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Thread: Michael's death.

  1. #31

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    Oh sweetie its not your fault. He knew you loved him and he loved you too. I cant imagine what your going through right now and I think you should come here and talk about it. We are here for you and I am so very sorry for your loss.

    My Blog

  2. #32

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    big hugs remember the good times all the loved u two shared its not ur fult(sp)

  3. #33

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    I can repeat it a thousand times and I know that I didn't cause the accident, but I still feel responsible for him leaving. If I had just told him, "Yes, please stay. I want to talk." I honestly think he'd still be alive. One well-meaning person told me that in her beliefs, we all have a pre-determined time when we'd die so if Mike hadn't gone and died on his motorcycle, maybe something would have happened to him at home in front on me. I'm not so sure I believe that thought his death certainly has made life seem so short and death so final.
    How could this happen to someone who was such a joy? That song 'Only the Good Die Young' is apparently true. Mike certainly wasn't perfect, we had our stupid fights and he could be as stubborn as me at times, but he really was/is a great man. He didn't care about a person's color, lifestyle, sexual orientation, finances, political views, anything. He accepted people from all walks of life and it showed at his funeral and wake - people that you'd think would never be in the same room together were all crying together. I managed to barely speak at his funeral and I shared one of the stories from our honeymoon. We were in line for the Toy Story ride (yes, we went to Disney) and it was a 2 hour line and Mike had brought his PSP player to listen to music. As we're standing there, there was a woman and her two sons and the boys were getting antsy and bored and starting to drive their mom a little crazy. They saw Mike's PSP and started leaning over and asking him about it. So Mike, seeing how frusterated the mom was, popped in a game and handed the player over for the kids to play while in line. It kept them occupied for the whole two hours and the mom was really appreciative. It was just a good example of exactly the kind of guy Mike was. He'd do anything to try to help people out, strangers or friends, just because. He'd pull over for stranded motorcyclists and cars all the time. He helped me on my quest for saving every stray dog I could fine. He was a gem.
    I used to complain that Mike was never serious. Because he was always making jokes and laughing, it was really hard to have a serious, solemn moment with him. I think that's another reason why it's so empty and hard without him because he made me laugh all day long and now there's no laughter. Everything hurts. I'll smile if Charlie does something or says something funny but there's no real joy behind it. I'm trying to take one day at a time but it's hard to not think about the future.
    I don't think everybody falls in love like Mike and I did. We were very, very lucky. But now it feels like what is left? Yes, the kids need me and I'll exist and function for them but the happiest time in my life is over. There is never going to be another man that can compare to Mike, he is one of a kind. So even if someday I met someone else, it feels like that's what I'd be doing. Existing. Not living. Because I don't want to live without him and it just makes my stomach churn that the most precious person in my life is gone and I'll never get him back.
    We always structured our family around our marriage because the idea was if we have a strong marriage, we'll have a strong family and happy kids so Mike was always my number one focus. I feel like I was hit by a truck.
    And I know that there are plenty of strong, single mom's out there (a few on here that are amaznig) but I'm not sure I'm cut out for that. I know no one ever plans on being a single parent but I want to scream, and throw things, and shriek that I didn't sign up for this. How am I going to teach them all the things that Mike would? They're going to be such different people without him. And Maverick? I don't know anything about raising a boy. What's going to happen when he needs his Dad to show him things? And how is Charlotte going to know the sort of standard that Mike set for guys? I always thought that if Charlie was raised with seeing how often Mike and I say I love you to eachother, and if we do fight, we always apologized to each other in front of her so she'd get a sense of how a good relationship works and people forgive eachother. Who's going to be her example of that now? I just want to cry all month long over all this stuff.
    Today at 1:00 there's a widow's group at the YWCA. It's small, sometimes only like 4 members, but they do have a counselor there either way even if no one shows up. I might go. I keep it together okay during the day but at night, I just sob horribly. I imagine that'll go on for a long time.
    I miss him so much. I miss him for my kids. I feel alone and empty without him. I want him back.
    I'm Kristia, widowed wife of my wonderful, sweet Michael (Feb 25, 1978 - Apr 1, 2010)
    and we are the proud parents of 5yr old Charlotte and 1yr old Maverick.

