Secular Confessions

[Gwenn]

Sorry for the DH frustration. I know that sometimes I rely on DH too much, so I feel a slight sense of guilt reading your post, Mylah, but I do understand. I've been the main breadwinner and it's hard to be in that position and then have to shoulder most of the responsibilities of the family as well. It does sound like you need to clarify some things, but I agree that some of it is accepting that people are who they are. There are some things I am very good at, and others you would never want me to deal with. I can try, but I can't be someone I'm not. It's tough.

The Joseph Kony thing strikes me as another example of facebook (and twitter) activism. There's a lot of talk - but what is it people want to come out of it? Do they just want to talk about how evil he is? Do they want to send troops or recommend sanctions? (Since he's not a country, I'm not sure how that either of those would work). I'm not clear on what the agenda is exactly. He does sound like an evil, nasty man I must say.

I did get to the pharmacy today and they had the rest of my pills, so that's a good thing. Same girl was there, we had the exact same beginning of our conversation from yesterday, down to her asking me for my last name after she had already asked me to name and spell my last name.

And the good news today is that Gwennie seems to have a tapeworm. We haven't had an issue with worms in the past - she is 8 and Nero is 11. But now we have worms. We bought an over the counter de-wormer and we'll see how that goes. If it isn't one thing, it's another.

[missychrissy]

Maybe it's not about driving or a necklace, but just that you feel a huge amount of burdens on your shoulders and want someone to relieve you of at least part of them. You're the main breadwinner and the 'mom' or the house, which are both enough on their own to make someone feel overwhelmed.

That's how I took it, but then that's how I feel things are in my own relationship so I assumed that was the case. I don't know about you Myles, but I don't really mind being the breadwinner in and of itself. I'm sure if you were doing what you enjoyed, you wouldn't mind either. Since you're not in love with your job, though, it puts resentment there. I get it. But the whole being responsible and being calm in crisis does get old. It's wearing me down and I'm to the point where if Rich CANNOT change, I CANNOT be with him. Take today for instance-I was on the phone with Bobbie on and off for hours, rushed home to get ready for a funeral. Got the map to where we were going (Rich wouldn't think to do that) and we did the whole heartwrenching funeral thing. We get home at 7:00 at night and we're having dinner and something happens to Rich's facebook on his phone. He starts muttering about it and instantly I feel that sense of dread. I know what's coming. I ignore him 'cause I'm FREAKING TIRED and emotionally raw and I just DO NOT want to deal with it. He doesn't know his email address and cannot log in to his phone. He's *****ing about "why did this happen" and what email did he use? I finally said to log in on his laptop and just fix it because I'm not doing it tonight. He slammed his phone down and said, "I don't f'n need it then." WHY DOES IT HAVE TO ALWAYS BE ME????? I cannot, will not, SHOULD NOT have to fix EVERYTHING!

I know a mobile facebook issue is absolutely nothing compared to losing rental keys in a foreign country. Right now if that happened I think i'd sit on the beach in a ball and just cry. I'm fried, fried, fried, and absolutely DONE with his helpless ways. I need someone I can rely on for something. Anything.

This is going to sound awful, but when I was chatting with my former boss about my sil and her kids losing Danny he said he wished he could give me a hug. I was really upset and I think he could tell. Rich has watched me fall apart, cry, hug our nieces and nephew and HIS sister. He's even hugged all them. Do you think he's done it for me once? Nope.



whoa. I totally didn't mean for all that to come out. But I'm leaving it. I'm so tired. And frustrated. Sorry Myles, I really didn't intend to turn this into an 'about me' post. I'm sure you and your dh will hash it out and be ok. I never thought to work on this issue here and now it's simply too late. I can't and I don't even want to want to.

[missychrissy]

As for Bobbie and her fire, that was the real reason I checked in to APA.

Bobbie told me all about her excitement at school on our way to the funeral. She woke up to her roommates screaming "FIRE!" and she ripped her door open. Her room is just off the kitchen, and it was so full of smoke she couldn't see anything else. She slammed the door closed, put clothes on, grabbed her phone and ran out. She had to run through the kitchen and it was on fire. She said she was terrified. Her roommate was barfing in the hall just outside their dorm from inhaling the fire extinguisher fumes. Bobbie helped her down the stairs and I guess it took a very, very long time before the smoke alarms went off. They have to move out because their kitchen is destroyed. Bobbie was really upset because they were going to split them up, but someone down the hall mentioned a dorm was empty so whoever makes such decisions is letting them stay together.

