Secular Confessions

[Cosmosmom]

What is my problem? Part of it is DH doesn't put out a lot of signals, but I have to question why I was so annoyed with him while he was waiting for me in the bedroom. Then again, I have REALLY not been in the mood lately. I kind of think sometimes when he is not here it's sort of a relief to write a cycle off, not having to worry about whether or not I'm pg and just expect that AF will come. Once I BD, I start wondering and worrying about it. So maybe I'm sabotaging myself? Or maybe we're both sabotaging? Or maybe we're just completely incompatible. I have no idea. Somebody make me feel better about this. I know, TMI.

Sounds like something I could have written....and totally normal. I know DH partially thinks we haven't gotten pg because of timing. I know we have had some months of good timing but definitely a lot of bad ones out there. Not the most active couple and working different shifts doesn't help. Even now if I think timing might be ok, I start to think maybe just maybe and I almost prefer to not even try because than I know for sure it's a no that month. I hinted around this weekend...timing would have been pretty perfect I think and nothing happened (actually last time was probably either late Oct or early Nov...definitely not since getting Molly and that has been 5 weeks now). But like clockwork, he will start hinting around when freaking AF is here. Worst timing ever I think.

Maybe doing IUI would take off the pressure and miscommunication?

[Smplyme89]

That's really unfair and insensitive...not to mention untrue. I returned to school when Conner was just 2 weeks old and our relationship didn't suffer at all.

Thanks Chrissy. I do hate that my time is so split. It makes it hard to make time for anything. Whether it be housework, Nolan, or my poor neglected DH

I just keep telling myself that I know I am doing what is best for us and that is all that matters.

[Cosmosmom]

Christina, that is great that you did so well in that class! And going back to school is a good thing for you and your family. Definitely be proud.

[missychrissy]

Thanks Chrissy. I do hate that my time is so split. It makes it hard to make time for anything. Whether it be housework, Nolan, or my poor neglected DH

I just keep telling myself that I know I am doing what is best for us and that is all that matters.

You really can't do anything better for your family than what you're doing now. It's not the quantity of time, but the quality of time, that you spend with your kids that matter.

[Cosmosmom]

I didn't party this weekend either. I just don't get on the computer as much.

Mine consisted of running errands, working with the dogs, and DH's Legos. He got the set on Friday that is his xmas present. Except that this set of over 2k pieces has a whole bag missing. He was able to put together the second section but the first part we are waiting for the pieces to be sent...from Denmark so it takes like 10 business days. When I called Lego, they said that set had a known issue of a group of them missing a bag of pieces. Hopefully the ones we noticed missing for sure are in that bag.
Yesterday was football and our Packers lost...no more perfect season for them.

Nice weekend but always too short. I need a 3 day one.

[Aelith]

Ladies, I need some advice.

My 20-year class reunion is in July. At the 15-year reunion, I had inquired about a classmate of mine; one of the guys said rather dismissively, "Oh, he's gay," as if that was meant to answer my question and end the topic. Since then, several more classmates have come out, and a large number of our class are part of a FB group to plan our reunion.

I know that at least one girl (woman? That makes us sound old, ) is planning on attending with her wife. I feel like we need to discuss what happened at the 15-year reunion. Do we? Am I making more out of it than I should? Part of me wants to warn her (and the others). The guy that said it was surrounded by his "buddies," so it wasn't just one homophobic classmate, it was a group. This guy is obviously not involved in the planning (or on FB as far as I can tell), but some of his cronies are (and espouse their opinions frequently via status updates).

Just a little background: we went to school in a small, yet rather famous prison town in New York State. The attitudes there were (are?) fairly close-minded.

[missychrissy]

Ladies, I need some advice.

My 20-year class reunion is in July. At the 15-year reunion, I had inquired about a classmate of mine; one of the guys said rather dismissively, "Oh, he's gay," as if that was meant to answer my question and end the topic. Since then, several more classmates have come out, and a large number of our class are part of a FB group to plan our reunion.

I know that at least one girl (woman? That makes us sound old, ) is planning on attending with her wife. I feel like we need to discuss what happened at the 15-year reunion. Do we? Am I making more out of it than I should? Part of me wants to warn her (and the others). The guy that said it was surrounded by his "buddies," so it wasn't just one homophobic classmate, it was a group. This guy is obviously not involved in the planning (or on FB as far as I can tell), but some of his cronies are (and espouse their opinions frequently via status updates).

