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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #28501
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    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    Lydia, I hope baby is better.

    Erin, I love your stories. I used to have a cat Whitey; I named him when I was 2. He was deaf, an outdoor cat who was universally known (at least in my family) as The Greatest Kitty Of All Time, The Cat Whom All Other Cats Must Live Up To. He was an amazing kitty. He used to let my sister and dress him up in doll clothes and wheel him around in a doll stroller. He used to put his paw on the street to feel if cars were coming because he couldn't hear. He used to tap on the window with his paw when he wanted inside. He preferred to be outdoors but if my sister and I were sick, he'd "sit vigil" and not leave our side, even for food. If we were both sick, he'd alternate between our rooms. He also loved every other kitty or dog that made a cameo in out house over the 24 years he was alive. We really loved Whitey.

    Now my two cats are in permanent outdoor exile because the older one started peeing on everything when Abbey was born and DH kicked them out. There are *very* few things that make DH put his foot down, but the cats destroying our last house made him really not want them inside ever again. I can see why. Remember that discussion a few pages back about what animal excrement was the worst? It's cat urine. Trust me. It's usually impossible to figure out where they've done it until it's been happening for months, and the smell never really goes away because it soaks into the carpet pad. And it SMELLS.
    I agree, cat pee is the worst. Chicken **** would be right up there, but who keeps them in the house? I my kitty, but she's the last one I'll ever have. I'm tired of keeping up with her litter box. I can't imagine loving another cat as much as I do her.

    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    Chrissy, I don't think it's naive at all to think your feelings for Rich could return. I have never been married to an addict, but I was raised by one. She became sober for good when I was around 18. At that point, our relationship was (understandably) a complete mess. I didn't trust her or trust her ability to stay sober, and had a lot of pure anger built up into a nice wall of contempt. In my situation, time did allow me to believe in her sobriety and see her for the person she became. I think it took maybe 3 or 4 years before I really saw her as an amazing person again.

    It's also really difficult to see clearly when you are clinically depressed. There's a tendency to focus on every negative aspect of every situation and relationship, usually culminating in a general feeling of "what's the point?" or giving up. I'm sorry that you in that space right now and I hope you can find a way out, not necessarily a way out of your circumstances, but at least a way out of your emotional burdens.
    Thank you for this. That first paragraph is exactly how I feel-I don't feel like I can ever trust him to stay sober. It doesn't help that although he admits it is a problem, he won't go for treatment. I will not tell him to do it either for the same reason I won't do couples counseling-because I don't want him doing it just because I said to. I don't think that's the right reason, and I don't think any meaningful change would come of it. He's always had an issue with alcohol, but as soon as I get to my breaking point he quits. He has stayed sober for as long as 3+ years at a time, but he always starts again. So I'm living in a state of mind where I'm constantly wondering when it will start up again.

    I'm very glad for your sake, and your mom's, that you were able to forgive her and let all that go and see the wonderful person that she is. That gives me hope, but at the same time it concerns me. I cannot do this for 3-4 years. I know every relationship is different and maybe it won't take me that long...but it might take me longer. And what is this doing to our kids? Lots of questions (and no, I don't expect anyone to answer them for me, I'm just thinking out loud here)

    When I first thought about leaving (back in August?) I was adamant I was done. Done done-forever. Then we had a huge flood and there weren't any apartments available. Actually, that's still an issue because 75% of my town's homes, apartments, and businesses were significantly damaged during that flood and many places aren't habitable yet. And those that have been repaired are quite spendy. Anyway, by November I was thinking that maybe a break would do us both good. If I leave it doesn't mean we have to be divorced or separated forever. Maybe being away from him will help me let go of some of that anger/resentment. Maybe missing him would be a good thing.

    Again, I'm just thinking out loud. The con to leaving and taking a break from our relationship is that there are 4 other people besides us that would be impacted. It would break Rich's heart. I would devastate our kids. I don't want to be the cause of hurting them and that's really the biggest hang up I have. If it were just me alone, I'd have been gone a long time ago. At least to test my theory about having a break as being a cure for what ails us.

