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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #26671

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    When I grow up I want to be like Erin.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  2. #26672
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwonder View Post
    When I grow up I want to be like Erin.
    Me too.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  3. #26673

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    So with the food thing, if I am making spagetti and meatballs for the family and I know Josh doesn't like it do I make him something else? Or do I not make things for the family that Josh does not like? And if he refuses to eat and wants a snack 10 minutes later do I give it to him?

    It's just, DH thinks that whenever kids give grown ups a hard time, it means they are trying to manipulate things to get their way and DH never gives in. I don't think we should be that strict but it's hard to know where to set limits. It's hard to look on as DH has unrealistic expectations but I know not to step in all the time either. It seems a really delicate, impossible balance, to be fair, consistent, and not constantly override DH's decisions and keep everyone sane around here.

  4. #26674

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    Why don't you make spaghetti and meatballs and a vegetable side that you know he will eat. Put both on his plate and if he doesn't eat it, he doesn't eat it, but he will eat the veg so you won't feel like he is going to bed hungry.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  5. #26675

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    Well, for us I would gladly give her anything she would eat, as long as it was healthy and she would actually eat. I ask that she tries everything on her plate at least one small bite without spitting. Then if she wants she can have toast with hummus and cheese or something else that doesn't really take any preparation but *she has to actually eat*. That's enough of a challenge right now, but Abbey's obviously younger than Josh, so IDK if there's really any comparison. It can take about 20 minutes for her to take even those three small bites. I don't know why she turns into a crazy person at dinner and is so easy the rest of the day, but that's how it is for now.

    And I would also like to be like Erin when I grow up.



    lost our bean to Triploidy Sep 2010

  6. #26676

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    I agree with Katy. Sometimes one of my kids won't eat spaghetti, mostly Ky if I have tomatoes and onions in it. I always make spaghetti, salad, and garlic bread. He will eat the salad (without his hated veggies) and garlic bread and that will be that.

    As for being manipulative, like I said I just don't think most kids are that way, especially as young as Josh is. I do think there should be consistent rules, like he should not speak to you or dad is a disrespectful tone. He should do like Bridget says if he doesn't like a dish and say "no thank you please" or what Elle says "I don't have a taste for that." If he wants to do something and it is not time to do that, like he wants to play and it is bed time or something. I would just reiterate that it is bedtime and not playtime and in that instant I would not budge. I also would not get mad about the impending tantrum that may result from a situation such as that. When he calms down either after being in his bedroom or a timeout or another chilling out space, I would speak to him about what is expected at certain times and try to be very calm about it and stick to the subject.

    I'm guessing those instances are what your DH sees as manipulative, when a child doesn't want to do something the adult wants them to do. But really, all kids do that. It is not manipulative, it is just how kids are and they are trying to gain some control over their lives. If it is a consistent thing I would talk to the child about a compromise but the child would have to stick to that and if he didn't then there would be consequences and I would let him know exactly what the consequences were.

    I also do not intervene usually when DH is disciplining the kids but he is pretty good at it now. He does not call Ky names anymore when Ky is around (he will just tell me after the fact that Ky is a cry baby and I'm doing a horrible job as his mother but I ignore that since I know it is not true). He also sometimes will get louder than I would like and during those times I do remind him not to yell. Since yelling is Elle's problem as well (like father like daughter) she will also remind him that "yelling is not nice." He will usually stop yelling when she says that because we are really working on getting her to not yell at people.

    Erin

  7. #26677
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    I make 2 - 4 different meals for dinner now. I make the grown-up dinner, the Pony dinner, the Tony dinner, and the baby S. dinner. Sometimes we have one meal that all of us will tolerate (like spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread). Those are the easy nights, but DH is not usually too fond of those nights, and the kid-friendly meals are not that great for the low-carb adult diet plan. So other nights I will do a grown-up dinner and make a kid-friendly dish on the side, but what DD likes and what DS likes are pretty opposite. I cannot make them both a pb sandwich, for example. One likes one kind of bread. The other likes the other, and doesn't like pb but only nutella. They both like apples, but one likes oranges and the other likes mandarin oranges, and neither one will eat the other. One likes bananas, the other one doesn't. One likes goldfish and graham crackers, the other one won't touch them. One likes cheese, the other one likes yogurt. They both like macaroni and cheese, but neither of them likes homemade mac n cheese, and one will only eat the microwaveable kind and the other one will only eat the kind that's in the box cooked on the stove. One likes pizza, the other one won't touch it. You get my drift. I cannot just make one adult meal and one kid meal.