  4. #34

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    Krista, I am at loss of words, but my heart just aches for you, Charlie and Maverick
    Dani (6) and Chris (4)

  5. #35
    LisaJ2224 Guest

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    Lots of love coming to you from Florida, Kristia.

  6. #36

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    (((((hugs))))) You are in my thoughts & prayers.

    "here's to the memories, these are my souvenirs" Switchfoot

  7. #37

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    It's midnight and I know I should be trying to sleep since Maverick finally fell asleep but the nights are so much harder then the day. At least during the day there's mundane things to do to keep me occupied to stop me from thinking about Michael every moment but the minute the lights go out, he's all I can think about. I miss him so much right now I can't breathe. This is not suppposed to be my life. I'm supposed to be able to hold him and cuddle with him and kiss him goodnight and scratch my fingers into his goatee. I can't sleep in our bed without him.
    I'm Kristia, widowed wife of my wonderful, sweet Michael (Feb 25, 1978 - Apr 1, 2010)
    and we are the proud parents of 5yr old Charlotte and 1yr old Maverick.

  8. #38

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    Krista, I was 5 when my father died and was 24 when my DBF was murdered. I could barely survive during the day after he was murdered and like you the nights were even harder. I remembered that my mom always had a lumpy pillowcase in her bed so I called her and asked about it. She told me that after my father died she made it through the days for us 3 kids and at night she would sob uncontrollably for hours. One night she said she tried putting some of his favorite t-shirts inside his pillowcase b/c she wanted to feel close to him. She said this comforted her the most b/c she said it smelled like him and she could hold it while she slept. From that point on she always held that pillowcase filled with his old clothes and started being able to sleep. So I tried the same thing and was able to sleep a little better. I even started sleeping in one of his old football tshirts and she was right. It felt as if he was a little closer. Try that with some of his old clothes and his pillowcase to see if it can bring you some comfort at night. Take care...
    Dee Dee, Mom to 2 handsome young men & 2 beautiful girls!

  9. #39

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    Thinking about you. I know you don't like to be hugged but cyberhugs should be okay, right?

  10. #40

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    Krista I am so very very sorry. You and the kids are in my thoughts.

    Erica 12/7/92 Anthony 1/13/06 Akasha 1/8/07 Alexander 5/17/08 Aja Nicole Rose 1/14/2010

  11. #41
    Join Date
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    Posts
    20,793

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    Oh hun. I also wish there was something I could say to make all the hurt go away, and make your Mike come back. I am so so sorry this has happened to you. Please don't feel guilty, it was not your fault. At ALL. Couples argue, especially with a newborn around because life is HECTIC those first few days, weeks, months. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please vent to us whenever you need to, we're here for you as much as we can be without physically being near you.

    **Lizzo**

  12. #42

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    Krista,this made me cry I felt like I was there with you. You do need to forgive yourself he would want you to. He Im sure remembered that you loved him and Im sure would not want you beating your self up for the last things you said to him Im sure you told him so many times you loved him. Try to remember that. God bless you and your babies Im so sorry words cant even say. Stay stronge

  13. #43

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    *** Hugs*** its not your fault. Its not your fault. Its not your fault. You two had a fight that WE ALL have had with our loved one. Fate unfortunately stepped in at the wrong time and he had an accident and died. Im so sorry you have to deal with this. BUT you know what? He sounds like he was a good guy...and Im SURE he would never want you to suffer like this. He would want you to enjoy your children. He hears you girl, he knows your sorry and you did not mean to argue or not talk to him that day ;) *hugs*
    My Sweet girl is gonna be a big sister! Expecting a GIRL 6/2011
    [IMG

  14. #44

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    My heart is so broken for you. I wish I could be there to be with you and help with things. Never worry about sharing here, we are here for you, we care for you, we are crying with you and our hearts go out to you. Please take care of yourself, and know that Mike knew that you loved him. Remember all the good times that you had, because that is what he would want you to think of - not the bad times or the fight you had before he left. He would want you to be happy.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Kyli (26) DH (29) Liam (5/13/09) Evette (10/18/12)


  15. #45

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    I am in tears! OMG, I don't have much to say.. I wish I could do something for u You can post however many times we are all here for u.. we are all here to listen and comfort u!

    praying for u everynight!

