I didn't think you were being dismissive at all. You responded Changing the topic to geeky forum stuff is actually helpful. I need diversions I think.
Just a f/u to the post earlier about Rich. Tonight he filled me in more and the dr is treating him for now for tendonitis. She felt it is a repetitive motion injury, which of course he'd have sustained from work. He's supposed to make an appointment with an orthopedic dr, but of course he hasn't yet. He did tell his employer what the dr said, and all they replied with was, "let us know" I'm afraid that if the ortho confirms that or in any other way dx's it as a work related injury, Rich is going to have a hard time getting compensation from his work. They're just that way. And if they put up too many roadblocks, Rich won't pursue it.
On a different topic, tell me if I should be annoyed about this or not. I have two accounts that I ended up putting Rich's name on with mine just so he'd have access to them. A few years ago a mutual friend's husband died, and the wife had some difficulty getting the bank accounts switched to her name. Just from that we decided it would be easiest to have both our names on the accounts, even though I was the only one paying the bills, just in case. I didn't want Rich to have to mess with getting stuff switched over to his name or have trouble accessing money at a time like that.
He's decided recently (like last week) that he's going to be responsible and pay his own bills himself. At least his credit card and garbage bill. He opened a 3rd account in just his name. At first blush, I really don't care. It's his money, his account, and I certainly don't feel like I need access to it. He does give generously to help with the week-to-week expenses. But a small sliver of me (the one looking for trouble?) thinks about that entire conversation about why we added him to mine and I think...wtf? Tell me I'm being ridiculous about this.
I was thinking the same thing. Honestly though I think each person in a marriage should have their own account. I have 3 accounts that are only in my name and a joint account with DH for bills. He is my POD though so I don't have to worry about him having access to the accounts if I die before him (POD=payable on death). I have my mom secondary since she would get our kids if both DH and I die together and minors are not allowed to be beneficiaries of bank accounts unless it is a trust. See all my banking history is coming out...
I hope Rich fights for his workman's compensation if it is a work injury. He actually should have gone to the company's doctors so that they can detail his injury themselves. We have a lot of WC claims right now at my job and I handle them. I admit they are a PITA and I hate it when I get calls that someone injured themselves but I make sure to send them to the clinic and follow procedure. If they are due a claim, we make sure they get it as well. I just don't like the paperwork.
Your DBF sounds like my DH Bridget with the bravado. DH always has my back and I actually am afraid to tell him if someone is bothering me because he will go and find me and want to kick their a$$. He is really not violent either but he is very protective of me and the kids so I make sure only to tell him certain things that happen to me. He got up in a homeless guy's face one day who wouldn't leave me alone while I was pumping gas and I was afraid the police would get called since the homeless guy was very combative as well and DH was just POd about it. He thinks I'm just such a nice sweet person he says, and he doesn't want to see me get bothered. I joke with him that he wants to be the only person who bothers me LOL!
Chrissy forgot to say VA-VA-VA-VOOOOM!!! About your avatar. Very sexy! I want to be like you when I grow up!
As for protective DHs, we had an interesting discussion recently. When I had my HSG I remember asking him to come watch the procedure and he refused to go. He always refuses to - he wouldn't stay when the RE did my ultrasound/pap at the first appointment, either - but I remember when he was in the hospital with pneumonia he specifically asked me not to leave him alone with the doctors so I always find it a little odd that he won't go with me in the doctor's office. He told me recently that he doesn't think he could stand to watch anyone hurting me, even if it was the doctor and he knew it was for a good reason, because he didn't think he could control himself watching someone cause me pain. I can't decide if I think that's disturbing or sweet.
Aww, I think it's sweet.
Gwenn, I meant to ask you, I know you know mostly about children's speech, right? But I was wondering if you or any of you have thoughts on this.
Josh says he can't control a lot of his actions. Like he does this eye rolling thing (and I know he gets it from me, because I do that when I'm irritated, a lot) but he tells me he can't control it. Even a couple times I hadn't said anything that would cause eye rolling and he did it and said, frustrated, "Ugh! I can't control this eye rolling thing!"
Another thing he does is if he's supposedly really hungry or thirsty he'll make this horrid gagging noise and he'll say "If I don't eat/drink right now I'll cry!" and no matter how I try to console him (like if we are out and can't get him nourishment ASAP) he'll continue into more gagging and crying.
Thoughts? Is he being dramatic or is something else going on?