Bobbie was really upset-in tears over it-because the police were pleasant to her but acted like they were giving interrogations to her roommates. I think I told you they were all black girls (?). Bobbie said it was obvious they were treating them different I asked if it was because she was in her room and obviously not the one that started the fire, but she said that only 1 of the roommates was in the kitchen. The other 3 were all in their bedrooms, so there was no reason to treat them differently. We attended the funeral so I haven't been able to talk to her much more than that. We just got back and she has to rush back so she can move her stuff out tonight.

Danny's funeral was really rough. Jamie stood up and literally blamed herself and apologized to his entire family for giving up on him. I cried. She cried. Rich cried. Syd started crying Brooke (17) and Brandon (15) stood up and talked about their dad. I cried even harder and so did Bobbie. Sydney started losing it. It was awful. Their Aunt Missy (Danny's sister) read a statement Brianna wrote for her Daddy and I swear everyone was sniffling. Omg. If I never, ever see such a thing again, I'll be good.

[Gwenn]

Oh, wow. What a day.

[demigraf]

OMG, Chrissy. Huge and . What an emotionally draining day! I'm so sorry to hear how much pain is visiting your family right now over your loss. I can only imagine what Brianna's note to her father could have said, but I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I am glad to hear Bobbie is ok, though. Does she have to
move?

Also, you definitely don't have to be sorry for using my situation to reflect on your own life. I turn everything into something about me, I feel. The example you gave of his FB log in was very revealing. I would be driven mad if I had to deal with that.

It's things like that example that make me feel like it's a little ok and not unrealistic to hope people can become a little more self-reliant or otherwise change for the better. Anyway, I'm here for you, whatever you ultimately decide.

[Suja]

Hugs, Chrissy! What a day!

[missychrissy]

Oh, wow. What a day.

If I had a nickle for every time someone in here has said that to me these last 18 months or so! lol

It's things like that example that make me feel like it's a little ok and not unrealistic to hope people can become a little more self-reliant or otherwise change for the better. Anyway, I'm here for you, whatever you ultimately decide.

Thank you. And maybe I'm biased, but I do think it's more than a little bit ok to hope someone can become a wee bit more self reliant.

Hugs, Chrissy! What a day!

Another nickel!

[Suja]

I have been meaning to do this for a long time, but I finally went and got some resistance bands and weights, and worked out a little. Very little, all lower body (tomorrow is upper body). Now my legs feel like they're made of noodles. The kidlet wanted to be carried upstairs today, and that was SO hard.

[missychrissy]

I have been meaning to do this for a long time, but I finally went and got some resistance bands and weights, and worked out a little. Very little, all lower body (tomorrow is upper body). Now my legs feel like they're made of noodles. The kidlet wanted to be carried upstairs today, and that was SO hard.

I'm sorry-but that did make me laugh!

[missychrissy]

I hope you're not in too much pain tomorrow. It'll get easier.

Faye (a lady I work with and already love so you'll probably hear about her a lot) wants to start going to the gym at work. We're so busy though so I don't know when we'd have time. There's a huge Active Directory migration going on at the moment. we're hoping when that's over (3 weeks or so) we'll have more time to do it.

[Suja]

I'm sorry-but that did make me laugh!

I'm happy to help.

[Suja]

I hope I'm in pain tomorrow. If not, I'm doing it wrong! I used to work out regularly, but haven't since I had the kid. I don't have the time to go to a gym now, so my plan is to rotate through a bunch of workout videos on Netflix. Lower body, upper body, pilates, yoga, etc. I am not going to set any unrealistic goals, though. The plan is to work out a little more each week, until I start seeing some results. Not going to see it with the sissy weights I'm using now.

[daylilies]

Oh Chrissy! I'm so sorry they're all taking it so hard.