    FAMILY- Like branches on a tree, our lives may grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one.
    Me-Gabs(27)+ DH-B(25)= David and Daniella 11/13/2009

  16. #46

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    I know that you're all right, that he wouldn't want me focusing on our fight and that it was very trivial in the grand scheme of things. It is just something that I will always and forever regret.

    And yeah, cyber hugs are just fine. I don't mind hugs from friends, it's strangers touching me that drives me nuts.

    They say that there are five stages of grief and you can suffer them in any order and go back and fourth between them. Tonight, I guess I'm dealing with anger. I'm not angry at Mike, I know he wouldn't have left us if he had the choice. He always put us first and would have done anything for his family. I'm just pissed in general about his death. I'm more angry about existing here without him. Both the counselor I spoke to and a few other widows that I talked to all said the same thing - time helps things become more bearable, you never get over it, you can still have a life after losing your spouse but you 'redefine happiness'.

    Redefine happiness. The highlight, the best part of my life is over. Kaput. Dead with Michael. So while I have to carry on for the kids, I will have to then learn to make a new scale of happiness. It'll never be the same. It's hard trying to swallow the idea of being terminally heartbroken for the rest of your life. I'm way too **** young to live the rest of my life like that but it's true. I'm angry that we have two small children. I'm not angry at them, of course, but I'm angry that I have to stay around to be here for them. I wish I could be with Mike. The thought continually crosses my mind that I could hang myself from my banister. It would be quick, it wouldn't be too painful, I'd pass out before dying and then wake up with him. Of course, shortly after that thought comes the reality of what that would do to the kids, especially Charlotte. We're very close and she'd be traumatized for the rest of her life. Not to mention, what if she found me like that? What sort of horrible scars would that imprint on my beautiful, happy litte girl's mind? I won't do it but I wish I could. I'm mad that I can't. I don't want to be strong, what I'd like to do is wither into a ball and dissapear to the other side.
    What is there to look forwards to now? People keep telling me 'for the kids' and I'm trying to find strength in them but your children are just not the same as a partner. I love them but obviously not in the same way that I love Mike. I can't imagine not holding him, or kissing him, or being without him for the rest of my life. The entire rest of my ****ing life I will not have Michael. Never, ever again. And even if I can function on for another 50 years, he will miss everything and I will have to do everything without him. Birthdays. Dances. Holidays. Graduation. Weddings. Grandchildren. Is everything going to be a reminder of his loss? Or our loss, of what the kids loss? From now until I'm dead? Probably. And it's just not a existence I want.

    I promise, this isn't some cry of a suicide attempt. I haven't lost it quite yet. I do really know what that would do to the kids and I wouldn't do that. They need me more then ever now and I have to not only be here to be mom, but work double-time to be dad as well.

    I considered myself Christian and I might have not gone to church every sunday but I prayed to and talked to God often. I believed in Heaven and the basic belief that you should treat others as you want to be treated since we're all God's children. Now with Mike's death, I don't know what to believe. I'm not sure I believe anything anymore. My entire existence, my world, has been shaken, as well as my faith. Another horrible, emptying feeling.

