"It takes a village"

[macksmom]

It's funny the more I think about this I realize I DO have a village but don't feel comfortable utilizing it. I have at least 3 neighbors I could rely on, TONS of family around, my best friend in the world lives in my very own basement - I would trust her with my life yet I have never asked her to watch my kids.....I am just not comfortable asking the for help or wouldn't be comfortable with certain people helping me. Many have offered especially since I am pregnant.

I know the phrase relates to how the village helps raise the kids in other cultures or in re: to back in the day in our own culture how the whole family chipped in to help with childcare. Many have said since we have moved more towards women working and/or both parents working we have become more closed off to our "villages". I agree but also I think it has become more customary to "do your own thing" so to speak. I have 1 next door neighbor with kids (5 and 8) and a neighbor across the street with a 5yo boy. My DD is 5. They almost never see each other, play together and we can go over a week without seeing any of our neighbors. Our next door neighbor's father is ill and while I have offered to watch her kids if she needs to run to the hospital she has never asked and relies on her family. Both parents work in that family and despite the fact that I am picking up my DD at school every day she never asks me to pick up her kids and instead her 75yo mother does it.

I wonder how many of us DO really have villages but just do not utilize them? It doesn't have to be only family in your village.....

[Marcie]

Yes, I have a village now, and it is wonderful. While DH and I were dating, first married, and until DD was 18-months-old, we lived in NYC, with no family around and only friends who didn't yet have kids. I found it lonely and challenging to parent in that context. So we moved back to the midwest, within 10 miles of both sets of parents and our siblings, cousins, etc. It is amazing. My MIL comes over one morning a week to play with the kids, my mom is available pretty much anytime to help or play with us, we go to my parents' for dinner at least once a week, meet for brunch, go to the park together, the pool in the summer. Anytime I need a hair cut or want to spend an hour getting quick errands done, I just need to plan ahead. My MIL and DD took a 4-week art class together, for an hour once a week. My parents love to pick up one of the kids for breakfast on a Saturday. Both kids just light up whenever they see their grandparents.

Also, we live in a neighborhood (and specifically, on block) that is extremely tight knit and family friendly. By some crazy twist of fate, we live right next door to a couple I knew in college, with 3 young children, one of whom is a girl exactly DD's age. We have become very close friends and do drop off playdates and all kinds of random favors for each other. All the kids on our block play outside together in the afternoons, we have bbqs on the weekends, and some of the older girls babysit once the kids are in bed so we DH and I go to dinner.

I find the responses to this thread so interesting. Not to single out any particular person, but I really don't understand not asking for help. For me, I don't really think of it as "help," I guess. I am quite certain I could manage on my own, if I had to, even with my DH out of town much of the time. But I cannot physically and mentally engage my children 100% of the time. I have to do laundry, cook meals, pay bills, organize our house, etc. And they are so high energy. If I can have my mom or MIL or SIL or even a playmate, come over to spend time singing and reading and playing and dancing with my kids, why would I not take advantage of that? I find even when I get a half hour break some days, I have so much more patience and the ability to really enjoy the day, and I feel like I'm a better mom for it.

My brother's wife, in contrast, complains endlessly about how she is raising 3 kids on her own all day without any help, blah, blah, blah. (My brother works about a mile from their house and is home every day by 5:00 pm for dinner and rarely works on weekends). My mom asked and offered to come over one morning a week to babysit for her or just to come spend time with the kids. SIL let her do it for about a month, and then told her she didn't need her. I just don't understand it. Instead of using my mom (who is fabulous), she would rather put her kids in front of the tv during the day, schlep them all with her to do errands, and end up screaming at them by the end of the day because she is so tired and frazzled.

IDK, maybe it's because I am older, but I just don't want to be a martyr. So anytime a relative or friend who loves my kids wants to spend some time engaging them, that is just fine with me.

[Jai]

Definitely. We have a lot of people that we could ask if we needed to (my parents, and brothers, MIL and a ton of aunts and uncles that we are close to on DHs side).. however, the only people we ever ask is MIL and my parents. It's actually very rare that we ask at all. Usually it's them who ask if they can take the kids. But there are times we ask and they're right there to help. If we're sick my parents will drop stuff off for us (usually on the door step ), after I got my two teeth pulled my parents came and picked up the kids for the night so I could rest, if we have a funeral they offer to take them because they know we don't like to ask. If I have a dr appt during the day or need to be at the girls school my dad will come over and sit with Jayden. They're very helpful and I love them for it.