    I do not insist on a trial bite. I sometimes coax them and am rewarded by gagging, and sometimes by spitting or coughing food back onto the plate or into the hand. I do remind them that tastes change as people get older, and even if they didn't like something before, they should consider trying it again, "Now that you're older," because their taste buds might have changed and they might like it now. I give the example of how so many grown-ups like coffee, but you never see kids drinking it, because it's something that your taste buds like when you're older. I had that thrown back in my face one time when I didn't put shrimp pad thai on DS's plate and said it was because he didn't touch it the time before, and he said he was older now so his tastes might have changed. They do taste things when I remind them that they're older, but many times (DD especially) they shriek and say "I don't like that! Why did you have to give that to me!?!"

    Most of the time, I try to be as relaxed as possible about it, not let it be a power struggle, and I am more concerned about things that would bother me if we were out to eat (like hanging off a chair upside down like a bat, or fighting with a sibling, or other things that would be noticed or heard from afar), rather than what they are eating. They probably cannot help what they like or don't like, but they can try to be polite about it.

    Finally, those of you who have been reading my blog from way back probably read this article before, and I have linked it more than once on APA, but I found it really helpful in my more frustrating moments. Since I wrote this, DS has changed enormously. He is really picky now, too, but it is a stealthy pickiness. When asked what he likes to eat, he says he likes to eat everything. My dad beamed when he said that. But he is really picky, too. He still likes to eat exotic things, and he's more adventurous than DD, but DD has been gradually been expanding her repertoire, and DS has been gradually closing his. Meanwhile, Baby S. has been going from being an adventurous eater to exceedingly picky and pretty much surviving only on cow's milk. Sigh.

    Oh, and also I have done things like Thanksgiving, when not one of my three kids would eat anything at all, but I knew they had milk, and I knew it would be okay. There were like 20 dishes to choose from. There was a bit of everything on their plates. They ate nothing. I wasn't going to bring along an alternative dinner that they would eat to Thanksgiving! They were hungry when they got home, but it was bedtime. I told them they could have a big breakfast.


  8. #26678
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    As for being manipulative, like I said I just don't think most kids are that way, especially as young as Josh is. I do think there should be consistent rules, like he should not speak to you or dad is a disrespectful tone. He should do like Bridget says if he doesn't like a dish and say "no thank you please" or what Elle says "I don't have a taste for that." If he wants to do something and it is not time to do that, like he wants to play and it is bed time or something. I would just reiterate that it is bedtime and not playtime and in that instant I would not budge. I also would not get mad about the impending tantrum that may result from a situation such as that. When he calms down either after being in his bedroom or a timeout or another chilling out space, I would speak to him about what is expected at certain times and try to be very calm about it and stick to the subject.

    I'm guessing those instances are what your DH sees as manipulative, when a child doesn't want to do something the adult wants them to do. But really, all kids do that. It is not manipulative, it is just how kids are and they are trying to gain some control over their lives. If it is a consistent thing I would talk to the child about a compromise but the child would have to stick to that and if he didn't then there would be consequences and I would let him know exactly what the consequences were.
    This is really excellent advice. In my experience, it's rare for kids to be manipulative. It does happen, but it's rare and what your DH is talking about is not a manipulative child.

    I remember reading in one of my trainings that being manipulative is "not a useful concept.". I love that. It's much more useful to consider what is driving the behavior and deal with that.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  9. #26679

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    Lydia, I'm glad to hear I'm not messing A up by making her a different meal every night. As of late, she usually tries a new food without much fuss because the concept of "grow foods" (thank you, Dr. Sears) seems to have helped quite a bit. Basically if I tell her it will help her muscles grow stronger, her bones grow longer, or fight off a cold, etc., she's up for trying it. She ate quite a few peas tonight but wanted to be measured right after dinner, lol. She really does seem to like the idea of foods making her bigger/faster/stronger.

    In Abbey's case I think her hyper-independent personality is to blame more than sense of smell or genetics, because she will happily offer to make herself something or go get her own snack from the pantry (she has her own snack shelf). I found out on Thanksgiving that she will also eat whatever any older kid is eating too, because she ate great with her older cousins. I don't think she's manipulative *at all*, she's just a kid. "Manipulative" seems to insinuate some sinister motive, when in reality most kids have pretty sweet and understandable motives. In Abbey's case, her motive is that she wants to be bigger, stronger, and more independent. I can completely understand that, but she's still going to have to eat her veggies at least once in a while.