    Today I left the kids with my mom briefly to go walk our Saint Bernard puppy, Daphne, with a old buddy from highschool years and his dog. I thought that maybe getting out with someone who I had lost contact with over the years would let me pretend that my life wasn't falling apart. While the dogs had a blast playing in the river, all it really did was remind me the sort of person I was before I met Mike. I was superbly optimistic but I was also unsure, nuerotic, had low self-esteemed, and didn't generally like myself. I became a better person, a happier person, with Mike. It was impossible not to be full of joy around him, he was always happy and humorous. So who am I now? I have no ****ing idea. I'll never go back to the old me but I'm not the same person I was a few weeks ago without Mike. I have to develop a third personality now and I'm terrified of what she'll look like. It's like Kristia, Mike's wife, died with him and now I'm this empty shell that I have to attempt to rebuild from scratch - though no matter what I do, it'll never be as good as the original version.

    One of the widows on this widows forum I've been browsing posted this and it's so horribly, painfully true. "We are not just grieving the death of our spouse. But also the death of who we ourselves were, the death of the couple we were once half of, the end of the life we once lived,
    the end of what we expected our future to be. It is not just
    that we miss that person. But now we must also go in search
    of a new identity, to try to recreate ourselves. And at time
    in our lives when we feel the weakest, most insecure and most
    vulnerable. Without that person who, just by being there,
    would have given us the strength and confidence to do those
    and so much more."

    I would do anything to get him back.
    I'm Kristia, widowed wife of my wonderful, sweet Michael (Feb 25, 1978 - Apr 1, 2010)
    and we are the proud parents of 5yr old Charlotte and 1yr old Maverick.

  17. #47
    greenilady89 Guest

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    Many cyber . I can't ever imagine the pain you are going through. It hurt like h** when I lost my great grandmother. I regret not giving her a good look over at the funeral home. I was too afraid to get too close to the caset. I miss her but, she lived to be 96 almost 97 when she passed on can't believe its been almost 6 years. My great uncle who I wasn't even extremely close to passed away when I was 5 months pregnant with Cody. I was very upset I didn't even get to know him better.I saw your siggy many times and I remember you are only 26 or 27? Five to six years older than me I couldn't ever imagine loosing my spouse in 5 years. I wish everyone on APA can visit you and the kids. Your husband will be there in spirite for your kids. I know it may sound so empty but the acciendent wasn't your fault. There will always be the "what if this could have been prevented". I still have that same feeling of my eldery family members who passed away that was well for their time. Your kids are dolls I wish you be able to have much help with them growing up. I think the support group is a great idea for you. My heart goes out to you.
    Last edited by greenilady89; 04-21-2010 at 11:31 AM.

  18. #48
    Join Date
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    Kristia.

    I lost a cousin and remember the anger and rage I felt that lasted for a very long time. It's been 8 years and I'm still not over her death, but I know my loss was nothing compared to yours.

    Please be strong for your Charlie and Maverick. And please call someone when you are feeling this way. You are welcome to call me anytime if you have no one else to call. We all need you to be there for your precious children.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  19. #49

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    HUGS Krista! keep on writing. It is good to get your feelings out!
    Dee Dee, Mom to 2 handsome young men & 2 beautiful girls!

  20. #50

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    I admire how your able to share your feelings and not hold back and be competely honest and open with what is going on for you. That is not a easy thing to do.

    I am so terribly sorry and as i read your posts i share tears with you. I can relate to some of what you say. Although our stories are some what differnt their are some things that are the same.

    My younger two children have lost their Dad. They are now 11 and 12 years old. They have a brother who lived with me for many years who now as a teenager has gone on to live with his Mom. Those 3 beautiful kids have lost their Dad at such a young age. We had started our combined family and there was good times and bad. There was laughter and direction. There was up's and downs.
    Their dad had quite the sense of humor and was a dedicated man a hard working provider for his family and a loving man.
    SO many good qualities.

    My direciton in life changed. I had no say in the matter - i wasn't even given an option or asked. My children didn't have a voice in the matter either.

    I think i read in one of your posts that "time" is the only thing that will help. Sucks to hear that - I heard that too. But its true. Time does heal. When one door closes more open. I heard that too. All of those things and many others i hated to hear but looking back those words are comfort to me today.