[ljs318]

No, I don't feel like I do. My family lives 4 hours away and if we lived closer to them I would have that feeling. We also moved away from home during college and have stayed here. Ironically, DH's family ended up moving up near we are, but they are less than helpful. MIL tries her hardest and would honestly love to contribute more, but she has so many issues that we really can't rely on her for much. It is very difficult for us to trust strangers and we feel like we don't want to impose on our friends for help. So, we have very little help. We probably average once every couple of months that someone besides us watches the girls.

[lovely]

My mom lives a block away but she doesn't really help with the kids. My in laws are about 5 miles away and they help out a ton. They will watch both kids.

[CoffeeCat]

We are very blessed to have a lot of nearby family and friends who could help us, but we don't regularly rely on them for babysitting. I have had a few pregnancy-related issues and called my mom or dh's sisters to help me out, which was a lifesaver, so for things like that I love being closeby and being able to trust someone. It's nice to have the option when we need it, but my dh and I really don't go out alone on dates very often (which is fine with us), or have jobs that require us to regularly use a babysitter.

[Smplyme89]

I used to feel guilty about relying so much on my mom to help me with my kids. But then I realized that in traditional societies, people always lived near extended families and this was the norm. I am so fortunate and blessed to have the kind of support I have. And it's not just about the convience for me of having help with the kids, but also I feel like my kids are so fortunate to have so many people in their lives who love them and care about them and for them. We are also planning to homeschool, and I expect grandparent time to be a regular part of our homeschool days. I will say, however, that having family around, even family that you love and get along with great, isn't always all rainbows and ponies. You have to let go of a little control and it's a little harder to be particular about what your kids are exposed to when it's your parents and in-laws who are doing the exposing, lol. But still, our family is mostly all great, and the benefits definitely outweigh the disadvantages.

I agree with this SO much! I get so down and guilty sometimes about everything that my mom does to help me! She loves it though and it's not that I ask, she just does it because she wants too She'll be pretty much all Nolan has and it is very important to me that he has a good relationship with her. Grammy let's him get away with some things I wouldn't and you know what, its OK. Thats what grandparents are for

[Smplyme89]

Not really a whole village, but I do have my mom. She lives with us, and it is wonderful!!! Even my DH thinks so. She's not ever allowed to move out lol! She works a full day, but she helps by playing with DD in the evenings while I cook, and then cleans up the dishes after dinner. She helps with laundry. She watches DD so I can run errands, or plays in the toy aisle with her while I do the shopping.

My moms not allowed to move out either! We love her being there and she loves being there with Nolan! She actually does want a bit of her own space though and we are working on buying her, her own travel trailer so that she has a little space that is 'hers'

[handsdown]

We are fortunate that we do have a village. DH and I live about 45 minutes from where we grew up. After I had Grayson I cut back my hours to part time and now only work 3 days a week. Instead of daycare we have a rotation of my mom, my MIL, and my best friend come to our house to watch him. None of them will let us pay them either. My parents have also taken him overnight a couple of times. They would love to do it more often but DH and I don't want him gone that often. When we graduated from college we purposely moved to a city that was not too far from our families since we wanted our kids to know their grandparents. After bringing Grayson home I was so glad I made this decision. I would have never slept the first two months if my mom and MIL had not come over a couple of days a week each to watch him while I slept. My best friend has also been a tremendous help. She won't just watch Grayson, she does laundry for me the days she is here and helps me organize things for Grayson. She also watches him sometimes when I have appointments that I can't take him to like the dentist.

[Sammitom]

we have lots of family near (i have one bro and sis and dh has 2 bros (1 out of state) and 2 sis) by but only have had my parents and dh's mom watch the kids and its only been a few times. we see what our siblings do to them and dont want them to have to worry about us doing that to them too. we try to do things that we can take them with us or we wont do it. that is just us though

[babykenny]

Do you have one? Do you live near family or close friends who step in to help you to care for your kids/family? If so, did you move, specifically, to be near them (or maybe you were already there)?