    I also should clarify that the behavior I described as 'crazy' wasn't refusing to eat, it was things like you said, hanging off the chair like a bat or laying her head down in a plate of spagetti.

    ETA:
    I do make her a 'smoothie milk' (vanilla yogurt mixed with milk) to go with dinner and more times than not, that's the majority of her dinner, but only because she takes it with her and sips on it throughout the evening. So I've often wondered if she just can't stomach the 'big meal' too.
    Last edited by AbbeysMom; 12-20-2011 at 04:22 AM.



    lost our bean to Triploidy Sep 2010

  10. #26680

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    Kai is an extremely picky eater. If I make spaghettie and meatballs, I will leave some plain noodles for him, or I will always serve toast or something that I know he will eat. I do not fight with him to eat his food but I do always make sure that there is something on the table that he will eat. He is a growing boy and I want him to eat something.

    Kate I think it sounds like your dh really needs to learn about children because things are just going to get continually harder if he keeps on thinking that Josh is out to get you guys by his behavior. Maybe you could guys could sit down and come to an agreement about certain things, lay some ground rules that you both stand by while leaving a little wiggle room so you don't have to be forcing Josh to do things he refuses to do. It has been hard for me with Kai, since healthy eating is such a big deal to me, but I can say without question that making a big deal about it will almost always result in the child fighting you even more. If certain rules are set in advance then you can calmly remind him what the rules are and the discussion ends there.

  11. #26681

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    The main thing I did to get him to improve his behavior though is to stop caring about his reaction. If he leaves, I now do not care. If he gives me silent treatment, I don't care. I will still be my nice self as well to him and will continue to be until he decides to come around, but not giving a crap is really freeing for me and I think he now sees he doesn't get a reaction out of me like he used to so he has really changed his behavior drastically in the past 2 years or so. I just want him to continue the trend and it seems like he is going backwards the past few months.

    Erin

    THIS is where I need to be.

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  12. #26682

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aelith View Post
    THIS is where I need to be.
    It works! Erin, you need to teach a workshop called "How to Get Your Man to Shape up his Attitude by not Giving a Crap." lol

    Well, Kai woke up this morning with his eyes totally crusted shut. He has an appt this morning that dbf is going to take him to when he gets back from playing raquetball. I also woke up with a sore throat and headache so I called all my daycare families and let them know to come at their own risk. They are opting to stay away.
    So this morning when Savana came out of her room she had written all over he legs with a washable marker. She made letters. They were really good. I surprised myself even when the first thing I said was, "Wow, Savana. You are getting so good at your letters!" Dbf was like lol.
    So I am washing her legs when Kai wakes up screaming that he can't open his eyes. So I go in there to wash his eyes when Sawyer wakes up and I can hear him crying. Of course I have to holler for dbf to go get him because it does not even click for him that I am busy. Then he's just standing in the hallway holding Sawyer watching me wash Savana and help Kai who is very sad and trying to his morning business on the potty. I know he is waiting for me to take Sawyer so he can go play raquetball so I ask him if he's getting ready to leave and he tells me he just doesn't want to cancel on this guy who he is playing with because he's afraid the guy won't call him anymore. I calmly went and took Kai and told him to have fun. I keep thinking how I am surprised that I'm not seething that he actually went to the gym when he is knows I have my hands full here. But I'm not. Because it won't do any good for my morning if i'm all headachy and seething at the same time. The real kicker is that he doesn't even know my daycare kids aren't coming today. I would have had to make Kai stay up here alone all sick and sad.

  13. #26683
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    Ah, Bridget, these are the days that make us wonder why we even keep men around. You need to be in bed, taking a day off, while not having to worry about if the kids and the house are falling to pieces.

    I have this little tiny bit of hope that he'll casually toss off during the game that it was good to get out because you were sick and and there was one calamity after another this morning and the other guy doesn't call him again because of that.

    I hope things only go uphill today.

    -------

    What I generally do with my kids' plates is put mostly food I know they will eat, including a main dish and a ton of fruit (because even though they don't eat many veggies, I think fruit is just fine and they'll eat it), and have one compartment with a little taste of our grown-up food and encourage them to try it but I don't push it. They also know that some foods have more vitamins and minerals and protein and complex carbohydrates than others, and those are the best for helping them grow strong bones and muscles, and that will give them energy for playing longer and going on their long walks.

