how do i move forward in the case of a rape?

**meg_star** · 02-11-2012, 10:05 PM

i guess the title pretty much explains my problem. 2 weeks ago i got raped by someone i trusted completely and he refuses to talk to me and has been telling people i wanted it completely. im not worried about his rumors but i have had symptoms of a pregnancy and im scared that i am pregnant. im 15 going on 16 and this would be a horrible time in my life to have a child and im not sure what to do. an abortion is not happening but would an adoption path be a better choice? and what if i go down that road and change my mind at the last second? im scared and i dont know what to do. i need HELP! please someone answer this im desperate i do not know where else to turn

**meg_star** · 02-11-2012, 10:09 PM

btw charges have been pressed and its not going to be an issue

V · 02-12-2012, 02:05 AM

I just wanted to send you a big hug and say Im so very sorry for what you have been through. If it does turn out you are pregnant, I'm sure many of the wonderful ladies here will be able to give you some advice on your options, especially adoption. I hope you are not, you've been through so much already. Well done for pressing charges, you are strong and will get through this. You can also find a lot of help and support from the online forum Pandora's Project (www.pandys.org)

Take care and warmest wishes x

**pumpkinpeejays** · 02-12-2012, 12:04 PM

I am so sorry for what has happened to you. We are all here for you. When/if you give birth the hospital gives you options for adoption.

**mother of seven** · 02-12-2012, 12:58 PM

i wanted to say sorry for everything you have been though i do want to ask when are you due to start you period so that you can test when your late we are all here for you buy only you can know in your heart what is right for one

**BabyLove1** · 02-12-2012, 06:06 PM

I'm SO sorry that you're going thru this!! When will you know about the pregnancy for sure?
And GOOD FOR YOU for pressing charges!! Too many women don't do that!
Best of luck!!

**meg_star** · 02-12-2012, 10:44 PM

i can not test for pregnancy and get an accurate result until the end of this week but i have symptoms of it and i feel like i am. im guaranteed the man who did this to me will be in jail for at least 7 years. i just want to know what other people will do. An abortion is out of the question because i am not going to punish a child for something it couldnt control. has any of you gone through adoption? im probably going to raise it if i am i just need advice though

**Colee** · 02-13-2012, 08:03 AM

As pp said only you can know what's right for you. There are a lot of things to consider - do you have a support system to help you, can you balance school and a baby/child, would the baby remind you too much of what happened, etc. If you decide to adopt would you look within your family, have an open adoption (where you would get to see pics and get updates about the child), or have a closed adoption (no contact after the adoption is final). Those are all things to think about once you know for sure you are pg. Pregnancy with take you through emotions you've never had before so even if you think you know what you would do now it might change once things start to sink in. Even after you test you will have 8 more months to sort things out. You are right for trying to make a plan as soon as possible, but there is still one big IF that needs to be answered before any of it matters - if you are pg at all. The mind can play tricks on the body when it is under significant stress. I've felt pg many times when I turned out not to be. Try to just get through the week and when you know for sure let us know. I'm sure there will be lots of advice to be had once everyone knows a little more about what's going on. (((HUGS))) till then.

**sara1215** · 02-13-2012, 08:07 AM

I would recommend you seek counseling to help you deal with the entire situation.

**Lillismom** · 02-13-2012, 08:37 AM

I also agree that you need to seek a counselor that can sit down with you and discuss your options, talk you through what happened, help you determine the best path to take. Do you live with your mom and dad? Have you told them that you think you might be pregnant? I'm sorry that you have had to go through this

**pumpkinpeejays** · 02-13-2012, 11:02 AM

I agree, if you are PG, see a counselor, they don't know you and they can offer impartial advice.

**Rae_1478** · 02-13-2012, 11:30 AM

You sound like a bright young woman! I have never been in your shoes, but you sound like you have a very clear head on your shoulders! I commend you for making such an adult decision about whether to potentially end a child's life using logic and your own beliefs. No one your age should have to make such a decision!

I agree with whoever posted above that you should find a counselor to talk to. A school counselor or a religious leader would be a free option, and given the circumstances, you have no reason to be ashamed. If you feel any counselor is judging you, move on to a new counselor. I hope you find all the emotional support IRL but definitely use us ladies, too, as much as you want!

