Toddler Misbehavior...

[sammilynn]

I am at my wits end with Kyle. He is very intelligent and can tell us what he wants and listens to commands well. He understands that if we tell him no it means no and if we tell him in a few min he gets it and is patient. But no matter what we do when we are out and about we can not get him to walk properly with us or we get a melt down. We have tried just about everything except bribing him. What can I do to get him to walk properly? I understand that part of it is so much is going on around him but this is over the top. The ILs won't take him anywhere with them because of how much of a terror he is when he goes out. I don't like taking him places because he doesn't behave. I will take any help that I can get. When it comes to punishment we tend to be passive about how we punish him and tell him what he has done wrong and only whip when its something dangerous like taking off in the parking lot and even then we tell him what he did wrong and that he needs to stay with mommy and daddy.

[macksmom]

No offense but I think you are expecting too much from a 2yo. He may understand what you are saying and what is expected but that doesn't mean he wants to follow those directions or has the impulse control. Why not just use a stroller or cart when you are out? Especially if he is not cooperating I would keep him in a stroller with things to keep him busy. He will get it in time. He is just so distracted and excited by what is going on around him.

I couldn't trust DD1 to walk with me until almost age 4. She was just too high energy and social. DD2 can handle it at age 3. It really depends on the child's personality but I would not expect it from a 2yo.

[Bridget]

I agree with macksmom that a child that young can't be expected to walk properly next to adults during an outing. I mean, not that no child that age has ever done it but as a general rule they do not have impulse control so they see something intersting and they are off to investigate, not thinking at all about any rules they've been told about.

[sammilynn]

Well we have do use a cart but he will scream the whole way though the store unless he gets something like food or toys but then I find my self chasing after things he has thrown and its more stress. Maybe I am expecting too much from him but I think its also because I see him excelling in everything else. I guess I need to be patient and wait for him to mature a bit more.

[Flynn08]

I try to time outings around snack time, so my guys are hungry and occupied w/food while running errands. I don't do so very often, but I have used a tether to attach cups to a cart.

[tmbg1022]

Hey there,
It's definitely hard to keep expectations at the right place when your kid does so well otherwise. At his exact age now it's hard to do anything at an adult pace. I remember very well. Just going downstairs to the car (which we did multiple times a day) could take 5 minutes when DD was his age. Everything took at least twice as long for awhile. It's because everything is so EXCITING. And it's so FRUSTRATING. You might want to allow extra time for outings when possible, take things at his pace when you can.
You can also do practice runs at stores that you frequent. A friend of mine did it: She'd go to Target when there was no errand to run, just to practice walking through the store without her kid going nuts. There was no pressure to get shopping done and they could just leave at any time. At the same time she stopped taking her daughter everywhere, she would do all of her shopping in the evening when her DH was home. They also briefly changed the type of outings they went on. It just got to the point where it wasn't fun for anyone. My own daughter was easier about going into carts or the stroller. All I had to do was tell her if she wanted to do "whatever" then she was going to be in the cart/stroller - if she wasn't willing to do it, the "whatever" wouldn't happen. Luckily she was young enough not to realize she could use it to manipulate, but she was old enough to comprehend that fun was not going to happen unless she listened.
It sounds like your son is pretty bright so you canprobably teach him that sometimes he will need to be in the stroller. A way to do that is to (and this really sucks but it worked for us) go on an outing, if he won't stay in the stroller then go back home. But don't make a huge deal of it, just be matter of fact. And talk about it at home when he has calmed down - why you wanted him in the stroller, why you came home, what he can do differently next time. Kids, even at two, like to hear explanations. After a few times he might get that sometimes it's ok to wander and explore but then sometimes it's not and that means sitting in the stroller/cart. Or maybe it won't work. It's definitely a tough age. But seriously, enjoy it because 3 only gets tougher.

[tanyachap]

I honestly don't know a single 2 year old boy or girl that can walk properly in public. They are built to run and explore and being proper goes against his very nature. Their impulses and control are immature and beyond their control. Punishing him for being curious is not going to solve the problem IMO. I am sorry if it comes across as harsh, I just see a lot of kids and I have never seen a child that young behaving in public 100% of the time. I also don't think that he is "misbehaving" - he is behaving EXACTLY how nature/God made him to act at this age.

