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Thread: Michael's death.

  1. #1

    Default Michael's death.

    I know I've posted all over the place in the forums, I'll try to stick to in here. I'm sure you're all going to get very tired of seeing stuff about Mike. No one will talk about him, though. It's like everyone's afraid to say his name to me and all I want to do is talk about him and act like he's still here. I'm trying so hard not to have a breakdown but it's so hard. It makes me so angry that people are just continuing with their lives and talk about the weather, the dogs, tv shows, when Mike is dead.

    The day Mike died, we had a big fight before he left.
    That night, Maverick woke up at 2, 4, and 6 and I was so very exhausted and he was nursing forever and didn't seem satisfied. I had nudged Mike to get up to change his diaper but Mike sleeps like a rock and didn't want to move. So instead of talking to him, I got angry. I yelled at him and told him he wasn't helping enough. I didn't mean it. I was frusterated with the lack of sleep and the angry newborn and still feeling uncomfortable from the birth and drowsy from my post-partum hemmorage. And when I yelled at him, he got upset (he was mutually tired and beat between the baby and work) and changed Maverick's diaper. I was still annoyed, so I refused to talk to him and he went and slept in the spare room. I didn't even get to sleep aside my Mikey before he died. I regret that whole night and the following day. When we woke up, I was still being a jerk. He tried to apologize but my feelings were injured and I told him I wasn't ready to talk. We did stuff around the house, barely speaking to one another, and then took Charlie, Maverick, and our Saint Bernard puppy out to the dog park. After the dog park, we stopped to grab something to eat at a hot dog place. That whole day, we didn't say much to eachother. I didn't tell Mike once that I loved him. I didn't kiss him at all. I was so wrapped up in my own frusteration that the last 24 hours with my Mike, I wasted on being selfishly angry. When we got home, I put Charlie down for a nap and nursed the baby again and Mike asked me if he could go out on his bike for a little bit because the weather was nice.
    And you know what I said to my husband? A man that I love, who would turn the world over for me, who has gone out of his way to support us and care for us, and makes me feel loved and beautiful and whole..
    I told him, "Go, I don't care. Just go."
    I wish I could stab myself in the heart because that's what I did to him. He even asked if I wanted him to stay so we could talk it out. I regret with every inch of me that I would have said yes, stay. Let's talk. I love you. Please don't go. Come back. I need you. Anything but what I said. And I'll never be able to take that back in a million years. I didn't mean it. But that's the last thing he heard from me. And his face looked so heartbroken. I hate myself. I feel responsible for his death. If I would have just told him to stay, he would have in a instant because he wanted to fix things. I was just being a horrible, stubborn, awful person.
    About two hours later, I was upstairs nursing the baby again and the phone rang like 3 times. I finally went down to check the messages and the first message was from the hospital, saying that they had a Michael Frederick in their ER and he'd been in a motorcycle accident. Then the next calls were his boss and his mom, who'd they'd also called, all yelling for me to pick up the phone.
    I called ECMC (the hospital) and they said that he was in critical condition but they couldn't tell me much more, I'd have to talk to the surgeon when I got there. My initial thought was that he was badly hurt, but not dead. There was no way. And I don't know how to drive our car, it's stick shift, so I made a frantic call for one of my friends to come pick me up. She did and her mother followed us to take the kids when we got there. On the way, his sister called my cell crying hysterically, asking why I wasn't there yet. I told her I was going as fast as I could and asked how he was, she kept crying. I told her, "Just tell me he's still alive." And she just kept crying more, then I screamed it at her and she said she didn't know anything, that the doctors wouldn't tell her anything. Which was a lie, the family knew, she just didn't want to tell me over the phone.
    But by the way she was crying, I knew something wasn't right. Then when we pulled up to the ER, my other best girlfriend was there with a wheelchair and told me to sit in it. It occured to me right away that the only reason they'd want me to sit down is because something serious happened but I said no and plowed into the ER. It took 5 seconds to realize Mike was dead. I told them who I was and they let me through the door and instead of taking me to a hospital room, they escorted me towards a office-like room. There was a priest holding the door open and inside my immediate inlaws were all there, crying. I told them, "Don't tell me that he's dead." and my mother in law said that he was.
    I shrieked hysterically, burst into tears, ended up on the floor. I still feel that exact moment of hearing it in the center of my stomach. This god awful pain of being hurt and angry and lost and nothing to do about it. I lost it a little at the hospital, I yelled for a while until they made me get off the floor and into a chair and then they said we could go see him.
    Michael was covered with a white sheet from his chest down, in a neck brace, and had a tube in his mouth. His face and arms were untouched, as all of his injuries turned out to be internal. He looked just like himself but sleeping. They started asking me about if I knew he was a organ donor and I think I said yes then they told me only tissue could be used since he was already dead when he got to the hospital, even though they tried to recistate him. I wish that he had been able to donate organs. I know he wanted to. For some reason, I think if his organs had been able to be used to save another person's loved ones life, I think it would have somehow made it a little easier. His whole family was in the room, his aunts started showing up and everyone was crying and clobbering over his body. I couldn't stand to touch his face, it was already so cold, so I touched his arm, right where his batman and joker tattoo was. I just kept waiting for him to wake up but it wasn't happening. They asked me if I wanted his wedding ring and at first I said no, but then I remembered he wanted to be cremated. If I had buried him, I'd want his ring on him but we did cremate him so they gave me his ring. I'm now wearing it on my left hand and it feels wrong, it should be on him. I asked the family to leave before they took him away to get his tissue and I told him that I was sorry, that I never meant what I said, I didn't want him to go, I do care, and I want him back. I begged for him to come back. I still do it every night when I go to bed, I don't know how long that will go on for even though I know it's something I'll never get a response to. Then my sister showed up, some other of his family, his best friend Gary. Everyone was a wreck but all I could focus on was that the last thing I said to him was, "Go, I don't care."

