lunarmoon]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way sweetie, but it's perfectly justified. I swear the longer it takes, instead of it getting easier because you expect it less, it's like you just get more bitter. I feel that way anyway. Sometimes I even hate my SIL because she has a child. She's younger than me and has never had a job. My BIL is a pharmacist so she doesn't really need to work but truthfully...she's never struggled for anything. She's always gotten whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it, including a child. I have a good friend like that too. She swore she'd never have any children...and after her 5th or 6th engagement and second marriage she got pregnant instantly. It just gets so old. All of these stories just hit where it hurts the most when you've been through so much. I really believe the Femara will work for you sweetie. It just doesn't always work right away I guess. I've still got lots of hope for you. I'll keep the hope for you if it's hard for you to hope for yourself. Sending you giant giant

This made me tear up! Thank you so much!! Even though I still feel hopeless, I am so glad to have someone that understands and believes in me. Infertility is so cruel, I wish no good people had to deal with it.

[ootus973]

I know there's nothing I can say to make it better, especially since I'm pregnant...but there were years and years when I had given up and resigned myself to only be Mikey's mom. I got lucky--I got blessed with a daughter, but with a man who later tried to kill me... I've done everything I could to be the mom to my children, even dirt poor and in hiding. It wasn't the ideal situation, but we made it through it...and now blessed with Jeff and another on the way, a child he never thought he'd ever be able to have... My cousin tried for 12 years for one, and long after she'd given up was blessed with a miracle baby...

I hope that you're wishes will be fufilled, and that you'll have a little one of your own soon. You're not being punished, and I KNOW what that feeling feels like, and I promise it's not the truth. Until then, I'm here to listen, and cry, and hope, and be angy for you and with you....

[ktbelle97]

I could have written this post when we were STC #1. We STC almost 2 years, 1 year of which was using fertility treatments. I remember watching many people get pregnant around me, and most of them did so quickly or without even trying. Now we are getting ready to go back to the RE after NPP 14 months, and I just found out that a friend of mine who delivered around the same time as me is preggo again... and this was ANOTHER oops.

I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I hope that you will get your BFP before you know it -- STC is so tough!!! I will be thinking of you!!!

[Lunarmoon]

I know there's nothing I can say to make it better, especially since I'm pregnant...but there were years and years when I had given up and resigned myself to only be Mikey's mom. I got lucky--I got blessed with a daughter, but with a man who later tried to kill me... I've done everything I could to be the mom to my children, even dirt poor and in hiding. It wasn't the ideal situation, but we made it through it...and now blessed with Jeff and another on the way, a child he never thought he'd ever be able to have... My cousin tried for 12 years for one, and long after she'd given up was blessed with a miracle baby...

I hope that you're wishes will be fufilled, and that you'll have a little one of your own soon. You're not being punished, and I KNOW what that feeling feels like, and I promise it's not the truth. Until then, I'm here to listen, and cry, and hope, and be angy for you and with you....

Thanks for being here! I am so happy for you!

I could have written this post when we were STC #1. We STC almost 2 years, 1 year of which was using fertility treatments. I remember watching many people get pregnant around me, and most of them did so quickly or without even trying. Now we are getting ready to go back to the RE after NPP 14 months, and I just found out that a friend of mine who delivered around the same time as me is preggo again... and this was ANOTHER oops.

I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I hope that you will get your BFP before you know it -- STC is so tough!!! I will be thinking of you!!!

Thank you! How did you manage to survive the hormones and the STC ordeal? I hope this time you get preggy right away!!!

[mattiehatter]

I could have written this myself. hon.

[angmichelle]

I'm so sorry. I don't know why either, but I pray and hope this doctor is right and that it will happen for you very soon. Many hugs sent your way!

[Lunarmoon]

Temp dropped this morning and FF can't determine if/when I ovulated. Oh boy! AF is surely on her way now!

[ktbelle97]

Thank you! How did you manage to survive the hormones and the STC ordeal? I hope this time you get preggy right away!!!

After 6 IUI's I ended up taking a 2 month break - the first month was a forced break b/c the injectable meds caused a cyst, then we went on vacation. I came back from vacay and got lucky the very next cycle! I don't know if it had anything to do with the break and decreasing my stress level, but I was definitely a crazy person before I took that break!!! This time around one of my good friends is STC at the same time so we call each other and vent.

[mariahpoo2]

I know how you feel. I try to stay positive and calm (it's better for fertility). However everyone who ttc and stc feels these feelings at some point. Well unless they are the lucky fertile mertile types lol. I try to tell myself it is natural to have these feelings. Every one and a while you have to give in and just be sad and let those emotions out. Bottling them up can be bad/ stressful too. I like to really dig deep and watch some tear jerkers and get a good cry out. The next day I usually feel a lot better. And remember we are here for you. stc is one of the hardest things I have had to go through. And I am still in the thik of it (not for much longer I hope ). Stay strong. What are the dr's plans so far?

[Lunarmoon]

After 6 IUI's I ended up taking a 2 month break - the first month was a forced break b/c the injectable meds caused a cyst, then we went on vacation. I came back from vacay and got lucky the very next cycle! I don't know if it had anything to do with the break and decreasing my stress level, but I was definitely a crazy person before I took that break!!! This time around one of my good friends is STC at the same time so we call each other and vent.

Well I go on vacation in July, so maybe in a couple cycles, ;)
I had one friend, but she got pregnant and had her baby already, My SIL got pregnant in one month, after I had already been trying for a year. So even if I had a close friend ttc, it would suck worse for me!! I'm glad you have someone to share this experience with you though!!!

