preschoolers and tempers

[Marcie]

Does your 3 or 4-year-old have a temper? How do you respond to outbursts? I generally try to be as neutral as possible, so as not to respond to anger with anger. But I'm not sure that they are time-out-worthy material, unless the involve throwing something (which they sometimes do!) or hitting little brother (ditto...). I am wondering how much of it is DD's nature, since she has always been super spirited and independent, and how much is just the age.

On a related note, which was easier for you, 3 or 4? People keep telling me 4 is difficult and emotional, but I am thinking DD is going through that now, since her communication skills have always been a little ahead of her other development.

[Bridget]

All of three and most of four were a time of angst and tempers around here. Like you, I try not to give too much reaction, acknowledge and verbalize feelings, give him a space to finish it out. I also offer a hug in these circumstances since sometimes that is all they really need and don't even know it themselves.

[Jai]

Peyton has always been very spirited. Tantrums were pretty rampant at age three with her. I liked to tell myself it was because it was such a trying time for her. She wasn't any longer a baby/toddler but more a young child. Age 4 was instantly, honestly, instantly better. She would calm herself more to talk, rather than throw a fit. Now age 6-- I swear she thinks she's a teenager trapped in a kindergartners body.

Jayden-- he's 3.5. He goes through spurts where some days are just horrible for him. Nothing is going right and throws fits, but they're very few and far between. However when he does have a day like that it would be practically unbearable for anyone here. Luckily they don't happen often.

[Ky'sMom]

Elle has mini-tantrums and does have anger outbursts. She is 3.5. She will just scream one loud scream, stomp her foot and have one eye open more than the other which is her angry look. It is pretty funny to me but I don't laugh and I usually just give her a hug and tell her it's okay to be angry and try to find other things she can do or find another activity to redirect her away from what is making her angry. She is really focused on things though and whatever or whoever is making her angry will stay on her mind a while and she will either continuously talk about it for an hour or so or bring it up later and get angry all over again.

She is really a calm child though and not very difficult to me but I compare her to Ky who was a tantrum machine from 18 months through around 4.5 years old. He got WAY better at 4. I honestly don't think Elle will get any worse than she is now as she has always had a calm, laid back personality, kind of like me and nothing much gets to her and if it does she will just look mean and think about it and breathe deep breaths (a tactic I taught her to deal with anger). She has maybe had 5 full tantrums that I remember but she is really thoughtful and just very mature IMO in the way she deals with things that frustrate her so I don't think she will get worse as she gets older, if anything she has gotten more calm and mature as she has grown and for me she is a complete joy and I am thankful since I felt I was on never ending battles with Ky, who would leave me near tears almost every night. He is still emotional and still will throw a tantrum on occasion, not the extent that he used to as a toddler but he will cry and yell and he is just a person who needs to do that to get out that frustration.

Erin

[AbbeysMom]

I usually try to be empathetic and offer hugs or a lap as long as there is no hitting or throwing. DD *rarely* hits and throws anything, but on the couple occasions when that started I put her on her bed and told her she could calm down there and I would wait with a hug in the next room. I left the door open too. I know tantrums in our house are a combination of feeling out-of-control or fear, and (usually) exhaustion or hunger or some other physical thing that's worn her out, so that makes me want to respond more gently.

[macksmom]

I have another spirited 3yo DD here too. Like you I really only intervene if she takes it out on someone or something - which is usually the case She throws things or hits her sister. It's awful. If she throws something once she calms down she need to pick it up. Hitting gets disciplined with a time out. If it's just screaming and crying I just let her be but usually it's accompanied with her trying to do whatever it is that is causing the tantrum. So say she was reaching up on the counter and grabbed something....I take it away and put it somewhere else where she can't reach it. She will start bringing chairs over or her mini step trying to get to it. It's a whole scene.

I have tried the hugging route with her and she wont have it. She does NOT want to be hugged or comforted in that state. I always offer but it any more than knowing she can come to me if she wants a hug will make things worse. When she calms down I will hug her and explain why I had to take the toy away or whatever caused the outrage.

Age 3 is simply awful. So far both girls have been at their worst at age 3. It's like a light switch - it seriously just flips on, then off at 4. For my older DD it did and I am hoping this one switches off before 4 since I am having a baby in 2 months....getting real nervous about dealing with tantrums with a 5yo and newborn to also contend with!

I do think the rough age depends on the child. Some are challenging at 2, lots seem to like to act up at 3, I have heard people talk about age 4 being bad. I don't think most kids have trouble all the way through so if you thought 2 way bad, 3 may be better. I think if 3 is bad, 4 is usually better but you just never know!

[MommyShannon]

3 sucks. I think it's the worst but 4 isn't far behind. The only reason I think 4 is slightly better is they understand consequences a little more. That doesn't always curb it, but it does a little more. I'm struggling with DS A LOT right now and have trouble keeping calm some days when every thing is a melt down or tantrum.

[tanyachap]

My 4 yo has a temper. He could just be emotional but he can hit his brother or throw something. I do calm down time, work on how to express his feelings, how to take turns, share etc., and remedy the consequences (apologize, pick up, clean up etc.). He does not respond well to traditional time outs and I have stopped using them a long time ago. I teach him how to calm down and he just recently started to very rarely use it on his own.

[MommyShannon]

Never mind, my splitting head is telling me 4 is worse.

[3andMe]

I can't tell if everything is rosier in retrospect, or if things are just harder in general now because of our family dynamics and having a very demanding 2-year-old who needs a lot of attention, but it seems like 4 is more difficult than 3. There are things that are really awesome, of course, and their skills and independence are wonderful, and it's amazing to see their knowledge growing every day, but we are also getting the eye rolls, the shrugs, the arms crossed and bodies turned away and the "hmmphs!" and "I don't care what you think" and the more complex games involving friends and enemies and who is going to be ignored today and who is best friends. One day everything is wonderful and the next day everything is a cause for tears or hissing--yes, hissing. The mood swings are incredible. It's not just one of them, lest you think it's limited to girls or boys. Twice during the past week we've had all three kids shrieking and crying and yelling loudly at dinnertime, for no good reason, and we have not been able to calm them down until bedtime.

I thought that things might get better at 5, because I heard 5 and 6 were the golden ages, but I overheard two moms at a playground talking about how 5 was just the most horrible year for their children. So I'm starting to think that each year has its own unique rewards and its own unique drawbacks.

[babykenny]

... each year has its own unique rewards and its own unique drawbacks.

Well said!

I try to talk to DS with a serious voice, on his level, with eye contact. Every situation and circumstance comes with a different response. Distracting, deflecting, or positive reinforcement sometimes make things better....