Lisa I am so sorry to read this!
I almost found this bittersweet, because you've hit on a pretty fundamental question, why does God allow pain and suffering, and then, why does it have to be me?Originally Posted by i.<3.cheesysmiles
I wish I knew, you do, we all do. We can know the logical standard Christian answer to that question, God uses all things for good, but it's hard to swallow when you're in the middle of it, to believe it in your heart - but then when you get to the point when you believe it, it doesn't always help the pain. I used to think God would never give us something we couldn't handle, but then I started to think He does give us things we can't handle, so we have to lean on Him. It would be nice to know the extent that it would have to be endured, and what the outcome will be. Are we going to have a fairytale "fireproof" ending, or are we on sinking ships, futily trying to combat the obvious flood with a spoon? Life isn't as clear cut as these two paths, most of us end somewhere in-between.
I wish I had bible verses to share with you, but running through my head right now are two songs.
"And oh, I'm running to your arms. I'm running to your arms. The riches of your love, can never be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world, forever reign"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au3EGgISYMc&ob=av2e
"Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings You glory. Because I know there'll be days when this life will bring me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU
Last edited by Consensus; 10-20-2011 at 01:42 AM.
If He takes care of the birds in the sky, and dresses the flowers with beauty, how much more will He care for you?
God will be faithful to you!
I'm so sorry you are going through this, Lisa.
In regard to your statement that you aren't sure that God wants you and your sons to struggle through this pain, I don't believe that God does.
If you need to let go of your husband to take care of yourself and your boys, that doesnt make you less of a Christian.
Your husband has left you. In my mind, the decision you need to make is not whether to end your marriage, but whether to let go and accept that your husband has ended the marriage. He has told you over and over again that he doesn't want to be in this marriage. He hasn't physically walked out of the house but he is not honoring his marriage vows and he is cheating on you. An emotional affair is an affair. Based on other posts by you, this is taking a toll on your psychological health and I think if you want to let go, you have a right to, even in the eyes of God. You can love him unconditionally as a Christian from afar while you move on with your life and take care of your boys.
That's just my opinion but I wanted to share it with you. Of course, I hope you choose to do what you feel is best for you and your boys.
Last edited by Kylix; 10-20-2011 at 05:01 PM. Reason: Spelling mistakes
I completely agree with this. The Bible is clear that adultery is an acceptable reason for divorce - and I agree with Kylix that you are not the one who has left the marriage. You have been working very hard for a very long time to save your marriage, and you are a wonderful example of the love of a Christian wife.
Me (38) DH (45) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12
Thank you. I never thought of it like that. That perhaps he has left me already and is not coming back. Wow. Gives me something to think and pray about for sure tonight.
Lisa, I don't think getting a sound advice from a message board is best bc we don't KNOW you or your dh. When me and my dh have had problems I always find people that love us, love our marriage and family. I don't want advice from people who feel like divorce is an option. Ever.
Now, with that said, i'd separate from my dh for treating me like this. It's one thing for your dh to mess up, BE sorry and try ti make it better. He isn't. At all. I'm not saying I would divorce. I hate divorce. I'm a child of divorce and wish more than anything that my dad woukd have fought. But maybe separating would be a wake up call that you aren't a door mat. That he needs to love you.
My two cents. I would still find someone who can give you a hug, share your burden and someone who loves you and who loves your dh,
(((hugs to you)))
And yes, God does want you happy- not in a superficial "I've got everything I want so who cares about anyone else" kind of way, but a genuine happiness where you're surrounded with people that respect you, where you respect yourself, your needs, and your boundaries, and where you're pursuing things that are fulfilling for you.
thanks. of course there is no way i would decide on separation/divorce based on a message board. I do appreciate different perspectives, and it gives me new ways of looking at things. The only ones we have in our lives who love both of us are my mom and his mom and brother. It's hard to get sound advice from them since my mom obviously loves me more and his family loves him more, you know? I have reached out to an elder, who is more important and I hope that we can meet up with him when I return from a trip. DH has met with him on his own and likes him, and he said he is willing to meet with him too. The advice I get from his mom is to stay, that in the past he was met with criticism or crying/emotions when he came to me with something I didn;t like or "approve" of So, he began hiding things from me. But the more he hides things from me (and he even hides very innocent things from me like stopping by his parents recently and taking a nap between appointments because he was exhasuted and he thought I would not approve if I found out), the more I think he is hiding something he should not be doing, then when I find he is hiding things, the worse my reaction to fidning things out is. it is a never-ending cycle. I was critical when he came to me with stuff -he stopped telling me things - he did something that really broke my trust - he still hides things from me since he does not think he can come to me and that I will be accepting - i find things and think he is hiding things which makes me angry and does nothing to prove that I will be open. ugh. that is the kind of advice i get from mil. My mom's advice - once a liar, always a liar - don't believe what he says.
my bil is a little more objective, but he still is unwilling to tell DH what I think he needs to hear. I am hoping the elder will be able to help facilitate some discussions, give some biblically based advice to us both as right now I am the only one seeking advice from the Bible, and give us some compassion.
