Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

I would pick hot and muggy over cold any day. I used to say it's because I was born in a tropical climate, but I guess not if you can be born in India and prefer the cold. Thanks for throwing my hypothesis out the window, Suja! LOL.

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Chrissy, , it sounds like you had a really tough conversation last nite. I can see how hard you're trying to be a friend to Rich. Feel free not to answer this, but can you talk with us more about what's missing? Do you feel like he lacks independence and initiative (as you'd mentioned before)? Or is it mainly that you don't feel a certain way about him that you want to feel for your husband? Or maybe there are things he needs to work on, where, if they went away, you'd actually want to stick around? Honestly, you don't have to respond. I'm just curious and want to be able to provide feedback where I can.

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Speaking of high fives, Santi has just this week started to greet B in the mornings with a deep embrace and a kiss on the lips. I want to offer a correction, but don't want it to seem like it's because I'm anti-gay. I'd be uncomfy with it even if it were a girl buddy doing it that way. Santi's mommy is just very hands on, an so that's how he must have learned to show affection. It's actually very sweet and cute, but probably an area where some guidance is appropriate. Should I teach them a new special handshake just for them?

Hey, we've had this conversation before too. I was born and raised in upstate NY (quite near Ithaca actually) and I loathe the cold with a passion. I much prefer heat and humidity doesn't bother me at all.

As for me and Rich, it's a combination of things. He leaves all the decisions up to me and because of the years he spent drinking and some of the stuff he did, and didn't do for the family, during that time built up a lot of resentment. So no, I don't feel for him like I used to.

I think I'd ignore the kissing because I'm sure they'll outgrow it.

[Smplyme89]

So I guess I am the only weirdo who dislikes the sunshine. It's hot, it's bright, and it burns me like a lobster

[daylilies]

About the kissing thing-I believe personal space should be taught the earlier the better. We're working on that with Josh-he is always getting so close to us that he's stepping on our toes or standing right behind us so we trip over him all the time, and he gets in the cats' faces which doesn't bother them but not all animals are as docile as they are. Some kids really hate other kids getting too close so we're working on it.

I am not going to join the commune....but can we still be friends right?

I had enough of all female living in college going to a women's college.

I had a disasterous time at my women's college but I would not be against a commune full of friends as opposed a bunch of girls I don't really know.


As for the seasons, it really gets me down when it's grey and rainy. Sometimes I'll be really tired one day and not know why until I realize it's the weather. Winter bothers me too, because there's so little to do outside the house but still indoors.

I tried to sign up Josh for karate but one class was already full and the other class is not full enough...so they're going to call me when a space opens up or someone else joins the small class. But we've already missed a week so I don't know how useful it will be for him if he misses a lot. At least we'll get a sampling, maybe.

[Bridget]

I don't know if the weather affect my mood enough to mention. I am even keeled to a fault (so I've been told). But I do prefer sunny and mild. Not too hot. I think dbf would prefer I jump and down and squeal with joy when he gives me good news but that's just not my style Hawaii was perfect weather-wise most of the time. When it was too hot the beach was never far off. But Savana is like a different person in the winter when she cannot go outside as often. She needs to live in a warm climate. We're working on getting her back to Hawaii It is seriously one of the factors in my decision. She is depressed and anxious in the winter.

Mylah, a long embrace and kiss on the lips would not phase me in the least at that age. The love that children feel for each other is comparable in their minds only to love they they feel for us so only natural that they would express it in a similar way. I agree that personal space is an important lesson but I do not think it applies in cases of mutual affection.

[daylilies]

Oh sure, if the other boy doesn't mind I don't have a problem with it. I just cringe when Josh tackles other kids with a hug without any notice or wants to go up to dogs we don't know and pet them without asking (he's pretty good about that now, though)

Not long from now though, unwelcome touches are going to be less accepted (especially when his girl friends get to that "boys are icky" stage LOL)

I was listening to some song on the radio that made me cry and I had to change it before we got to Josh's school. Some country song about the various stages in a child's life and "this won't last for long".