    I see my children's father in things they do. My girls love sports and i see his cocky eyebrow go up in my one daughter when she pitches her baseball. In my other daughter , she has her Dad's sense of humor and boy does she keep us laughing... and in his son - he sounds exactly like his Dad. Its amazing how many times through my children i can see him...

    These are all such treasured moments. I am a better person today for what i have had to go through. There are highlights in my life. I am proud that i have been Mom & Dad - there are times when it sucks that there is no "Dad" with baseball - there is LOTS of Dad's and my kids do voice their opionons on this..and there are times they have tears .. over it.... but together we get through it...and they will grow up to understand and be better for that as well.

    What makes our stories a little differnt is that my children's father is very much alive and choose a life of addiction.

    It makes me very angry to know my children's father and many others that choose addiction gamble with their lives and there other men out there that would just in a heart beat switch places with them.. to have their lives back. If one chooses to throw it away why do they live? and others who are meant to be right here .. why do they have to go.

    These are the answers we just are not given. I don't know why there must be a reason.

    I wanted to share this with you - for you, for me, for your kids and my kids.. and others that might come by and read one day. It will get better, it does get better. Some days you do this for your kids, some day's you do it for Mike - cos he would want you to.. and that is how you keep him alive. As much as I have a hard time understanding or forgiving my children's father I do what i do for my kids, for me and for him. Cos drug free he would want me to. Mike alive he would want you to.

    I hope you find comfort in some of what i wrote. Hope it isnt' confusing.
    Like i said you are brave to be able to share so openly and you are good at sharing.

    There will be happy times to come my friend - They are forever missed but he will give you reminders of him - and you say he has a sense of humor - he will bring that back to you when the time is right and you will smile.

  21. #51

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    I am so sorry for your loss--your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

    We are always here for you.
    Formerly villagespin


  22. #52

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    Quote Originally Posted by Momfourdaughters View Post
    I admire how your able to share your feelings and not hold back and be competely honest and open with what is going on for you. That is not a easy thing to do.

    I am so terribly sorry and as i read your posts i share tears with you. I can relate to some of what you say. Although our stories are some what differnt their are some things that are the same.

    My younger two children have lost their Dad. They are now 11 and 12 years old. They have a brother who lived with me for many years who now as a teenager has gone on to live with his Mom. Those 3 beautiful kids have lost their Dad at such a young age. We had started our combined family and there was good times and bad. There was laughter and direction. There was up's and downs.
    Their dad had quite the sense of humor and was a dedicated man a hard working provider for his family and a loving man.
    SO many good qualities.

    My direciton in life changed. I had no say in the matter - i wasn't even given an option or asked. My children didn't have a voice in the matter either.

    I think i read in one of your posts that "time" is the only thing that will help. Sucks to hear that - I heard that too. But its true. Time does heal. When one door closes more open. I heard that too. All of those things and many others i hated to hear but looking back those words are comfort to me today.

    I see my children's father in things they do. My girls love sports and i see his cocky eyebrow go up in my one daughter when she pitches her baseball. In my other daughter , she has her Dad's sense of humor and boy does she keep us laughing... and in his son - he sounds exactly like his Dad. Its amazing how many times through my children i can see him...

    These are all such treasured moments. I am a better person today for what i have had to go through. There are highlights in my life. I am proud that i have been Mom & Dad - there are times when it sucks that there is no "Dad" with baseball - there is LOTS of Dad's and my kids do voice their opionons on this..and there are times they have tears .. over it.... but together we get through it...and they will grow up to understand and be better for that as well.

    What makes our stories a little differnt is that my children's father is very much alive and choose a life of addiction.

    It makes me very angry to know my children's father and many others that choose addiction gamble with their lives and there other men out there that would just in a heart beat switch places with them.. to have their lives back. If one chooses to throw it away why do they live? and others who are meant to be right here .. why do they have to go.