**meg_star** · 02-13-2012, 08:22 PM

I went to the doctor today. their tests apparently are more accurate than the ones on the box. Im pregnant.. they told me im about 3 weeks in and my due date is on Halloween. My dad has been here for me. he knows about the rape and he now knows im pregnant. Grade wise i think i can handle a child because i was already on track to graduate my junior year. Given the circumstances im i sure i can get a diploma early if i spend my summer taking classes like i did last year. Emotionally wise i dont know what would be right for the child. at 16 (how old id be when i had the baby) it is hard to get a job when so many other people want the position who do not have a 8 hour school day to busy them up. My best friend mike is emancipated and he told me if i could find money for gas sometimes and pay for groceries then i could move in with him and i have someone who i fell in love with that told me he wanted to be the father even if it wasnt his child. it looks like i will have a place, time and enough support to keep the child but im worried i might be being selfish or im making a bad decision for the baby. this is the guy who wants to support me and my child. he is 17 and has a job with his father. He would be the one to father my child and he is the guy i fell in love with.
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**Gwenn** · 02-13-2012, 08:40 PM

I have no great advice, but I just wanted to offer you

and let you know that I think you're an incredibly strong young lady. I know others have done it before and done very well for themselves. Good luck with whatever you decide, but just be certain you don't rush into any decisions.

**Tsuuriki** · 02-14-2012, 07:50 AM

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's good that you have someone willing to support you, but remember that you still have plenty of time to decide between parenthood and adoption. Good luck, and remember that we're here to help!
PS- Come join us in the October due date forum!

**Cosmosmom** · 02-14-2012, 07:58 AM

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Big

I agree with the others in finding someone to talk to about all of this. For example, the agency we are using is Lutheran Social Services and they provide a great deal of counseling to women in situtations like yours. They would let you know about various options you have and if you decide that parenting is the right thing for you and your baby, they would help you get hooked up with various social services that would be useful to you.
I cannot imagine how hard this must be and you sound like such a strong and brave young lady.

**Colee** · 02-14-2012, 08:43 AM

What a lot to take in at 15 years old. You are already doing far better than I would have at your age.

As I said previously there are a lot of options that can be considered. It sounds like you have your heart set on making a family with/for this baby. If you are willing to put forth the effort to make it work, knowing full well that it will be very, VERY hard, then there's no reason to say you can't or shouldn't simply because of your age. Age isn't the biggest factor so much as maturity. I've known several girls who have come from far worse situations that were able to keep their babies and make good lives for them. There are programs available to help you along as well. If you decide you want to go to college to have more opportunities in the job market you can get assistance for daycare costs and scholarships for tuition. There are also great work-from-home type of jobs that offer good income if you have the time management skills to balance them with a child - a friend of mine does medical transcription so she can stay home with her LOs.

IMO, the biggest question you need to ask yourself about keeping the baby is this: Are you willing to become 2nd in your own life for years to make this baby/child the most important one? The fact that you are trying to decide if your decision is a selfish one shows a higher level of maturity than most 15 year olds have already. If this is what you want and you are willing to put the baby before yourself and work your butt off to make it work then it is certainly very possible for you to succeed and make a good life for you both.

I would agree with PPs that you seek some guidance IRL in addition to what you find here. We are all more than willing to help guide you, but those who know you may have insight about your personality and situation that would give a clearer idea of what might be the best advice. Ask those you trust most. Whoever raised you seems to have done a fine job so I would start there. Also seek out a counselor to help you through the initial incident and deal with any emotions from that - you don't want it coming back up years down the line and disrupting whatever life you do make for your self. Trust me on this one. It's coming from someone who didn't when I should have because I thought I could handle it on my own. If you won't do it for yourself think of it as a gift to the man you will end up married to some day.

No matter what happens your life has been changed forever by this pregnancy. I pray you have peace about whatever decision you make. (((HUGS)))

**haydensmom** · 02-14-2012, 08:47 AM

Originally Posted by Colee

What a lot to take in at 15 years old. You are already doing far better than I would have at your age.

As I said previously there are a lot of options that can be considered. It sounds like you have your heart set on making a family with/for this baby. If you are willing to put forth the effort to make it work, knowing full well that it will be very, VERY hard, then there's no reason to say you can't or shouldn't simply because of your age. Age isn't the biggest factor so much as maturity. I've known several girls who have come from far worse situations that were able to keep their babies and make good lives for them. There are programs available to help you along as well. If you decide you want to go to college to have more opportunities in the job market you can get assistance for daycare costs and scholarships for tuition. There are also great work-from-home type of jobs that offer good income if you have the time management skills to balance them with a child - a friend of mine does medical transcription so she can stay home with her LOs.

IMO, the biggest question you need to ask yourself about keeping the baby is this: Are you willing to become 2nd in your own life for years to make this baby/child the most important one? The fact that you are trying to decide if your decision is a selfish one shows a higher level of maturity than most 15 year olds have already. If this is what you want and you are willing to put the baby before yourself and work your butt off to make it work then it is certainly very possible for you to succeed and make a good life for you both.

