Wow.... just wow
I am so sorry you lovely ladies have to deal with all this morons... I am at loss of words after reading all this things. And most of all I am sorry you had lost your little ones, my heart aches with each of you
And I thought my Uncle was insensitive when he told my cousin (after she M/C) "maybe you are not meant to be a mother:
Dani (6) and Chris (4)
MIL, on several occasions after the blighted ovum:
"Well Michael (DH) seemed almost relieved when he told me. Maybe you guys just weren't ready."
Which is why I do not care if I ever see or speak to that person again. She doesn't even know I am pregnant this time, and her grandchild is due n less than 2 months.
DH was devastated...she said this over and over to ME just to cause issues.
All of these are horrible, and I have mainly heard just the basic "well at least you weren't that far along" and etc. But if my MIL would have said this to me I don't think I would be able to refrain from slapping her right there. I would take all the weight gain in the world to have my child back.Originally Posted by AGDiaz
I can't imagine why anyone would ever say anything but "I am so sorry for your loss, It must be very hard for you and I can't imagine what your going through!"
I am sorry people are so stupid!
I was out with some people from work the other day and one colleague was talking about how hectic her life is with 2 young toddlers. Once colleague turned to me and said, "Aren't you glad you don't have 2?" It stung a little as I'd only just had my miscarriage 2 weeks before (no one at work knows about it though).
The worst I have gotten from my m/c were: "it was nature's way, blah blah." and "well you're always so stressed out, blah blah." They always seem to come from the people who've never lost.
But I can't believe how insensitive some of these quotes I read here were. How horrible? What's wrong with just a sincere "I am so sorry" and "My prayers are with you."
Me(36) DH (38) --11/08, 6/09, 10/09 --
DS born 7/25/2010 --
I'm probably getting kicked out of my due date room....but
people saying that God doesn't give us more than we can handle or that if there's a problem God will take care of "it" when it's time must not understand that everyone greives differently. I believe in God and I got very close with that relationship when my son died but empty words about him are just that.
Me (27) & DH (36)
Ryesen - born 6/9/10
I'm so sorry for each persons loss!
I am offended that people said such offensive remarks to you all!
Even if you were pregnant for 4 weeks...you were still someones mother! You gave your child love and did whatever you could to nurture that baby and to help it grow!
I too have miscarried, but I told very few people and no one said anything like that to me. And if they did, I would have slapped them. I have friends who have had miscarriages and I offer them support if they need to talk about it or whatever. I would never say it's part of God's plan or anything like that!
I was someones mother and just because my baby isn't here doesn't mean I'm not a mother. It still hurts to watch so many women who are pregnant and are able to have and hold their babies when I will never get to.
My heart really breaks for everyone on here because no one should say anything so rude!
I guess I will post a little thing. It wasn't a comment. My friend who has 2 kids is on CafeMom. So I joined. One day I couldn't log in or anything. They sent me an e-mail saying that I wasn't a real mom and CafeMom is for real moms only and that they knew I would understand.
So I really don't care for that site!
Amanda - someone at my work just said something similar. They said "well you really wouldn't want her to have lived a life with that syndrome would you?" Well yes! I want my baby here, ALIVE! The fact that she would have faced challenges means nothing to me. I KNOW she is in a wonderful place, and I cling to that, but it doesn't make me grieve for her or hurt any less because of it.
ALLO - wow! I'm so sorry you had that experience - so rude!
This makes me so angry!
Bigto you!
Hopefully TTC #2 Fall 2013! Missing Baby and New Baby, 2/2010 and 6/2010
I had to bump this back up because of a comment today by my boss. He was talking about how his daughter (She is around 13 months) has croup. When he was talking about her cough he said about three times "She sounded like she was going to die!". Um yeah, I was sitting about 3 feet from him as he is saying this. It took everything I had to not lash out and say you have no idea what it sounds like when they die, I do
I got several insensitive comments really:
My grandmother told me I just needed to forget about my m/c and move on.
My sister told me I was taking my grief out on everyone. (She was pg at the time which was hard for me)
People in general said:
At least you know you can get pg
At least it was early (did that make me love my babies less)
God has a plan. (Do you think it comforts me for you to tell me that God's plan was for my children to not be with me?)
I wrote an article about what not to say to someone after they had a m/c and they pulled it from my work newsletter because a board member said it was harsh and judgemental. It covered most of the things stated by all of us in this thread.
Senior Member
Chatterbox
when I was in the middle of switching specialists while I was pregnant this time around i told one of the dr's I lost my son when he was 4 months to what they thought was SIDS and all she said was "Oh well, guess that's too bad maybe you'll have better luck this time." I would have kicked her but she backed away too quick
then I finally found out last week that my son died from seizures caused by a severe allergic reaction to his shots and the lady who was watching him (who had been my best friend but now we hardly ever talk)I told her and all she did was e-laugh (it was through an email) and say "lol, hahaha, Thanks for telling me, oh well I've had seizures too it's all good."
I swore I'd punch her in the face the next time I saw her but it was in meijer and since Im trying to get my job back there I didnt think that was a great idea. o.o but shes lucky I havent gone after her for negligence if she had been actually watching him hed still be alive
Proud mom of an
gosh... I didn't know this thread was here before!!