    These are the answers we just are not given. I don't know why there must be a reason.

    I wanted to share this with you - for you, for me, for your kids and my kids.. and others that might come by and read one day. It will get better, it does get better. Some days you do this for your kids, some day's you do it for Mike - cos he would want you to.. and that is how you keep him alive. As much as I have a hard time understanding or forgiving my children's father I do what i do for my kids, for me and for him. Cos drug free he would want me to. Mike alive he would want you to.

    I hope you find comfort in some of what i wrote. Hope it isnt' confusing.
    Like i said you are brave to be able to share so openly and you are good at sharing.

    There will be happy times to come my friend - They are forever missed but he will give you reminders of him - and you say he has a sense of humor - he will bring that back to you when the time is right and you will smile.
    okay I am crying.. my hats off to u ladies... I ADMIRE YOU BOTH SO MUCH..

    FAMILY- Like branches on a tree, our lives may grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one.
    Me-Gabs(27)+ DH-B(25)= David and Daniella 11/13/2009

  23. #53
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    1,471

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    I am so very sorry for your loss and shed a few tears for you.
    Jenny 32, Jason 34, 1 cat, 12/09


  24. #54

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    I am so sorry that I am just now reading this! My heart goes out to you! Please lean on us if you need us. We are all here for you.


    Miracle Baby #2 "Mika"

  25. #55
    MountainMama4 Guest

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    I can't imagine the heartbreak and pain you are going through. I would only imagine that it is a long process of healing. I want you to know how much you have touched me and my life. Even though he couldn't donate his organs, he and you have changed the way I see my DH. You just never know when or how things might change and I don't want to take that for granted. Thank you for sharing with us so honestly. I am so extremely sorry that Mike is gone. I'm sorry that we all never got to meet such a wonderful man. I hope you find peace and comfort and rest. I hope each new day brings just one minute less of pain and is filled with more smiles and laughter.

  26. #56

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    Maverick was born the day after my baby brother died. We are still consumed with grief every day but I cannot imagine trying to go through this alone, with all these kids and no DH. No amount of hugs or tears will make you feel any better, but, I sobbed through everything you've written and I thank you for your honesty. Because of you and your beautiful Mikey, I will work to make my marriage better. I want what you had - I think we all do. Your love was special and I pray that God will strengthen you to hang on and see a better day. Someday.
    Baby girl born 6:17 am on November 18th weighing 7 lbs 2 oz & 19 " long

  27. #57

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    Kristia,
    I am in tears. I wish I had some comforting advice. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts. I hope one day you are able to find peace.



  28. #58

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    Kristia,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. Just reading this story brought tears to my eyes and made me think really hard about my relationship with my husband (we are having major marital problems), we fight constantly and he always just leaves to escape the fighting. I canít imagine what you are going through but I want you to know that it is not your fault!!! Sweetie I am so sorry for you and your family, life just isnít fair sometimes. But I can promise you and that you and your wonderful children are in my prayers and I will keep you there. I am here if you need to talk, I am really good at listening you can vent to me whenever you want.

    My god bless you and your family.


    Me(26), DH(26),DD Alexia 12/25/02,DS Frankie 7/9/06,DS David 2/8/10

  29. #59
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    12,131

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    Nothing to say, but I'm thinking about you. Wondering how your day is going. Wondering what you're doing. Hoping and praying that you learn to cope day by day.
    Dada (27) Mama-Jessie (26) Orion (4) Kadence (2) Osiris (Uterus)

  30. #60

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    I am in tears reading your posts hun. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Please know you & your children are in my thoughts & prayers.

    *Angie (mommy) (30)Jeremy (daddy) (31)*
    DS#1-Landyn Blake- March 14th, 2009 -(With us for 21 weeks, 4 days- 1lb,1oz, 12 inches long) Forever in our .
    DS#2-Gavin Cole- March 22nd, 2011 at 31 weeks, 4 days- 4lbs,5oz, 18 inches long!!

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