Just a little background: we went to school in a small, yet rather famous prison town in New York State. The attitudes there were (are?) fairly close-minded.

At this point, I'm not sure I'd say anything. It's possible that the others weren't really 'with' the guy that made that bigoted offhand comment at the 15 year reunion, and even if they were that doesn't mean it's going to come up again. If it did, however, I'd be ready to come to their defense in a hurry by at least saying something like, "That's very narrow minded of you"

[Ky'sMom]

Erin. Is it possible that your dh is acting out because you're sick and it's making him feel insecure or worried? Men are really weird about that. At least, some are. I hope you two can resolve it because it doesn't sound like fun at all. And you don't want to end up like me with so much pent up anger and resentment that you can't see how your marriage can survive...and you don't even care if it doesn't.

DH is not acting any different than how he usually acts, it's just getting to me more because I am sick. He is just a butthead around 20% of the time. That 20% is a doozy!! It just goes on and on and is just completely nerve wrecking. A while ago he said he thinks he may have ADHD or bi-polar disorder or something. I am starting to think maybe he is correct because it is very ridiculous the way he acts sometimes. Honestly though I think he is just looking for a cop-out reason for him to misbehave. Sounds horrible, but I truly do feel that about him. He is actually WAY better than he used to be. My consistent ignoring and changing of subjects and refusing to engage in his constant squibbles have really paid off, but I feel like he is a perennial child, like he is never going to mature. I will never be able to have a grown-up conversation with him without him pointing out how I said something wrong or if he didn't hear everything I said and I shorten my previous statement, he will never not argue with me about how I am not saying exactly what I said earlier. I did speak to him about it and it is a constant conversation with us that he is so critical and is always saying something about everything and it is to the point where I don't even take most of what he says seriously. I was speaking to him about how Ky is starting to be the same way. I can see Ky's eyes rolling when DH is talking to him, and honestly I do the same thing because it is impossible at times to have a decent conversation with him. Ky tries to tell him about things he does at school and if Ky says "hey" or "y'all" DH will get all up in his a$$ about not speaking correctly. I'm like dam, can you at least listen to what he is freaking saying!!! He will get loud and demanding about the words most people say and if you mispeak he'll point it out, even if you correct yourself. It just irks me more when I am not feeling well and it really irks me when he does this to Ky because he is still really sensitive and most every conversation he tries to have with DH ends up with Ky crying and DH b!tching about him being a cry-baby and how I am too nice to Ky and too soft on him. It is just crazy to me and I just am not my usual nice self who ignores and tries to reason with DH when I am not well. I will just curse at him, which of course makes things worse but at least he'll give me the silent treatment for a while so I don't have to talk to him.

At this point, I'm not sure I'd say anything. It's possible that the others weren't really 'with' the guy that made that bigoted offhand comment at the 15 year reunion, and even if they were that doesn't mean it's going to come up again. If it did, however, I'd be ready to come to their defense in a hurry by at least saying something like, "That's very narrow minded of you"

I agree with this Aelith. I wouldn't say anything about it. I'm sure that your friends have heard it all anyway. I would just make sure if I heard someone say disparaging remarks at the event that I checked them and their friends and remind them that we are now 20 years out of highschool so there is no need to continue to behave like 14 year olds.

Erin

[missychrissy]

That really breaks my heart for Ky. It's one thing for you as an adult to deal with it. I can only imagine how hurtful it is to Ky. When your dh mentioned he thought he might be bipolar or something, did you suggest he see someone? I'd probably bring that up again. If that's the case, then he really can't help it. But having a mother with bipolar disorder I can say that doesn't really sound like a symptom of it (and I've read a lot about it through the years). Not saying I know everything though. At any rate, getting some kind of help couldn't hurt.

[Smplyme89]

At this point, I'm not sure I'd say anything. It's possible that the others weren't really 'with' the guy that made that bigoted offhand comment at the 15 year reunion, and even if they were that doesn't mean it's going to come up again. If it did, however, I'd be ready to come to their defense in a hurry by at least saying something like, "That's very narrow minded of you"

I agree! I would definitely be ready with some come backs should it become an issue.