    I got his ashes today. They couldn't find the urn I wanted, his ashes were split between me and his mother, so they put him in a plastic bag and a cardboard box. That is what my husband is currently sitting in on my shelf. A box. I'll find a urn for him as soon as I can stomach the idea that he's really dead.

    Mikey, I miss you. I miss you so much. I love you. I want you to come back. My life is empty without you. I can't do this without you. The kids need you. I need you. I'm only complete with you. Please come back.

    I don't know how to do this.
    I'm Kristia, widowed wife of my wonderful, sweet Michael (Feb 25, 1978 - Apr 1, 2010)
    and we are the proud parents of 5yr old Charlotte and 1yr old Maverick.

  2. #2


    Oh, Kristia. I am in tears reading this. I'm not sure what to say, other than that I hope you know you can share anything with us, at any time, and we there will always be someone here listening to you, and crying with you, and wishing we could make things better, too. We will never be tired of it. This can be a safe place for you.

    I understand how you would keep replaying that last day in your mind with regret. But I know there were so many more days you spent together, full of the love and happiness and strength you shared with each other that you so often spoke of (and still speak of) here. I hope in time those memories will be a bittersweet consolation to you.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    In my head


    It's not your fault, sweetheart. Please share here whenever you feel the need if it helps you in any way.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  4. #4


    I'm sorry. So very sorry.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Little Slice of Country Paradise


    I dont have any words, hun. Only tears.
    Our Family <3 Est. July 2007 <3
    Samuel (5 years), Elliott (3 years), and Evelyn (1 year).

  6. #6
    LisaJ2224 Guest


    Kristia, you post, honey. You post 500 times a day and we will be here reading. We are here for you today and whenever you need us. I am so sorry that your Michael is gone. I am just heartbroken for you.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2007


    He knew you loved him. One bad day doesn't erase all of the love you gave over the years. He left you the gift of those beautiful children and in them you will always have a part of him. I know that nothing can be said to make things better, but I wish you strength.
    Tracy, Ari and Bella

  8. #8


    I'm in husband is thinking about getting a motorcycle i dont' want him to have one and i don't want to go through what your going through...i wish you didn't have to go through it. It's perfectly normal to feel what your feeling just don't blame yourself!! I"m so so sorry!!
    ~Heather and Stephen~Dustin14,Stephanie12, Dominick6,Hunter3,Caitlyn 10/27/10~Forever in our hearts twin baby B Jan 31-Mar22 10'!!

  9. #9


    Kristia....I wish that you didnt have to go thru this. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers everyday.

