What would you choose

[tanyachap]

I witnessed the most heated yet civilized discussion among friends yesterday about working and stay at home moms and what the women's choice is likely to be. I am curious what would you choose ASSUMING that your DH's salary would be enough to pay the bills, put a little bit in savings, pension (IRA or 401k and/or other options), pay for some preschool (if you deem that necessary), and some but not much entertainment (let's say go somewhere once a year, go to a restaurant a couple times a month, afford a sitter for a couple hours here & there). Would you choose to stay home, go back part time, full time or what? Please also assume for the part time and full time option that it makes financial sense to work (in other words, you don't work to pay for daycare/nanny etc.)

Poll to come

[spiscariot]

I can't see polls on my phone, so I can't vote lol
I would still go back to work. I love my DS, but I need that "break" away from him bc I am a very stressed out person bt nature.
In reality, we are unable to live off of 1 income anyway. And we have been blessed with the opportunity to have my mom watch DS 4 days a week and our jobs have been understanding enough to work from home alternating Fridays.

[MomOfAnOnly]

I think different personalities need different things. I will stay home as long as my family needs me to. I want to homeschool my DD as long as it works for her, even if thats up until college. My DH also enjoys me being at home. He comes and goes from work during the day, and he likes being able to stop in to have lunch with us. And now he's really working hard to provide for us, he takes pride in that (it hasn't always been that's way, he's changed a lot this past year).

This is what I've always wanted ever since I was a little girl, this is what fulfills me. I have zero desire to have a career. I've had one. I still work very part time from home, but that's honestly only because it's for my friend, and for right now (and for the past 6 years) she's needed me. We don't need the money. I would love to not have the extra responsibility that takes my time and attention away from my family even if it's only for a couple hours a week (mostly after my DD is in bed).

[misfit]

I plan to go back to work once Evelyn is a couple years old, but if his income can support it I'd wait until at least E was in Kindergarten so we wouldn't be paying for 2 in childcare. It really depends on what we can afford to do.

[Marquette Fan]

For me, I need to work at least part-time. Mentally I would not do well being a full-time SAHM. Being a SAHM is very hard work I know and I just can't do it. I currently work part-time and love it - I feel like it is the best of both worlds for me.

[handsdown]

For me, I need to work at least part-time. Mentally I would not do well being a full-time SAHM. Being a SAHM is very hard work I know and I just can't do it. I currently work part-time and love it - I feel like it is the best of both worlds for me.

Exactly what Erica said. I currently work 3 days a week which is perfect. I need my adult time but I still love having my two days a week home with my peanut.

[HisWifeHerMom]

I gave up my career for my family....some days I really miss it and other days I cant picture being away from my princess, I do however take one day a week JUST for me! As I found it was important to get out of the house and focus on me and not so much everyone else ( It might sound selfish but It works for me)

[haydensmom]

I guess technically I do work, but I work from home (my own business). But I can not imagine going back to work. I love being home.

[Iloveteaching]

I am a high school teacher. I feel like I have the best of both worlds because I do have a good amount of time home. If I could I would probably work 20 hours a week but I would definitely want to work. It is nice to get away a bit every day plus I worked very hard for my degrees and I want to use them.

[KC's wifey]

I choose to stay at home right now. My babies are little, and I want to be home with them. However, I do want to keep my skills up so that if anything ever happened where I needed to take over bringing the income in, I could. That is also important to me, as I've known several women whose husbands became sick, injured, died, or left... and they had no way to support their family. Also, my husband is going back to school and it is possible that I may need to work for a little while to support him which in turn will improve his ability to provide for us. So I am continuing my education and certifications and keeping my skills up.
Maybe someday when my kids are older, depending on their needs, I will go back to work. I do love my chosen career, but my family's needs come first.

For the poll, assuming money was not an option, I chose stay at home for a limited amount of time. But really it could be a long period of time or never. lol

[tami]

dh does make enough to support us but after putting in 14 years of post secondary and enjoying my career I would like to keep working, however for various reasons (needing to finish my residency) I have to work more over the next 3 years than I would like (30-35 hours per week) but after that I will decrease it to 10-15 hrs per week which for me is the ideal balance...

