The Church is pulling us apart (LDS)

[Thaby]

Every Sunday is the same thing. Every single Sunday I get extremely angry and resentful, sometimes depressed and hopeless.
I have to get ready for church with kids running around me, screaming, crying, going through my stuff (outfit, make up, etc) while DH is in bed not helping a bit!
I get frustrated because I not only have to deal with all that at home but also at church, trying to keep them happy or the very least quiet.
Thankfully we go to the same ward and his parents so they help me with them, but still is hard when both of them are cranky and both wants mommy and start fighting over me in the middle of sacramental meeting.
IDK how to get pass this, DH shows no interest AT ALL to go back. He just got released from his calling as a stake "tech support" and it was just after an incident at the stake conference. He didn't even set it up, he said he couldn't do it because he had to work (he didn't have to work he just didn't wanted to do it). So now he's saying he wasn't good enough for the church and that he was released because of what happened last week at the stake conference. I told him not to think that way, because he didn't even set it up but he's convinced that that's what everybody is going to think. ONE MORE REASON FOR HIM NOT TO GO!
Now he doesn't even need to make up an excuse not to go. He's mad at the ward/stake/church/whatever. And that made me angry at him because I know those leaders and that NOT how it looks. It makes me angry that he's not even trying to make up for not going or trying to join us.
All I know is that every Sunday we grow apart...I get resentful and everything goes to he||.
IDK how to deal with this. I thought that marrying a returned missionary would be a blessing and my family would be going to church and doing everything, but it turned out a fiasco. He has terrible memories about his mission, he hated, and when he talks about it seems like he's gonna have a heart attack. I'm so afraid the kind of message he's going to send to DS.
He doesn't drink, or smoke or do anything against the church doctrine, but we don't read the scriptures together or have prayers or family home evening (he also dislike FHE). He does wear his "Gs" but that's it.
IDK what else to do, his parents won't do anything to help me, his other 2 brothers also are inactive, one of them actually asked to get his records canceled in the church and he drinks and go to orgies and stuff....It's horrible. His mom doesn't know about it tho. She doesn't like to know that any of her sons drink or drank or had pre-marital sex. They don't tell her ANYTHING. Because she ASKED not to know this things.
Anyway, it's messed up. His parents act as "we respect the decision you make" and that for me is a lazy way to parent.
I'm just worried with the future of our marriage. God is supposed to bring a couple closer but now I feel the opposite is happening
He does like that I'm going and working towards renewing my temple recommend (I had mine expired because I was inactive with him from DS's birth to his 2nd birthday).
I'm not perfect, the sundays I don't teach I stay home, but I hated it because I feel it's DH's dragging me down. And it really does. I don't feel like going....ever! And I'm so thankful for my callings that MAKES me go to church.
Is you read this far thank you for "listening"

[hpfan04]

Lots of hugs! Hopefully EvandAl will chip in, she's dealing with an inactive husband too.

It's so hard because our church is so demanding sometimes. My DH and I were really going through a rough period, and same as you said, if it wasn't for our callings, we'd have gone inactive a long time ago. But we recently started reading the Book of Mormon together and praying together, and it has helped immensely. We've grown closer to Heavenly Father and to each other.

The only advice I have is to keep being a good example to your husband. It sounds like he's trying to find any reason not to go right now. But if you keep doing what you're doing, going to church on your own and reading the scriptures and praying on your own, he will hopefully come around. And you for sure will get blessings for doing the things you are supposed to. Hang in there, hon. I know it's hard. I just wouldn't push him much right now or fight with him over it - he might become more resentful if he thinks you're nagging.

Hopefully more ladies can weigh in with their experiences and advice (and not just LDS ladies, but anyone who has had to deal with something similar). Lots more hugs!

