The Story of my Ben
On September 4th, 2007, 1 day shy of 5 months Ben and Katelyn(my oldest) went to my neighbors for the day (she is a licensed daycare provider) she was doing our backup child care for a week because our regular provider took a leave for surgery. Ben was happy, he woke for a bottle at 4 am (which he had not done for two weeks as he learned to sleep through the night!) I fed him and went to work early that day so I could get home early to be with the kids. I called My neighbor at 8 to see how his mood was when my husband dropped him off and he was laughing and cooing in the background. I called her again right before I took my lunch break at 11:30 and he was again, laughing and cooing. I got back from lunch and then a meeting at 1:45 and the messages flooded my voice mail. All they could tell me was that he was not breathing. I called anyone I could to go get Katelyn and in the process must have called all my family. I got to the hospital and 5 minutes later my mom got there, 5 minutes after that my husband and about 5 more minutes from there my step mom. In all my life I never thought I would get the news I got and have to see my baby boy that way. He was so perfect and so healthy I never ever expected this. I still feel so empty. We held him for 6 hours. I felt like the clock was spinning in circles. When we finally had to let him go I broke down because I knew that would be the last time I ever got to hold him again, and the last time he would look as he did when I left him that morning. There is not a minute that goes by that I don't think of Ben, I think of him so often. I often question why I had to have this happen to me in my life, I am only 30 years old. We held Ben's funeral Saturday, September 8th, 2007. My birthday was the day that follows. All I could do was think of him, it felt like no time to think of myself...it still does not. I just miss him, I want to smell him, hug him, kiss him and see the way he lit up from head to toe when he saw me...I feel like the best way to explain this is that it sucks and it is extremely unfair. I hate the answer of SIDS because the way the Medical Examiner explained it was "there is no medical diagnosis to explain Ben's death...so SIDS is the answer". That is just the suckiest thing to hear. When we left him that day he was PERFECT...
If there is anything in this world that I wish the most it is that no other family has to endure what I have endured. No mommy is supposed to bury her baby, not at 1 month, 1 year or 40 years, it seems to me to be the wrong order.