[DucksLikeRain]

We've been in this position/are in this position. Initially I chose to stay home. I went back to work full time after Keira was born...for less than a week. In the end it wasn't worth it to me to have to be tied to such a rigid schedule when we had been living off my salary alone for a year and now that John was out of school and working he was making the same amount as I was. It just made sense for me to quit. I think that decision would have been much harder had we had an overlap where we both were working and had gotten used to living within the means of two salaries.

Now that the girls are older we still are definitely fine with only his income-he's making twice what he was when Keira was born. But life circumstances have changed and they are both in school for part of of every day and I find my time is best used by working part time-anywhere from 5-20 hours in a week depending on what else I've got going on. I still wouldn't choose to work full time because I would sacrifice the bit of leisure I feel I've been able to build into an otherwise scheduled life for the girls. But I do definitely enjoy those hours I do work, while the girls are in school. Next year they'll both be in school all day and I've toyed with going back to school but I don't really feel super motivated-I don't plan to ever work full time so I wouldn't USE the schooling necessarily. And I'm not someone who needs the degree under my belt to feel fulfilled as a woman and wife so going to school would likely just be a waste of my time at this point.

[lovely]

I love being able to stay home, but I am just not cut out for it. And I have been home since Sept of last year. And honestly. I can't stand it. I wish I could find a job but no luck so far. I'd be happy with 10 hours just so I could get out of the house and communicate with adults. I chose work 10 hours.

[macksmom]

That basically IS our situation and I wouldn't change a thing. I could definitely see the benefit of working PT and if I could I might so it's hard to say. I always wanted to be a FT SAHM mom but it is nothing like I imagined it would be. It is very hard work and sometimes lonely and non-stimulating. I am not really interested in office-type work though so I could see myself maybe working PT in the future as a freelance artist again or even in a garden center or bakery just for some extra cash and to get some adult interaction once all my kids are in school...or once my mom retires or my youngest is at least in preschool.

It would be nice to have a bit more money but I know it will come in the future. It's really hard when you have young children. Having a child in kinder I can see how much easier it is when they get older (of course you run in to other problems lol). But in terms of getting things done and having free time - way easier once your child is of school age.

[tanyachap]

I don't mean to imply that those who want to stay home are financially unreasonable b/c many people make it work. I am just one of those "what if" people that drive myself CRAZY.

[tanyachap]

I know it depends on personality and family needs. I would love to work PT 10-15 hours a week but for the time being is not realistic and I am SAHM. I am happy although I don't feel I have the financial security I would like to have. So I chose PT 10 hours a week. Basically I want to be with the kids while they are so little but I want to maintain my skills and my license, put more $$$ in my IRA, and have more financial freedom. We live in a very expensive area and I know working husbands who lost their job/got injured/left the family and the wives struggle to go back to the work market. Retirement is another concern for me. But that's me. I am very conservative when it comes to financial planning. I appreciate everyone's view.

[mommabert]

Ideally I would stay home full-time until baby was around 4 or 5 years old, then put him/her in school part-time and work part-time. When he/she started school full-time I'd go back to work part-time and work while he/she is in school. That's the ideal for me.

[CoffeeCat]

Ideally I would stay home full-time until baby was around 4 or 5 years old, then put him/her in school part-time and work part-time. When he/she started school full-time I'd go back to work part-time and work while he/she is in school. That's the ideal for me.

This is what I hope to do for my kids. It's one of the reasons we wanted them spaced closely, to cut down on some of the time out of work. I wouldn't not have the children we want to have in order to minimize my time out of work, like stop at 2 just because of that concern, but a 3-4+ year gap for 4 kids is 14-17+ years out of work versus 12 ish. I may go back to school part-time when I only have 2 at home, depends on if they fare well in public school or we need to go the homeschool route. I'm willing to do it if they need it, but I would rather have them go to a public or private school if possible.