    I remember when they first started preschool, there was some after-school party and a mom was pretty much yelling at her daughter to eat some grow foods. The daughter was wafting along the snack table, just picking at stuff, and the mom was in her face, saying over and over again, "No dessert until you eat your grow foods! GROW FOODS!" That was right at the height of my frustration with DD's eating habits, and that was another thing that made me back off. It seemed like their conflict was just making things worse for both of them and not actually making the girl eat anything.

    I think about Abbey's age we started doing rewards stickers for good table manners, with a prize at the end of the week. We just took a few basic things, like sitting in a chair, attempting to use silverware, and they got a lot of praise for taking turns asking, "How was your day?" to various family members and actually listening to the response (that was the hard part). Now whenever I remind them about good table manners, DD promptly sits up straight, smiles, looks at my DH, and says, "How was your day, Daddy?"


  14. #26684

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    Well, I promise I'm not psychotically yelling at her to try grow foods, lol.



    lost our bean to Triploidy Sep 2010

  15. #26685

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    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    Well, I promise I'm not psychotically yelling at her to try grow foods, lol.
    Too funny!! LOL

    I have never heard of grow foods. That is a good one! I'll have to tell Elle about that. I have told her that certain foods will help her to be extra strong. She says "I don't want to be stronger, I'm already strong!" And will look at me like I'm nuts for not knowing she is strong. She goes through spells of not eating but really I am not concerned when she doesn't eat. She'll go for a couple days without eating anything except breakfast then all of the sudden she will eat everything in sight. She really surprised me one day, a friend of mine brought over a veggie platter and Elle is going through an "I hate vegetables" phase and says this quite often. The veggie platter had a bunch of cherry tomatoes on it, which she used to hate and I left the platter on the table for Ky and one of his friends to munch on and Elle ended up eating every cherry tomatoe on the platter! She hates tomatoes so I was very shocked. She also goes through spells where she will only eat broccoli and will insist that broccoli is not a vegetable because "I hate vegetables but I like broccoli so broccoli is not a vegetable." (she always has her serious glare when she says this as well lol!) She also has a love/hate relationship with green beans.

    But really I just don't have enough time to cook more than one meal. Luckily Ky is older so if he doesn't want what I cook he can just make himself a sandwich or something. Elle unfortunately is out of luck in this. If she doesn't like what is cooked she just doesn't eat. She will drink some milk though and I usually will give her some fruit after dinner for a dessert anyway so she gets something in her belly. Luckily she doesn't eat much at night anyway. The girl will eat breakfast though 3 times per morning if I let her. DH thinks she is weird because if you ask her if she wants a snack she will say "Yes Daddy. Can you make me some eggs and toast?" He is like, ummm, I said a snack not a meal! Scrambled eggs with pepper and salsa and buttered toast are her favorite things to eat.

    Erin

  16. #26686

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    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    Well, I promise I'm not psychotically yelling at her to try grow foods, lol.
    I can't even imagine that.

    Dbf called from the gym to ask me if I'd rather he take a shower there or at home. I was like "Huh? Why would I care?" He's like, "I know you had a rough morning so I wondered which would be easier for you." Oh, too funny. How the? What the?

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    So with the food thing, if I am making spagetti and meatballs for the family and I know Josh doesn't like it do I make him something else? Or do I not make things for the family that Josh does not like? And if he refuses to eat and wants a snack 10 minutes later do I give it to him?
    I don't make the kids eat what they don't like, so if I cook something I know they dislike, I do make something else for them. Well, the girls can make their own now, but I provide it for them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    As for being manipulative, like I said I just don't think most kids are that way, especially as young as Josh is.
    Erin
    I agree with this too. He's too young to even know how to manipulate.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  18. #26688
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    I can't even imagine that.

    Dbf called from the gym to ask me if I'd rather he take a shower there or at home. I was like "Huh? Why would I care?" He's like, "I know you had a rough morning so I wondered which would be easier for you." Oh, too funny. How the? What the?
    I really don't know how you're not seething mad at him.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  19. #26689
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    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    Well, I promise I'm not psychotically yelling at her to try grow foods, lol.

    I didn't think that, I promise. We use the concept of growing strong ourselves. I did not know that Dr. Sears had popularized the concept, and that's probably where this particular mom at school had gotten it from, although I'm sure he would not have approved of the delivery.


