This is what worries me--I have pretty much given up on DH and I ever seeing eye to eye--so are we doomed? Are we bad parents because of that?
I'm reading Raising Happiness, I forget who recommended that, but I kind of got deflated when the first thing it said was you should improve your relationship with your parenting partner.
I don't think your doomed! IMO the way you handle the situation is really more important than whether or not you agree. (Although I could see the bigger issues being a problem if your on opposite sides)
Forgot to respond to this earlier Molly.Originally Posted by AbbeysMom
My family is very evangelical and my DH is a believer but not a regular church goer. His family is also very evangelical. When I visit them, I am respectful of their religion. I see it the same as if I go visit another country, though many don't agree with me in this (someone got into an argument with me about what if I went to a Muslim country where I as a woman would be required to cover my hair. I said I would have no problem covering my hair in someone else's country if that were the custom and that I would only not do a specific custom if I felt it endangered my life and if that were the case, I wouldn't go to that country to begin with).
I bow my head when they say the prayer. I whisper to myself how grateful I am for the food and for its nourishment. I frequently though say a "blessing" of sort for food though just to show my appreciation for the food giving its life for me to eat. Back in my religious scripture/story days as a girl I read something that I can't remember the title of regarding a specific Native American tribe saying a sort of blessing or prayer and thanking the animal for giving its life for their nourishment. Some African tribes do this as well and I felt that this was a good way of looking at food. All plant and animal based foods were once alive and will die through my consumption of them and I am thankful to have the food, so I do my own personal "prayer" of sorts at holiday gatherings and other family get-togethers.
I also started off early with Ky regarding religion. Luckily we live in a city with a lot of different religions. When Ky was younger, 3 and 4 years old, we lived in a predominately Muslim neighborhood and so I told him a lot of information about Islam before he asked questions about the way his friends dressed or the "church" (his words) that they went to on Friday. I also spoke to him about my mom, who is very involved in her church and religion. She is very devout, luckily she is not all into converting people anymore though. I told him that most Americans believe in god the way his granny does but not all do, and used his Muslim friends and their families as an example, also myself because I do not subscribe to any religions and that that is something great about our country, that we can find our own path in regards to religion and the way we live our lives. Oddly enough he had and still has more questions about what I do and don't believe versus those who are religious. I am happy about that since he asks me questions constantly and not my mom or others who will preach to him about how there is only one way to do anything or you'll go to hell. I have a feeling my mom has already said something like this to him but since I have already told him about her religion and how she truly believes it but that we should be respectful of her and others beliefs (even if they aren't respectful of ours) I don't really mind her speaking to him about it since he knows that that is just what she believes.
I met a government official for business, and when he found out that I have a newborn, he asked if he could pray for her. It was a nice gesture on his part, and I said yes. I have no issues with anyone's religion as long as they are similarly respectful of mine.
I feel the same way Suja. I have no problem with people offering prayers for me, family, or LO. I consider it their way of trying to 'help' and I think its sweet. As long as there is no lecturing or preaching I'm good with all religions
So much to catch up on! I'm too busy for this thread these days. Makes me sad.
Ash, I wouldn't put too much into that checklist. Some kids are shy and that's okay. I've had to learn to tease that out, and IMHO I'm pretty good at it - but unless you had him actually evaluated by professionals I don't trust a checklist like that.
Loved reading your post, Suja!
Me (38) DH (45) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12
Molly, I shared in here that I thought I may have been having a chemical this month. I'm on CD 18 now and not temping as DH is out of town for the month. AF this month was early and atypical, then I only had two days of full flow followed by very light spotting. I've been feeling like ****, exhausted and nauseous, so despite the fact that I had "AF" I tested this morning. Negative. So I totally get what you are going through right now. You still have a positive. I'm wishing you the very best.
Me (38) DH (45) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12
Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks?
Hopelessly Devoted
I am in the middle of a two-day class with a very difficult test at the end of it, so I haven't been able to keep up either, but I will try to add what I have been thinking, in no particular order.
Kate, I recommended reading Raising Happiness, and I also got discouraged by the part about improving the relationship with the partner first (that was right when things were pretty much at the low point with dh), but she really did make a point of saying look at her, she's the happiness expert and she is divorced, so it's not like she's perfect or anything. She's just saying you should TRY to do what you can, and don't beat yourself up for not being wonderful at everything because that is anti-happiness. Did you keep reading? There are lots of little things that are very achievable. I try to remember to ask my children what their favorite parts of the day were, right before they go to sleep. That is easy to do, and if I forget, I don't think I'm ruining their chance for happiness.
Mylah, I really liked Suja's response to your dilemma this morning. Relationships and consistency and discipline are so difficult already, and it seems like if you end up pleading for something on behalf of your child - in front of your child - from the other parent, it sets up this whole awkward power dynamic. Also, if it was your absence that made Bodhi unruly, you were essentially rewarding his acting out by changing the plan and giving him what he wanted (you), instead of giving your dh a chance to console him on his own.
I have also read the same thing about resolving differences in front of children, not on the Dr. Sears site.