I would agree with PPs that you seek some guidance IRL in addition to what you find here. We are all more than willing to help guide you, but those who know you may have insight about your personality and situation that would give a clearer idea of what might be the best advice. Ask those you trust most. Whoever raised you seems to have done a fine job so I would start there. Also seek out a counselor to help you through the initial incident and deal with any emotions from that - you don't want it coming back up years down the line and disrupting whatever life you do make for your self. Trust me on this one. It's coming from someone who didn't when I should have because I thought I could handle it on my own. If you won't do it for yourself think of it as a gift to the man you will end up married to some day.

No matter what happens your life has been changed forever by this pregnancy. I pray you have peace about whatever decision you make. (((HUGS)))

I totally agree with all of this. I'm so sorry that you've been forced into these shoes, hon, but I really pray that you will come to the right decision and will have loads of support.

**pumpkinpeejays** · 02-14-2012, 09:44 AM

I just wanted to add that I'm thinking about you, and you have a TON of support from all of us.

**Rae_1478** · 02-14-2012, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by pumpkinpeejays

I just wanted to add that I'm thinking about you, and you have a TON of support from all of us.

This! Whether you decide adoption of raising the baby yourself is best for both of you, there is a lot of support to be had here.

**Babidol** · 02-14-2012, 11:41 AM

Good luck! I hope you are able to find some answers over the next several months. If possible, you should consider staying with your family in my opinion. My mom had me at 16 and it was really hard for her. She made it, we all did, but her parents did not support her decision. Unfortunately, the people who were my friends at 16 and the boy I was in love with were all gone by the time I turned 21. The teenage years are just so tough and so full of changing relationships. You and your child would need stability, something most parents can offer. I just wanted to send hugs.

**haydensmom** · 02-14-2012, 12:31 PM

Originally Posted by Babidol

Good luck! I hope you are able to find some answers over the next several months. If possible, you should consider staying with your family in my opinion. My mom had me at 16 and it was really hard for her. She made it, we all did, but her parents did not support her decision. Unfortunately, the people who were my friends at 16 and the boy I was in love with were all gone by the time I turned 21. The teenage years are just so tough and so full of changing relationships. You and your child would need stability, something most parents can offer. I just wanted to send hugs.

I meant to say this earlier and I forgot!!! I could not agree more with the above!

**Colee** · 02-14-2012, 01:05 PM

Originally Posted by Babidol

Good luck! I hope you are able to find some answers over the next several months. If possible, you should consider staying with your family in my opinion. My mom had me at 16 and it was really hard for her. She made it, we all did, but her parents did not support her decision. Unfortunately, the people who were my friends at 16 and the boy I was in love with were all gone by the time I turned 21. The teenage years are just so tough and so full of changing relationships. You and your child would need stability, something most parents can offer. I just wanted to send hugs.

This is a good point babidol. Family can be the greatest support system available when things are hard/changing. I forget sometimes how volatile the teenage years can be. I come from the other end of the spectrum. I met/started dating Dh at 16 and we've been together ever since - married at 19, first child at 21. He was the only person I ever dated. My 2 best friends from high school are still my best friends today. I know I am very much the exception to the rule though. My niece moved in with "the love of her life" as soon as she graduated high school even though he "just wasn't ready for marriage yet." By 20 she was a single mom with 3 kids - none of which belonged to him because he took off within a few months. She's lived with several men over the last 6 years all of which started out saying they wanted to help her raise the kids, but ended up leaving because it was too hard. I'm not saying that will happen to you. The point is I've seen it go both ways. What seems like forever when you are 16 often is not so, but if your family is willing to support your decision they will still be there years down the line. I certainly wouldn't rush into "playing house" for the sake of the baby. If you are BOTH sure this is it and ready to get married and settle down then moving and making a family may be a good option. If either one of you isn't THAT sure this is what you want then staying with family might be the wiser course. Be aware that whoever you have in your life will also, should you choose to keep the baby, be in your child's life and, by the same token, if they leave you they will also be leaving the child. One of the moms in my due date room just had this happen. The father of her second child decided a few weeks ago he wasn't ready for a baby and left her alone to deliver the baby and raise the 5 year old that he'd been helping with for several years already. That can be extremely hard on kids so you have to be very careful who you let in. They were both much older than you so don't think I'm saying it just because of your age. He wasn't mature enough to step up when he needed to and it left her and her son reeling. She ended up leaning back on her family - her brother offered her a place to stay till she got things sorted out. I have no doubt they will make it, but it surely won't be easy for any of them. Just more things to consider. Being a parent makes life very complicated.

