Secular Confessions

[demigraf]

Funny, kate. The screws-loose types do seem more interesting. But I've had my share of those. I'm happy to be with Mr. Grounded/Salt-of-the-Earth type now. I have plenty of loose screws shaking around up there in my own noggin anyway.

Welcome back, Shelley. Did you change your name again, or did I just wake up too early today?

Suja, here's something that has worked for me before on planes: When getting to my seat with Bodhi, I have in the past, offered my neighbors in front, behind and to my left/right some earplugs from a giant tub of them that I brought on board with me, just in case they'd prefer not to hear whatever sounds may escape from my little barrel of joy. Even if they don't take the offer, at least it seems to create a 360 degree buffer of good will around us for the duration of the flight. If you have time (and it seems you do) you might wanna run out for some of those too.

[Cosmosmom]

I'm good with where I married in life. I was 24 I think when we got married and we had been together since I was 19. I really knew him after 5 years together.

what I do wish though is that we had a baby sooner. The older we get, the less sure I start to feel about it. I wish I could look ahead and see if we would be happier with or without a child. Having a puppy has been hard enough and we are missing out hobby/relaxation time...especially DH. We are going on 14 years of just the two of us...plus a dog for over half that.

[daylilies]

Sometimes I just want a guy who wants to cuddle up and watch a creepy movie with me or go look for odd gravestones and go ghost hunting and stuff. That's the kind of odd I like But I also like hopeless romantics.

Jennifer, what's the puppy weight loss thing?

I suppose I could try the online WW thing. I know WW works really well for a lot of people.

[daylilies]

double post

[daylilies]

double post

[Suja]

I'm good with where I married in life. I was 24 I think when we got married and we had been together since I was 19. I really knew him after 5 years together.

what I do wish though is that we had a baby sooner. The older we get, the less sure I start to feel about it. I wish I could look ahead and see if we would be happier with or without a child. Having a puppy has been hard enough and we are missing out hobby/relaxation time...especially DH. We are going on 14 years of just the two of us...plus a dog for over half that.

You are where we were 2 years ago. I was 24 when we got married, and have been married for 16 years, 10 of those years with a dog. My personal opinion is that this baby thing is a young person's game. It is physically exhausting. On the positive side, I'm infinitely more patient now than I was a decade ago (which is turning out to be a good thing). And I do miss my leisure time terribly. I probably always will. Having a kid is a life changing experience, and not in good ways sometimes - don't let anyone kid you about that. I realize that is not going to be popular opinion, especially on a "mom board".

Me, I would've been perfectly happy with just us and dogs. DH was not. It took him 10+ years to talk me into the kid thing (I'm NOT a kid person, so I had serious reservations). Mira is a great kid. She cracks me up. She also makes me want to hit my head against some immovable object a lot. I just hope that she grows up to be a good person.

[Suja]

Suja, here's something that has worked for me before on planes: When getting to my seat with Bodhi, I have in the past, offered my neighbors in front, behind and to my left/right some earplugs from a giant tub of them that I brought on board with me, just in case they'd prefer not to hear whatever sounds may escape from my little barrel of joy. Even if they don't take the offer, at least it seems to create a 360 degree buffer of good will around us for the duration of the flight. If you have time (and it seems you do) you might wanna run out for some of those too.

Great minds and all that. I have a pack of 24 pairs in my carry-on.

[AbbeysMom]

Just got back from my u/s. Heartbeat of 109 but measuring a week behind where they thought I should be measuring... it actually makes sense with when I tested positives on OPKs but they are scheduling another u/s in a week to check growth.

So more of this:

[daylilies]

Waiting is awful, but I hope it helps to have us waiting with you

[daylilies]

Ha, I love the earplug idea. It seems like people would be less likely to be angry with you if you have a sense of humor about it.

[Gwenn]

That's great they saw a heartbeat.

I didn't test this am. I have been on the edge of coming down with a cold for some time and went to bed early (for me) at 10:30. Was woken up by the dog who had a recurrent ear infection that was bothering him and he was repeatedly shaking his head and the resultant ear-flapping, and the annoyed yelling from DH each time he flapped, woke me up. After 15 minutes of flapping DH got up with him and gave him his ear medicine. Then it was click click click (claws on hardwood) flap click click flap flap click click flap pant flap flap pant click flap for an hour. I am not kidding. DH just stayed up. I realized around 2 that I was full-on dehydrated and achy and fluish so got up, drank a glass of water, and got back to sleep around 2:30.

