Secular Confessions

[Gwenn]

Myles, I'm trying to think of some good advice for you and I have some conflicting ideas in my head.

Part of my wants to say that it is best to remain calm and unemotional.

Another part of me wants to say that with some of the kids I worked with, we made a point of saying - dramatically enough to get the point across but without anger or hostility - "That hurts me." And then move on/ignore. If he is seeking attention or a reaction my second suggestion would be counter-productive, but if it's simply a reaction in the moment to being removed from the situation I suspect increasing his awareness that you are being hurt is not a bad thing.

I absolutely do not think it is coming from anything he has witnessed in you. I unfortunately have seen a lot of kids with severe delays and it seems that the lower the skills, the more "violent" reactions can get and often there is no violence on the part of their parents or caregivers. I believe those physical reactions (hitting/violence) come through when kids are just so far out of themselves that words fail them and they resort to pure emotion. So don't think of it as something you did or he witnessed, think of it as how much his emotions are affecting him/making him forget all he's learned in how to interact with people in a rational/social way.

I definitely agree that it's best to prepare in advance to avoid situations like this. Really when you're in that moment of hiting/biting you've reached crisis level, and I was taught simply to not allow yourself to get to crisis management. Not to say I haven't been there plenty of times, it's just that when you're there, there's not a lot that is helpful to get out of it. You just have to let it pass. Sometimes that means hands off and wait it out, like Chrissy described.

Hope it passes quickly. It is a phase and a normal one for his age.

[Gwenn]

AF came today. I called the RE's office and they don't want to do the ultrasound on Wednesday. They're having me come in on CD 16 to do it then, to see if I ovulate this month. I guess they figure last month is in the past. Not sure how I feel about that - don't really want to pay out of pocket for the ultrasound for no good reason, but I'd love some more information about what is going on.

[Bridget]

AF came today. I called the RE's office and they don't want to do the ultrasound on Wednesday. They're having me come in on CD 16 to do it then, to see if I ovulate this month. I guess they figure last month is in the past. Not sure how I feel about that - don't really want to pay out of pocket for the ultrasound for no good reason, but I'd love some more information about what is going on.

Dammit.

[girlwonder]

I'm sorry, Gwenn. I don't know that I would want to do an ultrasound either - what do you think they can find out?

I'm totally MIA right now and can't keep up with all the posts, sorry friends! I start my Christmas shows on Friday night and will be working every day until Dec. 25th at 2:30 am. Starting to kind of freak out about details right now but I'm trying not to freak out about freaking out because that's just how I roll

[Gwenn]

Dammit.

I know. Thanks. I was really psyching myself up this time - sore boobs, feeling nauseous every time I ate, etc. I have no idea if it's all in my head or I keep miscarrying.

I mentioned in my STC thread, AF was really thin and pinkish - but a ton of it - most of the day today. Totally unlike usual. Now it's a thicker more "normal" flow. Sorry if TMI.

[Gwenn]

I'm sorry, Gwenn. I don't know that I would want to do an ultrasound either - what do you think they can find out?

I'm totally MIA right now and can't keep up with all the posts, sorry friends! I start my Christmas shows on Friday night and will be working every day until Dec. 25th at 2:30 am. Starting to kind of freak out about details right now but I'm trying not to freak out about freaking out because that's just how I roll

He was planning to look for evidence of ovulation - but maybe if AF is here he wouldn't be able to see that? IDK. Last time I saw him he did an ultrasound and it was the day before AF, and he said he could tell by looking at my ovary that it had ovulated that month. I'd like to know if there are months I don't O - that way it might indicate clomid would be an option. I'm not wild about the clomid idea so if I have to take it I'd like to know it's necessary.

[Cosmosmom]

I'm sorry Mandy. Why not just do a progesterone check? I had three cycles monitored with ultrasounds but they did them before ovulation and after checked the blood levels.

And I would personally give clomid a try. It's the reason my DH exists today! I figured it didn't hurt to try and was hoping to get my cycle longer and get me to ovulate a bit later. And the last cycle I had three big follicles. It didn't work but I'm glad I gave it a shot. Plus if you get it at Walmart it's really cheap. My local pharmacy was going to charge like $30 a month (ok so that is still pretty cheap) but walmart was less I think it was $9 a month.

[Gwenn]

When I went in for our office consult, after DH's s/a but before I had my bloodwork done, he did the ultrasound and saw evidence of O that month. Because I have fairly regular periods (usually somewhere between 29-31 days) and have had positive OPKs and evidence of O when temping, he didn't think clomid would help. Initial plan was to do timed IUI without clomid, but if DH's s/a comes back normal after a re-check he will suggest clomid.

I'm a little worried about the side-effects - I've heard they can make you really witchy and I'm bad enough to begin with - so I don't want to unless I need it. We'll see what he says.