[sammilynn]

Hey there,
It's definitely hard to keep expectations at the right place when your kid does so well otherwise. At his exact age now it's hard to do anything at an adult pace. I remember very well. Just going downstairs to the car (which we did multiple times a day) could take 5 minutes when DD was his age. Everything took at least twice as long for awhile. It's because everything is so EXCITING. And it's so FRUSTRATING. You might want to allow extra time for outings when possible, take things at his pace when you can.
You can also do practice runs at stores that you frequent. A friend of mine did it: She'd go to Target when there was no errand to run, just to practice walking through the store without her kid going nuts. There was no pressure to get shopping done and they could just leave at any time. At the same time she stopped taking her daughter everywhere, she would do all of her shopping in the evening when her DH was home. They also briefly changed the type of outings they went on. It just got to the point where it wasn't fun for anyone. My own daughter was easier about going into carts or the stroller. All I had to do was tell her if she wanted to do "whatever" then she was going to be in the cart/stroller - if she wasn't willing to do it, the "whatever" wouldn't happen. Luckily she was young enough not to realize she could use it to manipulate, but she was old enough to comprehend that fun was not going to happen unless she listened.
It sounds like your son is pretty bright so you canprobably teach him that sometimes he will need to be in the stroller. A way to do that is to (and this really sucks but it worked for us) go on an outing, if he won't stay in the stroller then go back home. But don't make a huge deal of it, just be matter of fact. And talk about it at home when he has calmed down - why you wanted him in the stroller, why you came home, what he can do differently next time. Kids, even at two, like to hear explanations. After a few times he might get that sometimes it's ok to wander and explore but then sometimes it's not and that means sitting in the stroller/cart. Or maybe it won't work. It's definitely a tough age. But seriously, enjoy it because 3 only gets tougher.

Thank you. Thoes are ideas that can really help. He does prefer to have things explained to him. He is in the who, what, when and why stage and will ask questions about everything. I never thought about just going to the store to make him walk around when we are not in hurry or need to direct my attention else where.

[DucksLikeRain]

We've also gone to the store (ironically, Target, just like in the above example!) whithout having any agenda or time constraints. We've practiced cart sitting, I experimented with what would work to occupy the girls-I found post it note/note pads and a pen or pencil to be the best occupier from about at 2.5 on up even until now. When they were older we practiced walking through the store using "cart rules" and walking through w/o a cart using hand holding rules, staying near mom rules, etc. I never told them "we're going to go practice" or anything. I just went knowing that was MY goal for the trip. Of course I inevitably ended up buying something even though I didn't plan to. Target sucks me in!

I have found with toddlers and preschool age kids and even on up into the school ages my girls are now, giving them dry runs on things can make life so much easier in the long run. yes, it takes planning and takes time. But if that planning and time can lead to less drama during actual needed outings I'm all for it!

[futuresoccermom]

At 2, I would either hold her while I walked around if she didn't want to be in the cart/stroller. If I wanted a leisurely time I wouldn't go alone with her, I'd wait till dh could come with us and he'd follow her around while I did what I wanted to do. My daughter is 4 and its just now that I have the expectation of 'You need to hold my hand and walk beside me while we shop for ___ and ___' but I still use the cart sometimes!

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

I honestly don't know a single 2 year old boy or girl that can walk properly in public. They are built to run and explore and being proper goes against his very nature. Their impulses and control are immature and beyond their control. Punishing him for being curious is not going to solve the problem IMO. I am sorry if it comes across as harsh, I just see a lot of kids and I have never seen a child that young behaving in public 100% of the time. I also don't think that he is "misbehaving" - he is behaving EXACTLY how nature/God made him to act at this age.

i agree! my 3.5 year old still goes in the stroller sometimes. to help, i always bring a snack or "new" toy..like one that he hasnt seen in a while.

[KC's wifey]

I agree that two years old (and a very YOUNG two, at that) is very early to expect him to walk next to you and obey commands while he is out in a new place. My DD is just shy of 3, and we are teaching her, although her impulse control is still maturing so I don't expect perfection because she developmentally cannot give it.

What do you consider "bribing"? I think bringing snacks and distractions is a great way to keep a young child calm and 'contained' during an outing. I don't consider that bribing. If you expect more than your child is able to give, every outing will inevitably end up a struggle. You will be frustrated that he is not behaving the way you want, and he will be frustrated that he can't behave the way you want, which will cause him to act out more, which will make you more frustrated, and around and around it goes.