I know how you feel. I try to stay positive and calm (it's better for fertility). However everyone who ttc and stc feels these feelings at some point. Well unless they are the lucky fertile mertile types lol. I try to tell myself it is natural to have these feelings. Every one and a while you have to give in and just be sad and let those emotions out. Bottling them up can be bad/ stressful too. I like to really dig deep and watch some tear jerkers and get a good cry out. The next day I usually feel a lot better. And remember we are here for you. stc is one of the hardest things I have had to go through. And I am still in the thik of it (not for much longer I hope ). Stay strong. What are the dr's plans so far?

I'm sticking with femara for a few cycles. He was insistent that I would be pregnant by August. AF hasn't arrived yet, but I think it'll be here today or tomorrow. Then onto the next cycle. I am going to try and relax next cycle. It's going to be a long summer since I will have nothing to distract me, but maybe that with help with relaxation though. I hope your journey is near it's end too!!! I can't wait to see you with a BFP!

[mariahpoo2]

I'm sticking with femara for a few cycles. He was insistent that I would be pregnant by August. AF hasn't arrived yet, but I think it'll be here today or tomorrow. Then onto the next cycle. I am going to try and relax next cycle. It's going to be a long summer since I will have nothing to distract me, but maybe that with help with relaxation though. I hope your journey is near it's end too!!! I can't wait to see you with a BFP!

Have they run blood tests? I forget.... I think you said your diagnosis was PCOS. You did get + opks so I would say your af should be here tomorrow or the next day if you did O. (I bookmarked your chart so I could stalk it. ) Your temps don't indicate an O... however I have browsed through a lot of chats on ff and with pcos sometimes the temps are just wacky. I have seen pg charts that did not look like there was an O day at all. I have my FX for you. And you can still get a bfp yet this cycle.

You can brows through other charts with woman useing fermera on ff and it will give you a look into the average fermera cycle. As far as relaxing and getting your mind off of ttc, I LOVE puzzles. Amazon has some great puzzles for pretty good prices. I find them relaxing and good for zoning out. If puzzles are not you cup of tea and other hobby will do. Something that keeps the hands and mind busy. I also like to set aside time each day where I meditate/ visualize positive thoughts on ttc. Picture your reproductive organs all healthy and fertile. Picture the egg poping out to meet the sperm and excepting the sperm. A lot of people don't know this but the egg chooses what sperm it will let fertilize it. I also visualize getting my bfp and how happy I will be. Some of the most wealthy and successful people use this technique, and it helped them archive there goals. Why not ours.

[Lunarmoon]

Thanks for the positive thoughts, and the stalking!! Started with cramps a short while ago, so any moment now. Yes, the doctor did bloodwork, was diagnosed with PCOS and low thyroid. I like doing puzzles! I crochet and sew, things like that, but that can get pretty hot in the summer, thankfully I have an air conditioner. I will try thinking positively like you suggested!!

[mariahpoo2]

Thanks for the positive thoughts, and the stalking!! Started with cramps a short while ago, so any moment now. Yes, the doctor did bloodwork, was diagnosed with PCOS and low thyroid. I like doing puzzles! I crochet and sew, things like that, but that can get pretty hot in the summer, thankfully I have an air conditioner. I will try thinking positively like you suggested!!

The meditation thing might not be for everyone. But I like it a lot. it makes me feel good about my cycles and peaceful you know.

My house is an oven right now. MEH We have to figure something out with the heat/ electricity in my house. This simply will not due for a baby. I would be stuck in my back room with them for the whole summer.

I am doing the puzzle "flight of the fablemaker" right now. Its a SUPER hard 1500 piece. I am super into puzzles and it usually take anywhere from 1-3 days for a 1000 piece, depending on how hard they are and if my husband helps. This one has taken 2 weeks and its not done yet. But it will be a great piece of the babies room!

I wish you as always!

[Lunarmoon]

I can't survive in the heat! I'm in Buffalo and I still complain when it's "hot." I go with the logic that you can always add layers, but you can only take so many off!! Our electricity is on a budget, so it's not so bad!
I don't even have room to do a puzzle like that!! I have 4 cats too, and they would make it difficult! I have done puzzles, but I have to pack them up carefully so my cats don't mess with them!
to you as well!

[mariahpoo2]

I can't survive in the heat! I'm in Buffalo and I still complain when it's "hot." I go with the logic that you can always add layers, but you can only take so many off!! Our electricity is on a budget, so it's not so bad!
I don't even have room to do a puzzle like that!! I have 4 cats too, and they would make it difficult! I have done puzzles, but I have to pack them up carefully so my cats don't mess with them!
to you as well!

I have 3 cats and *mumbles* 13 kittens. Don't worry we will give away all 13 when they are ready to go. They are just little squirts right now. Just opened there eyes 3 days ago. It's just a cuteness explosion at my house. And they do make it difficult to do the puzzle at times. They LOVE to lay on it... and scoot pieces around.

I too hate the heat. If someone warned us that it is actually WAY hotter in Nor cal (then so cal)we would have never moved here. But here we are. Nice 120 degree summers. *thick sarcasm* I am very much of the same (layers) mind. I LOVE the cold. I would love to live anywhere it snows. And I would never get sick of it.

[Lunarmoon]

Aw!! I love cats! And that's exactly why I couldn't do a large puzzle, no room and cats fling the pieces everywhere! Bring on the cold snow!