They don't come across like compulsions, like hand-washing, do they? It doesn't sound like it from the way you describe it.
So I'm feeling kind of like a bad wife today/tonight. I don't know if it's because we are STC or what, but it seems like I always have to be the one to initiate. And when I try to let DH know it's about that time in my cycle, he never seems to be prepared. I know a lot of men who are STC start to get performance anxiety and I think we've come to that but he doesn't talk about it. When he is out of town for a while and comes back, it's never an issue and he always enjoys himself but once we're back to regular BD it's like he wants me to prep him in advance or he isn't in the mood. Well, 2-3 nights ago he had a raging migraine and I knew not to even bother him but last night I "warned him" and he didn't say anything about it. I get self-conscious about having to always be the one to initiate, and I actually stayed up watching part of a movie on my ipad and mentally being annoyed with him for never being in the mood. I was making myself actually angry about it. At one point he got up and asked what I was doing, and I said I was watching a movie and it was almost over and then I'd come to bed. Anyway, I ended up coming to bed at like 12:45. When my alarm went off, DH was still in bed (which is unusual for him, he goes to bed and wakes up early). He complained that he didn't sleep at all last night and when I asked why, he said it was because he was waiting for me to come to bed so we could try. Meanwhile I was in the living room annoyed with him for not being in the mood. He was exhausted and ended up sleeping most of the morning after I went to work, and now he said his migraine is back so he went to bed already (at 8:00). He said he wasn't up to anything tonight because he feels so rotten but we would try tomorrow.
What is my problem? Part of it is DH doesn't put out a lot of signals, but I have to question why I was so annoyed with him while he was waiting for me in the bedroom. Then again, I have REALLY not been in the mood lately. I kind of think sometimes when he is not here it's sort of a relief to write a cycle off, not having to worry about whether or not I'm pg and just expect that AF will come. Once I BD, I start wondering and worrying about it. So maybe I'm sabotaging myself? Or maybe we're both sabotaging? Or maybe we're just completely incompatible. I have no idea. Somebody make me feel better about this. I know, TMI.
Second question - do you think anything he does is "ritualistic"? Like, for example, having to do things in a specific pattern every single time - like touching a tree every time you walk past it?
Last edited by Gwenn; 12-16-2011 at 08:57 PM.
You guys, my sister sent me her itinerary for the Mexico trip over Christmas, and she booked her stay at the wrong hotel!!!!!! We're all going - our whole family in one suite, my mom and my MIL in the suite next to ours, and my sister and my bil hemmed and hawed for a bit and finally decided to go along several weeks after we'd made our reservations. I thought they weren't going. My sister first said it's not really a traditional Christmas to be in Mexico (ha ha- not true for our family), and then she said it was too expensive, and said she'd get back to me. Well, one day she called me and said she'd made reservations to go as well. I was really surprised, and said I thought she wasn't going, and she should have talked to me about it, because she could have coordinated with me, and my travel agent could have helped her get the same plane flights or at least similar ones, and request a room near ours. It's a big resort.
Turns out she accidentally booked her room at the sister resort, which is a brief shuttle ride away from ours. She thinks her travel agency decided to randomly choose another hotel for her to stay at without her permission, but it seems obvious that since both hotels have the same name but different modifiers and she didn't know that there were two hotels, she probably just said the first part of the name and asked for the least expensive option or something like that. I had sent her the actual link to the hotel and everything, but she didn't use it and she never realized she booked for a different hotel. She is not secretly in favor of this the way I might be, either. She's already been pushing to plan for group dinners at the nice restaurants (to which I replied have you seen how many kids I have and how they tolerate sitting for meals?) and schedule our time together.
This is going to be yet another Christmas I've ruined and will hear about until I die, I just know it. DH is telling me to think of her as if she's a developmentally delayed child throwing a temper tantrum.
Since I found out about this, I've been in kind of a constantly elevated state of alert. Maybe a code orange threat level.
L, I think your DH's advice is a good idea. It seems like your sister expects your family to be something you are not, and that will only disappoint her. Too bad she can't celebrate the very special people you actually are, which is much more interesting and fun.
