Grandbabies and In-Laws

[JJorn]

I have wonderful in-laws that love my kids very much. There is just a few problems whenever we go to visit and I don't know what to do.

First, even if I remind them politely my kids are never home at nap time or put to bed at bed time. This weekend we were all using the same car so all I could do was encourage us to leave/get going and it always fell on deaf ears. My DH was not with us for this visit. So, we have plenty of over tired melt downs when we visit. I do understand that they want to spend time with the kids....but a two year old and a ten month old need to nap and go to bed at a reasonable time.

The other thing is that they give my kids lots of things to eat that I have expressly asked that they not give them. Not only could they have a preservative in them to which they might be allergic (since I am allergic) but no two year old needs to eat five breakfast sausages, two adult size portions of desert, as many of anything that they ask for, pink lemonade when they only drink water (and only wanted water) or be given choking hazards. An infant doesn't need to eat everything off your plate (and fork/spoon/have their food licked before being placed in their mouth), be given numerous brand new foods just in one meal, be given choking hazards and cookies. If I say anything, they simply give it to them when I am not looking. Since we also don't eat this way normally my kids either get very constipated or have diarrhea with horrible diaper rashes (sensitive skin kids over here) after all this nonsense. If they do see any aftermath, they never put two and two together.

My DH says that they didn't feed him this way so this is something that they are just doing with the grand kids (mine are the only ones right now).

So, what can I do? Do I send them a nice e-mail explaining why I make certain requests about food and sleeping - and include the disaster that I have when I get home? My DH has talked to them about this and it hasn't seemed to help. Do I just have my DH really talk to them about this again?

I am practically in tears over here. My DH just got back in town and he's talking about severely limiting their interactions...that would be very devastating to them and my two year old wants to see them all the time.

[KC's wifey]

Do they know that this is important enough that it could result in limiting their time with their grandkids? They may not think it is as important to you as it is. (Although they should still be respecting your authority, even if it was something "smaller")
I would let your DH handle it, but I would ask him to give them warning about limiting their time before I actually did it. Maybe they need to hear that specifically.

I'm sorry. How frustrating and hurtful.

[Sakura]

I agree with Polly.

That must be so frustrating.

[JJorn]

Thanks ladies. I really want to cry about it when I think about it. I will ask DH to talk with them again and let them know that those types of things are also his requests. He also wants me to pull him aside when those things happen with them since he misses most of it.

[KC's wifey]

[caligirl07]

yeah I'd have your dh chat about it with them... That's tough I'd be frustrated too...

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

I agree that your H should talk to them and to be honest that you feel like you need to limit interactions because they do not respect your wishes. I hope it goes smoothly.

[momofone]

I'm sorry you are going through this. That is a hard decision since your dh has already talked to them and they still don't respect your wishes. If you feel comfortable enough with writing them a letter I say go for it. I wouldn't threaten with taking away time, but I would really lay it on thick how all of the crap they feed them really upsets their tummys and how they get horrible rashes on their butts from that food. Tell them while you understand they are just trying to be loving grandparents that you would appreciate it if they would honor your request and not feed them food they don't normally get. Make sure you tell them how great they are as grandparents so they don't feel like you are attacking them. That is the approach I would maybe take if I didn't feel comfy telling them the instant it happens. Good luck!

[Tsuuriki]

I'm sorry you are going through this. That is a hard decision since your dh has already talked to them and they still don't respect your wishes. If you feel comfortable enough with writing them a letter I say go for it. I wouldn't threaten with taking away time, but I would really lay it on thick how all of the crap they feed them really upsets their tummys and how they get horrible rashes on their butts from that food. Tell them while you understand they are just trying to be loving grandparents that you would appreciate it if they would honor your request and not feed them food they don't normally get. Make sure you tell them how great they are as grandparents so they don't feel like you are attacking them. That is the approach I would maybe take if I didn't feel comfy telling them the instant it happens. Good luck!

I agree. I don't think it would help anything to limit interactions (it may even hurt things between you and the in-laws). But you, the PARENTS, have every right to set reasonable ground rules (and yours are definitely reasonable!) that they MUST abide by if they want to stay on terms good enough that you feel comfortable having your children visit them, supervised or not.

[JJorn]

I do think that I will draft them a letter and see what my DH thinks about it. I do love them and I know that they love us all so I so want this multilevel issue to be resolved in a very loving manner. I know that they probably see the food and nap stuff as things that cause no harm but even if they didn't cause harm they need to respect my authority as the mom. A "no" from me doesn't mean that I am mean (which they have told Madelyn right in front of me) or that they just need to give them the food on the sly or around the corner. Since mom does this, my two SILs also do it. I do think that if my MIL stopped my SILs would as well.

I really am not a food or nap nazi...I just know my kids and what they can handle.

[Tsuuriki]

I really am not a food or nap nazi...I just know my kids and what they can handle.

I agree. And your MIL shouldn't be undermining your authority. You might also bring up the point that doing this is affecting your relationship with your children. If she does it, they'll be trained to think it's alright to go behind your back to do whatever they want. That's not acceptable in any respect. She shouldn't be acting against your instinct or wishes. and good luck!

[PreggoinWV]

I am so sorry you are going through this! I know how tough this is. My mother had the same problem with me and her parents. She has told me a lot about it. Eventually she did have to threaten them that they would no longer see me if it didn't stop. That sort of worked .
I will say however that growing up I often tried to pit them against one another and knew that if I really wanted something my grandparents would get it for me even if mom said no. Not good!
Hopefully you and your DH can get your inlaws to see the light on this issue.

[JJorn]

I talked with my mom about this and she really thinks that I shouldn't write a letter or do more than I am already. She really thinks that my DH should be the one to push it further and since he is willing to do that, I'm just going to pray about the situation and trust God to be at work.