[Bridget]

Why oh why oh WHY does dbf refuse to play poker in a different room in the house. I swear I am about to lose my mind. He has these moments where he needs to focus and he wants it quiet. Or the many, many, many times that the children speak to him and he totally ignores them. Or like tonight when he got a phone call and since he can't get up and leave the room when he answers he expects everyone to stop what they are doing and be quiet. I had turned cleaning up the blocks Sawyer threw all over the room into a game for Kai (after dbf was the one who asked him to clean them up). Kai picked up every last block just as dbf's phone rang and he said randomly into the air, "Everyone be quiet for two minutes so I can take this call."
Well Kai, of course, took one look at the realization he'd cleaned up all the blocks and was very excited about it. He started yammering on about it and dbf got very angry and told Kai to get quiet and then added on an, "I HATE this, EVERY time I'm on the phone!"
Grrrr. I once again suggested he set up a computer somewhere else in the house and he got all hurt about it that I want him "out of the living room" and a bunch of self absorbed comments like that. Our house is so small that honestly, wherever he is won't be far from us. I explained to him that he could set it up in Kai's room and then we could still hang out with him in there but if he needed to take calls or focus on a game he could close the door and we could all still play and do our thing in that room...what its called?
...oh yeah, the LIVING room. Yeesh.

[Gwenn]

One word. Ugh.

[girlwonder]

Chrissy - I'm sorry that your day was so sad and scary and frustrating. Big hugs to you. I'm glad that you are really enjoying your job at least, so that you have a place that you can go to every day where you can be away from the tough stuff.

Mylah - that sounds rough. Give yourself a couple of days to let the bad feelings kind of wash away and then reevaluate. Sometimes if I am really upset about something it tends to feel almost like an emotional hangover that last for a while, especially something unresolved like that. I don't think you are out of line for feeling frustrated, and I know exactly how you felt when you thought about the necklace, like all these negatives started piling up. Maybe in a few days you can figure out in your head how to make yourself feel better about the situation, maybe have the "if he does x and it makes me feel y, then my response will be z". It's so hard sometimes to be married.

Mandy - I would call the manager of that pharmacy and let him/her know what happened. That kind of medication mistake could be very dangerous. And if she is making that kind of simple mistake what else is she screwing up? Sounds like a long and frustrating day for you.

Suja! Yay for exercise! I always forget there's stuff on Netflix - need to go put some in my queue for those days when I can't make it to the gym. maybe JoJo and I could do some yoga together.

JoJo's new thing is dancing and girl has NO rhythm. It is ridiculously funny to watch her dance.

Bridget - I HATE when people take a phone call and don't leave the room! It drives me insane because it is so rude. My dh used to do that a lot. He hasn't done it in a while. I know that he can't really move, but he shouldn't get so upset if stuff goes on when he is recuperating in the middle of where everyone is hanging out.

[girlwonder]

Oh, and I am having a grand time reading the Edgar Rice Burroughs "Barsoom" series! I am such a total nerdy geek and am loving the sci-fi/romance/western thing. They are so easy to read, predictable and pleasant and for some reason just wonderful popcorn right now! So excited.

And I found a place in town that does acupuncture for not much money. They are able to charge a sliding scale fee from $15 to $30 per session because everyone is in one room together. Each person has a recliner and they give you earplugs if you need them and they stick the needles in and you can stay as long as you feel like, take a nap or just zone out, and when you are ready for them to take out the needles just ring the little doorbell at your chair. I am not sold on acupuncture, but this is inexpensive enough for me to give it a try. I am developing a pretty painful heel spur problem that is limiting my ability to exercise and so that is something that i asked him to address today. Also my annoying Reynaud's syndrome in my hands to where if I hold something cold like ice or drink something cold my capillaries in my fingers shut down and all my fingers go numb and turn bloodless white like a corpse for an hour or so. And every morning I have an ice-blended smoothie so every morning I have corpse hands for an hour! Also asked him to stick a needle or two in for that problem. And I am thinking that if I have trouble breathing I can go in for a quickie to see if that will help. I don't know why I am so excited to try something I am not sure I even believe in! I guess after going to the doctor for each of these things and having her shrug her shoulders and tell me just to live with it and paying her $110 per visit for the advice I am willing to try this $15 thing for a while.

[Gwenn]

I can see why you feel that way. DH has had good success with acupuncture. I hope it helps for you.

[missychrissy]

I really hope it worse for you Katy. (hugs) It must be aggravated to get that response from your provider.

Bridget-I wish I knew something clever to say. I can't help but think your dbf is very selfish and doesn't understand how to live as a part of a family unit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I'm too harsh with my opinion of him, and I'm sorry he doesn't do just a little more to make things easier for you.

[Bridget]

Chrissy, that funeral sounds absolutely heartbreaking. I hope that your sil can find a way to stop blaming herself. That is a heavy load for her to carry.