When I did get out of bed (at 7:40 to get to work by 8:15) I decided I was running too late and feeling to crappy to deal with testing.

Work wasn't much better. Today's treat was an illiterate 18-year-old father of a 4-year-old who admitted that his son could only communicate words he learned from watching wrestling on TV with his father. Oh, and mom is 22 - which would have made her 18 and him 14 when he was born? Isn't that statutory rape? At least dad came to both meetings. I've never even met mom.

This job is hard sometimes, and particularly hard when TTC.

[Ky'sMom]

The heartbeat is a good sign Molly! I measured behind with Elle early on but I knew I ovulated later than their charts. I ovulate on day 20-22 and of course their charts go by day 14-16 so I always measured a week behind.

So sorry about you rough night and day Mandy. I sleep with ear plugs because of our dogs and the noise. I am a VERY light sleeper and it is hard for me to go back to sleep so as long as DH is home, I wear ear plugs so that I can rest. Otherwise, I usually get crappy sleep from the dog licking his water and walking around twice per night, DH breathing loud (not snoring) and the random yelling conversations that I will hear a few times per month from people going back and forth to the motorcycle club a couple blocks away from my house. Oh and the sound of the motorcycles of course.

And yes that boy was statutory raped!! I wonder what is up with his parents and did they press charges. It's great that he is at least involved in his child's life though and trying to get him help but poor boy (the dad).

My mom used to mess with me and say my DH was too old for me. He is 6.5 years older so not much older IMO. My dad is 7 years older than her and my dad got her PG when she was only 15, he was 22 so that was statutory rape. I asked my grandma once why she didn't press charges against him and her response was that "he was from a good family." That is true but still, I would press charges. She said looking back she should have even though he does have a good family and he and they were very involved in our lives and upbringing.

Erin

[Ky'sMom]

The heartbeat is a good sign Molly! I measured behind with Elle early on but I knew I ovulated later than their charts. I ovulate on day 20-22 and of course their charts go by day 14-16 so I always measured a week behind.

So sorry about you rough night and day Mandy. I sleep with ear plugs because of our dogs and the noise. I am a VERY light sleeper and it is hard for me to go back to sleep so as long as DH is home, I wear ear plugs so that I can rest. Otherwise, I usually get crappy sleep from the dog licking his water and walking around twice per night, DH breathing loud (not snoring) and the random yelling conversations that I will hear a few times per month from people going back and forth to the motorcycle club a couple blocks away from my house. Oh and the sound of the motorcycles of course.

And yes that boy was statutory raped!! I wonder what is up with his parents and did they press charges. It's great that he is at least involved in his child's life though and trying to get him help but poor boy (the dad).

My mom used to mess with me and say my DH was too old for me. He is 6.5 years older so not much older IMO. My dad is 7 years older than her and my dad got her PG when she was only 15, he was 22 so that was statutory rape. I asked my grandma once why she didn't press charges against him and her response was that "he was from a good family." That is true but still, I would press charges. She said looking back she should have even though he does have a good family and he and they were very involved in our lives and upbringing.

Erin

[daylilies]

It could have just been a case a freshman and a senior in high school that was totally consensual-I think when two people consent it's kind of silly to call it statutory rape even if one of them is under 16 or whatever the legal age is out there.

[daylilies]

double post--grr

[missychrissy]

Great big ((hugs)) Mandy. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you facing that situation.

My dad is 9 years older than my mom and she was 17 when I was born (he was 26). In NY that would be statutory rape today, but really...I think it's ridiculous. I'm not sure you can draw a line in the sand and say at ___ age, it's ok. Every adolescent, every circumstance, is different. I have zero doubt my father was (and is) totally in love with my mother. The only reason they even divorced was because of her psychotic episodes...and I begged my dad to when I was 13. Sure, it was his choice in the end, but I felt I had come to a place where I couldn't live with it any more and I really put the pressure on him to get her out of our house. I do wonder what would have happened if I didn't do that. On one level I feel guilt because they do genuinely care about each other to this day-everyone that knows them and sees them together says that-but on the other hand, I doubt she would have gotten the psychiatric help she needed as long as she was married to my dad. While married, his BC/BS would only pay X amount of days for psychiatric care, so the dr's were motivated to discharge her whether she was ready to be or not. Once they were divorced and she was on her own, 'they' (the state) couldn't discharge her till she was stable enough to live on her own. It took 2 years for her to get out of the state hospital, and even then it was to a 1/2 way house of sorts. It was another 1 or 2 years before she was well enough to totally live on her own. Unfortunately, I think the divorce helped her get the help she really needed. At any rate, even to this day if mom needs something, dad is there for her. He didn't take advantage of her in any way, shape, or form and truly appreciated her for her. His love was genuine. I cannot help but feel like there are men out there even today that are capable of that kind of love. Or maybe I'm dreaming...

