how to handle different family situations

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

I hope it is ok that I am posting this.

One of DS's best friends comes from a family with two moms. We met through a MOMS group. I have only met one of the moms, and she is one of my closest mommy friends. DS1 (3 years old) has been asking a lot of family-type questions, like he will ask other adults "do you have kids?" He is very curious about his friends' mothers. Today, he started asking me if his friends have daddies. Today, we met up with his friend and mom, and he asked the boys and his mom if the boy had a daddy. The mom just replied, "no he does not." I was so thankful he did not ask why. I was close enough to hear, but not part of that conversation.

I know the why is coming. How do i explain this to DS while being respectful to the boy and his family, without judging, but at the same time promoting a Christian family as an ideal?

[proudmommaof5]

Didn't want to read without posting. Hmmm, IDK....would like to hear some suggestions on this one.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

thanks. DH is not sure what to say either

[mrsbabyhead]

I have been thinking about this a lot for some reason.

Can you just say that in some families the daddy doesn't live with the mommy? I would think that simply answering whatever question he has is the best policy, rather than trying to pack all sorts of "But we do it this way" info in. You could say "Well Jimmy's daddy doesn't live with him. Some families don't have mommys or daddys. But you're so blessed to have your daddy and mommy married and living together!" Keep it short and sweet. Be neutral about their living situation but very positive about yours.

Does that help?

[Sakura]

I have been thinking about this a lot for some reason.

Can you just say that in some families the daddy doesn't live with the mommy? I would think that simply answering whatever question he has is the best policy, rather than trying to pack all sorts of "But we do it this way" info in. You could say "Well Jimmy's daddy doesn't live with him. Some families don't have mommys or daddys. But you're so blessed to have your daddy and mommy married and living together!" Keep it short and sweet. Be neutral about their living situation but very positive about yours.

Does that help?

This sounds good.

I probably can't say more without getting my comments deleted or revised (which has happened before).

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

I have been thinking about this a lot for some reason.

Can you just say that in some families the daddy doesn't live with the mommy? I would think that simply answering whatever question he has is the best policy, rather than trying to pack all sorts of "But we do it this way" info in. You could say "Well Jimmy's daddy doesn't live with him. Some families don't have mommys or daddys. But you're so blessed to have your daddy and mommy married and living together!" Keep it short and sweet. Be neutral about their living situation but very positive about yours.

Does that help?

That does help for other situations. But in this situation, the boy has two mommies and no father. So, I guess I could say something along the lines that some children do not have dads and have two mommies and that he is blessed...

This sounds good.

I probably can't say more without getting my comments deleted or revised (which has happened before).

That is why I was unsure to post. Feel free to PM me if you have any other suggestions

[KC's wifey]

Ive been thinking about this also. Its hard to discuss this here because of past drama. The Christian belief on this isn't popular.

I guess what I can say is that the Bible is clear. I wouldn't dilute that by keeping it really neutral. For me it would be a question of how to keep it age appropriate while still being true to what God has said on the issue. That is tricky.

ETA: Thinking more, and I think at age 3 I would do as little explanation as possible. My DD is not 3 yet, though, so I'm not sure how much a 3 year old can really understand, but I just don't think they are ready for this topic other than simple statements like "He has two mommies. Not all families are the same."
I don't know. Parenting is hard!

[Kylix]

I would simply say "There are many types of family." and if he asked more say "Some families have a mommy and a daddy. Some have one mommy and no daddy. Some have two mommies." or something like that. I would answer each question as simply as possible so as not to overwhelm him with too much information.

I dont know if I think 3 is a good age to get into the morality of this type of question-but I say that as someone who supports same sex marriages and relationships (and yes, I'm Christian). If he was concerned or seem puzzled (which is doubtful and children tend to be accepting), I would just say "God loves everybody" which is true.

[mrsbabyhead]

ETA: Thinking more, and I think at age 3 I would do as little explanation as possible. My DD is not 3 yet, though, so I'm not sure how much a 3 year old can really understand, but I just don't think they are ready for this topic other than simple statements like "He has two mommies. Not all families are the same."
I don't know. Parenting is hard!