We were in NYC and moved to Buffalo/Niagara where I grew up to be close to family (DH is from Ireland) , so it was literally "do we go to Buffalo or Ireland." (I would have been willing to move overseas.) DH wanted Buffalo, and I was kinda grateful. Family, or raising our children around/by family if we can, was important to us. That isn't to say we will never have to move, but for now we are here! My Gram lives with my parents. The 3 of them help with DS all the time, and we all eat dinner together each night. That was an important part of all this: family meal time and breaking bread together. We share responsibility for who prepares dinners on which nights. DS goes to day care 3 days a week, and is over with my Mom and Gram 2 days. On Thursdays, my Mom and DS take swim class at the Y. My mom has a neurological disorder, so I think she loves the exercise.I agree with many of you: I'm still very careful and uncomfortable picking anyone to watch DS. My family is here, but I'm very careful not to abuse the privilege or expect them to watch DS. I have 2 sisters who arent dating anyone and have no immediate prospects of marriage/ kids, so they dont always "get" the parenting thing.With my parents, We keep a calendar each week so we know our expectations of each other. It seems to work! But yes, it does take a village, though human and often imperfect....we still feel blessed.

[DarkandtheWild]

My ILs watch Kai 1-2 days a week while we work. Other than that, we don't have anybody. I don't have many friends IRL, and the ones I do have are busy with their own lives.

[tapir]

No village. No local family, and friends are not kid friendly and work a lot of hours. We do have our old nanny who is FABULOUS (and saved my a$$ when I had an unexpected major health issue) but she works 60 hours a week and lives 45 min away. And we have a neighbor who is retired and will babysit and be on call when kid is sick and I have to go to work so she has to go to daycare. It is a juggle but we make it work. Luckily I am my own boss so if I just plain can't make it to work nobody fires me

[babykenny]

My ILs watch Kai 1-2 days a week while we work. Other than that, we don't have anybody. I don't have many friends, and the ones I do have are busy with their own lives.

So many moms feel this way. I wish I had more friends IRL, or lived closer to good friends. I reach out to local people, but sometimes I feel like I just haven't been around the right people, or met the right friends.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

So many moms feel this way. I wish I had more friends IRL, or lived closer to good friends. I reach out to local people, but sometimes I feel like I just haven't been around the right people, or met the right friends.

I know how you feel. I have great friends who I grew up with. Many of them have small children, and I always see them posting on each other's FB walls things like "thanks for watching my DD" or "let's have a playdate". I am jealous. I am a part of a moms group here, but I find that there is a group who grew up together, and then a group who have been in the club forever...and then there is me, who is shy and struggles to break into these groups.

[mommabert]

We do not have a village.

I want to go on a date with my husband.

[babykenny]

My village is full of idiots.

Best thing I heard/read today. By far!

[babykenny]

I know how you feel. I have great friends who I grew up with. Many of them have small children, and I always see them posting on each other's FB walls things like "thanks for watching my DD" or "let's have a playdate". I am jealous. I am a part of a moms group here, but I find that there is a group who grew up together, and then a group who have been in the club forever...and then there is me, who is shy and struggles to break into these groups.

Thanks. I went to Catholic school growing up, so we came from many school districts. I went to undergrad out of state, and those friends are even farther away than that. Grad school friends were all over the place, and mostly Canadian. I am finding it hard to locate/join a moms group in my area, and see the same FB posts as you. It hurts a little.

We do not have a village.

I want to go on a date with my husband.

Im sorry. I can say that even with a village, you still feel too guilty to ask to go on a date. My village can be very critical of me...in fact, my mom criticized my color choices of my outfit today: navy top, brown skirt with brown wedge espadrilles. Seriously?! Sometimes one can feel alone in a crowd worse than when they are literally all alone...

[Pineapple]

[QUOTE=Im sorry. I can say that even with a village, you still feel too guilty to ask to go on a date. My village can be very critical of me...in fact, my mom criticized my color choices of my outfit today: navy top, brown skirt with brown wedge espadrilles. Seriously?! Sometimes one can feel alone in a crowd worse than when they are literally all alone...[/QUOTE]

That outfit sounds cute! I know what you mean about critical moms, though.