On the note of being tired, I was so tired today I actually fell asleep at my desk at work today. I've never done that in my life. It's making me wonder if there's something wrong with me.

[missychrissy]

Oh, and Molly I'm glad they saw a heartbeat. We're all waiting with you and will be anxious about next week as well.

[Gwenn]

Chrissy, I understand situations like that, but I do feel there is a big difference between a 17 year old and a 14 year old. Even 15 or 16 and 14. I am also bothered, and maybe this is a stereotype, by the fact that it was the boy who was much younger. Most girls mature much faster (making a huge generalization) and while I can see a male senior in high school attracted to a freshman girl and have known plenty of couples like that, at 18 I wouldn't have had anything to do with a 14 year old boy and don't know any girls who would have. There is more too it than that - the fact that he admitted to being totally illiterate and unable to teach his son even which way of a book is the front vs. the back - imagining back to where he must have been at 14 is not pretty.

[missychrissy]

Sorry...I'm tired and tangential. Of course that's a whole different thing. I thought that in cases of statutory rape, the DA could bring charges against the perpetrator regardless of what the parents and 'victim's say? Or is that a NY thing? Also, is it possible mom is a stepmom?

Whatever the case, it's. Very sad for the child. It sounds like dad is trying, despite his limitations. I'm sure seeing you is intimidating for him...not you personally, but any educated professional.

[Gwenn]

I'm not sure about the law from one state to the next, to be honest. I think parents have to press charges here, or usually do. But no, she's the mom. We went over the pregnancy and birth history together. Apparently they are not a couple but live together for the sake of the kids. I do believe he is doing his best within his abilities. Poor guy.

[demigraf]

That is very sad, Mandy. Your job is a labor of love at times.

Suja, you already have your carry-on packed too?!? Dang, girl!

I typed this big paragraph up on the train today, but then APA ate my words, so here it goes again in a nutshell: I had my first run-in with a non-parent today - a dear old friend and former co-worker of mine - that was super irritating. Last Saturday, she threw a housewarming party with a 1920s theme because her new house was built in the twenties (don't ask me what $700k gets you these days in San Jose; let's just say it's a lot smaller that the Great Gatsby's pad). DH was at work, and Bodhi made the drive with me - an hour each way. Turned out we were the only "kid people" at the party. We were there for an hour, and in that 60 minutes, I must have said "no" about 60 times to Bodhi, quelled about 60 mini-tantrums, made it through that time with him having only knocked over a basket full of silverware. Anyway, today she and I chatted via IM, and I could tell she was trying to be diplomatic, saying she wished I'd stayed longer; do I have a sitter I like to use, Bodhi seemed to be happy at the party and I could have just left him on his own to play with the dog (the same one that bared her teeth at him when he patted her. I didn't want to argue; just said Bodhi needs constant vigilance as most toddlers do. Inside, I was kind of seething because her place was one great big child hazard, e.g. improperly covered hot tub, open wires around a water fountain, lit candles everywhere, enticing-looking door leading to a dark cellar staircase, the aforementioned fangs on her pooch. After 2 hours of driving, plus a stressful hour of trying to keep tabs on Bodhi at the party, the last thing I needed to hear was any amount of reproach from her for leaving when I did.