    Ok-I feel better. I got all the ugly thoughts out. Tomorrow is a new day and at least I'll be at work. Right now, that's my happy place. :/

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  2. #28502

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    Chrissy, I'm sorry I'm late in responding, but I just wanted to give you a big, squeezy . Molly pretty much said it all. Just be kind to yourself while you take steps to figure everything out, ok?

  3. #28503

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    I wasn't on all weekend, so I'm a little late to the show.

    Myles, I work with a guy just like that and it drives.me.nuts. Bridget, you are a better person than I am, I don't think I would have gone. I'm glad she did a better job this time! Chrissy, I'm sorry you are dealing with this and that your home life is so unhappy right now. hugs.
    AKA Lisa724

  4. #28504
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    Thanks everyone. Today is better...but I'm at work. How sad is that? It was a long weekend.

    On a very happy note (for me) I found out that a young woman that I talk to on the bus is the daughter of someone I worked with at the mental health clinic. The young woman's name is Alexis and her mom's name is Ellen. When Ellen left mental health I actually cried because I liked her so much. And no, I don't always cry about leaving jobs or losing coworkers! That was probably the one other time when I did that. Anyway, she often comes up to Ithaca because she has a sick dog (and Cornell has one of the best animal hospitals in the world) so hopefully I'll get to see her very soon. I cannot express how happy/excited I am about this. Alexis is as darling as her mother and now she's someone I support at work.

    It is a little strange that I remember Ellen talking about Aly and she was only in high school then. I'm between them in age I think. Ellen was maybe 10-ish years older than me, and her daughter is about 10-ish years younger. Anyway, a part of why I loved Ellen so much was because she was an excellent mother and I got many tips/ideas about how to deal with teens (something I was afraid of at the time) by listening to her. Essentially, I didn't have a mother of my own so I always adopted surrogate mothers to emulate in my own parenting. Ellen was one of the best.
    Last edited by missychrissy; 02-20-2012 at 07:15 AM.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  5. #28505
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    3andMe is offline Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks? Hopelessly Devoted
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    Chrissy, I am so sad for you. It does not seem reasonable that you should be having to deal with so much turmoil and stress right now, but I am glad that you are being proactive about counseling and taking the steps that you see fit to make things better. And I'm sure it was hard being the cold hand of reality with Rich regarding the car payments, but it needed to be done.

    Myles, I work with someone that I consider very abusive and half a crackpot also. Luckily I don't see him all the time, but I always get into fight-or-flight mode when he's around.

    I took DS on a date on Saturday, all day by myself. I don't think I've ever done it. This is to counteract the loving DH more than me, and wishing everyone else would die. We think it's because he's been going out solo with DH a lot and having a ton of fun with him, he is hoping that if everyone else died except him and DH, he would live a life of solo expeditions with him. We took the ferry to San Francisco, had brunch at the Ferry Building, then rode in an old-fashioned streetcar, then went to the Aquarium by the Bay, then took a bicycle taxi back to the ferry home. He hopped and ran circles around me from dawn til dusk. He was so excited and so happy.

    The next day DH took Claire out on a solo expedition (something he rarely gets to do) and I had the two boys. I took them to Children's Fairyland in the morning, and ran into an APA mama I hadn't seen in a long time. DS was running around, leaping in front of the bubble machine and climbing all over various things while we were chatting. Baby S. was also running around. She looked at me in astonishment. "Are they always this active?" Oh yes. I felt like I had it easy, with only two.
    Last edited by 3andMe; 03-02-2012 at 03:30 PM.


  6. #28506
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    L, that sounds like it was a good idea to have each of you take a twin out that you don't normally do alone stuff with. Sounds like it was a good time with you and DS. And that baby is feeling better even if cranky.

