so lost

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

Ladies, I know I have not posted in here too much lately, but I dont know where to turn. I know most of you know the background with me and DH. DH has told me that he still has no feelings towards me. I found a receipt with suspicious charges. He is not cheating, but rather going out with the boys and looking at other women. We were in counseling, but DH has put in a half-hearted effort with the suggestions she tells us to do. He told me he stopped praying. My prayer lately has been for good to show me what to do, and today, the credit card bill came, and I saw that. I am so lost on what to do. I don't know who to talk to other than God. My pastor and his wife who were great confidantes moved to a new church. We don't have anyone from church to talk to. Any prayers would help. Any thoughts, too.

[Sakura]

Oh, Lisa, I'm so sorry.

[KC's wifey]

That IS cheating in my book. I am so sorry. Praying for you.

Didn't you guys set up sort of a time line for trying? I may not be remembering correctly.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

yes, we did. about 6 months ago, DH promised me and his brother who we were talking to that he would not enter into another relationship with another woman for the next 6 months. He told me he does look at other women with interest. I dont know how much more I can fight for this. I don't know what God wants me to do. Every time there is something suspicious, God leads me to it - it is done without my snooping. I just don't know what to think or what to do. I just want my husband back.

[JJorn]

Would your BIL be any help? If I remember correctly he is the one that encouraged your DH to try for a year. I think that time is coming up, right? All that you can really do is pray and we can do the same for you. The Lord is totally in control and he has you both right where you need to be. I know that doesn’t make in easy.

[KC's wifey]

Is your DH a believer? What does he say about his belief in Christ?

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

Would your BIL be any help? If I remember correctly he is the one that encouraged your DH to try for a year. I think that time is coming up, right? All that you can really do is pray and we can do the same for you. The Lord is totally in control and he has you both right where you need to be. I know that doesn’t make in easy.

It was a little over a year ago when DH told me that he did not want to be married to me anymore. My BIL can help us out. DH actually asked if all 3 of us could talk, and I said no since we were getting so much info from different people. I asked DH if we could again, and he is willing.

Thank you for reminding me that God is in control. That brought tears when i first read it, and then calm. It doesnt make it easy as I have had a very difficult year, but it gives me hope that my sons and I, at least, will be ok. I worry about DH as his faith is not as strong, and he falls so easily to temptation.

Is your DH a believer? What does he say about his belief in Christ?

He is a beginning believer, if that makes sense. He believes in Christ, and that he died for our sins, but does not have a very firm belief on what that really means. He does not do a lot of things like listen to sermons, read the Bible, read devotionals, etc. I have convinced him to start reading a couples devotional with me again. I did remind him that as a Christian, he is commanded to love his wife, and that we each made commitments to each other and God.

[twinmom34]

Lisa, I have no advice, my marriage is in shambles as we speak but I did want to tell you I think of you often! Keep up your strength! You amaze me with your committment to trying!

[AnnaC]

[KC's wifey]

I don't know. *sigh* I don't know what I would do in your shoes. He is straddling the fence, both in his commitment to God and to you.

The only advice I feel comfortable giving you is to focus on doing what YOU can stand before God unashamed of and leave your DH to God. That is all you can do. God will take care of you, you can rest in Him.

I wish I could give you more black and white advice, but right now, given the circumstances I don't feel comfortable giving any other advice as far as staying or going. But in whatever you do, make sure God's Word supports it, which I know you have been focusing on already. I'm so sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this.

[Lindsay1]

Has he seen the movie Fireproof? There is a Fireproof couples Bible study that we are doing in Sunday School now, and I think it would be relevant.

[proudmommaof5]

I'm so sorry you're still struggling To be completely honest, I think you have perservered longer than I could have, given the circumstances. Praying for you, Lisa

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

I don't know. *sigh* I don't know what I would do in your shoes. He is straddling the fence, both in his commitment to God and to you.

The only advice I feel comfortable giving you is to focus on doing what YOU can stand before God unashamed of and leave your DH to God. That is all you can do. God will take care of you, you can rest in Him.

I wish I could give you more black and white advice, but right now, given the circumstances I don't feel comfortable giving any other advice as far as staying or going. But in whatever you do, make sure God's Word supports it, which I know you have been focusing on already. I'm so sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this.

thank you. It is just so hard. you are right. he is straddling the fence with his commitment to me and God. YOu described it perfectly.

thank you for the reminder that I need to do what God wants me to do. I needed to hear that. Before all this, I was reading something about how we all receive undeserved love from God, and because of that, we can love our spouses even when they do not deserve it. I was thinking about that just this week.