As for throwing things down... what a fun game that is! lol I think by two they can understand that if they throw something down on purpose it disappears. I used to give DD1 two chances. The first time I would pick it up. The second time it got taken away. And I would explain that to her clearly when she first threw it down that next time would be the last. And when it got taken away, I wouldn't get angry over it. It was just matter of fact. "Uh oh. You threw it down again. Now it has to be put away. That's the rule." If she threw a tantrum over it, I would take her to a quiet place until she calmed down. And I would hug her if she needed it, because the toddler years are emotionally difficult years. She thought she was playing a fun game of fetch with Mommy, and then it got taken away and she had no control over it. If you look at it from their maturity level, it makes sense why they behave the way they do.

Always remember that they are not behaving the way they do just to spite you or make you angry. They are still babies, and even though they can walk and talk and understand words, they are still very emotionally and cognitively immature.

[tmbg1022]

Thank you. Thoes are ideas that can really help. He does prefer to have things explained to him. He is in the who, what, when and why stage and will ask questions about everything. I never thought about just going to the store to make him walk around when we are not in hurry or need to direct my attention else where.

You're welcome, it feels good to be able to share what I have learned. It's great that he likes things to be explained. Definitely take advantage of that, you're teaching him to listen!! I'm sure you've used redirection throughout his life, you can continue to use it. For everything. If he knows shapes and colors use that when he gets antsy "do you see any squares? do you see anything that is red?" even when walking "step with your right foot, your left...". Now you can teach him to be observant of things around him "look for a blue car". "I see a bird in the tree!" It takes effort, but is definitely worth teaching him these things.
As another poster said preparing for things is priceless. If you can't do a dry run spend the car ride talking about what you are going to do, whether it's a time to have fun or if you are in a hurry. Talk through the places you will go and how you want him to behave. "You know how sometimes when we go to the grocery store you walk and hold my hand, but sometimes you sit in a cart? This time you'll sit in a cart because we're in a hurry and we need to get home to make dinner. Ok? (if he agrees then move on to something concerning him) Should we get strawberries for your breakfast tomorrow?" In the store remind him about what you've talked about if you need to. Geez, I could seriously write a book about getting your kid to do what you want by talking.
But anyway, if you can keep teaching him to listen you'll be better off in the long run. Good luck in those trying times....

[Krystal5]

I guess Maiya is one of those rare kids that can "behave" in public. I put that in quotes because I think she does great, but not everyone might agree. She does run ahead a LITTLE, but for example, in a grocery store, she never goes more than 1/2 the aisle away. She knows to touch only with one finger unless she asks me. She is really good at not going in a street or parking lot without holding a grown up's hand. Well, I say she "knows", but it's not like she would do all that if I wasn't watching her and "helping" her to remember.

Now, I don't know how much of her behavior is the techniques I use, how much is just her personality, and how much is just that she is not even 25 months yet and maybe hasn't reached that phase of the terrible twos yet! But, I'll tell you what I do with her, anyway, and maybe you can try some of the ideas if it hits your fancy.

I think the biggest thing we do that helps is that we take her on long hikes in the open areas around here, and just let her go wild. She can get FAR away from us if she wants, and we let her. She comes back when she's ready (well, we're walking, so we catch up pretty quickly anyway). She gets in to anything. She gets hours a week of just being herself with no rules at all, really. No reminders, no scolding, no grown ups ruining her fun. I think that makes it much easier for her to keep her control when she needs to.

Another thing I do is talk to her before hand. If we're going shopping, I tell her "We're going shopping. You can walk if you stay close where you can see and hear me. If you run off, you need to go back in the cart. If you want to touch something, what do you use?" And she answers "One finger!"

And the other thing I do is remind her a lot during the event, using if / then statements, and asking her. I find that asking her makes her THINK about the consequences, and I think that helps because at this young age, there is no impulse control. So I think asking and making her think turns it from impulse to a thought process. So, for example, I see her looking at a really cool toy, I ask her "How do you touch that?" "One finger!" "If you want to pick it up, what do you say?" "Peese!" If I see her running off, I ask her "What happens if you run off?" "All done..."

We've been doing it this way basically since day one, even before she could talk. I'd ask the question, which would make her pause, and then I'd answer it for her. So, I don't know if it'd work if you start at 25 months, but it probably won't hurt!

And like I said, it maybe doesn't work at all for us, maybe we'll hit the terrible twos for real soon, and all this will go out the window!

Good luck!

And just 'cause I like sharing pics way more than anyone cares about, this is the type of hike we go on:




ETA: Man, this makes me sound really cocky. She's not perfect, for sure. She can be very difficult at times and be a typical toddler. Just most of the time she is really, well, not "easy", but good, at least.