    Chrissy, I'm sending you big Really from an outside perspective, it still sounds like depression talking. I think that if you give it some time with the counseling and meds, things will be clearer. Just being winter doesn't help any.
    I also don't think that it would be bad if you did force him get help. Even if he did go into it for the reason of just trying to make you happy, eventually he might do it and stick with it for the right reasons.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  7. #28507

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    L, how nice to have one on one time with the kids. Two of my nieces are 2 years apart, and it was always so nice when I'd have one on one time with them. You get to really know the child so much better.

    Chrissy, how great you were able to reconnect with your friends. I am sorry your weekend was so long. Do you think it would help you to take a long weekend some place warm? Just to get away, sit on the beach, and read. It's nice this time of year in SW Florida.
    Shelley-mom to DS, 6

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    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    I asked him if his ears hurt. "NOOOOOoooo!"
    I asked him if his tummy hurt. "Nooooo!"
    I asked him if he needed to poop. "Noooooo!"
    I asked him if his head hurt. "NOOOOOOOO!"
    I asked him if his throat or his mouth hurt. "NOOOOOoooooo!"
    I asked him if he wanted a tissue. "Yeah."
    I asked him if he wanted me to pick him up. "NOOOOOOooooo!"
    I asked him if anything hurt. "NOOOOOOOOO!"
    I asked him if he was just mad. "Yup."

    It was awful.
    Oh no. Poor little tyke. And poor mama!

    Quote Originally Posted by raspberry View Post
    Chrissy, how great you were able to reconnect with your friends. I am sorry your weekend was so long. Do you think it would help you to take a long weekend some place warm? Just to get away, sit on the beach, and read. It's nice this time of year in SW Florida.
    Ironically, I was just talking to my dh about doing something like that last night. But I wondered how much it would really help. And the idea made me feel very selfish and guilty.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  9. #28509

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    chrissy don't feel guilty or selfish. The way I look at it, it's no different than going out of town on a business trip. Just a few days to yourself to relax and do nothing at all. The change of scenery, and change in weather might be just what you need.
    Shelley-mom to DS, 6

  10. #28510

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    Hey guys, I was at my dad's house Sunday through a little while ago. I forgot my laptop!

    Chrissy, (hugs)
    L I'm so sorry S is still not well.
    I don't think it's selfish to take a trip yourself, Chrissy. I think everyone has their own needs and you don't always have to be attached at the hip to your partner (especially if you're having problems). Sometimes just a few days away offers a good perspective on things.

    We went to a Petco adoption day the other day and met a cute, nice beagle. We filled out an application I just took Josh to visit him at the shelter and he was much happier and energetic than he was at the store. I understand he has a few applications from other people though, so we have to see if the manager picks us. Fingers crossed!

  11. #28511
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    I agree, Chrissy. You should do something nice for yourself. You need to recharge your batteries. (hugs)

    I have been sick for over a month now; started with a sore throat then a cough, now full of snot and my sinuses are killing me! (Woe is me!)

    We picked Travis' glasses today; I'll post a pic on Weds when we go pick them up. He did really well with the eye drops to dilate his eyes.

    Oh, and a TMI to share with y'all. DH had to do a sample today to take to the hospital to test his vasectomy worked. I was out with Travis at the opticians when he 'produced' the sample. When I came home, I went to the bathroom and on the countertop was an Oasis song book. When he came home I said to him, "Is that what you used to get you in the mood to do a sample?!" Crazy guitarist!

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    LOL! Whatever works, I guess!

  13. #28513
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    Ash that is great that he was a little trooper! Can't wait to see how cute he looks in the glasses. And well Oasis is at least pretty good music. At least 1-2 of those songs are on my all-time favorite list.

    Kate, good luck on the little beagle. My Molly is part beagle. She has her excited moments and will start running around like a bat out of heck for no real reason...but she's often just as happy lying around in front of the fireplace (and I don't think that is her poodle side). she's five months old already!
    plus the little guy might have been a bit scared at the store but once in familiar territory was more himself.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    We went to a Petco adoption day the other day and met a cute, nice beagle. We filled out an application I just took Josh to visit him at the shelter and he was much happier and energetic than he was at the store. I understand he has a few applications from other people though, so we have to see if the manager picks us. Fingers crossed!
    Good luck! I hope he is a perfect fit for your family, and you get him.