[demigraf]

With Bodhi... I don't know if all the kids are greeted this way but ... when he walks into the room, he's treated like a rock star. I love to watch it happen. Everyone seems so excited when he arrives. The kids jump up and down, drop what they're doing and run over. It must do wonders for his self-esteem. LOL. In general, kissed or not, he looks like he doesn't welcome all the attention 100% (a part of him looks like a deer caught in headlights). With S, he kind stands there and lets the hug and kiss happen, but doesn't really return it. That's possibly because he's pinned by S's great big bear hug. I not only want to teach him personal space; eventually, I'd like to teach him what I feel that particular combination of hug and mouth kiss is reserved for. But I think I agree; my reflex has been to leave it alone for now, and I see it as something that will either adapt to another form of greeting, or can be addressed down the line.

You guys have seen the recurring SNL sketch with the kissing family, right? It's hilarious, and also an extreme example of where physical affection can be too much of a good thing.

[demigraf]

So I guess I am the only weirdo who dislikes the sunshine. It's hot, it's bright, and it burns me like a lobster

Girl, you picked the wrong state to live in then. LOL. I'd love to send some of our fog your way this summer.

As for me and Rich, it's a combination of things. He leaves all the decisions up to me and because of the years he spent drinking and some of the stuff he did, and didn't do for the family, during that time built up a lot of resentment. So no, I don't feel for him like I used to.

Do you see yourself as wanting to let go of the resentment, and is there anything he could do to make up for it? BTW, I am in full support of anything you want to do. When you almost got that other place to live, I was excited for you because I think a change of scenery does wonders for mental clarity. I just want you to feel happy/fulfilled without regrets, mama.

[Cosmosmom]

So I guess I am the only weirdo who dislikes the sunshine. It's hot, it's bright, and it burns me like a lobster

It's not that weird. Like I really feel good when it's sunny...but don't like to be hot. So this month can be when we get some of the brightest days of the year with a brilliant blue sky. But if it's -2 outside.....that sun doesn't feel very hot at all! And you are so bundled up that the sun cannot burn you. But it sure brightens up the mood when you look out the window.

[Smplyme89]

Girl, you picked the wrong state to live in then. LOL. I'd love to send some of our fog your way this summer.

If I had the option I would be somewhere, anywhere else. I keep hoping I'll convince DH to move one day

[daylilies]

Hahah, no, I've never seen that SNL skit. I just watched the one with James Franco He can kiss me like that any time!

It must be awesome for Bodhi to be accepted like that. I have to admit I'm proud when I see a lot of kids calling for Josh on the playground.

[missychrissy]

Do you see yourself as wanting to let go of the resentment, and is there anything he could do to make up for it? BTW, I am in full support of anything you want to do. When you almost got that other place to live, I was excited for you because I think a change of scenery does wonders for mental clarity. I just want you to feel happy/fulfilled without regrets, mama.

I'd love to let go of the resentment, I just don't know how. I have a lot of anxiety about the drinking starting up again in the future too because we've had this cycle 3 times now in our relationship. Well, 4 if you could our very first years when we broke up for 11 months.

I was totally happy with getting my own place, but when I told everyone that I'd actually looked at one, the girls were livid with me. They cried, said stuff....my one daughter sent a text to my brother saying I was being a b1tch and that she'd never come visit me. It's made me re-think things. Sure, I'm miserable now but it's a light kind of misery compared to what it would be if I upset all my kids. And Rich. The idea of him being broken hearted doesn't sit well with me either.

I'm hoping the therapy sessions will help me figure all this out.

[Smplyme89]

It's not that weird. Like I really feel good when it's sunny...but don't like to be hot. So this month can be when we get some of the brightest days of the year with a brilliant blue sky. But if it's -2 outside.....that sun doesn't feel very hot at all! And you are so bundled up that the sun cannot burn you. But it sure brightens up the mood when you look out the window.

That sounds perfect!!!