I can not stand small minded people

[Ky'sMom]

I really don't believe he is bi-polar at all. My older 2 nephew's grandmother (sounds crazy I know) is bi-polar and she is a nice lady but it is quite different than DH. He doesn't really have any symptoms of bi-polar disorder. I just think he is an a$$ sometimes, that is all. Also like I said he is way better than he used to be and he is very good at not being an a$$ when he doesn't want to be. He is just controlling in a way. But I did suggest to him to see someone if he is concerned about his mental health and I even called and made him an appointment with someone. He cancelled it and said he didn't think anything was wrong with him after he looked up symptoms for bi-polar. He still thinks he may have ADHD though, but I don't think so with that either. He is a very focused person and follows through with anything that he sets out to accomplish. He also pays attention to things very well and doesn't have any symptoms of that either. Just a butthead, that's all.

Erin

[missychrissy]

He can't very well dx himself anyway. He should have kept that appointment.

[Smplyme89]

He really should have kept the appointment, ultimately what could it hurt??

Honestly I think it just sounds like he has a lack of self control It's not fair that the rest of you (especially poor Ky ) have to suffer because he can't control his a$$-holish moments.

[Ky'sMom]

Forgot to shake my booty over your TERRIFIC grades Christina!!!!

We need a shaking booty smiley or something!!

Congrats to you and that is so great. I hope you are proud of your accomplishment! And don't listen to those a-holes who may be trying to put your down. Some people will b!tch about everything anyway.

Wanted to mention that I am drinking this dark hot chocolate from Caribou Coffee and it is just DIVINE!!! I think I am getting some sort of chocolate high off of it. It is sooooo good!

Erin

[demigraf]

Hi ladies! Have only about 7 min to respond, and am going to work backwards with my response, so this will be a L.I.F.O. reply (last in, first out)...

Erin, I think you should go ahead and encourage your DH to seek professional help for whatever he thinks he needs it for with his self-dx. If anything, it might help to get him set up with regular therapy sessions, and I think some quality time spent in self-reflection can only help with a person's self-improvement.

Aelith, do you think anyone is in danger of coming to physical harm at the reunion? How about bullying/gay baiting? I think if you think any of those things are a possibility, then I would say something to them. Ugh, man. People are so stupid.

Christina, congrats on your grades and I agree with Chrissy. You should feel assured that you're following in her footsteps to provide for her family. Time spent away from Nolan is well-spent, addding up to you being able to do more & provide more for him.

And jumping around a bit... L, I had a wonderful time with you and the twins last Saturday. Beautiful day that day! I adore them, and I love the way that Pony kissed Bodhi's boo-boos when he tumbled from running downhill. I'll post the few photos I have of them playing in the stream. Super cute.

[Aelith]

Thanks ladies for the advice.

I don't think there's any physical danger, but emotional - yes. Snubbing, comments, etc. Small town people can be ridiculous.

Erin, your DH sounds an awful lot like mine. I usually take the bait. I'm going to have to try your method of ignoring/not engaging and see if that helps. I hate it and when he acts like that it makes me think ill of him and our marriage.

[Ky'sMom]

Yes the ignoring works very well on DH also using my sarcastic humor, which he doesn't like but it gets him to stop being so immature. I feel like I always have to be on my A-game though in this respect, like I am a constant comedian of sorts. Luckily though DH is a very good listener and he does listen to me when I am upset, even if I curse him out when I am sick. He will eventually come to me after not talking to me for a few days and apologize and be nice for a little while until he starts is up again.

It took a long time for me to be able to handle his behavior. I really had to calm myself down and basically just view him as a person who doesn't know any better. He still frequently tries to get me to argue with him, he'll give me the bug eyed look and hold his hands up like he is waiting for me to say whatever it is he wants me to say to continue the argument. I'll just say, "you know I'm not going to argue with you." And he will either try to get me to continue to argue (usually about the way I said something when I was telling him about my day, so something totally not worth arguing about) or he will leave because I am ignoring him. The main thing I did to get him to improve his behavior though is to stop caring about his reaction. If he leaves, I now do not care. If he gives me silent treatment, I don't care. I will still be my nice self as well to him and will continue to be until he decides to come around, but not giving a crap is really freeing for me and I think he now sees he doesn't get a reaction out of me like he used to so he has really changed his behavior drastically in the past 2 years or so. I just want him to continue the trend and it seems like he is going backwards the past few months.