It is so hard because everyone in my life is saying leave, but they are also not believers.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

Has he seen the movie Fireproof? There is a Fireproof couples Bible study that we are doing in Sunday School now, and I think it would be relevant.

We have seen it together. I have been doing the love dare off and on. He had no reaction to the movie.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

It is just so hard. DH is pleasant to be around. He is a nice person. We get along, and I felt like his feelings toward me were changing with the little changes I have been seeing, but he said they are the same, and it's the same thing he has struggled with for the past year. So hard to think about what to do when I have no sleep, two boys to care for, and no people IRL who I can talk to.

[KC's wifey]

Is there any way for you to start building friendships IRL? It is so important to have a good group of believers around you to encourage and support. We are not meant to go through this life alone, but to share each other's burdens and joys, and minister to each other and fellowship. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, it would still be really beneficial.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

Thanks Polly. Part of it is that I am very shy and have trouble making friends. We have been going to the same church for 1.5 years but have not really befriended anyone too well. We also have not gone to church in weeks since we have been out of town, or traveling, or DS2 is sleeping. I may end up back in my hometown where I do have friends and a bigger support system.

[Kylix]

It is so hard because everyone in my life is saying leave, but they are also not believers.

Are you waiting for a believer to tell you it's ok to leave?

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

Are you waiting for a believer to tell you it's ok to leave?

maybe? but part of it is that they are not seeing things from the same perspective as a believer might, you know?

[Kylix]

I understand. I asked only because I'm wondering if you know what you want to do but you're scared.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

thanks. no i really just don't know what to do. Fortunately, I made an appointmenet with my counselor if I can get chidcare this afternoon. She is a Christian, and can understand things like loving when we don't deserve it. you know?

[JJorn]

I also wish that I had great words of wisdom for you. I am glad that you will be able to see you counselor (hopefully). I do wish that your church was more help to you in this situation. Since your DH seems to be unwilling to repent at this time, that makes it very difficult for your relationship to be healed even if you are working very hard toward that end. But no matter what he chooses once these six months are up the Lord will be with you and will continue to pursue you both. It may take more than we would want to restore your DH to the Lord and to you.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

I also wish that I had great words of wisdom for you. I am glad that you will be able to see you counselor (hopefully). I do wish that your church was more help to you in this situation. Since your DH seems to be unwilling to repent at this time, that makes it very difficult for your relationship to be healed even if you are working very hard toward that end. But no matter what he chooses once these six months are up the Lord will be with you and will continue to pursue you both. It may take more than we would want to restore your DH to the Lord and to you.

thanks so much. As my church is going through a transition with finding a new pastor but I did email an elder asking if there was someone I could talk to.

I sometimes wonder what it would take for DH to realize that this is his family, and that I am his wife, and that if he chooses to leave, he will regret it. He is searching for the perfect match, and there isn;t one because everyone is flawed. and all the things that bother him about me might be missing in the next, but she will have other faults too. That is why we love our spouses unconditionally - we love them with their faults. I do need to keep reminding myself that God is in control. I have asked Him to give me direction and to give me strength and to pierce DH's heart. I am reading the Love Dare, and last night was the one about praying for our spouse. I am praying for a breakthrough in our marriage. That is what we need. Something drastic even.

[momofone]

I really wish I had some wonderful words of advice, but I don't. Like another poster said, I think you have lasted longer than I ever would have. Just know, no matter what happens none of this is your fault. Your dh has some issues that he hasn't handled very well, but in turn he hurt you and made you feel horrible. It truly saddens me that you have to go through this. God will take care of you. One thing that concerns me is that you are looking for this huge sign/answer from God and I don't know if it will ever come like that. I will not say never, but most of the times when God has been evident in my life I don't realize it until after the fact and kinda have one of those duh moments. I am not sure what God has in store for you, but I do know one thing...God would want you to be happy and if that means you staying with your dh and continuing to fight for your marriage like you have been so be it or if that means you surrender and move on he will accept that as well. You are truly a definition of a fighter and your dh is blessed to have you...he just needs to wake up and realize it! Lots of love, hugs and prayers!!!!

[sara1215]

Everyone else has offered great advice. My thought I wanted to add is that think it would be ok for you to call your former pastor and discuss this. Since he knows the situation and you trust him as a confidante, he may be able to help you.

[KC's wifey]

I think it is difficult because we would all love to tell you to leave, call your DH a bunch of ugly names, tell you he blew it and you deserve better. We care for you, and hate that you are going through this.

Its just that the world's ways are not God's ways. Happiness is being in Him. If you come here for solid Christian advice, which I know you have, it should be Biblical advice rather than the emotional advice that we all so badly want to give.

