Permission to Name - XPosted in TTC after Loss

[babykenny]

So, I've been having a really hard time dealing with my m/c in January. I wasn't very far along, but I was far enough along to be hopeful - and had told my immediately family, parents, grandmother, etc. Even now, it just hurts so bad at times. I'm starting to see a therapist soon to get some help in coping with that plus stress, life, etc.

I've also been reading about miscarriage (Karen Edmisten's After Miscarriage and some online resources), from a Catholic perspective specifically (though I consider myself a liberal-minded person). In my reading, I've been reading that some women and their significant others decide to name the baby - even if they didn't know the gender (which we obviously did not since it was early in the pregnancy).

What do you think about this?

I'll be honest - DH thinks this idea is ridiculous, and he thinks I am over-dramaticizing the loss. I know that he just has no way to comprehend how it feels from a maternal perspective - just as I had no idea how painful m/c was (physically and emotionally) when friends had gone through it until I had gone through it myself.

I know that there are many women of many belief systems on APA, but I just think that maybe God loved this baby enough to keep him/her in heaven. I know I have an angel waiting for me if/when I get there. I just don't know if it is right to name this "angel" - or if I'm crazy... It feels so nebulous and vague if I don't acknowledge this pregnancy though...

Again - any thoughts/advice?

Thanks.
Kirsten

[KC's wifey]

First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had no idea how painful miscarriage was until I had one, also. It IS a loss; of a child, of a hope, of possibilities...
God instilled in us a magnificent ability to love a child as soon as we realize there is one growing inside us. So it can be terribly heartbreaking when a miscarriage happens.

As for your question about naming, we did. It was my DH's idea, actually, and I thought it was a beautiful way to remember and acknowledge our baby. It was healing to me. I think I felt that our little one was somehow going to be forgotten, or devalued because they were lost so early, but I didn't want to forget or pretend it never happened. That is part of the reason I still have the date on my siggy. But giving a name gave me a sense that they were remembered, recognized and loved.

As for theological beliefs on what happens to babies that are miscarried, I really don't know. I know that life begins at conception and God is the Giver of life and loves us. That for me is enough to consider my loss real and give a name.

I'm sorry again for the pain you are feeling. I hope seeing the therapist will help you work through it, and that you and your DH will be able to come together on this.

[pants]

I agree with polly. From my counseling courses I remember an idea I thought was sweet and that was to write your baby a letter. I know some people that release balloons on the due date or anniversary of the loss. Lots of hugs!

[texaschic]

I had a m/c in 2008 and I still think of my baby everyday. Like your dh, mine didn't understand the grief I felt - it was all consuming. I think, if it will help you to name your LO, then do so. I did in that it gives me 'someone' to think about,etc. I've never read that book you are reading (I'm catholic as well) but a couple books I found helpful were 'When bad things happen to good people' (it's written by a Rabbi who has a child who died(?) and he talks about why/how it could happen to him.) Another book I read was 'heaven is for real' . The manner in that the mom had her m/c was very similar to my experience and I felt some peace about my angel in heaven.

I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

[Sakura]

I responded in your other thread.

[caligirl07]

I had a m/c last year, and dh and I thought we were "ok" until about last Dec... We realized we never really grieved, just kinda moved on in life... I was also already expecting this baby and tossing around name ideas... it just felt like a certain name needed to be pulled, we don't refer to the lost baby as that name, but I know both of us know that's who that name was meant for and belongs to.

Praying for you!

[JJorn]

I also posted in your other thread but left out something since I wasn't sure how others woud respond to my very Christian thoughts. I fully believe that the child that I lost I will see in heaven when I get there. That has made the loss easier for me for sure. We have never named a child without seeing them so it just seems like I can't name this one that I haven't seen and I don't even know if the baby was a boy or girl. I do want this child to be remembered...

[learningasigo]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Its a devastating experience regardless how far along you were.

I had my 5th miscarriage in January. What I learned with my first is that I had to do a lot of soul searching to understand what my own feelings were on it. It took a great deal of time and while I learned to cope better, each subsequent miscarriage was just as devastating to me.

Personally, I believe life begins at conception so I considered even early losses a "true" loss. (Some do not believe life begins until there is a heart beat)
Because of that, I named each angel. I felt they "deserved" that recognition and it helped me to cope with the loss and gain closure. Something else that helped was making myself a memorial bracelet. I simply used pink/blue beads that symbolize pregnancy and infant loss awareness and added a cross charm. Nobody but me knows the meaning of it--and it serves as a tangible reminder of my connection. I've seen wonderful memorial items sold on Etsy as well.

My DH was wonderful to me during each loss. He wasn't able to mourn the LO's in ways I could understand though. He didn't want to know what names I chose (though he does know I named them). He hadn't had that parental bond that often happens for mothers first. I respect his choices and needs because each of us deserves to mourn on our way. I know he regrets our losses but his focus was on supporting me.

If you haven't already, I suggest the book "Heaven is for Real". It's a tear-jerker but it might be just what you need. Miscarriage is mentioned regarding the personal story of the family who wrote the book.

T+P

[learningasigo]

I wanted to add in naming I chose to either use "mommy instinct" by gender or pick a gender neutral name. I didn't think it mattered if I got to heaven and found out Samuel was a girl.

[Nsrode]

I think it's good to memorialize the loss. I had a m/c in April and I bought a charm bracelet with an angel charm for my lost baby. It helped me a lot. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope it gets better soon! Take all the time you need to feel better!