Secular Confessions

[Smplyme89]

If it's ok, I'd like to add a new acronym to our Secular Confessions lexicon:

SCUBJIA - "still catching up but jumping in anyway", for times like now when I've been away for less than a week, and it'll take me just as long to read the pages that I missed in my absence, but I'd still like to chime in and say hello. I always feel self-conscious when I'm SCUBJIA that it may seem like I'm ignoring something important because I hadn't read it yet.

I'm the same way which is why I don't post too much. I usually catch up it just takes me a while.

Life is crazy

I hope all you ladies are donig well I'm like 3 pages behind right now

[missychrissy]

The session was good. I cried.
I though of you guys when I told her that some mothers had told me I need to not take his behavior personally and that I don't know how to do that. She basically said he's not actively trying to hurt my feelings and that it's narcissistic to think about how his behaviors are affecting me. So I guess I have to figure out how to detach my feelings from this person who means everything to me and who I feel is a reflection of myself and my parenting, which I suppose is narcissistic too.

That really sounds rough.

[daylilies]

I don't think diapers would help. I'm not sure that's how I want to go about it. I don't really mind that he has to change. I think he feels the wetness but doesn't mind it.

Speaking of that, we learned that MIL was up until very recently, putting him in diapers when he sleeps overnight. He very rarely wets the bed at night but I guess she didn't want to risk dealing with wet sheets.
SCUBJIA...I love it!

[missychrissy]

I admit, I've been tempted to put Conner back in diapers. Last night he told me he was a big boy now and I instantly said, "So that means you're going to poop on the potty, right?" I could tell it hurt his feelings.

[Ky'sMom]

So good to hear your appointment went well Kate. It is great when you have a good therapist to speak to about your problems.

And Myles I actually liked therapy as well, even as a child, I just did not like dealing with the idiot therapist who used to tell me horrible stories about girls who were raped by their dad's or talk to me like I was a 4 year old (I went into therapy around 10 years old and stayed until I was 16) or who would never come out and ask me what was on my mind, or what I felt about what had happened to me or even if I wanted to be there. Most of them, except one named Donna, didn't seem too interested in being my therapist and I guess I am kind of narcissistic as well as I like to talk about myself and would have if asked.

Myles, Puerto Rico sounds wonderful! If you were going in April I would come! My birthday is in April and I usually go somewhere for my birthday. I am thinking of going to NYC for my birthday this year to see a show. I've never been to NYC and even though it is not somewhere I would ever want to live, I wouldn't mind going shopping and seeing an on or off Broadway show. DH insist though that he will not let me go there by myself and I think he just wants to come too but I really would rather go by myself and just might do so if I have the money to go after taking the fam to Disney in February.

Erin

[daylilies]

I'm glad we don't have a pooping problem. I'd consider putting him back in diapers for that since it's so messy. Did I tell you guys he pooped himself on the playground recently? It was the day before vacation and they'd had a party with a bunch of baked goods. He was playing and he waddled up to me and said "Can we go home?" I thought he'd peed himself but he had pooped. He was so embarrassed

[demigraf]

..."In Defense of Food" by Michael Pollan, and he is now making dramatic changes to the way he eats. He was not a salad person when I met him, and now he's making these beautiful salads. I have started sprouting seeds again on my windowsill which DH will eat, so many that I think I'm going to build a little sprout shelf. And with all the hemming and hawing he did about my breastfeeding Bodhi, DH's quite adamantly pro boobs now. It's nice that books will sometimes ...

I realize I never finished that sentence. I was just going to say that it's nice how books will sometimes make my case for me - even when I'm saying the exact same thing. Sometimes DH just doesn't want to hear it from me.

[missychrissy]

Erin-she told you what stories about other girls?! Holy heck.

And Kate, I so wish Conner would be embarrassed by having that type of accident. His little friend is 3 or 4 and he goes to the bathroom all by himself, but that doesn't seem to motivate Conner at all.

[daylilies]

I realize I never finished that sentence. I was just going to say that it's nice how books will sometimes make my case for me - even when I'm saying the exact same thing. Sometimes DH just doesn't want to hear it from me.

DH never ate salads before he met me, either! He lived on things he knew how to make that his mother used to make, and frozen food, and pizza.