[Cosmosmom]

I'm leaving work early today. Taking Cosmo into the vet. She has for a while now been prone to bloodshot eyes, especially later in the day. One vet a few years ago said just seasonal allergies. Well recently she has been waking up with bloodshot eyes...like she had a wild night at the bar instead of being in bed with me. Molly likes to jump in her face, climb on her, lick her face (mouth, teeth, eyes...everything). So I want to make sure that she didn't scratch her eye or something. Or maybe there are some drops we can do if it is allergies. She did used to be an almost entirely indoor dog but when we got the house, she has been going outside a lot more. And we have had a very warm winter so even a lot of people have been having an extended allergy season. Doesn't seem to affect her vision and she doesn't seem to be bothered by them. Except this week she has had a number of eye boogers when she doesn't normally have many. So I don't know. We have switched vets since getting Molly so good to get Cosmo established anyway.

[Suja]

-2 is "perfect"? You're a loon! I do agree with the whole 'I like sunshine, but not the heat' mentality, however.

On the kids' hugging/kissing thing, I wouldn't worry about it until they enter the school system. By then, they should be taught about respecting personal space, mostly because school systems can have weird policies about touching.

Chrissy, I hope you can find peace.

[Smplyme89]

I'd love to let go of the resentment, I just don't know how. I have a lot of anxiety about the drinking starting up again in the future too because we've had this cycle 3 times now in our relationship. Well, 4 if you could our very first years when we broke up for 11 months.

I was totally happy with getting my own place, but when I told everyone that I'd actually looked at one, the girls were livid with me. They cried, said stuff....my one daughter sent a text to my brother saying I was being a b1tch and that she'd never come visit me. It's made me re-think things. Sure, I'm miserable now but it's a light kind of misery compared to what it would be if I upset all my kids. And Rich. The idea of him being broken hearted doesn't sit well with me either.

I'm hoping the therapy sessions will help me figure all this out.

I hope you know that girls are not neccesarily lashing out as you, so much as they are at the idea of having a split family. I remember (very selfishly) wanting to my mom to leave (I know opposite issue) my dad and resenting her for staying iwth him. As I got older (and after I met DH) I began to really understand and see things from my moms perspective. In a way I never could before.

I don't know what my point is other than that whatever decision you make, it will be ok. It might take some time for the girls to work through their emotions if you decide to leave, but they will in fact come around. You are an amazing mom and I know that they see that.

[daylilies]

I hope Cosmo is okay, Jennifer!

[Bridget]

Savana came home very upset today that she "got on yellow". They have a behavior system where they stay on green for "being good" and then move to yellow, and eventually red for "bad behavior". I am sorry for all the quotes but I have to be sure that no one thinks that's my terminology. I detest the words good and bad being used to describe children's behaviors. Anyway, she picked up a stick outside at recess and the teacher told her to put it down. Then she forgot and picked up another one a few minutes later. I'm sorry but what a crock of BS. I asked her what she was doing with the stick and she said "looking at it". And I've no doubt that she was. She collects sticks, rocks, leaves, and such all the time 'round here and we encourage it. Anyway, I guess they are not allowed to pick up sticks at school. Why? I mean, is it that difficult for a playground moniter to just moniter the way they are using the sticks? I am sure I'm making to big of a deal but I just feel very passionately about not putting mundane restrictions on children that prohibits them from following their natural instincts. Plus, she is super upset about it. Like, sit on the couch sullenly all night upset about it.

[Suja]

I can understand that rule. Some kid gets poked in the eye with it, and hello, lawsuit! Just let her know there are different rules at school and home, you know it's hard to keep track, and that you understand she wasn't doing anything wrong.

[daylilies]

That is hard. I agree with Suja.

[AbbeysMom]

The kiss on the lips would bug me because of germ-sharing, particularly in the cold season. I would probably try to steer him to kiss on the cheek... actually I think I had to do that with Abbey and her bff.

I need sun too, winter or summer. Colorado was great for that (300 days of sun). Today was blissfully sunny here too, and 70 degrees. It was nice to be outside all day.

Bridget, that's strange about the stick (the rule is strange, IMO). I'd probably tell Savana that life would be pretty boring if she just one color all the time anyway. Maybe tomorrow she can ask her teacher what she has to do to be purple.