Amen to that!

[misfit]

I would just explain that there are different types of families because he will definitely encounter more same-sex couples and blended families (stepmoms, and dads) as he gets older. Short and sweet is definitely best.

I know as Sam gets older it'll be tough to explain to him why he has four Grandpas (my dad, Chris's dad, his new stepdad, and his old stepdad (never officially married) who is the father of Chris's youngest siblings.)

[mrsbabyhead]

That does help for other situations. But in this situation, the boy has two mommies and no father. So, I guess I could say something along the lines that some children do not have dads and have two mommies and that he is blessed...

I was figuring that giving details - like what he has instead of mommy and daddy - would invite more questions about the situation. Lots of kids don't have fathers in the home, so saying he doesn't have a daddy at home might be perfectly satisfying to DS curiousity about it. That was my reasoning anyway.

[Palee]

I don't think there is anything wrong with explaining specifically what your family/denomination believes regarding family life and values to your son, but just because their are two moms and zero dads does not mean it is not a "Christian family," so be careful with that one--you could deeply hurt your mom friend and instill a sense of bigotry in your son if you are not careful. Teaching all of they grey areas surrounding beliefs is one of the hardest jobs we will face as a parent. I always try to remember Micah 6:8 and Matthew 7.

ETA:

Just a few years ago, public opinion placed Christianity clearly in the “God vs. Gay” camp. Today, despite what Rick Perry would have us think, nearly two-thirds (64%) of Americans agree that gay and lesbian relationships should be accepted by society, including majorities of all major religious groups except white evangelicals (Public Religion Research Institute, 8.29.11)

[KC's wifey]

This is why this topic is difficult. It is much easier for people who support and/or accept 'alternative lifestyles' as equal, whether it be socially or spiritually, to voice opinions precisely because it IS widely socially accepted. Right now some posts sound as though teaching our children that those lifestyles are in conflict with what the Bible teaches makes us bigoted/judgemental/etc.
But the Bible isn't grey about it. It is a hard thing to teach the truths of the Bible in our society because we will end up viewed that way. We should always speak in love, but not at the expense of truth. We shouldn't fear what people think of us so much that we convolute what God has spoken.

Again, I don't see a good way to explain much of this in an age appropriate way for a 3 year old. But parents who do not view this as a grey area will have a tough road ahead with teaching their children something that goes againts popular belief.

[DucksLikeRain]

I don't think three is the age to try and go into the scriptural beliefs on it at all. A child is usually asking these questions in passing curiosity. And as such an answer that literally answers the question is probably the best way to go about it-I personally have done the "every family is different" line because it is the most simple truth to the answer. My girls have had classmates with so many different family situations-gay/lesbian, divorced and remarried, divorced and not remarried, grandparent raising them, adopted, etc. Even at their ages now I don't get into the right or wrong about it because they are not able to distinguish accepting people without supporting choices yet. We focus on not worrying about other peoples' choices and only worrying about the ones we have to make on our own lives so that when we are ready to start teaching a bit harder truths that might go against the choices of people they know, we are able to fall back on the "everyone makes different choices, you need to worry about what choices YOU make and not what choices David's parents make" concept that we have been teaching for years.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

This is why this topic is difficult. It is much easier for people who support and/or accept 'alternative lifestyles' as equal, whether it be socially or spiritually, to voice opinions precisely because it IS widely socially accepted. Right now some posts sound as though teaching our children that those lifestyles are in conflict with what the Bible teaches makes us bigoted/judgemental/etc.
But the Bible isn't grey about it. It is a hard thing to teach the truths of the Bible in our society because we will end up viewed that way. We should always speak in love, but not at the expense of truth. We shouldn't fear what people think of us so much that we convolute what God has spoken.

Again, I don't see a good way to explain much of this in an age appropriate way for a 3 year old. But parents who do not view this as a grey area will have a tough road ahead with teaching their children something that goes againts popular belief.

Well said. I know I am not going into the specifics with DS at this age, but I know that it will be conversation years down the road. Like I said, this woman is one of my friends, and her son is one of DS's closest. I would not let our differing religious and societal views (and they are not Christian) get in the way of that.