  20. #26690

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I really don't know how you're not seething mad at him.
    I just dont' have the energy to care. Even if he has stayed he'd probably just have annoyed me. The kids defer to me when they are sad or sick anyway so he'd probably just be in the way.
    He's home now and I got Sawyer down for his nap so I was laying on the couch with my eyes closed and he kept yammering on about how it will be nice for me to have the day off so I can get some rest. But I can't rest because he won't be quiet! Kai is in our bed so that's off unless I want him coughing all over me. If Sawyer is still asleep when they go to the dr I will try then.

  21. #26691

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    I can't even imagine that.

    Dbf called from the gym to ask me if I'd rather he take a shower there or at home. I was like "Huh? Why would I care?" He's like, "I know you had a rough morning so I wondered which would be easier for you." Oh, too funny. How the? What the?
    That is funny!! That would set a new record for me regarding the weirdest question asked by me of an adult! LOL!

    Erin

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I have a question to pose to you guys...when your children are being pains in the butt, how do you not take it personally? I mean how do you cope? How do I not take it personally when he is definitely aiming his anger/frustration/whatever right at me?

    And how do you feel about children's abilities to manipulate? How do you know when they are just trying to get their way and when something more complex is going on? DH is convinced that Josh just does everything to get his way. We don't give in a lot, but I don't believe in being as strict as DH wants to be. What kind of rules do you guys have about eating the whole thing at meal time, doing things the way we would like them done vs. "just being a kid" and doing it his way, etc.

    Does this make any sense? I feel like I don't know which battles to pick anymore.

    I think that it would be pretty hard to not take things personally but to just keep trying. This is coming from the non-kid person but I do think that they are very bright and self-centered by nature....and want to do what they want to do when they want to do it. Josh is about 5 right? I have cared for a number of kids that age and they actually told that they would do things a certain way to get their moms to give them what they want. They tried with me and I was like, why are you doing that or being like this....well it works with my mom.
    That said, it's up to you to pick your battles and what things are important to you. I would personally not force eating the whole thing at a meal because well I'm paranoid about creating weight issues and don't want eating to be a stressful battle. But I do believe in sitting nicely at the table....and if you aren't going to sit nicely, that meal is done.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  23. #26693
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    I've been pretty lucky with Travis in that he eats pretty well. I don't force him to finish everything either and I was starting to doubt myself on that because my in-laws seem like they think the kids should eat everything on their plate. Travis is a stinker, though, for wanting to only eat half his dinner and then demanding a treat. He loves when I tell him what foods do for him like carrots make him see in the dark and broccoli makes him strong like Bat Man. My SIL said she told my nephew to eat his porridge the other day before school so that he would be super fast if he ran anywhere at school. The next day she asked him what he wanted for breakfast and he replied, "Mummy, I need more of that porridge. I was really fast and won the race yesterday." lol

    Bridget, you'll have to tell your bf that he needs to shower at the gym to save on y'all's water bill! (My husband tells me things like that. He also washes plastic cutlery that he uses for lunch at work to save money.) Heh.

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    I've been pretty lucky with Travis in that he eats pretty well. I don't force him to finish everything either and I was starting to doubt myself on that because my in-laws seem like they think the kids should eat everything on their plate. Travis is a stinker, though, for wanting to only eat half his dinner and then demanding a treat. He loves when I tell him what foods do for him like carrots make him see in the dark and broccoli makes him strong like Bat Man. My SIL said she told my nephew to eat his porridge the other day before school so that he would be super fast if he ran anywhere at school. The next day she asked him what he wanted for breakfast and he replied, "Mummy, I need more of that porridge. I was really fast and won the race yesterday." lol

    Bridget, you'll have to tell your bf that he needs to shower at the gym to save on y'all's water bill! (My husband tells me things like that. He also washes plastic cutlery that he uses for lunch at work to save money.) Heh.

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    I have put a lot of thought over the years into food/dinners. I do not want to be a short order cook. I grew up in a house that often had 2-3 different dinners. My dad is super picky. He will basically eat pizza, burgers and hotdogs on the grill. I know when he comes to visit my house, one meal is usually at Culvers and the other is my homemade pizza. He thought veggies were "gross" and we knew that so of course my sister and I refused them. We are both really picky. I have gotten better...got with DH when 19 yrs old and started eating things like tacos and chinese because I didn't want to look stupid in front of him. Big shocker is that I actually really like a lot of that stuff! And yet I still have a big list of things I don't like...mayo, sour cream, salad dressing, fish/seafood, sausage, and bacon are some of the more common ones that shock people.
    So I'm stuck between not wanting to be a short order cook...but also not forcing stuff that isn't liked because I won't eat stuff I don't like myself.