Erin

[Gwenn]

Finished work early today and now I'm off for two weeks!!!! Yay!!!! (sorry if I'm a little excited there...)

Sounds like something I could have written....and totally normal. I know DH partially thinks we haven't gotten pg because of timing. I know we have had some months of good timing but definitely a lot of bad ones out there. Not the most active couple and working different shifts doesn't help. Even now if I think timing might be ok, I start to think maybe just maybe and I almost prefer to not even try because than I know for sure it's a no that month. I hinted around this weekend...timing would have been pretty perfect I think and nothing happened (actually last time was probably either late Oct or early Nov...definitely not since getting Molly and that has been 5 weeks now). But like clockwork, he will start hinting around when freaking AF is here. Worst timing ever I think.

Maybe doing IUI would take off the pressure and miscommunication?

Thanks. I am very hopeful that IUI will work for us, but at the same time I'm hoping now that I'm on thyroid hormones that we can just get pg without IUI because it would save us a boatload of money. Actually my RE appointment is for tomorrow - I'm having an ultrasound to look for signs of ovulation. We'll have another chat with the doctor at that time and I'll keep you girls updated.

Thanks Chrissy. I do hate that my time is so split. It makes it hard to make time for anything. Whether it be housework, Nolan, or my poor neglected DH

I just keep telling myself that I know I am doing what is best for us and that is all that matters.

Yes, you are. You're doing the best thing you could do for your family. If people criticize you for that, then know that their good opinion isn't really worth having.

Forgot to shake my booty over your TERRIFIC grades Christina!!!!

We need a shaking booty smiley or something!!

Congrats to you and that is so great. I hope you are proud of your accomplishment! And don't listen to those a-holes who may be trying to put your down. Some people will b!tch about everything anyway.

Wanted to mention that I am drinking this dark hot chocolate from Caribou Coffee and it is just DIVINE!!! I think I am getting some sort of chocolate high off of it. It is sooooo good!

Erin

Oh, that sounds so good!

I'm really sorry about your DH issues. It's too bad the ignore tactic stopped working, but I do have to wonder if maybe you being sick isn't tied in with it somehow. It's very hard to deal with someone who is overly critical.

[Bridget]

Erin! I really cannot believe how similar your dh is to my dbf. And oddly enough, we've been getting along much better since I have pretty much taken your advice and applied it to my relationship with him. I was recently telling some friends that I had a friend who gave me the advice to basically not give a sh!t and it's working so well. You will probably laugh to know that sometimes when I am at my boiling point I think to myself what you would be doing in that situation and it helps me to remain calm.`

Lydia and Myles, I cannot wait to see pics.
Ack! I wanted to write more Sawyer keeps coming over and banging on my keyboard. That's his way of asking me very kindly to get of my computer

[daylilies]

I have a question to pose to you guys...when your children are being pains in the butt, how do you not take it personally? I mean how do you cope? How do I not take it personally when he is definitely aiming his anger/frustration/whatever right at me?

And how do you feel about children's abilities to manipulate? How do you know when they are just trying to get their way and when something more complex is going on? DH is convinced that Josh just does everything to get his way. We don't give in a lot, but I don't believe in being as strict as DH wants to be. What kind of rules do you guys have about eating the whole thing at meal time, doing things the way we would like them done vs. "just being a kid" and doing it his way, etc.

Does this make any sense? I feel like I don't know which battles to pick anymore.

[Gwenn]

I think sometimes with kids you just have to rely on your knowledge of the kid and differences between one situation and the next. Sometimes it's hard.

[Bridget]

Kate that really is so hard. The whole eating thing is a struggle here too. What I have found to be the most effective is sort of like Erin's tactics with her dh. I don't give sh!t if you eat or not!! lol. I am so kidding but kind of not. They come to the table and if they say anything rude about it then they have to leave the kitchen and walk back in fresh. They can say, "I don't care for that" or "No thank you." I always try to put at least one or two things out that I know they will eat. But they don't have to finish. And if they don't want to eat at all I make sure to let them know that this is dinner and when it's done it's done.
I also understand the not taking it personally. I have been struggling with this since Savana started school since she is doing all sorts of things that I tried to get her to do here that she fought me tooth and nail on and she does totally willingly for her teachers. I just keep reminding myself what they say about children behaving the craziest for the people they trust the most.
What sort of things is he doing that you find manipulating? Something that helps me is if I step back and ask myself why I want something a certain way. Is it purely a matter my wants over hers or is it a safety/health issue? I've learned a lot this year about myself and my parenting and the majority of that learning involved letting go of the picture of what I wanted to happen and just rolling with the punches.