I do appreciate your telling me about how you hate divorce. I have had many people who do not have personal experience with divorce tell me that children of divorce are just the same. I don't believe that is always the case. Part of the reason I work so hard is because I wan my children to see a happy, healthy marriage between their parents.
Oh, and we talked last night with BIL facilitating. Our communication is so bad that we kind of need a third party right now. IT felt like DH had a blank stare and I took this to mean that he had no hope or energy. I talked to MIL and BIL and they both said that DH was so hopeful after talking to him and so ready to try. I asked MIL why didn;t he tell me this, and she said "did you ask?" and no, i did not. we did say "yeah, talking with him was fine", but that was it. Our communication is so bad!! So, it seems DH has a renewed sense of wanting to work on things after talking with BIL last night. I will really try to ask DH about it again.
I hope that your DH is hopeful again and willing to work.
I am also a child of divorce and can say that I was certainly different from the other kids and our family was even treated differently in the church - it was like they never knew what to do with us. But really, what is a normal child? There are all types of wounds that happen in childhood. We do our best to keep those wounds from our kids but something bad will happen in some way no matter what we do. I also hate divorce; God also says that he hates divorce. So, I always encourage people to do all they can to not get divorced but there are instances when divorce is better than staying married.
The Bible never talks about happiness. We are promised joy, though, which is not happiness. Happiness is fleeting while joy is something deep down in your soul. My pastor did a series called “I Choose Joy.” I should look that up since I could certainly use some joy right now, too.
Jessica (32) and Ryan (31). Madelyn born August 5, 2009 and Malachi born December 23, 2010. Lost a loved baby 02/29/12, 05/14/12 and 07/05/12 all due a serious allergic reaction to fabric softener.
I was actually going to ask where in the bible it says God wants us "happy"? I agree with the pp.
I'm glad your dh seemed hopeful. Maybe the third party will work for a while. I really wish you two together could attend a love and respect conference. It sounds like he isn't feeling respected and is shutting down, and you aren't feeling loved. If you can attend it, the conference is great- not the book but the conference.
One reason to be careful (IMO) on a board too is that some of the posters may not share your biblical views and therefore, their advice is coming from their own feelings and not from the bible's views...if that majes sense?
Also, the reason I hate divorce is bc it has altered my life, my views on marriage and relationships, I missed out on having a father figured in my every day life. I saw my dad a lot growing up but not every day. So, no I'm not a total screw up bc of divorce but deep down I look back and can see how it changed my path. But in some cases it's also unavoidable.
I pray some day that you and your dh can be thankful for this road bc it strengthen you two in hChrist and marriage. Hugs
Last edited by hanvan2; 10-21-2011 at 03:46 PM.
http://loveandrespect.com/events/
Here are the dates/locations ...not sure where you're located.
Give yourself time to heal, and take a step back and focus on communication.
To be honest, I have spent a fair amount of time not loving my husband in the emotional sense. I just felt too disconnected with all the hurt that had gone on for so long, and the feelings were just not there and hadn't been there in a long time. It hit me the day before we left for a weekend marriage conference. It bothered me that I didn't love him, but decided also that love is more than a feeling, it is action. When I wrote earlier that a few weeks ago he swore using the Lord's name in vain, I found my reaction to be that my heart ached for him, and in that ache I found a tiny blossom that just maybe, love is being rekindled, in a much deeper sense than it was when we were dating, engaged, and first married.
He does not know that I have felt this way, and I don't ever expect to tell him because of the pain that it would cause. I think with your circumstances things are different in that things are set up where those questions are being asked, but honestly I think the marriage can be worked on with the focus being "how can I love my spouse today despite how I feel?" vs. "how do I let my emotions dictate how I'm going to treat my spouse?"
Sometimes hard times in marriages do call for separation, and I spent a fair amount of time researching structured separation and praying about it. And I was 100% prepared to leave, and it felt so, so good when confronted with a separation, and DH angrily demanded of me "Who have you been talking to?" my only honest response was "God". And I'm reminded now of a bible verse that I wrote on a sticky note and taped to my bathroom mirror "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood..." I needed this reminder for a long time that in our struggles the enemy was not my husband, there is a higher battle taking place, and God can be and will be our armour, warrier, and protector to battle the evil in our lives. The battle may not be how we thought it would play out, and the outcome may not be how we anticipated, but it doesn't mean that God wasn't and isn't fighting for us when we call upon Him.