Bridget, I realize I never answered your question about the father of the baby girl whose mom lost custody of her. I do think he's a stand-up guy. I am just sorry he didn't take the time to get to know my friend before making the decision to try to have a baby with her... within weeks of meeting online. They were pregnant within a month of ever speaking for the first time. I, of course, am not sorry they made that adorable little girl, but I just wish they had their relationship house in order beforehand, enough to not affect the baby. It's so sad; I am still getting some more despondent text messages from my girlfriend. The longer she is separated from her daughter, the more despairing she gets. I hope she does nothing drastic to make things worse. And I can still totally see where the dad's coming from, though. Y'know, around the time the daughter was 4 months and they were breaking up, she took the baby and drove off to the desert with her for 3 days, not telling the dad where they were the whole time. So her threatening response to the new girlfriend, and the OD episode was just icing on a very dysfunctional cake. I'd probably be filing for full custody myself if I were in his shoes.

She made one comment to me that really bugged me the other day, something like how I was lecturing/scolding her only because her mental illness had touched a nerve with me related to my sister's mental illness. Like I had no other grounds to disagree with her actions. I couldn't even respond to that.

Chrissy, your dad sounds like a lovely man. I can see where your open-heartedness comes from.

Molly, I'm glad to hear they found the heartbeat. I can't remember if you were in our Jan 09 room yet, and and if you recall that I had to wait 20 days after they *didn't* find a heartbeat to find out if Bodhi was a molar pregnancy? I hated all the pacing and waiting too. So I feel you there.

[Bean]

My mom had me when she was 17. My dad was.... wait for it... 36. Gross. Why my grandma didn't press charges is beyond me.

And with regards to non-parents and baby-proofing. Good grief. I get it, I do. I don't expect them to have their houses kid-proof. But when they say shizz like "oh, it's okay! He'll be fine in the backyard" it's like, really?? The pool with no top? And the hungry-looking Doberman next door with no fence in between? And is that a cliff in the back, or just a pit that leads to the fiery center of the earth? Sure! You're right. Totally safe.

[AmeriBrit]

Oh, we experienced that whole non-baby proofed house the other day, too at that Thanksgiving party we went to. We were the only ones with kids except one of the host's neighbors who didn't bring his kids because he didn't think anyone else had kids. He was very helpful, though. He went around to his house and brought back a travel gate to put at the top of the stairs and offered some of his son's toys but we had brought our own. Obviously, I didn't socialise much with anyone since I spent the evening chasing Cash from the kitchen where he was trying to turn on the washing machine every chance he got. And I had to laugh inside about how the host kept saying he was fine to play in the kitchen like they would be happy if he destroyed their expensive white goods.

[missychrissy]

My mom had me when she was 17. My dad was.... wait for it... 36. Gross. Why my grandma didn't press charges is beyond me.

And with regards to non-parents and baby-proofing. Good grief. I get it, I do. I don't expect them to have their houses kid-proof. But when they say shizz like "oh, it's okay! He'll be fine in the backyard" it's like, really?? The pool with no top? And the hungry-looking Doberman next door with no fence in between? And is that a cliff in the back, or just a pit that leads to the fiery center of the earth? Sure! You're right. Totally safe.

I didn't know that Cass!

Too funny about non-parents. I can't recall ever being in a situation like that. I mean, we spent some time in NJ at my great-aunt & uncle's house when Bobbie & Jesi were little, but I don't remember having any significant issues. And each time we stayed there a week. Either they were very 'with it' for older folks, or I'm just forgetting what a nightmare it likely was. They had an inground pool and we vegged out there for the majority of the vaca. Rich & I were the only ones that had little kids (other extended family also went down with us), but I remember the other adults as actually being very helpful and interacted with my girls a lot.

[daylilies]

I had a friend who was very lax. She had a huge yard with woods in the back and she let her youngest kids (3 and 5 at the time) go running off all over, and not follow them. Josh was about 2.5 and he'd go toddling after them and I'd be trailing behind while the mom stood on the porch. I'm kind of glad we're not friends anymore. LOL

[raspberry]

Molly, glad you heard the heartbeat. I know waiting until your next appt will be hard.

Mandy, that is heartbreaking, your job must be so difficult at times. To be able to help people, but yet how do you keep in getting too involved. I would want to "fix" everybody, but you just can't.

Woah Cass, that is gross. How long did they stay together? How would they even have met? Talk about different circles of life.

Oh and about baby proofing, gahhh, the times that we spend at my mil's house when G was small were some of the most stressful. The inlaws have a pool, and lots of antiques. It gave me lots of headaches keeping my active boy safe. My mil is so not a baby/toddler kind of person.

I think I am finished with my Christmas shopping, now I need to lay it all out and decide if I am done or not, ha. Oh I still have to buy a white elephant pressie.