[missychrissy]

Thanks ladies for the advice.

I don't think there's any physical danger, but emotional - yes. Snubbing, comments, etc. Small town people can be ridiculous.

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised in that if something is said and you call the person on it, I would expect others to back you up. I'm from a small town in upstate NY and gay bashing isn't really socially acceptable here any more. There are a few 'rednecks' that still think it's ok, but it's very easy to put them in their place and I've always had others on my side on that issue.

Finished work early today and now I'm off for two weeks!!!! Yay!!!! (sorry if I'm a little excited there...)

I don't blame you! I'm excited to be off from this Friday till the first Wednesday of the year myself.

I have a question to pose to you guys...when your children are being pains in the butt, how do you not take it personally? I mean how do you cope? How do I not take it personally when he is definitely aiming his anger/frustration/whatever right at me?

And how do you feel about children's abilities to manipulate? How do you know when they are just trying to get their way and when something more complex is going on? DH is convinced that Josh just does everything to get his way. We don't give in a lot, but I don't believe in being as strict as DH wants to be. What kind of rules do you guys have about eating the whole thing at meal time, doing things the way we would like them done vs. "just being a kid" and doing it his way, etc.

Does this make any sense? I feel like I don't know which battles to pick anymore.

Kate that really is so hard. The whole eating thing is a struggle here too. What I have found to be the most effective is sort of like Erin's tactics with her dh. I don't give sh!t if you eat or not!! lol. I am so kidding but kind of not.

They can say, "I don't care for that" or "No thank you." I always try to put at least one or two things out that I know they will eat. But they don't have to finish. And if they don't want to eat at all I make sure to let them know that this is dinner and when it's done it's done.

I just keep reminding myself what they say about children behaving the craziest for the people they trust the most.

That's really difficult Kate, but I agree with Bridget, especially on these points. Kids will eat when they're hungry. Unless there's some severe psychological disorder, they won't starve themselves to death. Or even to illness. Some 'experts' from my past suggested making the kids take a "no-thank-you" helping of everything. That would equal one small teaspoon of whatever it was that they didn't want. I did that for a while, but then someone else said that even as an adult, there are foods we don't like to eat and how would we feel if someone dictated to us that we had to. So...I stopped. I never made my kids eat anything they didn't want to. Jesi didn't eat anything with cheese on or in it for almost 10 years. She's now eating it in certain things. I wouldn't be afraid that letting them skip things will mean they'll never try new foods as an adult. That's not been my experience with my kids at all. In fact, our taste buds do change as we age so it's highly likely that some stuff does taste gross to them that taste good to us and our 'refined' or 'mature' buds. And then there's the whole sensory thing...some people can never get past the feeling of eggs in their mouth! (or whatever).

Basically, my point is that the less you appear to care about what he eats, the less of an issue it will be. And the part about them 'acting up' for the ones they trust the most is absolutely true. They're pushing their limits with us because boundaries make them feel secure. And if they're having a bad day, they know they can be 'ugly' for us and we'll still love them too.

I don't take any of it personally because they're developing children. Maybe reading some human development books would help? I know that's helped me deal with all humans, regardless of their age. We all go through phases in our life, and it brings out varying behaviors.

[missychrissy]

Oh, and fyi...today was actually a good day. I hope saying that didn't just jinx me and make for a bad tomorrow.

[Smplyme89]

Thank you for your support ladies, it really means alot to me

I keep questioning my decision and it doesn't help to have people in my ear constantly telling me what I'm doing wrong

Do you ladies have a FB group?? I have a hard time keeping up in here!

[AbbeysMom]

I've read a lot of the posts but you ladies are quick and I'm still adjusting to the new bright white forum.


Christina, congrats on the grades! That's the closest I can get to Erin's booty-shaking emoticon.

Chrissy, I hope you keep having more good days this week.

Myles and Lydia: Pics of the meetup? And I'm jealous!