I just had a pretty major allergic reaction to jalapeños, of all things. I was literally in the worst pain of my life, it felt like my face and hands were being burned off. I was really worried it scared Abbey (I was screaming with pain before we found some lidocaine and I took a Benedryl). But she was OK, actually she was just helpful and concerned. Good thing her and DH were home.

[Bridget]

Freaky Molly! I would have been terrified!

And yeah, I have told her all those things. That she didn't do anything wrong. THat she just made a mistake. She knows that there are different rules in different places and has understood that since a very young age. It just bugs me anyway. And it's going to weigh on her mind no matter what I say. She won't get her idiotic "treat for being good" at the end of the week either. Do you really think a child getting poked with a stick would result in a lawsuit? What about falling off all the playground equipment? I just think it reeks of overcrowded/unsupervised schooling. Kids should be able to pick up a flippin stick and look at it. If I know Savana she was probably seeing if she could tell what sort of tree it came from. Not saying she'd be able to, but that's the kind of thing she likes to pretend.
Eh, I'm just in a mood. Pms.

[daylilies]

My husband is allergic to jalapenos. I don't think he reacts like that though, he gets ill. IDK, we haven't tested the results in a while

[AbbeysMom]

Then I texted my sisters and they both said they have had terrible reactions to peppers. I should have responded with "you think we can please share this information in the future?" lol

[Gwenn]

So I guess I am the only weirdo who dislikes the sunshine. It's hot, it's bright, and it burns me like a lobster

I like it to a point, but I get tired of it after a long AZ summer and am ready for rain.

Freaky Molly! I would have been terrified!

And yeah, I have told her all those things. That she didn't do anything wrong. THat she just made a mistake. She knows that there are different rules in different places and has understood that since a very young age. It just bugs me anyway. And it's going to weigh on her mind no matter what I say. She won't get her idiotic "treat for being good" at the end of the week either. Do you really think a child getting poked with a stick would result in a lawsuit? What about falling off all the playground equipment? I just think it reeks of overcrowded/unsupervised schooling. Kids should be able to pick up a flippin stick and look at it. If I know Savana she was probably seeing if she could tell what sort of tree it came from. Not saying she'd be able to, but that's the kind of thing she likes to pretend.
Eh, I'm just in a mood. Pms.

I'm sorry about what happened. But yes, these things do and have resulted in lawsuits. Public schools have to be extremely careful because there are parents that move from district to district and state to state and sue one district after another, just so they can make money. My mother dealt with one of these families, and other people I've known have known other families like that. It's really, really, sad but just about everything has to be prevented in advance of a lawsuit. I know - it's the reason for the mounds of paperwork I have to complete for every child I see.

The playground monitors in schools I have worked in get upset if they see kids with sticks, too. There are so few of them vs. so many children that they just can't count on being in a position to prevent poking/throwing so they just expect the kids to stay away from sticks. I hate it for all the reasons you do, but I understand the reason behind it.

[daylilies]

So sorry Now you know! (this was in response to Molly's jalapeno reaction by the way ;))

[missychrissy]

Not only do they have to worry about one child swatting another with a stick, but they also have to worry about the child that's holding the stick falling and impaling herself on it. There are simply far too many kids to adequately watch them all with stuff like this, so it's easier to make a rule like this for everyone.

I think it's stupid that she won't get a prize just for that though. it seems like a small thing to me.

[Ky'sMom]

I also understand the stick rule. We have that one as well. Ky's school gets recess every day for 30 minutes and they are not allowed to play with sticks or pick up rocks, all the stuff Ky usually likes to do at the park, and they actually don't have that many kids. Two grades go out at once for recess, Ky is in 4th and the 2nd graders also come out with his grade. Ther are 48 kids all together for each recess period and 6 teachers/assistants watching so they have specific rules about not picking up things due to lawsuits like Mandy mentioned. It is ridiculous but that is the price we pay for having to deal with idiotic, sue-happy people. And people do sue if their child falls off of playground equipment and gets hurt. It has happened at a city park here in Atlanta years ago which was when they re-did a lot of playgrounds and closed/took out all of the playground equipment of others that they deemed "un-safe" in order to protect the city from future lawsuits.