I have my days that I miss getting the *type* of intellectual stimulation that I loved in college (motherhood is intellectually stimulating, but in other ways than memorizing things and writing papers), but I find other things to research and learn about on my own, or re-read old textbooks. I have used a lot of skills and knowledge from my former life as a pre-med student in my homemaking and mothering techniques, which makes me feel like my degree is still useful and worthwhile even though I'm not using it to further my eventual career right now. (The fact that I am not in tremendous debt for that degree makes it a little easier also.) I keep socially active with friends, church, playgroups. And I do a lot of online socializing-sometimes I fear I go overboard with long responses partly because I haven't conversed with an adult all day and crave being able to speak to someone without being interrupted by an insistent little person. It's definitely not perfect at all-I have "the grass is greener on the other side" moments like everyone else, but overall I feel happy with our choice. It just feels right for us right now.

I should say we also don't have every single item on your checklist for financial fitness checked off, so I'm making this decision despite not having a "comfortable" income, which I feel is sometimes almost offensive to some people. It's hard to constantly get this message that you should have everything be 100% perfect financially before you would dare to stay at home, or else you are taking advantage of someone or failing your kids. I know you weren't saying that with your question but I encounter it a lot. "Must be nice to be rich enough to stay home" etc. My hubby doesn't make a ton of money, but we have opened up retirement accounts and contribute to them what we can monthly, which is less than others who are making more and have two incomes, but if we get a windfall, we contribute more. When I go back to work, I hope to make up for lost time in that regard. We have life insurance to cover both of us, health insurance, food, and our utilities are paid, even if they might be a few days late once in awhile, and we do have savings, although we may have to borrow from it from time to time for emergencies and struggle more than some to pay it back. Most importantly I don't feel guilty about choosing to stay home yet live on one modest income with 4 kids because we have very little debt and minimal monthly expenses. My Bachelor's degree cost me 12k in total because I turned down some more expensive schools, commuted, got scholarships and worked every summer and break to pay off as much as I could. Our mortgage for our 2200 square foot house with a yard in a nice neighborhood is 93K and has 60+K in equity because we bought a fixer-upper and my dh fixed it himself, which was hard work. Our rental property's mortgage is 45K wth 20+K in equity. Another fixer-upper that we used to live in despite it being too small for our 3 kids. We don't have loans on our vehicles. We have one small balance credit card with a couple hundred bucks on it that we are about to pay off. Compared to people who make more but also spend more, we probably live with just about the same amount of discretionary spending after the big expenses in life are factored in, and then we save more money by being uber frugal. We live with cruddy no contract cell phones for months longer than anyone else would, we don't go out to dinner which is fine with me since my taste for prepared foods has changed anyway and my hubby has to watch his sodium and fat intake for his health. I wheel and deal to get us the cheapest price for every utility/luxury item, like phone, Internet, TV, etc. I am always looking for ways to cut costs...it is like a full-time job to me, but I like it. It satisfies the need for that intellectual challenge and I feel like I am "beating the system" which appeals to my personality. Like Bridget said, it is a way that I am "providing" for my family, and I'm proud of that. Sorry to go off on a tangent but since I am answering this question yet don't have what others would consider a comfortable income, I had to say why I am comfortable anyway.

[BabyHopes]

Ideally I would stay home full-time until baby was around 4 or 5 years old, then put him/her in school part-time and work part-time. When he/she started school full-time I'd go back to work part-time and work while he/she is in school. That's the ideal for me.

This would be my ideal too.

[patti_jim]

Ideally I would stay home full-time until baby was around 4 or 5 years old, then put him/her in school part-time and work part-time. When he/she started school full-time I'd go back to work part-time and work while he/she is in school. That's the ideal for me.

This is what my mother did with me and my 4 younger siblings. This is what I plan to do with my children. I worked ALOT when DD9 was little and missed ALOT of time with her. It's one of the only regrets I have that I wish I could change.

Also, the situation you describe is where we're at right now. Like another PP said, it's really our ideal situation. DH is making really good money, we don't have any debt and our car is paid off. We have a large chunk of money in our savings and we add more to it every month. We have enough money to go out to eat when we get the urge and occasionally splurge on things we "want" but don't "need". BUT, even if we had to cut back on some stuff, I would still choose to stay home when my kids aren't in school.