As far as eating, it is literally the *one* problem we have with Abbey's behavior (yes, we're very lucky). Dinnertime just sucks the joy our of my day more often than not. My MIL, who has grown very laid back with age, suggested we just let her eat in front of the TV and offer only healthy food, since she eats better watching TV. In principal I disagree with teaching her to eat in front of the TV but I have a really hard time with the spitting out of food onto the floor, constant playing with food, jumping up and knocking over chairs. I feel like I am constantly reprimanding her, and it's a horrible feeling. More than once I've had to leave the table because I started to feel sick. Weirdly, she does OK in restaurants or when eating with other kids, but dinners are horrible.

[missychrissy]

Thank you for your support ladies, it really means alot to me

I keep questioning my decision and it doesn't help to have people in my ear constantly telling me what I'm doing wrong

Do you ladies have a FB group?? I have a hard time keeping up in here!

There's an APA Secular group but it's not really used very much. I added you to it and if you do post I'll be sure to see it and respond.

[Smplyme89]

I've read a lot of the posts but you ladies are quick and I'm still adjusting to the new bright white forum.


Christina, congrats on the grades! That's the closest I can get to Erin's booty-shaking emoticon.




As far as eating, it is literally the *one* problem we have with Abbey's behavior (yes, we're very lucky). Dinnertime just sucks the joy our of my day more often than not. My MIL, who has grown very laid back with age, suggested we just let her eat in front of the TV and offer only healthy food, since she eats better watching TV. In principal I disagree with teaching her to eat in front of the TV but I have a really hard time with the spitting out of food onto the floor, constant playing with food, jumping up and knocking over chairs. I feel like I am constantly reprimanding her, and it's a horrible feeling. More than once I've had to leave the table because I started to feel sick. Weirdly, she does OK in restaurants or when eating with other kids, but dinners are horrible.

Me too the bright white hurts my eyes! and thank you!!

I'm of the opinion that if it works, run with it. She'll outgrow the stage of throwing food, etc (I don't know very many teenagers who do that ) and if sitting in front of the t.v. (while not ideal) causes you less stress and gets her to eat, great! Especially now with #2 on the way

There's an APA Secular group but it's not really used very much. I added you to it and if you do post I'll be sure to see it and respond.

Yay I feel special

[Ky'sMom]

Erin! I really cannot believe how similar your dh is to my dbf. And oddly enough, we've been getting along much better since I have pretty much taken your advice and applied it to my relationship with him. I was recently telling some friends that I had a friend who gave me the advice to basically not give a sh!t and it's working so well. You will probably laugh to know that sometimes when I am at my boiling point I think to myself what you would be doing in that situation and it helps me to remain calm.`

Lydia and Myles, I cannot wait to see pics.
Ack! I wanted to write more Sawyer keeps coming over and banging on my keyboard. That's his way of asking me very kindly to get of my computer

LOL Bridget I am imagining spreading not giving a sh!t mantra around!! But it really is freeing for me and it has carried over into other areas of my life. I was just at my wits end with DH and honestly I did stop giving a crap. Also I do think it bothers me more when I am ill Mandy. Mostly because I actually do give a sh!t then! I really want him to step up and he doesn't and it upsets me so it causes me to do things I normally wouldn't and for him to throw tantrums. It is just all around not good for us. Sometimes I think I take on too much of this for my own good, I internalize it and try to make it more about myself and my reactions versus his behavior but I truly do believe that I am not in control of what he says or does. I can only control myself. When I am sick, my control is not as good and we have issues. It makes me worry about if I ever actually do get a serious illness. I think I have told you ladies before, and I have told DH to his face that I feel I will have to leave him if I get a serious illness because I don't feel I can depend on him to help me and to do the things I wouldn't be able to do. The thought saddens me but for now it is true. DH gets really p!ssed when I mention this as he feels it is demeaning but he knows he doesn't do enough and admits it. He thinks he would step up though if he really needed to, me, I don't think that that will happen.

I have a question to pose to you guys...when your children are being pains in the butt, how do you not take it personally? I mean how do you cope? How do I not take it personally when he is definitely aiming his anger/frustration/whatever right at me?

And how do you feel about children's abilities to manipulate? How do you know when they are just trying to get their way and when something more complex is going on? DH is convinced that Josh just does everything to get his way. We don't give in a lot, but I don't believe in being as strict as DH wants to be. What kind of rules do you guys have about eating the whole thing at meal time, doing things the way we would like them done vs. "just being a kid" and doing it his way, etc.

Does this make any sense? I feel like I don't know which battles to pick anymore.