[BrandiB]

Thaby I'll admit that my DH and I are in a funk. My DH is also a RM but he LOVED his mission. We moved in Jan and seriously have attended our ward probably 3 times. It doesnt help that he works every other sunday but when I attend I feel as if my ward is very clique. We do not pray together, do not read scriptures together, we have not attended the temple in over a year. We are just in a super bad funk. I think everyone gets there. I know your DH knows what the right thing to do is. I would have a heart to hear with him about it.

My Dh and I know what we need to do but we havent taken those steps to do it. My husbands grandma is coming to visit us the first of Dec and I know she'll want to attend church and I'm not wanting to. We have put in no effort. Just know that he's not alone. We need to get our butts back because its not like we dont believe its just been a spiritual funk. Try and understand where he's coming from and pray for him. Pray for his heart to be softened, put his name on the temple prayer roll. Maybe I should take my own advice haha.

[BrandiB]

Oh and just an FYI there is an LDS mom's thread in this room and we would love for you to join there

[LuTruPeMo]

Second to what Brandi said about the LDS moms thread - some of them may not see this here so you might get it moved and/or copy the thread into that sticky.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I haven't been in your shoes, so I can only imagine, but I am sure it's terribly hard to go without him every week.

I don't think he should worry what people will think about him being released. I mean, I never even know who holds what stake callings until stake conference twice a year, and even then, half the time I don't hear anything.

But it kind of sounds like that's an excuse for him, anyway, since he was making up reasons not to go in the first place.

It is nice that your in-laws are there. Do they help out with trying to get him reactivated? I'm sorry to hear his mission was a negative experience for him. I wonder if he had some issues before his mission, that were never resolved... just a thought.

As for scriptures and FHE - even if he won't take the lead - is he at least willing for you to do those things? If he isn't offended/upset about it, I would suggest you go ahead and take the lead on those things. Choose a time of day when you can read scriptures with your kids. For us, we do it at bedtime - each person reads one verse. We are barely out of Mosiah and we've been working on it for 2.5 years! Slow & steady wins the race... For the ones who are too young to read, we read it to them in a whisper and they say it out loud. Same thing for family prayer. Maybe you can just do those things anyway.

I will say, I've known several women whose husbands were either non members or inactive members, and the good example of their righteous wives is what got them back into the church! One woman was married to nonmember for 50 YEARS! He was polite about the church and would even have the missionaries over to dinner but would never take the discussions. He finally got baptized and they were sealed - they are both in their late 70s now! In another case, the husband was just totally inactive but the wife kept her covenants, attended meetings, etc., and eventually and S-L-O-W-L-Y the husband warmed up to things and came back.

[DucksLikeRain]

The church itself isn't pulling you apart, Thaby. The relationship between yourselves and that you each have with God is what's pulling you apart. Your husband's attitude is his to own and not something that can be blamed on the church, IMO.

It is hard when both in a couple are not on the same plane. It can get better, but it's hard. You have to want to keep being an example to your husband. I know Sundays before church are hard when it's just you getting two kids ready. I've been there, and it's even harder when you don't have the support of your husband in terms of you actually going to church. But your example of perseverance is important. Not just for your husband but for your children. They need to see that you believe in something. That even if Dad isn't going, you are and that you are happy (so hard, I know!) and that you will take them with you so they can go and make that habit. Habits are what we have left when life gets hard. If we don't make those habits when it's "easy" they will be so much more difficult when something happens to rock our spiritual boat.

[Thaby]

Second to what Brandi said about the LDS moms thread - some of them may not see this here so you might get it moved and/or copy the thread into that sticky.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I haven't been in your shoes, so I can only imagine, but I am sure it's terribly hard to go without him every week.

I don't think he should worry what people will think about him being released. I mean, I never even know who holds what stake callings until stake conference twice a year, and even then, half the time I don't hear anything.

But it kind of sounds like that's an excuse for him, anyway, since he was making up reasons not to go in the first place.

It is nice that your in-laws are there. Do they help out with trying to get him reactivated? I'm sorry to hear his mission was a negative experience for him. I wonder if he had some issues before his mission, that were never resolved... just a thought.