I don't think three is the age to try and go into the scriptural beliefs on it at all. A child is usually asking these questions in passing curiosity. And as such an answer that literally answers the question is probably the best way to go about it-I personally have done the "every family is different" line because it is the most simple truth to the answer. My girls have had classmates with so many different family situations-gay/lesbian, divorced and remarried, divorced and not remarried, grandparent raising them, adopted, etc. Even at their ages now I don't get into the right or wrong about it because they are not able to distinguish accepting people without supporting choices yet. We focus on not worrying about other peoples' choices and only worrying about the ones we have to make on our own lives so that when we are ready to start teaching a bit harder truths that might go against the choices of people they know, we are able to fall back on the "everyone makes different choices, you need to worry about what choices YOU make and not what choices David's parents make" concept that we have been teaching for years.

That is perfect. I worry about saying that everyone does things differently as saying you can do things differently too, things that may go against our religious beliefs. But, adding in that they only need to worry about the choices they make is great! And I know at this age, we won't go into all that. I can now see how a simple response of family's do things differently is being truthful and not necessarily endorsing it.

[Palee]

I don't think three is the age to try and go into the scriptural beliefs on it at all. A child is usually asking these questions in passing curiosity. And as such an answer that literally answers the question is probably the best way to go about it-I personally have done the "every family is different" line because it is the most simple truth to the answer. My girls have had classmates with so many different family situations-gay/lesbian, divorced and remarried, divorced and not remarried, grandparent raising them, adopted, etc. Even at their ages now I don't get into the right or wrong about it because they are not able to distinguish accepting people without supporting choices yet. We focus on not worrying about other peoples' choices and only worrying about the ones we have to make on our own lives so that when we are ready to start teaching a bit harder truths that might go against the choices of people they know, we are able to fall back on the "everyone makes different choices, you need to worry about what choices YOU make and not what choices David's parents make" concept that we have been teaching for years.

Best answer!! Because being Christ-centered doesn't mean the same thing to everyone, and you want to (and should) teach what you believe is right to your children.

[macksmom]

Just out of curiosity, how do you explain parents who are divorced? Wouldn't that also not jive with your beliefs (not trying to be disrespectful, I really don't know). I kind of wonder if it's similar?

[Sakura]

Just out of curiosity, how do you explain parents who are divorced? Wouldn't that also not jive with your beliefs (not trying to be disrespectful, I really don't know). I kind of wonder if it's similar?

My own parents are divorced and I've explained to ds that mu mom and dad did not want to be married any more and that that makes me and Jesus sad because Jesus does not like divorce.

[Palee]

This is why this topic is difficult. It is much easier for people who support and/or accept 'alternative lifestyles' as equal, whether it be socially or spiritually, to voice opinions precisely because it IS widely socially accepted. Right now some posts sound as though teaching our children that those lifestyles are in conflict with what the Bible teaches makes us bigoted/judgemental/etc.
But the Bible isn't grey about it. It is a hard thing to teach the truths of the Bible in our society because we will end up viewed that way. We should always speak in love, but not at the expense of truth. We shouldn't fear what people think of us so much that we convolute what God has spoken.

Again, I don't see a good way to explain much of this in an age appropriate way for a 3 year old. But parents who do not view this as a grey area will have a tough road ahead with teaching their children something that goes againts popular belief.

It depends on how literally you take a God INSPIRED, written-by-sinful-man Holy Bible. We all make mistakes. Our job is to love each other anyway. Being a Christian is about belief in Christ and accepting him as your Lord and Savior...and his teachings, whether you believe in the Bible only, not at all, or in addition to other Holy works, does not define Christianity. The OP clearly says "Christian family," not Neo-Evangelical family, which is what you seem to be extrapolating from the comment (and that may have even been what she meant--but it doesn't say it). And if there is no clear-cut way to handle the situation, I would say it is most definitely a grey area.