I have to get DH in in the next week or so for his next s/a. He got away with not doing it since he was gone last month, but I asked him again tonight to get it scheduled.

Doctor hasn't said anything about progesterone yet - we'll see what he says when I seem him later this month.

[demigraf]

Gwenn, I can't possibly picture you being witchy! I'm so sorry that AF came and that this is such an emotional roller coaster for you.

Thank you so, so, much girls for the support and responses to my questions about Bodhi hitting. I will try harder to avert crises. I already used Bridget's/L's suggestion tonight of having him say bye to things to get him out of the shower. The advice I get from you on here is so awesome.

[3andMe]

Gwenn, I'm really sorry. I am glad that you are working with an office that seems to be taking the time to figure out what is going on and working with you, and hope that everything falls into place soon.

Mylah, I was picturing just kind of a walking up and walloping Mommy out of the blue situation, maybe at home, sort of a one-hit wonder, and not a fists-flying temper tantrum. It's not as easy to calmly take a hand and say "Gentle" when they're in the midst of a rage. Pony has done that sort of thing too, so don't just think that my kids are these calm, polite children who always listen and respond well to instruction. They are not. Every time you see them they're always older than Bodhi, so they give an appearance of having more maturity, and we never schedule outings when they're tired or hungry. First, I would protect myself by physically restraining her hands and getting far enough away from kicking feet; get down to her level and say "We do NOT hit Mommy! That HURTS Mommy." Repeat a couple of times and do whatever toddler talk is necessary about the situation that upset her, like "You want to play in the park. You want to play in the park. You don't want to leave. You want to play. But we have to leave. We are going to the car now. Can you find Mommy's car? Where is it? Do you know what's in the car? Yes, your water! And a banana!" (Gradually more complex as she calms down, adding distraction and things to do.) You can look for green signs on the way back, and Tony can look for yellow signs.

I also do say, in either situation, "That hurts Mommy!" with a sad face. Mine have been hitting each other since they were little, so one of the things I've been doing has been focusing on the victim. If one of the twins hit the other one, I had them look at the victim and see how sad he was, because he was hurt. If she (because it was usually she) paused to notice, I would ask if there was anything she could do to make him feel better. Sometimes there were some really cute and creative things they came up with, more than just a kiss or a hug. Sometimes they brought each other toys, sometimes one of them would do a little dance or a trick for the other one. I like to think that this is the foundation of empathy.

I learn so much from APA too! One of the doctors I work with has a 6-month-old, and she saves up baby-related questions for me, because she has realized that I "know everything," as she puts it. She once asked me how to deal with wiggly diaper changes and how to deal with biting while breastfeeding, and I gave her good answers for both of those. She asked how I knew and I told her that I'd been on a mom forum for five years or so and had seen questions and answers to things like that for a long time. She doesn't work every day, and I don't work every day, so when we see each other she rushes up to me with a list of questions, all of which I answer with my APA knowledge. Her MIL had been lightly slapping her baby on the hand to keep him still while changing him, and she hated it, but couldn't give her workable alternatives until she talked to me. I felt kind of like a superhero that day.

Oh, btw, Pony said last night that she wants her old name back. Pony was nice for a day, but she likes her real name.

ETA: I forgot to mention that DH bought a new car. It cannot really fit 3 car seats in the back seat, and it's more expensive than I would like, but I tried really hard to stay out of it after making some noises about at least it would be good to have 4 doors. He has been saying his old car (a hand-me-down from me) is pretty dangerous on his commute and he spends so much time driving that he needs to have something with a lot of power and handling, something he enjoys. He ended up getting a Subaru WRX. When I first met him, he had really bad credit and continued to not be too responsible about paying all of his bills on time during his college years. I paid off a lot of his credit cards when we got married and added him on to my credit cards and we've been slowly rebuilding his credit, and this is the first major purchase he's ever made using his own credit, so I'm proud of him on one hand while anxious about the financial aspect on the other hand. Probably why I woke up at 3:30 this morning after going to bed at 11.

[Aelith]

AF came today. I called the RE's office and they don't want to do the ultrasound on Wednesday. They're having me come in on CD 16 to do it then, to see if I ovulate this month. I guess they figure last month is in the past. Not sure how I feel about that - don't really want to pay out of pocket for the ultrasound for no good reason, but I'd love some more information about what is going on.

I'm sorry, Gwenn...

[missychrissy]

AF came today. I called the RE's office and they don't want to do the ultrasound on Wednesday. They're having me come in on CD 16 to do it then, to see if I ovulate this month. I guess they figure last month is in the past. Not sure how I feel about that - don't really want to pay out of pocket for the ultrasound for no good reason, but I'd love some more information about what is going on.