Biblically, if he was an unbeliever he would be free to go. But since he claims to be Christian he *should* be in a covenant with you and God in your marriage (although he has choice to go against God). Also, although the Bible is clear that God hates divorce, He has given permission for it if a spouse cheats. It doesn't mean you have to, or even that you should (reconciliation and repentance is always better if possible)... but it is allowed. But again, your DH is straddling the fence. He hasn't outright cheated, but he isn't being faithful either. A convincing case could be made that he has cheated, and I'm not saying I disagree, but if I am going to give any advice, I don't want it to be disputable advice, but clear and obvious from the Bible.

I don't know what will ultimately happen with your marriage. But, what I can tell you is that as long as you are still married to him, be a godly wife; not because he deserves it, but because of your love for God. But you already know that because you have already been doing it.

I found this article that talks about what God's design for dealing with an unbeliever/disobedient husband. I'm not sure it fits perfectly with your situation, but I thought of you and hope it might give some encouragement and wisdom.

Praying for you.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

Thank you Polly, for that advice. You are right. I feel as Christians, our ways our not the ways of the world, especially when it comes to things like marriage. Those are the things I am battling with - DH was unfaithful in that he had a relationship with another woman, kissed another woman, has flirted with others, and has lusted over another women. But, there was no sexual intercourse. He had an emotional affair - but is that grounds for leaving him? I am not asking anyone to answer that - that is just what I question.

Thank you so much for the reminder to be a godly wife. I am struggling with that right now. I am angry at some things and have the urges to lash out. I did get in to talk to my counselor and it was so helpful to talk to someone - just to let it out and have time to talk about it with someone who is slightly impartial.

My old pastor did say that this is a God problem, not just a Lisa problem. That DH is struggling with his commitment to God and that is the main problem. If that is the case, there is nothing I can do but continue to pray. If DH decides to turn away from God and us, then I will let him go.

[Consensus]

This is kind of a side-track, but a few weeks ago I attended a book club meeting with wives/moms from my church, and the book was a fictional Christian story called "Like Dandelion Dust". One of the characters, a strong Christian woman, goes through a real internal wrestling of faith, the sort of which is "Do I leave this in God's hands, or can I try and take care of this with my earthly resources?". During the book club discussion, one mom brought up how what the character did was terrible, and pretty much everyone around the circle turned around and agreed. While I could kind of see their point, I found I really empathized with the characters feeling of deep despair, of desperate "My God, if I don't DO something I'm not sure I can live the rest of my life without torment, if what I think is going to happen does turn out to be true". When I shared that I could see the emotional place where this character acted from, I was pretty much met with blank stares, and I've since been in wonder of these women. Have they never dealt with anything so difficult, or is their faith just so perfect and strong that they've never strayed from looking for God's will in every detail of every struggle in their lives?


I think there are very few people who can truly understand your struggle, and at the same time, there are very few that can understand your faith; and from that place, I think sometimes God calls a few to go through difficult periods where we absolutely need to cling to Him, when reveals Himself in a special way, and our relationship with Him is strengthened and solidified. Sometimes these periods call for lonely walks in the desert, parched and thirsty for something that we desperately want but don't have, a loving partner for a husband. A husband who should love us like Christ loved the church, but doesn't, and is some combination of clueless/uninterested in seeking/ignorant/averse - maybe subconsciously antagonistic - to God's holiness. And you look and see this is the man you are married to, called to love and submit to. To be honest, I've sometimes felt twinges of jealousy seeing other healthy Christian marriages, thinking, wow - how joyful it could be, to be loved and respected like that. But then reality sets in that this is not my life and not the path God has set for me or for us.

I don't write to be a debbie downer, but maybe to share that I come from a place of being completely emotionally done with understanding the forward path of my marriage. And I think you are amazing, God is doing incredible, just incredible things in you in strengthening your faith and being a godly Christian woman. I don't remember when it was, a few months back, when you wrote about not seeking any 'dirt' on your DH, that if God intended for you to know something He would reveal it to you, and gosh it felt like I ran into a brick wall. What incredible faith! What incredible obedience, and self-control!

Several months back, with the peace of God clear as day within me, I told my DH I was prepared to leave him, and since then, we haven't had a single incident. However, to this day, he blames me for the 'distress' I caused in the marriage when I said I was prepared to leave and doesn't see himself as having any fault in it. I don't know if you remember anything that I had posted about this, I can pm you if you'd like (actually, I tried to, but your box is full). Something brought me to sharing the bible verses with an unbeliever Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all who are weary and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light". It occurred to me that I was sharing this verse with an unbeliever, but I didn't have that true peace, that rest in my soul in the depths of all that's been going on with my DH. And then, about a month ago, DH swore at me using Christ's name in vain, and it hit me how truly lost he is. But now, since that day, we had another weird incident that really made the two of us work together (basically, we got swindled in a used car deal), and through that I felt I was able to share with him some of God's truths that had been revealed to me about our marriage, but applied in a situation where he wasn't the recipient and wasn't on the defensive.