I keep thinking about this, and if it is something you want to teach is NOT okay, then IMO opinion you need to disassociate yourself from the family. Children learn from our actions, and if you are accepting, then they will be, too. If you are outwardly accepting and then turning around and telling your DS that it is wrong, he will be confused. If you are not sure, maybe the real thing to do is to re-evaluate your own beliefs on the issue. I don't see a real way to show "accepting" without "condoning" in this situation. Classmates are different because you do not necessarily involve yourself socially with the parents, and in this case, you are good friends with the mom by choice...

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

It depends on how literally you take a God INSPIRED, written-by-sinful-man Holy Bible. We all make mistakes. Our job is to love each other anyway. Being a Christian is about belief in Christ and accepting him as your Lord and Savior...and his teachings, whether you believe in the Bible only, not at all, or in addition to other Holy works, does not define Christianity. The OP clearly says "Christian family," not Neo-Evangelical family, which is what you seem to be extrapolating from the comment (and that may have even been what she meant--but it doesn't say it). And if there is no clear-cut way to handle the situation, I would say it is most definitely a grey area.

I keep thinking about this, and if it is something you want to teach is NOT okay, then IMO opinion you need to disassociate yourself from the family. Children learn from our actions, and if you are accepting, then they will be, too. If you are outwardly accepting and then turning around and telling your DS that it is wrong, he will be confused. If you are not sure, maybe the real thing to do is to re-evaluate your own beliefs on the issue. I don't see a real way to show "accepting" without "condoning" in this situation. Classmates are different because you do not necessarily involve yourself socially with the parents, and in this case, you are good friends with the mom by choice...

You are right. I am friends with her by choice. Jesus' command was that we love one another. I don't just love other Christians who follow the Bible word for word. I try to love everyone. If I only were friends with people who acted accordingly to everything that is in the Bible, I would have no friends and no one in my life. Many of you know the situation that happened with me and DH. He fell prey to sin, but that never stopped me from loving him. We are all sinners. We will disagree what constitutes sin, but regardless, there is no one out there who is sinless, so I choose to love and to be friends with people who make choices that I would not.

I use the Bible to guide my parenting, and my life really. I do plan on teaching my children morals from the Bible, and not just on sexuality and relationships, but everything.

And macksmom, I would treat divorced families the same way (and just a few months ago, we were on our way to being one!!). DS just has not encountered that yet; this was first. I want my children to grow up believing that marriage is between a man and woman and that it is for life.

[KC's wifey]

Just out of curiosity, how do you explain parents who are divorced? Wouldn't that also not jive with your beliefs (not trying to be disrespectful, I really don't know). I kind of wonder if it's similar?

I think Amanda's explanation is a good one for children, that it makes Jesus sad.
As far as biblically, it does allow divorce for some situations.

It depends on how literally you take a God INSPIRED, written-by-sinful-man Holy Bible. We all make mistakes. Our job is to love each other anyway. Being a Christian is about belief in Christ and accepting him as your Lord and Savior...and his teachings, whether you believe in the Bible only, not at all, or in addition to other Holy works, does not define Christianity. The OP clearly says "Christian family," not Neo-Evangelical family, which is what you seem to be extrapolating from the comment (and that may have even been what she meant--but it doesn't say it). And if there is no clear-cut way to handle the situation, I would say it is most definitely a grey area.

I keep thinking about this, and if it is something you want to teach is NOT okay, then IMO opinion you need to disassociate yourself from the family. Children learn from our actions, and if you are accepting, then they will be, too. If you are outwardly accepting and then turning around and telling your DS that it is wrong, he will be confused. If you are not sure, maybe the real thing to do is to re-evaluate your own beliefs on the issue. I don't see a real way to show "accepting" without "condoning" in this situation. Classmates are different because you do not necessarily involve yourself socially with the parents, and in this case, you are good friends with the mom by choice...

I disagree with this entire post. I'm not laughing at you or what you said... I was just thinking about how to respond and its just so polar opposite from the way I believe that its hard to even figure out where to begin.
I do not want this thread to blow up and end up closed and all that. So I think that I will just say "I disagree" and leave it at that.