[Ky'sMom]

I have had some interactions with people who have un-child proofed homes as well. Mostly my grandmother but it was funny to me. She had a lot of grandkids and knew how to baby proof but she sold her house in 1999 and got a lot of money and wanted to downsize so rented an apartment near the river in Toledo on the 10th floor. She called it her "penthouse" and it was a really posh apartment. Her mom, my great grandma was a hobby artist. She painted a lot of ceramics by hand and fired them. We have a lot of her work left and it is really beautiful and of course breakable. My grandma had the ceramics all over her penthouse just all willy nilly on coffee and side tables and short shelves. I remember bringing my 2 nephews and Ky over to visit her, along with my 2 nephew's mother because we were downtown and my older nephew wanted to go visit her. Ky was around 18 months, one of my nephews was 2 the other was 5 and I told grandma I was coming over with the boys so it would be nice if she could put the ceramics on the bar counter in her apartment. She said that we could come but she didn't feel like moving them so said we should watch our kids. My grandma was rough around the edges but a nice lady underneath. My nephew's mom was afraid of her though because of her tough voice (I inherited that from her I believe because people tell me I sound rather mean sometimes too). So while we were over there my younger nephew decided to pick up one of the most beautiful ceramics that was on a glass table and use it like an action figure. It is about 12 inches tall, a native American man with his arms stretched toward the sky like he is praying and my little nephew was moving it all around and slamming it on the table. I actually was giggling and told grandma she should have moved them. She jumped up to grab it from him like she was going to have a heart attack. Then she proceeded to chew out my nephew's mom but I told her she shouldn't blame her and should have put up the breakables. Then she told me to stop being disrespectful and was talking all under her breath while moving all the ceramics to the counter and cutting us evil looks. It took all my strength to not burst out laughing.

Erin

[Bridget]

My hippy bee keeper friend and her roommate are childless but love children and they are always telling me, "OH, the kids are fine! They can go upstairs!" And for the most part, they are but the stairway itself is treacherous and theknitting room is like disney world for my kids. Soft fresh dyed yarn hanging enticingly from drying racks, knitting needles (aka swords) galore. I'm always so torn when I am there between being anti social and staying upstairs with my kids or risk what may happen if I don't.
My other really close friend is like what you describe, Kate. She lets her kids basically roam the neighborhood and I'm basically horrified by the mere thought.

Mylah, I hope your friend gets her act together. I'm sorry that she acted like your advice to her somehow skewed by your relationship with your sister. Low blow.

Chrissy, how are you feeling today?

I want Bill Maher's new book for christmas. On that subject, kind of, do your families know of your "secular" beliefs, whatever they may be?

[demigraf]

Cass - ewww! LOL! It was prolly just a different time back then. My gramma was 19 and gramps 35 ... AND he was her uncle (her dad's cousin). Ewwwwwwwwww! All these things...not an issue back then. Sometimes we tease my mom that she's high strung from in-breeding, like a cocker spaniel.

Erin, lol at your gramma. I like grumpy older ladies.

shelley, I haven't done a single Christmas gift yet. I only ventured out to the shops on Black Friday to show Bodhi decorations. Good for you for being done! B & I had so much fun making playdough, I think we're gonna make colored sets of the stuff for all his friends this year; I just have to figure out some cute little containers to put them in and have B help me decorate them with stickers and crayons and such. I'm not thinking much about adults this year. Yet, anyway. Bodhi has lots of little buddies I wanna do something special for. The making kids smile part is my favorite thing about the holiday, I decided.

[demigraf]

Bridget, DH and I are way out to our families with our atheism. It's something his family and mine bonded/commiserated over during our wedding festivities.

eta: It's not so much the lack of childproofing that bugged me about the whole housewarming thing. it was more the expectation that I'd "just get a sitter" for the occasion. We almost never do that. DH and I go on dates when my folks are in town and then on rare occasions like a concert. We prefer to have B with us and have fun as family if we're gonna have fun. From her words and tone over a few conversations, though, it's become clear to me that my friend thinks kids are hot potatoes that can just be passed off to anyone willing to take a parent's money, and that I am obligated to get a sitter once in awhile to meet her need to do adult things without my child in the way, grown up things like dressing up in flapper costumes and drinking until I start to slur like Hemingway.