I am praying for you both.
I have to say, I agree
LisaDD 16, DS 12, DS 9, DD 5, DD 2, and...
thanks everyone. DH and I had a very stressful evening last night due to his job situation, but overall, we had some good communication, and I was able to have him tell me stuff without getting too emotional or critical, and instead, tried to sympathize with what he is dealing with at work.
I will look into the love and respect conferences.
You are right that the trouble with internet boards is that others may not share the same biblical views as I do, but I do like getting viewpoints from different people, and I like seeing things from different angles, though I know that ultimately, all these important decisions are something that need to be made with lots of prayer.
It's true that the Bible does not talk about "happiness" but it does talk about joy. I started to listen to a sermon just last night that talked about having joy even through difficult situations (it was a sermon done on 9/11 and shortly after katrina) so different situations, but still relevant.
Oh Lisa I am so sorry to hear about all of this. How awful!
I think you would be perfectly within your right to separate from your H and in your situation I am pretty confident that is what I would do. Although one never really knows until one is in such a situation. I really feel for you!
Your H sounds like a very immature Christian if he in fact is really a Christian at all. His actions are not the actions of a Christian. From your posts I would even venture so far as to say that the two of you are unevenly yoked.
2 Corinthians 6:14: "Do not be unevenly yoked with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and lawlessness have in common? What fellowship has light with darkness?"
I am so sorry you are suffering so.
I don`t intend for this to be a hijacking, but I think it`s important to address this. Correct me if I`m wrong, because I don`t want to put words in your mouth, but you seem to imply that application of that bible verse should yield a separation between these two married people on the grounds of not being of the same faith. While this may apply to a couple that is considering marriage, I don`t believe it should be applied to an already married pair. Doing so would be seriously taking this verse out of context. Nowhere else in the bible does it apply this principle to marriage; on the contrary, it does talk about women bringing their husbands to faith through godly behavior, and men being the spiritual leaders of the household, loving their wives as Christ loved the church. One spouse not living up to their end of the deal does not give the other an `out` of their end. I wrestled with responding to this, but I considered what would happen if this were an IRL group of Christian women, and I know among the women I know, a gentle correction would take place. Please don`t take offense, it is through discussion that we grow to know biblical truths more clearly. If you have further thoughts on this I think a new thread would be appropriate, and I am more than willing to continue on a conversation on the topic.Oh Lisa I am so sorry to hear about all of this. How awful!
Thinking of you today Lisa.
Also, I receive daily emails and devotions from Revive our Hearts, and they started a new series called "A mighty fortress is our God (Psalm 46)". I was browsing through the second program today and saw this:
"Psalm 46:1: “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Now what are the two givens in life? You see them set out for us in this verse. The first one is God, the second one is trouble. God and trouble—you can’t get away from them. They are both ever present."
I almost laughed loud. Isn't it the truth?
Here is a link to the first program, "When your world is in a tailspin"
I hope this can be an encouragement for you, and pray for you more than anything that you feel God's presence and comfort during this time.
thanks so much! I actually almost laughed out loud too with that! It's amazing that during times of trouble is when I find myself seeking God more than ever. When things seem to be going well, I always thank God for everything, but it's not as close a relationship.
That definitely encourages me. I will look into that program. We do not have klove. I am assuming it is a radio station. We do not have a Christian radio station where I live, nor do we have one here at my parents wher I am staying for a week. I am not sure if there are any the whole route from my home to my parents - I always search for one.
The good news is that DH is looking for a new job. I won't get into a lot of details, but his job puts a lot of stress on him. His boss constantly threatens to fire him, even though DH is one of the hardest working people I know, and he has been loyal and devoted to his company for 11 years. We are seriously looking for a new job for him, and we are including opportunities closer to my parents. I am praying that we will seek God's Will during this search. I know my ILs will do everything in their power to prevent us from moving anywhere, but I am hopeful that DH is willing to apply anywhere, and I pray that the right job and right location will come to us - that God will put our family exactly where He wants us to be - if that is here in Ma with my family, then I pray the ILs will let us move without too much trouble, and if it is in PA, that I am in peace with that.
Senior Member
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Praying God leads you guys to the right Job for your dh Lisa! Also you can listen to KLOVE at home via internet if you want.
Katie~
Still praying! It would be wonderful if your DH could have less stress at work and be around you all more often. Family fun times are very healing.
Jessica (32) and Ryan (31). Madelyn born August 5, 2009 and Malachi born December 23, 2010. Lost a loved baby 02/29/12, 05/14/12 and 07/05/12 all due a serious allergic reaction to fabric softener.
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