I'm so sorry Mandy. I was so upset to read this this morning.

Congrats to your dh L on the new car purchase on his own! I hope he manages the payments well. Does he handle all that himself, or do you keep an eye on the bills? I'm curious because in my house I've been the one to pay the bills for many, many years and just recently I signed Rich up for a credit card (yep, I did it, it's probably identity theft but he needed to establish credit and never would have thought to do it himself). Anyway, I gave it to him and told him to have fun but he'd be paying it on his own so think carefully before making any purchases with it. If 'something' comes up and 'we' need to use it as a family then our family budget will pay it off...but I don't foresee that happening. I'm a little worried about it, but I cannot take care of him any more. He needs to take financial responsibility for himself.

[missychrissy]

Oh, and I had to Google the Subaru WRX...cute car!

[3andMe]

I have to make the payments for everything. I take care of all of the finances. I have actually taken to opening his mail, because I'm worried that he will get something in the mail that needs to be done and he won't do it. He has gotten cited for 6-month late expired tags because of that, before I started doing things on my own. He has known he needed to get a new passport since July, and I have been asking and asking, and he finally went in last week to do it (we go to Mexico in 3 weeks) and had to pay extra to have it expedited. Another thing I've been stressing about, and I could not do that one myself. On my to-do list today is to renew his driver's license. I think I can do it online. I understand, but am bummed, about Kaiser's policy to not allow another adult access to a competent adult's medical files, because I cannot renew his prescriptions online or email his doctor something that has been on his to-do list for 3 years. He is a classic absent-minded professor. He is awesome at his job, terrible at mundane tasks he has no interest in.

[missychrissy]

That's exactly how it is in our house. I just blamed it on Rich needing a 'mommy' though and haven't thought about any other reason why he'd leave all that up to me. Years and years ago, he was 'in charge' of the finances and I ended up having my license suspended for 42 days because he neglected to pay our car insurance. I think that's when I took over. To this day I won't 'let' him have control over anything that's time-sensitive like that.

As far as talking to dr's or whatever, I have spoke on the phone with someone and said I was him. The customer service person sounded shocked that "Richard" sounded so feminine, but was too polite to comment.

[Cosmosmom]

Mandy, I didn't feel at all witchy on clomid. What I did have was big time O pain BUT I normally have that and had follicles that were over 30mm and I think that was part of the problem. That said, I don't know that I would want to waste time and money doing an IUI without clomid. When my sister is ready to have a baby (and she will have to do IUI with a donor)...I will suggest she talk to the doctor about using clomid at the same time.

L, that is kind of sad that Pony wants to go back to her real name. That was a cute story!
Also, can't Kaiser let your DH sign paperwork allowing you access? I usually do my DH's medical things but we don't have the online access set up here just yet. It's coming in the next few months I think (part of it was being a huge system and getting all parts up to speed and in the same place).

Had to call the city this morning as DH said he slid like 15 feeting turing to turn near our house and he was only going 10 mph to begin with. Last year they sanded that intersection.

[3andMe]

Competent adults can't turn over their medical access to someone else. He could sign a form allowing me to see his medical records, but the online access allows me to do a lot of stuff, and I can only do stuff for people under 18, for whom I'm a parent or guardian.

[Cosmosmom]

Dh takes care of the bills. He's good with money and really responsible and organized. I tend to take more care of the medical side since insurance is through me, I kept track of everything when we were building the house, dogs medications, and the adoption paperwork....I'm usually fairly organized too.

Part of why I think adjusting to a baby is going to be really rough on us. We are used to a house that generally more calm and quiet (minus sports and some dog barking). Things are pretty orderly and organized and we are used to having a lot of relaxation and free time.

I think right now we are still going to do it and have one child (would have been so much easier to just get pg years ago and not have all this time to think and rethink and rethink again). But kind of hoping that it takes a while to get the call....I need to get Molly trained and mature enough, need more money, and would really like to get his mom up here to help us out and will be at least a year before that can happen.

[Cosmosmom]

Maybe a dumb question but if it's online, how do they know it's you accessing and not your DH? I mean couldn't he do the setup and than just give you the passwords?

[3andMe]

Ah, well, he could give me his passwords, but he does not do that. I don't know any of his passwords. That would be easy, wouldn't it?

[missychrissy]

Jennifer, I don't think anyone is ever fully prepared for a child. And even if they think they are, they're usually in for a huge surprise when said child arrives. But it's a good thing.

[missychrissy]

I haven't really intervened with Rich's health care. But that' easy 'cause unless he has carbon monoxide poisoning (really happened) he doesn't see a dr. When I was on the phone telling the lady my name was Richard, it was over the satellite bill or something.

