How many times do I have to tell you??

[Smplyme89]

Since L said we need some action in this room I thought I'd start a new thread

I bought new frames on Black Friday and I was showing DH where I wanted them.

I started taking down these Jesus on the cross pictures and a picture of the Last Supper that DH had brought home and put up in my hallway. I had no intention of putting them back up (they don't match!).

DH kept going on and on about don't they 'represent' what our family believes in or something. Once again I had to tell him 'I don't believe in God' and of course he looked me like

We've had this conversation at least 3 times. I have been crystal clear where I stand each and every time. Yet he continues to act shocked I really have no idea how to make it anymore clear to him! Has anybody else dealt with this?? It's like he literally does not hear me or believe me or something. I just don't know.

Anyways, come to find out the pictures were DH's Gpa's that passed away when he was a teenager (of course I didn't know this or we could've saved ourselves 15mins of a repeat convo) so I am finding somewhere else to put them up at.

[AmeriBrit]

It sounds like to me that he maybe doesn't want to believe that you are an atheist. I think the thought of atheism scares people. Even people who aren't Christians in the sense that they go to church every week. Like, a lot of my family call themselves Christians only because they believe there is a god but don't read the bible or go to church or anything. So, he's probably just scared of the idea that you don't believe?

[Smplyme89]

DH is like your family, he believes in God but doesnt' attend church. I remember we had this same conversation when I was pregnant because he wanted us to go to Church as a family.

I guess it must be some form of denial. I just can't understand why it would bother him. To me religion is such a personal decision. I guess maybe he's afraid for my soul I have no idea.

I know when my dad found out, all he did was shake his head and say he'd pray for me At least he recognizes that I don't believe and doesn't act ike he's clueless about it

[MashedUp]

My DH and I are on the same page, but my mom doesn't get it. She was all hurt when I said we weren't baptizing our kids. Just recently, I went to a memorial mass for my grandfather on the 1yr anniversary of his passing. I basically went to support her and my grandmother and yet she still kept trying to get me to go up and take communion. She KNOWS I don't believe but I think she just somehow thinks she can change my mind.

[missychrissy]

I agree that he's probably more afraid to believe that you don't believe so he chooses to not hear it.

[Bridget]

Totally frustrating. I feel ya. Dbf refuses to even have a discussion about his beliefs and he acts all shocked when I tell the kids I think the story of God is just a story.

[demigraf]

From my experience, people who believe have real difficulty comprehending non-belief. Perhaps it's against their own belief system/moral code to even wrap their heads around the concept of religious ambiguity, of the possibility of nothing, or an idea that humans made "divinity" up and the meme went as viral as it did. I imagine some consider it wrong to even turn one's thoughts anywhere near that direction. I remember, for me, when I still believed, I made a semi-conscious effort to block my doubts because they felt sinful to me (back when I believed in sin), so I can see how that state of mind doesn't lend itself to trying to see a non-believer's point of view.

Went to church with my mom for the holiday, and I told her before we went, "you know, B isn't gonna sit still for a second, even in the cry room." And she answered "That's ok, Dad & I already attended Saturday mass, so I can run after him while you stay and [fulfilll my obligaton to be there/get whatever blessings she thinks I get from being there]"... as if I'm there as a believer and not just there to indulge her request that we be there as a family, even though she knows I haven't believed since I was old enough to take Driver's Ed. She still ends every phone call with "God bless". And she and DH did end up running around after B, while I sat on my own in the baby cry room, waiting for the mass to end. So I didn't get to spend any time with my mom - which was the whole reason I agreed to go in the first place.

My BIL, otoh, actually rolls his eyes and makes air quotes with his fingers when touching on the subject of atheism - particularly mine and dh's - like it's just a silly diversion on the level of Angry Birds. It's clear to me that he thinks we do believe in his "God" deep down inside, but are momentarily rebelling against "the Father" like a bratty teenager would against his or her parents. From him we get this patronizing "you'll come to your senses one day" type of an attitude.

So no, I wouldn't say either of them have made any effort to grasp what dh or I mean when we say we don't believe. It's actually kind of interesting for me to imagine the quasi-logical steps they must take to reach the conclusions about us that they do. I'd enjoy thinking about it more if it weren't so irritating and hurtful. I also have to wonder what they must tell themselves about people of other religions. I mean, they've obviously given themselves some sort of explanation about us as non-believers. They must have some interesting (and hopefully not too bigoted) thoughts about people who believe in other religions entirely.

So anyway, I can definitely relate, C! I hope you get to decorate the walls to your satisfaction.

[Ky'sMom]

I agree with Myles above. Especially that people who believe do not comprehend how people cannot believe in God. I had a minor verbal tryst with my aunt recently about this. She told me that she cannot believe that I, who (and she stated this) is such a good person and mother does not believe in God.