FWIW, word has spread around my town that I like to take pictures and i'm approached often about taking family photos, so I guess it's like a really, REALLY part-time job. I do it for fun and to have a creative outlet. I have a mom asking me to do her pregnancy belly pics right now, which i've never done, so i'm excited about it

[froggie83]

stay home forever. i hate working, i hate dealing with people, and public places drive me nuts.... also i don't like to drive so staying home is best for me.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

i would stay home forever. My mom does not work. She worked briefly and part-time when I was in elementary through high school, and I know she stays busy. I would love that life. I do not need a career for any type of fulfillment. I did before having kids...I was a teacher, and felt that it was my calling, but I no longer feel that way.

[tyvek]

HA, I think your scenario is more of an ideal in my life than just settling. LOL! However, for me and my family I would make the decision to be a SAHM. Since I work from home I guess I still consider myself a SAHM who is just pretty tired. If I could go without working I would do that in a heart beat. It would open up more energy for me to use with the kids. However, like PP stated, everyone is different. I doubt I would get into a heated debate about someone else's life choice.

[MomOfAnOnly]

Why was there a debate about it? I'm curious

[tanyachap]

Why was there a debate about it? I'm curious

One of the couples are very set on men and women's roles in the family. So, they think that if the DH makes enough $$$ to provide for the family, the wife should be more than happy to stay home. The other couple felt the opposite - in their opinion, women should work for better financial stability etc. The third couple sided with the second. We were the fourth couple who did not feel strongly either way: we just felt do what works for you. Since the other 3 couples were our guests, I was trying to change the subject. The debate was heated. My DH however was successful. He introduced the topic of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding That was even worse and there were hurt feelings, mostly between the first and second couple. It was so exhausting. I could not wait for the party to be over. I like them all and they have been friends forever but it seems that they grew apart after the kids; their personalities and parenting styles became very different. IMO both couples were a little extreme, perhaps because they were in an argument.

When they left, I told DH that I bet given the opportunity to choose, more women will choose to be SAHMs for several years but a lot will choose to be PT moms b/c that option has benefits too. So I started the poll to see how people here feel. It is a theoretical poll, of course, as I understand that many people don't have the option to choose. Let's say some moms have to work and some cannot really go back part time b/c it makes no financial sense and adds too much stress for little to no money.

[Smplyme89]

I plan on staying home after the next baby until Nolan goes to school (don't want the b ill of two in daycare). I don't really see the point in staying home after the kids are in school. I just don't get that.

I am also a "what if" person. Choosing to stay at home, while it is what I want to do, is hard for me. I've alwys been able to provide for myself. I will be continuing going to college while I stay home though and will have my BA and be on my way to my Masters by the time Nolan is in school. So "if" I needed too, I would be well equipped looking for a job

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

I don't really see the point in staying home after the kids are in school. I just don't get that.

For me, it would give me the opportunity to make home-made meals for dinner every night, which is important to me, have a clean house, volunteer and become more active in my church, help my children when they come home from school with their homework, and save the weekends for my family. That would be ideal for me if I could choose. I honestly do not know how working moms do it, and I am already dreading going back to work in 5 years.

[Smplyme89]

For me, it would give me the opportunity to make home-made meals for dinner every night, which is important to me, have a clean house, volunteer and become more active in my church, help my children when they come home from school with their homework, and save the weekends for my family. That would be ideal for me if I could choose. I honestly do not know how working moms do it, and I am already dreading going back to work in 5 years.

I just can't imagine never having a job. I don't understand that and I guess I never will. It must just be my personality since I like to provide for myself.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

I just can't imagine never having a job. I don't understand that and I guess I never will. It must just be my personality since I like to provide for myself.

I understand that, too. It probably is personality. I am also an introvert and love just being home Plus, I had different upbringing where my mom was (and still is) home. Plus, I like traditional roles for males and females and would love to be a stay at home wife. I am glad, though, that we live in time where there are opportunities for women to have jobs/careers if they choose or need it...it's just an ideal I would LOVE for me!

[hpfan04]

I understand that, too. It probably is personality. I am also an introvert and love just being home Plus, I had different upbringing where my mom was (and still is) home. Plus, I like traditional roles for males and females and would love to be a stay at home wife. I am glad, though, that we live in time where there are opportunities for women to have jobs/careers if they choose or need it...it's just an ideal I would LOVE for me!

This is me too. I would stay home forever if I could. In reality, in several years when I'm done having kids and they are all in school, I will probably get a job at a school so I can have the same hours/days off that my kids do.