Respecting your husband

[PreggoinWV]

The bible tells us that as wives we are to respect our husbands. What do you do if you just don't view your husband as really worthy of respect? I wish I respected my husband but I just don't. We have been married for 11 years. He is a good man. He is a good father. However he has got to be the worst provider in the history of the world. I am not going to go deep into it but suffice it to say that we live well below the poverty line because he just has to be self-employed. He is not the kind of person that is cut out for that. Ever since we got married he has had very inconsistent employment. If he gets a job making a good wage he gets fired. He just withdrew from school because he can't handle his piddly self employment and school too. I don't get that as I handle all household duties, parenting and grad school. So here he is almost 40, and has no real clue what he wants to be. I am sick and fed up with it and consequently I have no respect for him.
I would love nothing more than to be able to rely on him to bring home the bacon, and me stay at home and continue homeschooling. But no I realized a few years ago that if I ever want us to have anything, be off of public assistance, then I was going to have to go back to school and then off to work.
I'm resentful and I just can't respect him. Help! I feel like I'm being disobedient in this area, but I just can't force myself to feel and act like I respect him when I don't.

[KC's wifey]

That is a really hard thing. I've been there, and I really struggled.

I'm getting ready for church right now, so I will come back with my full reply, but in the mean time, have you read the book Love & Respect? It sounds like it would be really beneficial for you. It explains the answers to your questions.

[KC's wifey]

Ok, back. I hope some other girls will chime in, as I know several have dealt with this also and have good advice to offer.

Did you know that the Bible never commands a husband to respect his wife? And that it never commands a woman to agape love her husband? This is not because woman don't need respect, and men don't need love. I believe (and this is all covered in Love & Respect) that our natural design is that women give and crave love more than respect, and men give and crave respect more than love. As women, we easily show love to our husbands. It comes naturally. It is not as easy for us to show respect to them. Therefore, our respective commands are given because it is what we need to be told, due to our differing natures.

So it is not easy to show our husbands respect. We have to work harder at it. And yet, we are commanded to. The Bible never ever says or implies that respect is earned. I know that is counter cultural. But, it is the same as love. We should not have to earn our husbands love by being good enough for it. If we fail in something, our husbands should not then withdraw their love and affection and tell us we are not worthy of being loved. That is readily accepted as true, but when we apply it to respect, there tends to be resistance.

When our husbands act unloving to us, it wounds us deeply. And when we are disrespectful to our husbands, it wounds them just as sharply.

So, I think you are right in that respect is an area of obedience. It is not simply a feeling, it is a choice. Just like love is a choice. We respect through our actions and our words. If we don't feel it, we are commanded to behave respectfully anyway, because by respecting our husbands we are obeying God.

I believe, and have experienced, that the more I show my DH respect, the more I feel respectful toward him. But that only happens when I am doing it with a pure heart for God, otherwise it can cause resentful feelings. I also believe that often, when we show respect to our husbands, even when they don't deserve it, that they become encouraged by it and start stepping up. Again, our motive should not be to change them, and it may not turn out that way... but I do think there is something powerful about obeying the command to respect our husbands that can heal an otherwise suffering marriage, just as a husband who shows unconditional love and affection to his wife has powerful healing.

It might be good to start an open and honest discussion with your DH and ask him what makes him feel respected, and what makes him feel disrespected.

And again, the book Love & Respect is a great resource for this issue.
Here are a couple links that go more in depth and offer some great counsel and encouragement.
Men and Women need love and respect equally
What Your Husband Needs

[KC's wifey]

By the way, I do not think being respectful means being a doormat. There are respectful ways to bring up issues in a marriage. God created us as intelligent beings and we were paired with our husbands to be his helpmeet. If we never speak our mind and never use our intelligence or wisdom or talents, then we are of no help to our husband at all. The key is just to learn how to approach it respectfully.

[PreggoinWV]

Thank you so much for your replies KC's Wifey. As soon as I can I will order Love and Respect. I looked it up on Amazon and it isn't much. It sounds like it would be a very helpful book for me.

I was thinking of bringing this issue up when DH and I have therapy next week. We have a wonderful Christian therapist and I think she will be able to help with this and maybe she can help DH to see that he isn't living up to his role as provider for the family.

I mean it is at the point that I am looking for some sort of work at home opportunity. How am I supposed to do that on top of everything else? He just acts like he doesn't even care about this issue and therefore it is just hard to respect him.

[JJorn]

Polly gave you a lot of great biblical advice. I also know that a man will step up when he feels respected. Without respect, he feels really unable to do anything. So, I would also encourage you to respect your husband as unto the Lord - not because your husband deserves the respect but because the Lord says that he requires it to be the man he has been called to be. I would also suggest that you have a good conversation with your husband and ask him what you have done that makes him feel disrespected and then apologize for that. Then ask what you can do to make him feel respected. And moment by moment, show him respect. When you fail, apologize and move on.

We are doing a wonderful series at church right now called "Lord Change Me." I'm am so hopeful again that change is possible - and I'm seeing it again.

[JJorn]

I just wanted to add that I do think that I would also have a hard time respecting my DH in your situation. Is he also failing to be the spiritual leader?

For a long time I was the main income provider but my DH was in graduate school. He did say that it was tough on him to not be the main provider - it made him feel like he was failing. I would think that your DH thinks that he is failing and he just avoids the issue to avoid the sense of failure. I do hope that things turn around for you soon.