I didn't always 'tell' DH when it was that time, I just pounced on him-all the while him thinking for no apparent reason! Really helps with the ego boost
Also, maybe a bit TMI, but morning BD was our friend. DH tends to be more sensitive in the a.m. and it's awesome when I wasn't really feeling like it, but knew we had too
Mandy, the scenarios you described between you and dh do not sound out of the ordinary to me. Not that dbf and I are the picture of a healthy relationship but we have nights like that. Particularly nights where we are both showered (our version of foreplay) and he is sitting in the recliner on his computer, appearing to be playing poker. So I bring my laptop to the couch and just dink around. When I finally fall asleep on the couch or get up to go to bed because I'm annoyed he's not joined me on the couch, turns out he's annoyed I got laptop and was "waiting for me to be done" so he could join me on the couch. It turns out we're both annoyed for the same reason. I think it just happens that way sometimes, especially if one or both have other stresses or issues (migraine). Then when you add the fact that you guys are stc, it's only natural that on occassion, the pressure builds up and sucks some of the spontaneity and fun out of it. I hope things are better today.
Lydia, I love your dh's advice. I am so sorry your sister might ruin this trip. Is there no possible way for her to change it now? I suppose not. Maybe put her name out there in case of a cancellation? Man, I would be so annoyed if I were you!
When dbf's mom was here she told him that she needed some work done on the other side of her duplex since her long time renters would be moving out. So the plan has been for him to go over and do the work for her. At that time she suggested he bring either Savana or Kai with. In line with my decision of keeping the peace during her visit, I just smiled and nodded as I did many times during her stay here. Now we're not sure that he will be able to do the work. He hurt his wrist pretty badly in the accident where our elderly neighbor slammed into the back of his truck a few months ago. He's been in physical therapy and now is scheduled for corrective surgury. He may try to do the work before the surgury, or now they are discussing him going over there afterwards to recupurate from the surgury. She is still saying he should bring Savana or Kai. I am just in turmoil over this because they are both going to want to go and we have to choose one. The one that does not get to go is going to be devastated! I'd like to say that we are not a family where everything has to "fair" because although we try, I do stress to my children that someone is always going to have something they don't and they are always going to have something that someone else does not. That is just a way of life and I don't want my kids growing up thinking that everything must always be equal. So "It's not fair" does not get anyone very far around here. But this is big. They both love their Oma, and their cousin lives there. We rarely see them and it's such a huge treat to travel. There is a part of me that feels really annoyed that he won't just bring both of them. They are such good kids I really don't think it would be that hard especially since his mom and sister will be right there. But no one has even suggested that possibility and when I mentioned it to him he was just astounded that I thought that would work. I'm just sick with worry over this because I'm really not looking forward to basically breaking one of their hearts over this.
Last edited by Bridget; 12-17-2011 at 05:12 AM.
Bridget, I would feel the same way and I would let them know that it is both or none. That is far too long and special of a trip for just one kid to go. It's one thing to be unfair, but this is really really really unfair to one kid.
"Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov
L, I'm so sorry about the hotel fiasco!
Mandy, it must feel like a chore to "have to" have sex instead of just wanting to especially if you're not in the mood anyway. I agree maybe you shouldn't tell DH when it's that time in your cycle. Put on something that makes you feel sexy, maybe have a glass of wine or a nice aphrodisiac meal beforehand (oysters anyone?) and have some fun.
I confess DH and Josh went out early this morning to the mall to shop for me and I slept until 10:15. It didn't feel that late. I expected to look at the clock and see 8:30 or so.
In our house, Rich initiates 99% of the time. I almost never say no, even when we have issues going on. I swear I think that's what has kept us together because I do worry about whether I'd ever find someone else as 'into' me as he seems to be. 19+ years and still an average of 3-4 times a week. We slowed down to twice a week for a couple months this summer/fall when I was really feeling out of sorts with him, but that was the only lull I remember having. Maybe he doesn't love me at all...he's just in lust with my body.
Well Chrissy, I think we all agree you're hot. Is that a bad thing? LOL
Maybe that's our problem. I have zero interest lately (it's one of the things I went to the doctor for, and got a referral for an appt. next year)
It's definitely TMI but I have a lot of issues stemming from the spina bifida and it has definitely gotten worse over the years. It's very hard on DH because he equates sex with love and I just don't. I think the depression has a lot to do with it too. I have very low body image and self esteem lately. Why would I want to get naked for someone else when I can barely stand myself?
Kate, no wonder with SB issues and depression you aren't in the mood. I'm feeling the same way and I suspect it isn't just TTC-related blues, but my thyroid, too. I just don't feel good about myself and this sluggishness that seems to come on when my thyroid is out of whack is really something else. So I can relate.