She also was worried she may not see me in heaven and she really wants to see me there. I wanted to tell her I don't want to see her there but thought that would have been tacky so I didn't say anything except that we all have our own paths and some believe something others believe something else and some of us believe none of it. She still seemed worried though. I know that she and my mom worry about my soul and what will happen when I die. She even asked me if I was worried. I told her no, because honestly I am not. She asked me what I think will happen when we die. I told her that we will be dead so it doesn't concern me. She even started talking about walking on clouds and pearly gates and sitting with God and talking to Jesus. I told her all of that sounded like a fairy tale to me and none of it is something that I want to do.

But I do understand her point. Both my grandparents, her mother and father, died in their 30s and 40s while she was still a child and she really wants to see them again. I can understand that longing. Her mother died when she was only 9 years old. She wants to see her mom again and her dad and her grandmother who passed away when I was PG with Elle. Her grandmother raised her after her parents died, her dad died when she was 14.

I tried to explain my non-belief to her but I knew she would not understand my point of view. She went on and on for about 20 minutes. It took a lot of strength for me to not get snappy with her (my family and many people IRL consider me snappy, rude, and mean, though people outside my family and those who don't say or do idiotic things have never said as such to me so go figure but anyway...)

My mom is a very devout Christian. Luckily she does not speak to me anymore regarding my non-belief. She does speak of her religion and God's role in her life and I can respect that. She answers the phone by saying "praise the Lord." I don't even hear it anymore. Honestly I like that it distinguishes her from my family members, we all sound alike, but I know if someone says "praise the Lord" that it is her. My older brother tried to trick me once and say it but he tried to make his voice higher pitched and my mom and him sound exactly alike anyway, so he gave himself away LOL.

But I get it too. My aunt has been told by me plenty of times that I am non-religious and I would rather not speak to her about religion because I don't want to cause any ill will between us. She is my only relative in this city and was my favorite aunt when I was a young girl, but I know now that she is very defensive and gets hurt/slighted very easily by words so I do my best not to step on her toes too much when I don't feel it is necessary and for me religious conversations aren't a reason to have a falling out with her.

Erin

[daylilies]

I can't imagine how hard that is to not be on the same page with your husband. Luckily DH and I have similar beliefs (or lack thereof )

[Inca]

At least dbf and I are on the same page.

[MichelleA]

From my experience, people who believe have real difficulty comprehending non-belief. Perhaps it's against their own belief system/moral code to even wrap their heads around the concept of religious ambiguity, of the possibility of nothing, or an idea that humans made "divinity" up and the meme went as viral as it did. I imagine some consider it wrong to even turn one's thoughts anywhere near that direction. I remember, for me, when I still believed, I made a semi-conscious effort to block my doubts because they felt sinful to me (back when I believed in sin), so I can see how that state of mind doesn't lend itself to trying to see a non-believer's point of view.

Went to church with my mom for the holiday, and I told her before we went, "you know, B isn't gonna sit still for a second, even in the cry room." And she answered "That's ok, Dad & I already attended Saturday mass, so I can run after him while you stay and [fulfilll my obligaton to be there/get whatever blessings she thinks I get from being there]"... as if I'm there as a believer and not just there to indulge her request that we be there as a family, even though she knows I haven't believed since I was old enough to take Driver's Ed. She still ends every phone call with "God bless". And she and DH did end up running around after B, while I sat on my own in the baby cry room, waiting for the mass to end. So I didn't get to spend any time with my mom - which was the whole reason I agreed to go in the first place.

My BIL, otoh, actually rolls his eyes and makes air quotes with his fingers when touching on the subject of atheism - particularly mine and dh's - like it's just a silly diversion on the level of Angry Birds. It's clear to me that he thinks we do believe in his "God" deep down inside, but are momentarily rebelling against "the Father" like a bratty teenager would against his or her parents. From him we get this patronizing "you'll come to your senses one day" type of an attitude.

So no, I wouldn't say either of them have made any effort to grasp what dh or I mean when we say we don't believe. It's actually kind of interesting for me to imagine the quasi-logical steps they must take to reach the conclusions about us that they do. I'd enjoy thinking about it more if it weren't so irritating and hurtful. I also have to wonder what they must tell themselves about people of other religions. I mean, they've obviously given themselves some sort of explanation about us as non-believers. They must have some interesting (and hopefully not too bigoted) thoughts about people who believe in other religions entirely.

So anyway, I can definitely relate, C! I hope you get to decorate the walls to your satisfaction.

I think between this and what you said about him being "concerned for your soul" are probably what fuels his denial. He thinks you'll eventually "come around"