Kai was just explaining to me the difference between a cross and an X. He said an X, the lines cross in the middle. A cross, the line is up near the top. Then he said, "And THAT's why they call him Jesus Cross. Because he died on the cross."
Ah, he's getting quite the education from our little Christian friend. lol

[demigraf]

I meant to say sorry for the tapeworm, Mandy. Those of us who wouldn't mind losing 20 lbs might joke about how they wished they could contract it, but it's no fun when it's happening for real in your fur baby. I hope it clears up and you won't have reason to visit the vet for long time.

Bridget, I agree that's very inconsiderate of M to expect everyone to be silent so he can talk on the phone. If he's chairbound, I'd be tempted to hide his phone in the other room. LOL.

"Jesus Cross". Kai is so cute!

Suja, good on you for the exercise. I hope you're feeling super tight from the waist down today. Speaking of exercise, there is this girl in one of the Zumba classes I go to who appears to be of Indian descent. She has long beautiful wavy hair and dances with bare feet. I started going to that class around the time you started posting in here, so in my silly head I made the connection and I like to pretend she is you when I see her. So you may not have been aware of this but I dance with you on certain Wednesdays.

Katy, that acupuncture place sounds great! Let us know if you find improvement from your visits. I'm curious about acupuncture myself. I've actually been toying with the idea of seeing a naturopath in town. Ever since I've been trying to lose weight and tracking my hunger, I've noted how my appetite spikes at about the 3rd week after my period. The naturopath uses something called bio identical hormone therapy and separately does weight loss programs, so I want to talk to her about the possibility of using her hormone therapy to help control the times I'm a bottomless pit. I too don't know if it's quack medicine, but since the menstrual-related spikes are very real, I think it's worth investigating.

DH and I started working things out over e-mail yesterday. I came home and wasn't sure if he'd read my reply yet. So I was cordial but quiet. Crawled in bed with B at 8:30 and didn't wake until 5:45. So I'm feeling pretty awesome in the sleep dept. I guess we'll talk it out today.

[missychrissy]

I meant to say sorry for the tapeworm, Mandy. Those of us who wouldn't mind losing 20 lbs
might joke about how they wished they could contract it, but it's no fun when it's happening for real
in your fur baby. I hope it clears up and you won't have reason to visit the vet for long time.

Agreed. I'm sorry I missed this before Mandy. I know you've had more than your fair share of vet visits. I hope she feels better soon.

DH and I started working things out over e-mail yesterday. I came home and wasn't sure if he'd read my reply yet. So I was cordial but quiet. Crawled in bed with B at 8:30 and didn't wake until 5:45. So I'm feeling pretty awesome in the sleep dept. I guess we'll talk it out today.

communication is key. I know you know that. Luck!


today I'm so raw. Faye was telling me about her son's friend that passed away from cancer when they were in the 5th grade (her son is now 17 and goes to school with Jesi). I sat here bawling and bawling and couldn't stop. Of course Faye was crying too. We're quite the pair. Poor Scotty is sitting in the cubicle across from me thinking "oh god, what did I get myself into?"

[demigraf]

That's so great you found Faye, Chrissy. One of dearest friends used to sit next to me when we worked as telephone operators. It's been a 15+ year friendship now. Work life can be a real bonding experience.

[missychrissy]

That's so great you found Faye, Chrissy. One of dearest friends used to sit next to me when we worked as telephone operators. It's been a 15+ year friendship now. Work life can be a real bonding experience.

I like to think our bond was nearly instantaneous. She's a real darling and fun and upbeat. And also quite sensitive and caring. She's religious but she didn't even blink when I said I wasn't religious. It hasn't impacted our friendship in the least.

[demigraf]

I wanted to share an excerpt from my reply to DH. It's pretty much the substance of our argument - him claiming to feel "helpless" and me saying he's not and why does he have to be so grumpy in the meantime. I know the discussion kind of meanders; I was trying to just get all my thoughts down and catch a train:

... I would suggest that perhaps if you learned some stress management techniques (yoga?), you could develop calmer, less panicked and less angry responses to pressure situations. I feel like your reactions [today] are sometimes more destructive than constructive.

ETA: I removed some of what I'd pasted in earlier because it felt like too much dirty laundry out in the open. but I left in what I hope will change in our relationship. Things are still very tense in the house between us, but I'm hopeful there will be a meaningful shift after this whole exchange.