I get what you're saying about books making your point. It goes both ways here too. DH likes to talk out of his ass sometimes so it helps if he actually refers to a book or article to back it up

[demigraf]

The session was good. I cried.
I though of you guys when I told her that some mothers had told me I need to not take his behavior personally and that I don't know how to do that. She basically said he's not actively trying to hurt my feelings and that it's narcissistic to think about how his behaviors are affecting me. So I guess I have to figure out how to detach my feelings from this person who means everything to me and who I feel is a reflection of myself and my parenting, which I suppose is narcissistic too.

Not taking things personally is very hard. Remember that book I mentioned before, "The Four Agreements"? That book has a chapter in it about not taking things personally (since "Take nothing personally" is actually one of the 4 agreements). I still have a hard time with it. One of the things that help me, though, is to just think about how self-involved I am, and I imagine every other person out there is just like me, into their own thing, not really trying to get into anyone else's head to affect the way they feel because I'm too busily concerned with the way that I feel. And that kind of thinking realy helps.

[Suja]

This will be the 3rd or 4th time we've had this discussion. He'll cooperate for a few days, but if I laugh at something he says or am 'nice' in general he starts with the hounding again. It's not just fb either, but that's a whole other thing.

Do you think he could benefit from a session with the therapist? Maybe an impartial third party can get through to him better than you can.

Welcome back, Myles!

[daylilies]

Not taking things personally is very hard. Remember that book I mentioned before, "The Four Agreements"? That book has a chapter in it about not taking things personally (since "Take nothing personally" is actually one of the 4 agreements). I still have a hard time with it. One of the things that help me, though, is to just think about how self-involved I am, and I imagine every other person out there is just like me, into their own thing, not really trying to get into anyone else's head to affect the way they feel because I'm too busily concerned with the way that I feel. And that kind of thinking realy helps.

That is a good point.

[missychrissy]

Do you think he could benefit from a session with the therapist? Maybe an impartial third party can get through to him better than you can.

Welcome back, Myles!

He can see his own. For now I want to do my own individual therapy and leave everyone else out of it. I just had an intake appointment, so it's not like I've even begun myself.

[AmeriBrit]

I'm glad you SCUBJIA, Myles! I've missed you around here.

[daylilies]

I just had the most awful time at the library! I took Josh over there and he wanted to do one of the educational programs on the computer. It's really cute and I can't get it at home so I don't mind sitting there while he does it. I checked him before he started and noticed he was wet so I told him we had to go home and change. He threw the tantrum of all tantrums and even the librarian, who also taught Josh's group in the fall at church, came over to try to distract him but he was no help. I couldn't get his coat on because he kept fighting me, and I was carrying our hats and his backpack and my coat and I kept dropping things and he was throwing himself on the floor, meanwhile screaming the whole time that I was hurting him when I was just trying to pick him up off the floor and hold his hand. He ended up walking to the car with no coat on. I'm sure I looked like mother of the year.

[AbbeysMom]

Speaking of which, Molly, how are you feeling, mama? I would love to have you babymoon here in Cali. Any chance you want to join us in Puerto Rico in late Feb for your babymoon? We'll have room for you. The place we're renting is on the beach and has a baby pool and a playground. Anyone here is invited, truly. I'm just singling Molly out because she mentioned a meetup.

OMG, more than anything, I want to meet up in Puerto Rico. I'll ask DH about it.

Also, I think I might try to buy him that book. Then somehow get him to read it...

[Bridget]

Been there, Kate. It sucks. You did what you had to do though. Any mom would understand. What your therapist said about narcissism has me thinking, by the way. About myself of course. She makes a good point there.

Love SCUBJIA

Welcome back Suja!

[AmeriBrit]

Kate, I think most parents have had more than one of those moments!

[AmeriBrit]

I've been looking online tonight about babysitters for when/if I go back to work this year. I'll need someone to drop Travis off and pick him up from school probably and for someone to watch Cash throughout the day. I'd love for them to both go back to the daycare centre where Travis used to go when I worked part-time but I wouldn't make enough money to cover the cost. I get sick when I think of leaving them with any but their grandparents, which is all they've known recently. I think I feel wary of babysitters vs. childcare centres because I have a cousin who used to babysit kids and she seemed nice to most people but if you really knew her and saw how she was with kids, you would not leave your child with her....I keep thinking about what if we picked someone like that.