**meg_star** · 02-14-2012, 03:00 PM

I realize that the people in my life now could change in the future. i have been thinking about moving in with my friend because he can offer me a steady place to live without having my baby around my real mom and my 5 brothers. i dont believe that is a good situation for a baby to grow up in. my dad told me he has my back but i would have to support myself in this and i believe that would be a good place to start because not only is my rent paid for but it is close to my moms house and the high school out by my moms house. I have a good support system going with both my parents but im still on my own now so i have to think as such. i have 8 mmore months to figure out my living situation and i have decided to keep my baby. i know its going to be hard but at the end of the day, if i dont have someone who loves me and wants to marry me, i have someone to love and cherish until i die. i realize that my boyfriend might not be there for me in crunch time but i wasnt the one who asked to him to be a father, he told me he wanted to. I trust him and love him but im aware of what could happen there too. i want to thank you guys for support as i have been going through this because this i dont have people here who truly understnad

**BabyLove1** · 02-14-2012, 03:37 PM

Originally Posted by meg_star

I realize that the people in my life now could change in the future. i have been thinking about moving in with my friend because he can offer me a steady place to live without having my baby around my real mom and my 5 brothers. i dont believe that is a good situation for a baby to grow up in. my dad told me he has my back but i would have to support myself in this and i believe that would be a good place to start because not only is my rent paid for but it is close to my moms house and the high school out by my moms house. I have a good support system going with both my parents but im still on my own now so i have to think as such. i have 8 mmore months to figure out my living situation and i have decided to keep my baby. i know its going to be hard but at the end of the day, if i dont have someone who loves me and wants to marry me, i have someone to love and cherish until i die. i realize that my boyfriend might not be there for me in crunch time but i wasnt the one who asked to him to be a father, he told me he wanted to. I trust him and love him but im aware of what could happen there too. i want to thank you guys for support as i have been going through this because this i dont have people here who truly understnad

LIke everyone else, I am very sorry that you're going thru this but I'm VERY impressed with how you're handling the situation! I really think a counselor would help you also - help put things in perspective.

I think you should do what feels best to you in the end... either way, I do applaud your decision to have the baby one way or the other!! When you see that child for the first time you'll know for sure that that was the right decision, whether you raise him or her yourself or not!

I am not directly involved in an adoption but one of my cousins has two sons that are adopted. She can't have her own children because she has a tumor on her pituitary gland that is only controlled with medication - medication that she couldn't be on while she was pregnant. So her and her husband are adopting all of their children. I can tell you that watching the two of them receive children is SUCH an amazing experience. They love those two boys every bit as much as I love my own daughter - there is NO difference in the way they feel about them as I do for her. Their boys will grow to be surrounded by SO much love and support and will never want for anything! In both cases, they were in the hospital when the boys were born, and thus were with them from almost their first second of life.
They used a private adoption agency as well - where the parents literally hand-picked them out of a book containing profiles of people looking for children. So don't forget that if you do decide adoption, you can always use a service like this and literally hand-pick your child's parents. Also, a lot of people have open adoptions now where you would still get to see your child and your child would know that you were his or her biological parent!

I want to stress that I"m not trying to push you towards adoption - you need to do what's best for you and the baby in the end. However, I thought maybe having some information on someone that has adopted might help.

**Rae_1478** · 02-15-2012, 07:33 AM

I'm so glad you have emotional support from your parents! Can I ask what state you're in? I hope you join in your due date room, I would love to keep hearing from you!

One step at a time, take care of yourself!

**meg_star** · 02-15-2012, 02:22 PM

My parents are divorced. my mom is in california and i live in indiana with my dad. how do you join?

**ZsaZsa** · 02-15-2012, 02:54 PM

Hi, Hun. I just saw this post and like everyone else am so impressed with your grace and courage. Just come post and chat with us in the Oct. Due Date room. You can post your info on the top introduction sticky if you want but mostly we can be there to support you and are going through similar pregnancy symptoms and such. I hope you come join; regardless continue to take really good care of yourself

**LaurenMomof2** · 02-15-2012, 03:03 PM

Originally Posted by meg_star

My parents are divorced. my mom is in california and i live in indiana with my dad. how do you join?

Here's the link to the October Due Dates. http://americanpregnancy.org/forums/...ober-Due-Dates
I just wanted to drop in and say that I think you're very strong and brave! I wish you well!

**Inca** · 02-15-2012, 03:11 PM

Big

I echo what everyone else has said. You sound like a very smart girl and wise beyond your years. Good luck in whatever path you choose.

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