Chrissy I also wanted to send hugs to you. Ironically I was going to ask questions similar to what Myles asked. It is very hard to decide to forgive someone and even harder to actually do it. Years ago I made it a mission of mine to learn to forgive people and had to remind myself daily that I wasn't letting someone get away with something horrible they have done to me. I was making the best decision for my life to move forward instead. I forgive very easily now. The first person I forgave was my step father for abusing me. It took years after I decided to forgive him to actually forgive and let it go. It is easy in comparison to forgive my own DH for the things he has done to me. Especially since I love him and he is not a horrible, evil person unlike my step father. But even so it still takes a while. Like I said yesterday I am still mad at him for the way he was when I was PG with and after having Elle. I know it will take a long time for me to be fully over it, but I have forgiven him and I decided to start fresh with him and move forward.

I so hope you have more peace this year. I thought of you on NYE and hoped that 2012 will bring tons of positive changes into your life and your family.

Erin

[Ky'sMom]

I think it's stupid that she won't get a prize just for that though. it seems like a small thing to me.

Forgot to say that ITA with this. I don't see how that situation constitutes a move from green to yellow anyway. From how you described it, it seems like a very miniscule part of the day. I don't know if I would speak to the teacher about it thought just because it is such a small thing, but I would probably make sure to do something special with Savana this weekend in order to celebrate her being all around good anyway and for having a great week at school.

Ah kindergarten....I am reminded how Ky was rarely on green LOL! He talked too much and rarely stayed "on task" but I LOVED his teacher and she made it a point to explain to all us parents that the colors weren't an indication of good or bad that all of her kids were good. The colors were just a reminder to the child of how we should behave in school. Also in our school you could get back "on green" by being helpful and considerate of others and staying on task and following directions. Most of the kids ended up "on green" by the end of the day even Ky with his talking self.

And that is too cute Myles about Bodhi the daycare rock star! Elle is similar at her daycare. She was cracking me up last week talking about how her friends were missing her while she was on Christmas vacation. She kept saying that they were going to want to know everything that Santa brought her and they would want to see all her pretty new outfits. She has worn a new outfit every day to school this week and it was hilarious because I brought her to school on Tuesday and she walked in and her best friend J was like "Hey! It's Ellasyn!!!" and she said "Yes, it's me, it's Ellasyn" like she was a movie star and they proceeded to tell her how much they missed her and asked her what she got for Christmas, everything that she had told me they were going to ask. It was really cute.

Erin

[missychrissy]

I so hope you have more peace this year. I thought of you on NYE and hoped that 2012 will bring tons of positive changes into your life and your family.

Erin

aww, thank you.

I do forgive easily and I don't hold grudges. A part of me wonders if I was too forgiving of Rich, especially in the beginning. Maybe if I'd put my foot down more about the drinking and how he acted...but that's a what if and that kind of circular thinking doesn't help. I do know at some point I'll forgive him and let go of all the anger and resentment. I guess the part I'm really struggling with is wondering 1) is it worth it to try one more time? Like I said, this was our 4th cycle. It's exhausting. and 2) if I do give it another try, what if I find out that all my love for him is just gone and won't ever come back? I mean the 'in love' love. I'll always love him. He's the father of my children and we've had a great many good experiences together.

[Bridget]

Yes, I see what you all are saying. I understand the stick rule. Like I said, just over emotional here. I just hate to see her stressed about "being good" when she tries so hard. She just went to bed crying that she isn't going to get her prize and she's afraid she'll cry in front of her friends.

Erin, I think your capacity for forgiveness is pretty amazing. As I've grown older I have also learned not to hold grudges and to just let go.
Chrissy, I do think I understand how you feel. I hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make. I feel like maybe you need to be selfish and do what feels right for you. The rest of the family may have their own opinions but when it's all said and done, they will be fine. And why should you have to live in misery?