    Chrissy, I don't think wanting a break is at all selfish. You need to be healthy and happy and clear thinking, and if a weekend getaway will help, then you should totally do it.

    Can't wait to see Travis in his glassses. Bet he looks super cute.

    Oh, today is Khan's 11th Got Day. Here is my old man:


  15. #28515
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    Good luck Kate!!!


    Khan is very handsome!


    I'd do the weekend away just for a break, but I really don't think it would do any good.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    OMG, Ashley, I'm cracking up about the Oasis song!

    Kate, good luck with the beagle. A beagle would be a great dog for Josh, I think.

    Suja, Khan is beautiful! Did you all enjoy your frozen custards?

    Chrissy, a vacation somewhere warm is a great idea. Not selfish at all. That's great about working with your former co-worker's daughter! Small world.

    L, poor baby S. I really hope he feels better soon. For all of your sakes.

    My kitty had to go back to her dermatologist for a re-check of her skin disorder today. Our old doctor left so this is a new doctor. DH took the cat and really liked the new doctor. She had a steroid shot and antibiotic today, and they want to do a blood panel in the next two weeks. The doctor is also talking about doing comprehensive allergy testing. I have no idea how much that costs but it sounds very expensive. The kitty goes through cycles where she is very, very sick (refusal to eat, dropping weight, hiding in the closet all the time) and this steroid shot is the only thing that has helped her. It works well, but it is very expensive and we need to put aside money for me to do another IUI next month. If I have to spend all my money on the cat I will never be able to afford the darn IUI. I was worrying about paying for it before we had to pay the kitty dermatologist. I just feel like I'm hitting a wall with finances. The only time in the last 3.5 years we have not had to worry financially has been when DH was deployed. I'm getting really tired of working hard and not being able to afford the things I need.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  17. #28517

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    Khan is a beautiful dog!!! Happy Birthday to him!

    Our dog Bruno will be 3 in a couple weeks. I am hoping that he will start acting more mature. He is about 100lbs and still acts like a puppy running around all excited and bumping into things and making Elle say "STOP RUNNING BRUNO!!!" about 30 times in a row and screaming in between. He used to knock her over when she was trying to learn to walk and I don't think she has forgotten. DH asks her why is she always screaming at him and she says because Bruno will knock her down. So I think she has flashbacks of when she was 18 months old and Bruno stayed in the house more often then and used to knock her down at least 3-4 times per week.

    I was supposed to go to work today but didn't because my stomach was hurting. I decided not to do anything yesterday, my day of, except lay in the bed and watch interesting shows, play with Elle a bit and talk to Ky and watch Downton Abbey and "Behind the Scenes" of Downton Abbey. So DH cooked dinner and re-heated some blackeyed peas that he had frozen a few weeks ago that we didn't eat entirely and I think they made me ill. I feel better now but am bummed because I am behind at work with an audit coming up so now I will have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow.

    Chrissy wanted to send hugs from me too. And I think it would also be good for you to go away for a few days. I know I usually go somewhere I want to go every year for my birthday. I was thinking of going to NYC this year to see a play or something but with DH doing all of this traveling to Chicago recently (he will probably have to go back again on the 3rd of March) and since we may have to pay up front for him to get an apartment in Chicago, I don't have any extra money to do my annual birthday trip so I am kind of bummed about it.

    Ash, so good to hear Travis' appointment went well. I hate having my eyes dilated or anything to do with eye exams really, even though I know I need to get one soon.

    Erin

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    I hope the tests aren't expensive. Poor kitty. Our dog has an awful skin condition. After we moved, I tried to buy the dog food from the local vet but they said we needed a script to get it. I haven't made it out to the vet where we used to go to get her food, so she's been eating what I can buy at the pet store. Her skin is getting bright red and tough feeling again. I really need to make her an appointment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    I'm getting really tired of working hard and not being able to afford the things I need.
    And yeah, that plays into it as well. Between my two older girls and their medical bills this last year, I feel like that's all I work for. We do have 'good' insurance, but even that doesn't cover everything. We've had a lot of out of pocket expenses. It's so aggravating.

