Help! DD's a biter!

[Aelith]

Let me preface this by saying we parent gently...

DD is apparently a biter. I've been told twice now that she's bitten or attempted to bite other toddlers in day care. The two times she actually bit a child, that child (the same one) put her finger in DD's mouth first. But the other attempted biting incidents, she's grabbing a child's arm and actively trying to bite him/her.

She rarely bites us at home, so I don't have many opportunities to discuss/redirect with her. She's mostly non-verbal (her only words are "Daddy," "doggie" and the occasional "Mama") and the center director said that children, when learning to talk, will sometimes bite.

The day care teacher's advice to me was to "bite her back." That's not going to happen.

So, any (gentle) ideas? I've actually sat down and talked to her about how we don't bite our friends and tried to (yes, I am crazy) teach her the word "No," so she can use it (apparently several of these incidents occurred when a baby tried to take away a toy she was playing with). She's still not there yet with "No," and I suspect her biting (and the temper tantrums she's been throwing recently) is frustration with being non-verbal, as right before she walked she was throwing tantrums too.

[GA1977]

Boden's a biter too!! It sucks! when we have friends over, go to the park, playdates, etc....I have to be next to him at all times so he doesn't bite. at first we were immediately sitting him down (immediate time out....but at that age he had no clue what a time out was) and telling him "ow, we don't bite, not nice, boo boo" etc.....that didn't work. I've had friends pop their little ones that bite in the mouth or BITE THEM BACK!! Um, not a fan of either of those. But i will admit now that Boden is 20 months old, when he bites (and he still does) I tap him (not hard at all) in the mouth and say "no biting"...he now is getting it and he still goes in to bite someone but he won't actually draw blood like he used to. I'm not proud that I have to tap my kids' mouth because he bites...but he's drawn blood on a few kids including his sister. its horrible I hate it.

[pants]

I think tapping on mouth is way different then smacking or biting back. My 11 month old only bites my nipples right now and I'll pull him off my boob and put my finger to cover his mouth and say no biting firmly. He has gotten it after a few times of doing that. I would imagine that would be the same thing I would do with aggressive biting. Probably pull my kid away from the situation and the other kids. Get down to their level and just lightly touch their mouth and say no biting firmly. explain what they did and the consequence. I may give a 30 second time out too.I know they are young but it sets up for good discplin techniques down the road. But I would try to find the triggers for biting. Like is it stressful or too many kids. Is it directed at one kid and why. What is the trigger for the behavior and see if you can correct that. Not to say the behavior doesn't need to be corrected to but its a reaction to something.

[Bridget]

If your daycare care teacher told you to bite her back I would report her. She is supposedto be a professional? She sounds like incompetent fool.
If I were you I would ask them to start shadowing her and keeping a log of the circumstances surrounding the incident. Is the room loud? Are there several children around her? What time of day is it? Is she tired/hungry/frustrated/teething?
Bite her back would piss me off big time. She needs to do her job.

[Aelith]

If your daycare care teacher told you to bite her back I would report her. She is supposedto be a professional? She sounds like incompetent fool.

Yes, she is. She offers me suggestions all the time that are of the same stock of what my MIL would tell me (and I take them in the same way I take my MIL's advice - with withering contempt).

It seems to be a couple of things: she's teething and in some circumstances, it's an argument over a toy - she doesn't have many words yet. I think 90% of it is frustration and 10% being a normal toddler.

They've been redirecting her now and that's what I was told would be their approach. She rarely bites at home, but when she's frustrated with something, we re-direct immediately, i.e. take her around to look at our family pictures on the wall, read her a book, etc.

Bite her back - that advice is simply un-f'ing-acceptable to me. My co-worker was telling me the same thing - that her husband bit their daughter and she still had a bite mark on her arm days later when she went to a doctor's appointment!

Thanks for the advice, everyone. We probably wouldn't tap her on the mouth, but maybe putting our fingers to her lips gently and saying "No biting" would work.

[tanyachap]

MY ds2 was a biter for the longest time. Nothing really works at this age. You can tap put fingers on her mouth and repeat "no biting" but she will bite just as much. She is very very young. The teacher is incompetent. I would report her for sure. Biting her back is the worst you can do. You have to just repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat "we don't bite; no biting" and after many many times (like well over a million) your DD will get it and eventually stop biting. DS2 will still bite in self defense etc. but it has gotten a lot better. It is a slow process and a long one too.

[Krystal5]

I'm sorry, that must be so hard; especially since you don't see it, it is so hard to correct!

Maiya was never a biter, so I don't have real experience, but thought I would throw my two cents in.

If you think she is frustrated for being non-verbal, maybe you should try signing. Maiya picked up her first sign at 12 months with in just a few minutes of practice (it was please, she quickly learned that if she did that, she'd get what she wanted more often than not). Other signs took longer, but it might help ease her frustration a little.

My other thought would be to try to incorporate biting / sharing toys when you play with her... I know it's not the same as with another toddler friend, but maybe you can work on practicing sharing and what to do when you don't want to share. (I say this, and have been doing it with my toddler since she was about your daughter's age, and even now, she's the worst sharer ever! All she does is melt down and come to me for hugs, but still, maybe I'm not the one to take advice from, haha)

Good luck!