Now, our situations are different. I don't think you necessarily need to learn to be gentle and humble in spirit, because you exude that so clearly, a brightly shining star. But when I read the title of the post "so lost", it occurred to me that you Lisa are not lost because you know your relationship with God, you feel it and you know how much you depend on it. Those who are truly lost don't know what they are missing.
You said you prayed God would reveal things to you that you needed to know about, and He has. But as you wonder what to do - sometimes I think God reveals things to us to keep and digest in our hearts, like Mary when she was told she was chosen to carry His child, and from that another truth or realization may come, or it may be a stepping stone for some future event. Though these times are incredibly difficult, one hopefully uplifting thought is that God is still working in your life. Not only is He working, He is zealously pursuing you. He is still seeking you to cling to Him and through you He is seeking your husband, as the bible says us women can win over the hearts of our husbands through our behavior, without words. And though the secular world may think this is a ridiculous thought, I've thought several times how I have to thank my DH for his not very nice treatment of me, because when he knocked himself off the pedestal I had him on, God gladly took his place, and the strength of relationship I have with God these days is solely due to what happened in my marriage.

So those are my thoughts, and here are my prayers. That God continue to pursue your lovely heart and fill you with a higher peace despite the heart-wrenching situation with your husband. I pray you are encouraged in your talks with those who are in your life, in your prayer, in your quiet time with the spirit, and in your reading. I pray for the eyes of your husband be opened, for his heart to know what it feels like to yearn for God and know what he is missing. And I pray for a strengthening of your relationship with him, that he finds his calling to love his wife, and beings to appreciate the depths to which the health of your marriage reaches, from your children, to others around you, to couples you may counsel in the future, and hopefully someone poking around APA, anonymously, encountering your story and being encouraged, uplifted, and brought to God because of it.
With all the greatest and sincere love, I can muster I will pray for you! You are going on my whiteboard prayer list.

[i.<3.cheesysmiles]

Do I leave this in God's hands, or can I try and take care of this with my earthly resources?" "My God, if I don't DO something I'm not sure I can live the rest of my life without torment, if what I think is going to happen does turn out to be true"

Exactly what I feel like I am struggling with.

I think sometimes God calls a few to go through difficult periods where we absolutely need to cling to Him, when reveals Himself in a special way, and our relationship with Him is strengthened and solidified

This is how I have felt with my situation for a long time because as things have gotten difficult, I find that I cling to God more and more and seek His help more and more. I am struggling though believing that He will be faithful. It's been so long, and I have been in agony for so long and I do question if I am truly meant ot go through this.

To be honest, I've sometimes felt twinges of jealousy seeing other healthy Christian marriages, thinking, wow - how joyful it could be, to be loved and respected like that

I feel the exact same way. I feel jealousy even when I see couples on the street holding hands.

it occurred to me that you Lisa are not lost because you know your relationship with God, you feel it and you know how much you depend on it

Honestly, i think I might be struggling. Does God really want to see me and my children in so much pain for so long? That is what I am questioning, and I ask God that.

one hopefully uplifting thought is that God is still working in your life. Not only is He working, He is zealously pursuing you. He is still seeking you to cling to Him and through you He is seeking your husband, as the bible says us women can win over the hearts of our husbands through our behavior, without words. And though the secular world may think this is a ridiculous thought, I've thought several times how I have to thank my DH for his not very nice treatment of me, because when he knocked himself off the pedestal I had him on, God gladly took his place, and the strength of relationship I have with God these days is solely due to what happened in my marriage.

Thank you for this reminder. It is so hard to realize that God is still working in my life when we have been through so much for so long.

thank you for your prayers, too.


I reached out to an elder, and he gave me some times I can meet him (but I can't this week) and he gave me his number. He said I could meet with the other elders or our interim pastor. The elders do know our situation and have been trying to pursue DH. The elder I talked to said he has been trying unsuccessfully to reach DH, and said he will try harder now that I have reached out to him. I know I have mentioned that it is a good thing that DH has some Christian men to talk to. He also said there would be some women who are willing to be an ear, too. So, I have some resources for people to talk to and people who understand my faith

[Chayah]

I didn't read all the PP, but . You can't go around for the rest of your life checking behind him. You will never have any peace. Once that trust is broken, it is SOOOO hard to regain it...and your DH doesn't seem to want to change or be accountable. I know it's so hard for you. I question my decisions alot. I'm here if you need to talk.