I'm not sure what my problem is this time around but my heart just isn't into bf'ing like it was with my son. It's so hard. I mean now that she is no longer tongue tied and my boobs have healed it's easy in that sense. What's hard is the constant feeling and wanting to be held while trying to take care of a toddler by myself. My husband is home during the day but most of the time he is sleeping because he worked a 10-12 hour shift over night. Then in the evenings/nights I'm all alone. It's so hard being tied down to the couch and feeling like I can't even get 5 minutes to myself. I feel like I can't go away from the house unless I bring the baby and if I do go somewhere without her I'm rushing and have so much anxiety about getting home in case she is hungry. I got a new pump so I could pump and I can't ever find the time. If I pump in front of my toddler he is constantly leaning over me trying to mess with the pump. And if the baby is awake she will just scream because I put her in the bouncer. And if my husband is awake it just seems like it's a hassle for me to slip away for 10 minutes. It's just frustrating. My husband is supportive but I think we are both under a lot of stress. Our son has been testing and testing and testing us so we are both stressed from that. I just wish I could enjoy it like I did the first time around with my son.
Plus I go back to work at the begining of July. In my current job our office support quit so now I have to give up my office and be swamped at the front desk. I have no idea how I'm going to get away to pump 3 times a day when I'm the only support person. I'm looking into changing jobs and have been talking with another employer. The only down side there is there offices only have 3 offices (which are taken) and then it's a bunch of cubes. Since it's less then 50 employees they don't have to providing a spot to pump. So I'm stressed and have so much anxiety about it over what I'm going to do when I go back to work.
I'm sure alot of this is why Im having a hard time enjoying it. I know it's best for her. Maybe it's the PPD talking, I don't know. I'm just so discouraged.