As for scriptures and FHE - even if he won't take the lead - is he at least willing for you to do those things? If he isn't offended/upset about it, I would suggest you go ahead and take the lead on those things. Choose a time of day when you can read scriptures with your kids. For us, we do it at bedtime - each person reads one verse. We are barely out of Mosiah and we've been working on it for 2.5 years! Slow & steady wins the race... For the ones who are too young to read, we read it to them in a whisper and they say it out loud. Same thing for family prayer. Maybe you can just do those things anyway.

I will say, I've known several women whose husbands were either non members or inactive members, and the good example of their righteous wives is what got them back into the church! One woman was married to nonmember for 50 YEARS! He was polite about the church and would even have the missionaries over to dinner but would never take the discussions. He finally got baptized and they were sealed - they are both in their late 70s now! In another case, the husband was just totally inactive but the wife kept her covenants, attended meetings, etc., and eventually and S-L-O-W-L-Y the husband warmed up to things and came back.

First bold part: Like I said his parents don't do anything about it. They just "respect his decision" whatever that means. And IDK about before his mission but he did feel pressured to go because all his friends went and his mom bought all the luggage for him (they are very poor) so that tells you something. She's very subtle like that. I think DH complaint to her about me not cooking and she gave me a cook book for my b-day
Anyway...second bold part he won't feel offended at all, he'd actually prefer that I take the lead but if I try to include him, imagine making an angry teenager to the FHE and all that...Yeah! That's how he behaves.


Thank you all for your replies...I'll also copy this to the LDS moms

[EvandAl]

There are times I could have written this post myself BIG

Okay here are my 2 cents.....

Dh and I BOTH went inactive together and were that way for oh 4 years or so. After John was born though I kept feeling the tugging to go back. When he was about 18 months old I made the leap to go. I talked to DH about it and he wasn't interested. I decided that I needed to do this for myself and my children. Now forward to the present (3.5 years later). I am still active and DH is not. We now have 2 boys.
Our kids don't even realize that DH is inactive though because DH works on Sunday. I will say though that at times when I am pushy with DH he pulls back further. We do read our scriptures together, not every night but still it counts to me. We don't tend to pray as a family but I do pray with the boys each night.
I KNOW that I cannot make my Husband want to go to church. He has to find that desire to go. And while there are days/weeks/months that this makes me just want to scream, cry and be mad at Heavenly Father for how we've ended up I know deep down that it's okay.
I will say that we have had SOME progress. This year DH did actually come to church with us when he had vacation, but I honestly think it was more for the boys than himself.
We have had frank discussions about the church and I know that he still has a belief in the gospel, but he's just not ready to live it.
We do now have FHE and DH is present, but I plan it and do everything for it. DH will say the prayer with John asks for him too but other than that he mostly hangs out, but I am fine with that.

I feel like I've written a book, but I think you need to take a step back. The Gospel is a major part of your life but your marriage is important as well. Don't allow his current lack of faith come between you. Pray for guidance, for strength for understanding. Read your scriptures and do FHE. Don't go into them wishing DH was helping or there. Go into them thinking about how you can strengthen your childrens faith and help THEM build testimonys. You will be amazed at the examples your children will be to your husband as they grow in the gospel.


I'm sorry if this is a total ramble, I'm tired and trying to think of honest help.

I am here if you need anything! Remember that you are not alone.

[proudmommaof5]

I'm not LDS but struggled with DH not wanting to go to church. At first, I nagged him about joining me and the kids, then I guilted him (what kind of example is this for the kids), then I ignored him and took the kids while he laid in bed...I didn't invite him. Somewhere along the way, he started coming with us and now goes without being asked....it's just assumed we go as a family. He's even started going to WEN (Wednesday Evening Nourishment), with us, (dinner, bible study)! Hang in there and keep going for you and your kids