The only thing I will say is that we can remain friends with people that are not Christian and still not condone what they do. We can be loving and still teach our children that what other people do is not always what God wants us to do. Even without differences of religious belief we will have friends that do things differently than we would, or think should happen. I am constantly teaching my DD that just because her friends' parents allow them to do things in their house does not mean she is allowed to do them. It teaches discernment, not isolation. I don't see this as much different except that I consider what God says as perfect and parenting preferences (including my own) as subjective/fallible. The approach I take with my kids would be similar, though.

[macksmom]

Thanks!

[Palee]

So, really, you just meant "heterosexual Christian family" not "Christian family." Very different! And I would expect lots of people in this room to have widely varied viewpoints and interpretations of scripture. That is why there are so many different congregations and denominations, after all. But all are still Christian. I think most people would agree that it is right to show compassion for people, but if you truly believe someone's lifestyle is against God, I don't see how they could be a real friend. For instance, if she were a prostitute, how would you handle that situation? And that is merely a profession, not whom she gives her body AND heart to. If I knew someone...oh, I dunno....ate puppies for breakfast, I wouldn't be cruel to them; maybe I would let my kids play with their kids; but I wouldn't be close friends with them. By doing so, even if I told my kids that it isn't nice to eat puppies for breakfast, my actions say differently. Maybe eating puppies isn't so bad after all.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

I should explain what I meant by closest "mommy friend". We do not talk about deep things - religion, politics, our different lifestyles etc. We have similar parenting ideas, so we talk about that. When our kids get together, we chat. We don't meet up outside of our kids hanging out, but we will sometimes chat on FB. Obviously, my closest friends do share similar religious views as I do since it is such an important part of my life, but I have friends who are not as close, I call them my "mommy friends" but I could include my neighbors in that too, or friends from high school and they include people who are not Christian, who have lifestyles I do not agree with, like drinking and partying. Like I said, I am not going to teach my children to only associate with people who have the same beliefs as me. If I did, I could not associate with half of my family.

[Palee]

That makes total sense.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

i can't tell if you are being sarcastic or not.

[Sakura]

The only thing I will say is that we can remain friends with people that are not Christian and still not condone what they do. We can be loving and still teach our children that what other people do is not always what God wants us to do. Even without differences of religious belief we will have friends that do things differently than we would, or think should happen. I am constantly teaching my DD that just because her friends' parents allow them to do things in their house does not mean she is allowed to do them. It teaches discernment, not isolation. I don't see this as much different except that I consider what God says as perfect and parenting preferences (including my own) as subjective/fallible. The approach I take with my kids would be similar, though.

Agreed.

[mrsbabyhead]

I should explain what I meant by closest "mommy friend". We do not talk about deep things - religion, politics, our different lifestyles etc. We have similar parenting ideas, so we talk about that. When our kids get together, we chat. We don't meet up outside of our kids hanging out, but we will sometimes chat on FB. Obviously, my closest friends do share similar religious views as I do since it is such an important part of my life, but I have friends who are not as close, I call them my "mommy friends" but I could include my neighbors in that too, or friends from high school and they include people who are not Christian, who have lifestyles I do not agree with, like drinking and partying. Like I said, I am not going to teach my children to only associate with people who have the same beliefs as me. If I did, I could not associate with half of my family.

When I read this, I thought that you're being an excellent Christian by being friendly with someone with whom you disagree. Jesus' example to us says we need to associate with people who have different beliefs. It's one important way we can live the gospel to others.

[Sakura]

When I read this, I thought that you're being an excellent Christian by being friendly with someone with whom you disagree. Jesus' example to us says we need to associate with people who have different beliefs. It's one important way we can live the gospel to others.

So true! Jesus associated with all kinds of people who were different than him, in belief and action. He was perfectly able to communicate love and truth at the same time.

Now if only I could figure out how to do that.... Seriously, though, I am not good at it, so I really have no good advice for you.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

When I read this, I thought that you're being an excellent Christian by being friendly with someone with whom you disagree. Jesus' example to us says we need to associate with people who have different beliefs. It's one important way we can live the gospel to others.

So true. Which is why I do not stay away from others who are different than me. I always think about the people Jesus sought. He did not seek the righteous. Showing God's love to everyone is something I think is very important. I do think Tif's suggestion will help me to teach that to my children while teaching them that they are responsible for the choices they make.