[3andMe]

I mostly want to be able to refill dh's prescriptions because he forgets to do it online and we suddenly have to stop our weekend expeditions to go to the pharmacy and do it in person, and then also talk to his doctor about getting his OTC heartburn as a prescription, which would save us hundreds of dollars a year.

[raspberry]

Mandy, I am sorry this wasn't it, I was really hoping it was.

L, that story about Tony and Pony is too funny!

Now that G is old enough to talk and think we are constantly laughing around here. His alter ego is an orange dog named Rufus. If we ask G to do something, he transforms into Rufus, and drops to all fours and barks. Sometimes I literally have to pinch myself to keep from laughing at him at times when he's naughty.

Our neighbor has two RC cars that Gilly is IN LOVE WITH. Last evening, Gilly was chasing the neighbors dog, while the dog chased the rc car, G was laughing and squealing in sheer delight. It was pretty danged funny.

I need to remove the coupon deals on my facebook, I thought I was all done shopping until I see the Disney Store has free shipping and 20% off, before I knew it I have a RC Mater on my credit card. I may have to hold some of these things back for his birthday.

[Ky'sMom]

I do all our finances and calling about mundane things as well. I do leave certain things up to DH though, like his vehicle registration. He has a special tag so it is more expensive on his truck and so I do not go pay it for him. He has to do it himself. I do budget the amount but if he is late he has to take that money out of his own allowance. He has only been late once out of the last 3 years that I remember.

He also doesn't do all the doctor stuff himself. I request the forms from the doctor and I print them and fill them out and have him sign them. I also have the password to our online portal at our doctor's office. I will even go with DH to the doctor if it is something I feel is serious. He used to get upset about this but now thinks it is nice and he admitted he feels cared about when I do this for him. I just don't want him to keel over on me and not know what for though LOL!

So sorry Mandy about this most recent cycle. It must be so frustrating for you. I hope your RE can do something.

Sorry Myles, I really don't have any advice about hitting. I think you have gotten great advice though and I too get asked a lot of things regarding parenting and people tell me I'm knowledgeable about the subject and should teach a parenting class. I don't think I'm qualified for that though. But my kids were never hitters. Ky was wild about leaving the park especially when he was 2-3 years old it was the worst so I stopped taking him to the park for a while. I would talk to him about how I would like to take him to the park but he was always flipping out and I didn't want him to be so upset and angry about leaving. After a few discussions, about 2 months worth, I told him I was going to take him and that I understood if he was sad when we left but that I didn't expect him to flip out. He was sad but didn't tantrum, he was just upset and in his little tude mood for a while after we left. He is still all tudey when we leave parks or one of our friend's houses that he likes to this day.

ETA: I remember I took him to the zoo actually for our first outing. I had a picture taken at one of those sitting picture booths at the zoo because he was so well behaved. He kept telling me "see Mommy, I'm not upset!!!" or "Mommy, I'm not going to flip out even though I'm mad!" It was hilarious and we had a great time. The top of the picture says "We had a GREAT day at the Zoo!" and we did. I keep that picture framed at home. It was the beginning of a turnaround for Ky in regards to his crazy tantrums. He was a few months past 3 at the time.

Erin

[missychrissy]

I love Ky!

[Bridget]

I love Ky too! What a great kid.

[daylilies]

That's so cute Erin!

We're thinking about getting a dog soon and we've been trying to prep Josh. He gets very excited and our cats are very docile and don't mine Josh jumping up and down and waving his hands in their face but we're afraid a dog, especially a younger one may not react well at first. So we're trying to get Josh to keep a little more calm and control his body movements a bit more. It's hard but he's trying. We're signing him up for karate in January because we've heard it's great for learning some discipline and body control.

[demigraf]

Shelley, so cute about G & Rufus. You get a pet and a child all rolled into one. Just don't forget to Frontline him.

Erin, I heart Ky. I really do.

L, a new Suburu WRX is exciting. Good for J! I actually always pictured him as someone who would be super on top of his credit/finances, so the way you describe him was a bit of a surprise. DH & I have agreed that a Subaru wagon is going to be our next car. While we each have other cars that we'd want more than the Subaru, we can totally agree on it and are enthusiastic about the car, so all good there. If only they had hybrid models, that'd be everything we need.

[Bridget]

Kate, I have always heard karate is great too. I wish I could convince Savana to do it becasue her equilibrium is off but she's not having it. Can I tell you to think long and hard about a dog? You probably already have. I just regret so much that we got one and it went so wrong. They are so much work when you have young children.

Our finances are helter skelter. I just put most of our stuff on our online bank account so now I can do those. I mostly did that so I don't have to listen to dbf b!tch and moan every single time a bill comes through. Oh, if you could hear him. It drives me batty. It's the same bills every month dude! Get used to it! Can you believe we were even still writing checks? Who does that anymore? This conversation reminds me I need to go pay our electric bill.