I am similar to Bridget with dinner. I really don't care if the kids eat dinner. I also don't think that kids are really all that manipulative, especially at Josh's age. He is just 5. They do silly things. I just accept that 5 year olds are silly. Ky is 9 and he is silly not as silly as a 5 year old though. I also remember being 9 and thinking crazy things and doing crazy thing and not knowing why I did those things. Plus my son is a sweetheart and he is just goofy and fun. He does not have a mean streak. You more than likely know your own kid's personality as his mom. Do you think that he has a manipulative personality and if so what are the characteristics? What does your DH think Josh is being manipulative about?? I ask because he may be like my own DH who thinks Ky is manipulative about every freaking thing under the sun. He cannot see that Ky doesn't put lotion on just because he is a silly boy and most boys and girls at 9 don't really care all that much about putting on lotion. He thinks that if Ky loses his jacket or coat (he has lost both in the past month, we luckily found his coat after the 3rd time of going through the lost and found bags at his school) that he is doing it on purpose so that we will buy him a new jacket/coat. The truth is Ky is not concerned with jackets and coats. He gets hot outside at recess and will leave it out, then he will remember but by that time someone has picked it up and brought it to lost and found. DH still swears, even after we found his coat, that Ky wants another coat, even though Ky likes his coat and could care less about fashion and such.


The way I speak to DH about it is for him to try to remember being a little boy and what he thought about certain things in his boy life. Like deodorant or homework, which is another issue that DH thinks Ky is being manipulative about. He thinks Ky doesn't want to do homework even though Ky will beg me to stay up late and finish because he doesn't want to disappoint his teachers. I just try to point these things out to him and try to encourage him to get to know Ky better before making these judgements about him. DH is really a nice guy most of the time. He is very sweet when he wants to be. Ky is sweet all the time (even though he hates it when I say this) and he is a whole lot like DH in this respect. I try to point this out to DH as well. That he is just a boy and for him to stop demonizing him and think about the silly things he used to say and do. When DH does this he admits that he never wanted to not eat something just to get at his mom. He just didn't like cucumbers or her cooking. He thinks his mom is a horrible cook to this day LOL! Ky doesn't like tomatoes or onions or mushrooms or bell peppers so I don't make him eat them and when DH tries to get all upset about it I tell DH that if Ky needs to eat those things, then we need to go and get some cucumbers and watermelon (DH is a freak who doesn't like watermelon) for him to eat. He usually changes his tune and really he rarely says anything about Ky not eating something now or Elle. He just says what I say. "That's alright, that leaves more for me to eat!"

Erin

[Ky'sMom]

Oh, Kate forgot to mention that nothing my kids do gets to me personally. They are still very young kids and don't really have the capacity IMO to be vengeful or manipulative or any other negative characteristics. They can say whatever they want about me or do whatever and I just let it slide right off of my back. I love them. That is that. If they have a tantrum or scream or yell or throw things or break windows or destroy expensive items in my house, I will still love them. I try to stay grounded in that. Because of that I rarely even raise my voice to them. And I have found that the more calm I am in my response, the less likely that the child will have a severe melt down.

I admit that as Ky is getting older, he is really working my nerves. But I just remember I love him and I want the best for him. The best for him is for me to not be a crazy psycho fire breathing witch over the normal rebellious, talking back stuff that he will and currently is doing at times. I also make it a point to be very swift with my response to this sort of behavior and I will dismiss either child from my presence immediately when they are disrespectful especially.

Elle has started to scream at me and stomp her foot at times. I just look at her. It is pretty funny but I don't laugh. And I tell her that I never scream at her or stomp my feet so she needs to go to her room until she is ready to apologize.

Ky is getting a smart mouth and I am similar to him. I also let him know that I am the mom and I am in control of a lot of aspects of his life right now. That I do my best to make sure he is happy. That I think of his feelings with all our interactions and I would appreciate it if he did the same for me. He always apologizes after these sorts of discussions and really just me speaking to him about how he hurt my feelings when he said or did whatever he said or did, usually makes him tear up. He is really sensitive though. But I am really no nonsense about regular kid stuff. They will scream and yell and tantrum and talk back and do things that drive me crazy but I love them and I will continue to love them and I make sure to speak to them in a regular tone of voice about how much I love and respect them and I hope they will treat me and others the same way. They usually do.

Erin