[AbbeysMom]

The session was good. I cried.
I though of you guys when I told her that some mothers had told me I need to not take his behavior personally and that I don't know how to do that. She basically said he's not actively trying to hurt my feelings and that it's narcissistic to think about how his behaviors are affecting me. So I guess I have to figure out how to detach my feelings from this person who means everything to me and who I feel is a reflection of myself and my parenting, which I suppose is narcissistic too.

I don't think it's narcissistic to think your child is a reflection of your parenting and/or yourself, I think it's normal, just not very accurate. Whether a child tends to lash out or be anxiety-prone or easy-going or some mix of traits, I think most inherent "personality" come from interaction with their whole environment, and their natural personality (guided by genetics). Parents are part of their whole environment, but a mom's influence isn't all-encompassing.

I also don't think it's narcissistic to think about how his behaviors are affecting you (although a parent wouldn't react emotionally to a child in the same way they would react to an adult). If a child hits or screams at their caregiver, it's not like it doesn't hurt, both emotionally and physically. I understand needing detachment in the sense that you can't hold resentment or anger, but I would think the best way to achieve that is to understand why a child is having trouble (not labeling your own emotions as narcissistic).

[daylilies]

Kate, I think most parents have had more than one of those moments!

Oh yes, I have had many. Just sucks when they happen.

[daylilies]

Ash, do you know anyone who can recommend someone?

I don't think it's narcissistic to think your child is a reflection of your parenting and/or yourself, I think it's normal, just not very accurate. Whether a child tends to lash out or be anxiety-prone or easy-going or some mix of traits, I think most inherent "personality" come from interaction with their whole environment, and their natural personality (guided by genetics). Parents are part of their whole environment, but a mom's influence isn't all-encompassing.

I also don't think it's narcissistic to think about how his behaviors are affecting you (although a parent wouldn't react emotionally to a child in the same way they would react to an adult). If a child hits or screams at their caregiver, it's not like it doesn't hurt, both emotionally and physically. I understand needing detachment in the sense that you can't hold resentment or anger, but I would think the best way to achieve that is to understand why a child is having trouble (not labeling your own emotions as narcissistic).

That's just it-I assume he's having trouble because of me, because I'm the person he's around 95% of the time. Or that he's not having trouble at all, I'm just having trouble coping.
Gee, I guess I do think about myself a lot.

[demigraf]

Totally OT, but one of Bodhi's adorable besties - whom he's known since 4 mos - turns 3 today. I want to share this pic with her and her baby brother (which I'll probably take down in a couple hours to keep their online exposure low):

...

Her middle name is the same as my first name, which makes her all the more awesome. (Narcissism, anyone? ) I wub her.

ETA: Whoa that pic is huge. Will definitely take down in a few.

[daylilies]

They're beautiful!

[Bridget]

They are very beautiful!!

Kate, I agree it's really hard not to take it personally. Look at me, I was just talking about taking a daycare child's behavior personally!

[daylilies]

Haha! That is true!
I'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon though if I don't figure it out. I hear this age is tame compared to tweens and teenagers when they get hormones.
When he screamed all the way home after the library incident, I was able to block it out and not react. He was better around the time we got home and even went to the sidewalk to take in the recycling bins without being asked

[missychrissy]

The temper tantrums get easier to deal with in that they're better able to communicate what they're thinking as tweens/teens. Not that what they're thinking is actually an accurate assessment of events, as i've been learning recently myself. I'm not sure if that's helpful at all, but I will say that with my older girls I thought their easiest years thus far were from 7/8-16/17.

Beautiful Myles!

[daylilies]

I hope you're right Chrissy!
He was a sweetie tonight...he wanted to cuddle for a long time after I read him his book and he loves to play with my hair. He messed it all up and said "You look beautiful like that, Mommy"

[missychrissy]

that's really sweet. I'd focus more on those positive moments and let the negative ones go. I am also jealous-I love having my hair played with but none of my kids were into that at any age. I remember putting berets in my dad's hair for hours on Saturday mornings while watching cartoons.

[daylilies]

I love having my hair played with too. I could fall asleep like that.