    With the spaghetti and meatballs...what part of the meal isn't liked? If it was the sauce, I would serve that on the side and let him have plain/buttered noodles. Or omit the meatballs for him. Try to have the same meals but at least something that the kid likes too.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  26. #26696

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    I remember sitting at the table for hours and getting so upset about my mom forcing me to finish my dinner that I would gag and throw up. I think I was like 6 years old when I told myself i would not have that rule with my kids. I also told myself at some point I was never going to use the phrase, "Because I said so." and I have come dangerously close to saying that one.
    I think I told this story here before when Kai was about 2, maybe 3 he overheard me reading to dbf from a magazine about some study that showed children who ate oatmeal had better memories. A few days later he came in the room and said a few rhymes to dbf in this fashion.
    "Hey Dad. Mouse house. Clap trap. See? Better rhymes because I eat oatmeal. Mom said."

  27. #26697

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    I actually explained to my kids one night last week that it really hurts my feelings when they say rude things about the food that I cook for them. I told them that taking care of them and cooking meals for my family is my work and I spend a lot of time and energy to make things that taste good and are good for us. I said that it's just like their work is making up songs and drawing pictures and that when they come to the table and say, "Yuck! It smells like poop." that is the same as if I said that about a picture they drew for me. Savana actually got up and gave me a hug after that even though Kai was the one who said it smelled like poop and she only made a nasty face. I had an aunt once tell me I shouldn't let my kids know that things get to me but I do think sometimes it helps for them to realize that the things they say and do have an effect on the people around them.

  28. #26698
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    29,722

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    That happened to me too Bridget. I remember having to sit and finish a beef pot pie and it got cold and yucky...and I wasn't liking it when it was hot so the longer I sat there the worse it was. I didn't eat them for years after. I couldn't because just smelling them would make me gag. I only made a pot pie (from scratch) for the first time in my life in the last year. That's how bad 'forcing' me to eat something I didn't like effected me. I too remember thinking that day that I'd never do that to my kids.

    The only real 'issue' that's developed in my house is Bobbie decided to be a vegetarian at about 16. I'm not against that at all, but it's made it difficult for me to buy groceries. Some weeks were tighter than others and I've felt stressed about getting her enough stuff. But how could I say, "no, you're going to eat what we eat or go hungry?" when it's such a monumental decision? And making everyone else (*cough* Rich) switch to a vegetarian diet wasn't even a remote possibility. At any rate, we've survived and now she has a job and can buy her own food.

    About the "because I said so" thing...I was against that too but I did find myself in a precarious position once with my kids. When I worked at mental health it was in our county office building, which also happens to be in our hometown. I had access to information about people that was confidential. And some of that knowledge I would have rather not known. One time Bobbie wanted to go to a friend's house, but I knew her father had been ordered to attend anger management classes for pulling a gun out on his wife and kids. I couldn't tell Bobbie why she couldn't go there. I had to say, "Because I said so." and leave it at that. I value confidentiality above and beyond anything...that was probably the most tempted I ever was to break someones confidentiality, but I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't. "Because I said so" worked well enough for that scenario.

    So...just saying, you never know what might happen where "i said so" is the only answer you can give.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  29. #26699
    Join Date
    May 2007
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    14,682

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    but I do think sometimes it helps for them to realize that the things they say and do have an effect on the people around them.
    That is definitely true. I know in talking with my MIL....she found that what worked best with DH is not yelling at him or whatever but just looking really sad and saying how he hurt her feelings or that a certain behavior really disappointed her.

    He's still a really sensitive guy...he actually called me at work last week because his feelings were really hurt...he tried to call the microchip people for Cosmo to update info and they wouldn't talk to him because they for some reason only had me listed. And he was actually upset because she is his dog too. I told him of course she is his girl....we all know it and she knows who her daddy is. I emailed his mom and she was OMG my son is soooo sensitive.
    Great to have a sensitive guy because if I tell him something bothers me or hurt my feelings....he's very receptive and wants to avoid doing that. But also have to be careful in how I put things to him...(the worst was 5 years ago when he was laid off and already feeling really down....I had to tread very carefully).

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  30. #26700

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    Aw, he is going to be such a good daddy.

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