[sammilynn]

Lol that is an idea and yeah it probably would of helped to start something like that earlier. We love going on walks like that, infact we did one today down at the river and it was a blast. Well we also did a dry run at walmart and the only thing I needed was some tennis balls for the dogs so I knew I could take my time and just let him walk. He did perfectly but I think its cause he could tell I was not stressed about having to get in and get out. He asked lots of questions and pointed to things but did not try to run off. I kept telling him how good he was and at the check out he finally asked for something and that was M&Ms, we let him have them and told them it was cause he was a big boy. So maybe this may be the way I have to do it for a while. Thanks for the ideas and help ladies. I even appreciate the constructive criticism because it reminds me that he is still a baby just a bit older baby.



ETA: cause you shared a pic from an outing here is what we do with him. He gets to skip rocks with his cousin
DSCN1596.jpgDSCN1621.jpg

[Krystal5]

Awesome, so glad you had a good practice run! I guess it's a good learning experience for both of you- sometimes we forgot how easily and quickly they pick up on our emotions. If you're stressed, he's stressed! I hadn't thought about it when I made my post, but almost all "errands" I take her on are short, quick, and not rushed. I let her ask those questions, too, and we do a lot of talking, just like you mentioned. So maybe that's it as much as everything else I rambled on about!!

Yay for pictures! Man, that looks like a wonderful time. What a lucky little boy! I wish Maiya had an older cousin like that to hike with. Or wish we were closer and could take our crazy two year olds out on a hike together!

[sammilynn]

Awesome, so glad you had a good practice run! I guess it's a good learning experience for both of you- sometimes we forgot how easily and quickly they pick up on our emotions. If you're stressed, he's stressed! I hadn't thought about it when I made my post, but almost all "errands" I take her on are short, quick, and not rushed. I let her ask those questions, too, and we do a lot of talking, just like you mentioned. So maybe that's it as much as everything else I rambled on about!!

Yay for pictures! Man, that looks like a wonderful time. What a lucky little boy! I wish Maiya had an older cousin like that to hike with. Or wish we were closer and could take our crazy two year olds out on a hike together!

Yes we would. lol I love having family around and she is old enough to be able to handle him by her self(not that I let her cause I am to paranoid lol) I know that being less stressed must of helped a lot. Daddy was wondering why I was refusing a cart and then I let him in on the little secret after we left the store.

[Jess_Day]

I'll be honest I only read a handful of your responses and you got a lot... but I also agree with a few other moms you just might be expecting too much from a 2 yr old... I know... I too have one (a 2 yr old that is and I usually have to remind myself hes only 2)!!! Like yours mine is a great listener and for the most part does what he is told and is a great helper... and other times he can be such a handful... mine is usually pretty good about walking but at times complains, drags his feet, lingers about and these are sure fire ways for me to recognize hes bored and or getting tired. So I make up little games (depending on where we are and if its appropriate or not) but I have him try and walk on my shadow, or we cant step on any cracks, we count sidewalk trees or flowers or see if we can find any ants... hes 2, and making a game up is totally fine and other on-lookers will probably smile when then see a cute kid being cute. One older woman actually stopped me and said I brought a tear to her eye when she saw me interacting with my son this way instead of other moms who get all bent out of shape. It is totally acceptable to let your kid be a kid, he is one... but there is also nothing wrong with being a respectful kid with manners. and having my kid walk on my shadow to keep him form falling to far behind and it gets us back to the car before Sunday... Im all for it.

[Dreya]

Yeah this is the prime age for melting toddler syndrome. DS #2 is usually pretty good about walking and holding hands, but when he decides he doesn't want to his legs buckle and he turns into an impossibly heavy lump on the sidewalk. Telling him to get up and walk properly does nothing so I usually just pick him up at that point.

[babykenny]

Everyone has great ideas! DS is a smart boy, and is usually good in public. It is nearly always the case that the times he misbehaves are those times that we are in a time crunch. Murphy's Law...go figure! I love the idea of dry runs, taking a novel toy or a snack,, etc. sometimes, especially if he is acting up in a cart, I remind myself that he is just asking for positive attention (be it in a negative way). I don't have a dog, but I think about dogs who get ignored too long and then act out or chew something up in their frustration/need for attention. (not thatkidsare animals...but we all need love and attention.) I also try to deflect negative behavior and redirect him to something else. Sometimes it is just our way of asking to interact...to act out...