I'm so sorry that any of us have to/had to endure any of these comments!!
Here are a few for me:
A d&c is a simple operation it's just like an abortion- (said by mil and sil)
At least you weren't further along and become attached
What is wrong with you, why do you keep m/c-ing
The list goes on and on I just don't want to even remember anymore of them!
Co-sleeping, baby-wearing, bfing, pumping, working ft mama.
This!!! This was the very first stupid comment I got via email from a church lady. She said "Well.. I guess you should just be grateful for the two boys you already have."I wanted to write her back and say "What makes you think I'm not already appreciative of them, and why the hell am I not "allowed" to have more children b/c everyone else thinks two's enough???"
A lady asked me while we were in Mexico (trying to heal) how far along I was when I lost the baby. I told her and she said "ohhh welll... that's not so bad then eh?" I could have effing punched her in the mouth. Thankfully my dh came to my rescue and defense and said "Actually it IS "so bad" b/c this was a baby we had both really wanted and prayed for, for the past 2 years."
Why do people assume you've not bonded or connected with your baby at any given age in utero? That pisses me off so badly. They never stop to think that it may just be harder having NOT seen, held, kissed or rocked your baby.There's no service, there's no memorial, there's no body, and there's ultimately no real closure.
Today my boss and a co-worker started talking about dealing with the funeral home over funeral arrangements. I had to stop them because it brought back memories of planning Tyler's service and I thought I was going to have a panic attack.
Alyssa
Twin girls 5/24/09
Adoption Finalized 8/31/12 - Proud mama to Max and Kacey
Ugh..
I just want to offer
It breaks my heart that people made/make those comments to you.
White Chocolate Macadamia Nut
Hopelessly Devoted
At my last doctor appointment they asked how many pregnancies I've had. I said 4, including this one. She looked at Lola and G and said "only two births?" and I said yes. She said "what happened with the third?" I said "I took a couple of pregnancy tests over the course of a few days, all of them positive. Then I started my period." She kind of looked at me for a minute then said "oh, well that doesn't really count then, does it?"
I guess people figure if there's nothing tangible to hold on to then it doesn't really exist.
Last Sunday a girl (new mom of a 2 mo) said to me while i held her baby for the first time "It's probably a good thing you lost your baby b/c it could have been born with downs syndrome and who wants a downs syndrome child??"
As a mother I know what the facts are but it doesn't erase my aching heart any to have it thrown in my face all the time.
I'm so sorry Janelle -
Me either!! Where have I been???
The worst lately for me was someone the other day who doesn't know about my situation said within earshot something about not respecting infertility treatments and "I just think people who can't have babies probably aren't meant to be parents."
I turned to him and said "Do you also think that people who grow tumors shouldn't seek medical attention because they aren't meant to live?" He just looked at me, incredulously. I said "Of course not. They seek help because there have been great advancements in medicine that can cure them."
People are so stupid.
Last edited by barbara_s; 05-07-2010 at 09:57 PM.
STC #1 since March 2008. M/C 7/09, 2/10, 12/10. Taking it one cycle at a time and hoping for a miracle.
I just hate when people say it happened for a reason... right, then tell me the reason. '
Another one I got yesterday was "You know, you can go to counseling" (Because I started to cry when she hugged me)
Bleh...
**Lizzo**
When we lost a twin in our last pg my grandmother said to me "Well, you can't even handle the two you already have, so I am glad that you are not getting two more.."
Maybe we should sticky this one?
Wow...I'm just amazed at how many ways people come up with to kick us while we're down, either intentionally or not. People really just don't think.
WOW! There's grandmotherly compassion for you...When we lost a twin in our last pg my grandmother said to me "Well, you can't even handle the two you already have, so I am glad that you are not getting two more.."
I'm so sorry she said that to you.
Wow - sorry you had to hear that. I know there are people who feel that way about infertility treatments but have been fortunate not to hear any actual negative comments.The worst lately for me was someone the other day who doesn't know about my situation said within earshot something about not respecting infertility treatments and "I just think people who can't have babies probably aren't meant to be parents."
I turned to him and said "Do you also think that people who grow tumors shouldn't seek medical attention because they aren't meant to live?" He just looked at me, incredulously. I said "Of course not. They seek help because there have been great advancements in medicine that can cure them."
People are so stupid.
My remark came from my father. Seeing as he is the guy who is notorious for his double-edged compliments, I shouldn't be surprised. Here goes:
My older sister lost a daughter when she first got married. Just hours after I decided to take my 3 month old son off of life support and watched him die, my father says to me, "At least you got to hold your baby. Pam never did." Now, I'm not comparing my pain to hers because I've had a miscarriage as well. It hurts all the same. But why in the world would he make it about my sister after the hell I just went through just a couple of hours ago? My mom is still a good one. Everytime I talk to her, I get some story about some sick people kidnapping, raping, and killing kids. Thanks for the upbeat news. Really needed it. <rolls eyes>
My Harley Angel 12/13/2004-03/18/2005
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