    I don't want to get too excited, but I am. Conner is sitting on his potty trying to go poop right now.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    Chrissy wanted to send hugs from me too. And I think it would also be good for you to go away for a few days. I know I usually go somewhere I want to go every year for my birthday. I was thinking of going to NYC this year to see a play or something but with DH doing all of this traveling to Chicago recently (he will probably have to go back again on the 3rd of March) and since we may have to pay up front for him to get an apartment in Chicago, I don't have any extra money to do my annual birthday trip so I am kind of bummed about it.

    Erin
    I hope something happens that you can get a chance to go somewhere.

    I'm really thinking about it. I just don't have any idea where I'd go.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  20. #28520
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    Yay, Conner! That's great!

    The office visit with shots today was over $200 (a vet detmatologist is really expensive) and if we do the blood work it's another $300+. She didn't quote a price for allergy testing but I can imagine that being quite pricy.

    For comparison, my IUI + all meds and ultrasounds last month was $550. Which is pretty much identical to the cost of the vet visit, shots, and blood work. I can't do both of those things every month. Or even one of those things every month.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  21. #28521
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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I don't want to get too excited, but I am. Conner is sitting on his potty trying to go poop right now.
    Nope. Spoke too soon. He's never going to poop on the potty.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I hope something happens that you can get a chance to go somewhere.

    I'm really thinking about it. I just don't have any idea where I'd go.
    AZ is warm this time of year.... Just sayin'...
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    Nope. Spoke too soon. He's never going to poop on the potty.
    He tried, though...
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  24. #28524
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Yay, Conner! That's great!

    The office visit with shots today was over $200 (a vet detmatologist is really expensive) and if we do the blood work it's another $300+. She didn't quote a price for allergy testing but I can imagine that being quite pricy.

    For comparison, my IUI + all meds and ultrasounds last month was $550. Which is pretty much identical to the cost of the vet visit, shots, and blood work. I can't do both of those things every month. Or even one of those things every month.
    Ugh. How frustrating. You probably can't get pet insurance with a pre-existing condition can you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    AZ is warm this time of year.... Just sayin'...
    I know! And I wish. Flying anywhere right now would be out of the question. i have just enough to put myself up in a hotel room for a weekend and feed myself...maybe do some sightseeing. That's it.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    He tried, though...
    I know. I'm just getting so frustrated. I'm trying very hard not to show it of course, but it's hard. He's 5.5 years old. I don't know what the deal is.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  26. #28526
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    I haven't tried pet insurance, but as you say it's a pre-existing condition so I'm sure they wouldn't cover it.

    Sometimes just a weekend in a hotel is lovely. My mom and I drove to Phoenix for a concert last year and stayed in a hotel there. It was so much fun to just get out of the house for a change of pace. I wouldn't have cared where I was, it was just fun to be at the hotel, even with as much as I hate Phoenix.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    I'd still look into pet insurance. Who knows what they'd say.

    I have to figure out where I want to go. Upstate NY is pretty limited for activities this time of year...at least for people like me that only like being outside if it's over 75 out!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  28. #28528
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    Maybe so, but it's the type of place that would have a lot of little bed and breakfast places, I would think.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  29. #28529

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    Khan is gorgeous! I love that look.
    I'm sorry Connor still won't poop on the toilet, Chrissy. It must be so frustrating. Can you have a good talk with him about it? Just try to get down to his level and find out what's going on?

  30. #28530
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    He will not discuss it. Not at all.

    We're finally being 'mean' about it. He cannot have any of his favorite toys till he poops on the potty. We've bribed, done stickers, tried M&Ms, other rewards...I even told him he could get a guinea pig (he asked for one a few times) if he'd just poop one time on the potty. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he won't make eye contact and he purses his lips. I can't get him to say anything about it.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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