[Aelith]

Thanks ladies!

I thought about signing. She seems to pick up things like that quickly (ie. waving bye-bye, trying to mimic "Itsy Bitsy Spider.")

[Bridget]

I just want to pop in one more time and say that in my experience, being proactive about the situation is the best way to avoid the incident. Redirecting is great but it can't happen until after the child has already bitten. I bet if the teacher pay close attention, they will be able to pinpoint what triggers the behaviors. Just the fact that she is not doing it at home makes me think it's either a noise or crowding/overstimulation issue. PP are right when they say it's hard to do much about it at this age when language is minimal. That is why it's important to keep them out of the situation that causes the child to respond this way.
ETA: I don't mean to keep her out of daycare. I mean the teachers should keep her out of crowded spaces, etc.

Please, please report that teacher.

[GA1977]

we've tried to pay attention to boden's triggers...but honestly there are no clear cut triggers. he does it when he's happy, excited, mad, etc. there's no time of day (if he's just eaten or if he's hungry), he doesn't have to be provoked, he will just do it. i watch him like a hawk(literally almost touching him at all times when we are with other kids) and in a split second he will grab a kids hand/arm and bite it. he randomly gets parker all the time.....provoked or happy or whatever....doesn't matter.

[Aelith]

I just want to pop in one more time and say that in my experience, being proactive about the situation is the best way to avoid the incident. Redirecting is great but it can't happen until after the child has already bitten. I bet if the teacher pay close attention, they will be able to pinpoint what triggers the behaviors. Just the fact that she is not doing it at home makes me think it's either a noise or crowding/overstimulation issue. PP are right when they say it's hard to do much about it at this age when language is minimal. That is why it's important to keep them out of the situation that causes the child to respond this way.
ETA: I don't mean to keep her out of daycare. I mean the teachers should keep her out of crowded spaces, etc.

Please, please report that teacher.

I am definitely going to talk to the center director on Monday. Not only was what she suggested archaic, it was, in my opinion, advocating physical abuse. Why would I harm my child and would she harm her own (or my!) child!?

From what I've been told, they are "monitoring her" and tryign to catch it before it happens, i.e. they see her go to bite and take her out of the situation.

[tanyachap]

DS2 didn't have clear cut triggers and would do it out of the blue. I always shadowed him when we were out and about and I am very proactive. I cannot even count the times he bit children. It was very difficult at times. He has always been very advanced in language and very social. Since my older son had and still has speech issues, I have been working on both on language development and expressing feelings above and beyond what people do with their kids. Yet, ds2 was still a biter for the longest time. I am just saying to let you know that maybe monitoring and signing will help but it is very possible that it won't. You can only do that much with kids that young. I do think that being proactive is very important, I just don't want you to think that the next teacher will necessarily be able to control her biting. I am also full time SAHM, co sleep with both and know them so very well, yet I was not able to control his biting.

[tanyachap]

I would complain about the teacher for sure. Biting her back is not an appropriate advice coming from a teacher in charge of such young children. There are parents who will bite back and it is their choice. A teacher on the other hand is different and should be held to a different standard. IMO a teacher must use at all times non physical discipline and the most a teacher should do is time out for older kids and modified time out for little kids, meaning if the child is really upset and destructive the child should be separated to calm down with the teacher present to help them calm down.

[Aelith]

DS2 didn't have clear cut triggers and would do it out of the blue. I always shadowed him when we were out and about and I am very proactive. I cannot even count the times he bit children. It was very difficult at times. He has always been very advanced in language and very social. Since my older son had and still has speech issues, I have been working on both on language development and expressing feelings above and beyond what people do with their kids. Yet, ds2 was still a biter for the longest time. I am just saying to let you know that maybe monitoring and signing will help but it is very possible that it won't. You can only do that much with kids that young. I do think that being proactive is very important, I just don't want you to think that the next teacher will necessarily be able to control her biting. I am also full time SAHM, co sleep with both and know them so very well, yet I was not able to control his biting.

Thank you - this puts it into perspective. We're as AP as we can be despite having to work, and she's co-slept since birth. I think I'm stressing about this because they keep bringing it up like "uh-oh, A's in trouble AGAIN" at school. She's a normal toddler in my eyes and the posts on here affirm that for me. Thanks everyone!

[tanyachap]

Thank you - this puts it into perspective. We're as AP as we can be despite having to work, and she's co-slept since birth. I think I'm stressing about this because they keep bringing it up like "uh-oh, A's in trouble AGAIN" at school. She's a normal toddler in my eyes and the posts on here affirm that for me. Thanks everyone!

I understand very well. She is very normal and she will eventually stop biting. Unfortunately, biting is worse than hitting and gets more attention from teachers and other parents: it can break the skin, is very painful to the bitten child and is just very stressful to deal with. But her daycare should know that some kids are prone to biting and at this age, the discipline options are extremely limited. I hope she outgrows it fast