    Madison Elizabeth 3/12/06
    Eden Grace 11/9/07

  10. #10


    You share however much you need to, and know we are all here, thinking of you, sending you strength and wishing we could make it all better

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr 2007


    I'm in tears with you...I'm so very sorry. Please do not blame yourself, all married couples have fights, we all say things we do not mean, Mike knows you love him and he loves you, I hope in time you will just remember all the love you shared. You and your children are always in my thoughts and prayers!!

    Co-sleeping, baby-wearing, bfing, pumping, working ft mama.

  12. #12


    I sit hear reading all of your posts in tears. I have no words to express how sorry I am for your loss.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Funky Town


    It wasn't your fault. I swear to you, it wasn't.

    I can say without a shadow of a doubt that his last thoughts were of you. I know how hard it is to not focus on the bad things, the regrets, the things you wish you could change. But he knew that you loved him. Forgive yourself. It wasn't you.

  14. #14
    3andMe's Avatar
    3andMe is offline Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks? Hopelessly Devoted
    Join Date
    Mar 2006


    I am so sorry you're going through this, and your experience is utterly heartbreaking. I know it is really hard not to think about regrets and guilt, but he knew you loved him and he cherished your relationship just as much as you do. One fight can't change a lifetime of feelings and shared experiences, and it's definitely not the part worth remembering. Please be kind to yourself during this difficult time, because you deserve your own support as well as all of ours.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb 2006


    Thinking of you.

  16. #16
    Mommykm3 Guest


    It is not your's just not.

    This pains me so much to see you in so much pain. I wish there was something I could say or do.........

  17. #17


    oh hugs.. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you..

  18. #18


  19. #19
    shelily Guest


    Kristia, I'm in tears reading this. I'm so sorry that Mike is gone. He knows you loved him, please do not blame yourself for this terrible accident. Post as much as you like, we'll be here reading each and every one.

  20. #20


    I am so sorry Kristia; please don't blame yourself. We're here for you - you talk as much as you need to to us!

    2/09 6/09 4/14 9/14

  21. #21


  22. Default

    Kristia, I'm so so sorry. God I hate that you have to go through this. No one should have too. I cry every time I read a post from you because I can feel your pain in your writing. Tons of love and prayers your way momma.
    Christine: Mommy to, Anthony 9.10, Caleb 8.7, Jacob 5.6, Katelynn our newbie and Our Angel Nevaeh 1/1/07-1/1/07

  23. #23


    We all read... We all cry with you... We'll all support you as much as we can through a computer. Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.

    Me (31), DH (39), DD (6), DS (Born 7-31-08)

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Pittsburgh, PA


    Oh honey, it's not your fault! I don't know what to say to make you feel better. But we're here for you. I am so sorry that you are giong through this.

  25. #25


    , my heart is crushed for you! I have no words...this is definitely not your fault, don't think that for a second. Hope things start to look up for you!!! Stay strong.
    Julie (Mom of 3)

  26. #26
    Join Date
    Jun 2006


    I am so very sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself, he knows you love him and would not want you beating yourself up about this! Hugs and prayers for you and your family!
    Growing fast... DD1 (6) & DD2 (4)
    Forever loved, forever missed... Twin Girls with us for 19w3d 6/12/06

  27. #27
    Join Date
    Nov 2007


    He knew how much you loved him. As others have said, all couples have those arguments and it's not your fault. Keep writing, wherever you can, here - a blog, whatever..just keep on getting through these days however you can, and we'll all be here to read and support you.
    Just Midge

  28. #28


    Krista, it is very apparent from past posts you have made how much you loved Mike and how much he loved you! Please don't be so tough on yourself! You two had a wonderful life with beautiful memories. Try to keep those alive and push the others aside. And post all you want! We are here for you! My thoughts and my tears are here for you!
    Dee Dee, Mom to 2 handsome young men & 2 beautiful girls!

  29. #29


    Oh Kristia, it is not your fault. Every couple has days like that. Mike knew you loved him! If we knew that you loved him just from reading your posts, then there is no way he didn't know that. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. We're here for you, anytime.

  30. #30


    Kristia- I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I wish so much that I did. I come on here every day to check to see if you have posted, to see how you are doing. Don't ever feel like your story is a burden to us. It's a small consolation that you can come here and get your feeling out and we will always, always be here to listen.
    I could always tell by your posts that you and Michael have something special. What happened was not your fault. We've all been through that time with a newborn. It's really, really hard. He understood that. It's why he was so sympathetic. He knew that you loved and cherished him. This was not your fault.

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