[Suja]

Missed the tapeworm, Mandy. Khan got it a couple of years ago. We think from the wildlife around here. A couple of doses of Droncit (as far as I know, it's the only available medication for it) cleared it up.

Bridget, I'm with Chrissy on your DBF. He sounds like an inconsiderate oaf. DH also has a habit of ignoring the kid when he's "doing something important", and it drives me up a wall. Most of the time, she just wants him to acknowledge his existence. And then he has the nerve to tell me that it's rude of me to interact with Mira when I'm also on the phone. It's not like I do that when I'm on a client call; if my friends and family don't understand, then I really don't need to be talking to them.

"Jesus Cross" - he's getting quite the edumication, huh?

I'm a little sore today, but not too bad. I did find out however that running is a bad idea. I left my hoodie in the car when I dropped off the kid the morning, and it was so windy, so I tried to run back to the car. Ouch! It's interesting that I used to be able to do those exact same things on the video with much heavier weights for longer, but I guess it's good to get started.

Myles, does she look like/dance like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DovUEruZ2q4&ob=av3n 'Cause you know, that's totally me.

[daylilies]

The phone is an issue here too. We do leave the room when we make or take a phone call, but Josh follows.

So it was quite an excursion to Dorchester today. I always forget how much I hate driving in and around Boston. I put the address in the GPS and when it said I was there, there was nothing there. I called the number and the automated directions said "follow signs to the Expo Center". I did that, okay, then what? I had to stop somewhere else and ask where it was. Turned out the office of civil documents or whatever it's called is in a huge building with no indication of what's inside, that I actually drove by like 5 times.

So finally I got to registration and he's all set. He has his hearing test and skills assessment later this summer.

[Bridget]

Mylah, I think your email is very clear about what you need. Did he respond?

The thing that I tried to explain to to dbf, and the thing that I have explained several times, is that he can tell Kai he needs two minutes of silence but A) Kai doesn't know how long 2 minutes is B)The second Kai sees that all the blocks are off the floor, that takes over. He's not thinking, "Screw Dad, I want to talk loud. He's thinking, "I am a freaking superhero for cleaning up the blocks!"

I feel bad because my brother wants me to come to brunch on sunday with my cousin and him and I'm telling him I can't make it. I can't leave the kids alone with dbf for that long with his arm. He's basically not supposed to move it at all and that's impossible even with just Savana and Kai and I know he will try to do things and then it will be forever my fault that the healing was botched. Also, it has to be really important for me to load my kids up and drive 45 minutes to eat at a place where Kai likely won't be able to have anything he really wants (gluten free restuarant eating is not easy) and I'll be keeping them all occupied so they don't annoy anyone. I don't get to talk or relax and then just to load them all back up to drive home while Sawyer screams in his carseat the whole time. No thanks. My brother just doesn't get it. I know he thinks I'm just being a big party pooper. I hate that. I liked it better when he thought I was fabulous. I suppose I've become quite a bit less fabulous since having 3 kids.

[daylilies]

I think you're still fabulous, it's just that you're fabulous to us now ;) I'm sorry your brother doesn't understand. Didn't you say he wants to be a preschool teacher or something?

[demigraf]

Aw, Bridget. I'm guessing your brother has spent a lot of time around your family and understands by now just how vigilant you have to be to watch over 3 children. If you didn't go to brunch on Sunday, it'd be the sensible thing to do in your situation, and not the party pooper thing to do. I wish he could see that.

Kate, glad you made it back from Dorchester in one piece. I really dislike DH's GPS, which we call "Ramona". She can really mess things up for us, especially when she tries to calculate the fastest route in bumper to bumper traffic. Sometimes she just sends us off the freeway and tells us to get back on again, and no that's not the fastest route.

Suja, yes, that's exactly how I pictured you. That woman is beautiful.

No, DH & I haven't really chatted yet. I'm a little afraid of his response. Asking someone to change and be less reactive/more calm is a tall order - kind of like asking someone to change his accent. I know that. Yet, I think he's really got to work on his stress & grumpiness; his bad attitude is particularly galling considering all I do for our family. I feel unappreciated, to say the least. DH's father is very much like Red on That 70's Show, and I think he gets a lot of it from him. DH goes back and forth between the extremes of being grumpy Red and this flustered deer caught in headlights. I'll try to be more accepting of him if he at least tries to be more even keel. Like Katy said, it ain't easy being in a long-term committed relationship.