Molly, how old is Abbey now? Can you just tell her that she will be able to see something new at her grandparents' house at Thanksgiving, and that everyone will hold hands before meals and it will be good manners for her to hold hands and be quiet? You could talk to her a little bit about Thanksgiving and giving thanks, and blend that in with everyone having different customs at holidays.
Mylah, I think your crazy tenant should not be encouraged in any further craziness with you telling her she can call you anytime to share her feelings. If she calls again, and you feel like being kind and sympathetic but maintaining boundaries, I would kindly but firmly tell her that you are willing to listen to her this time if she has any specific issues to discuss but will not tolerate abuse. And consider enlisting her support as to how to resolve this.
Our baby is 3 years old already!
I'm sure I've said in here that two dogs and a cat means I have enough animals to deal with ... But this picture is totally making me want a puppy.
Jennifer, what happened with the puppies you mentioned earlier?
Me (38) DH (45) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12
Jennifer, I was going to ask about the puppies too. Are you going to have the pitter patter of 4 extra paws soon?
My update on the tenant situation is that she called me a 4th time (after the hangup) sobbing, apologizing, telling me what a hard year it's been for her. I just treated her like I treat Bodhi during a tantrum and tried to validate her feelings. Maybe I was too nice to her, but I was just really uncomfortable and, frankly, afraid she was going to take anything I said to contradict her as a reason to go ballistic on me even more. Ticking time bomb and all that. Didn't think for a second she could be reasoned with at that moment. I'll let you guys know if I hear from her again. We usually have very limited interaction; we talk maybe 4 times a year. What a nightmare it'd be if she started calling me all the time to cry on my shoulder. (I almost suggested she get professional help.)
Regarding the dilemma this morning, I was conscious of our united front slipping away during the exchange in front of B. Just confused about what DH was trying to accomplish, not fully trusting of DH's parenting instincts, and it's hard to think straight when you have your toddler with a tragic look on his face on the verge of being crushed if he gets torn away from you. DH often wants to be the one to console Bodhi, when B specifically asks for me. Sometimes I do let DH take the lead, and don't allow Bodhi to "have me" when he's wants me if it interferes with DH's efforts. And I always feel like a s#i++y person, like I'm breaking B's trust in me each time.
Maybe from gathering your opinions this time, I'll be better prepared to uphold the united front next time. TBH, I'm not 100% sure I'll always go along with everything DH initiates because sometimes I think he's just being stubborn. I do see the value of B seeing us act in lockstep most of the time, so the goal is a more a genuine united-ness in the future and less having to fake it.
Molly, given Abbey's age and level of comprehension (same as Bodhi's), I'd keep it simple for the time being and say something like "Let's be quiet and still while we let gramma & grampa pray." Maybe she'll just take that at face value and the moment will pass quickly. Alternately, maybe you can go all Sesame Street on her and prep her by first showing her videos of people from all over the world praying differently, just like Elmo shows montages of the different ways people dance.
Last edited by demigraf; 11-10-2011 at 12:48 AM.
Yes, I did go back to Raising Happiness after putting it down for a while. I think some of it is doable.
I slept awful last night. DH is away working in Connecticut and I hate being alone at night (well not really alone, but without another adult). I stayed up until 11, and I was very tired but I kept waking up. When Josh got up to go pee I asked if he wanted to sleep in my bed and he said yes. It didn't help me sleep but at least I had company
I also think I had a nightmare, but I can't remember what it was now
Last edited by daylilies; 11-10-2011 at 05:11 AM.
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Hopelessly Devoted
I know I don't know your dh or your personal family dynamics, but I am stuck on that too. I can't count how many times things seemed to fall apart with a various little one and if one parent had something to do (like go to the bank) the other just took over with the child. No matter what had been going on previously...If I'm having a grouchy morning and slam my coffee cup around muttering to myself about the mess in the kitchen, that shouldn't instantly make it so I can't ride along with a friend to work if she surprised me with an offer. Heck, it just might be the thing I need to turn my day around. I just don't get the lesson he was trying to teach there. And I know that's a poor analogy, but I'm just trying to say that we all have bad mornings, but that doesn't have to mean we have to stick to a rigid plan.
As for teaching the little ones about praying...I'm more about teaching my kids about acceptance and while we discuss that different people believe different things, it's not something we talk about in depth. I think you'll remember over the summer when the church group did all that work to our house, and at the end at the picnic everyone was praying before the meal and Conner piped up, "What are you doing Mommy?" right out loud while the minister prayed. I said, "Shhh" and later told him that they were praying because some people do that before they eat. I said I bowed my head (as did everyone else in Conner's family) out of respect for them.
Bobbie grew an interest in other religions on her own. She's read a lot and we have discussions about it often because she's interested...but it's not anything I made a point to teach my kids about. Somehow, they're a pretty accepting group of kids and are still intrigued with culture.
As for us, ironically I think we may have had a breakthrough with Conner's potty dilemma last night. I went home all refreshed and re-committed to following his lead and ok with it taking however long it's going to take. Shortly before bed he came to me and said he needed to be changed. I told him to get his pants and underwear and when he did, he walked up to me with his head down. He said, "I'm so dumb because I don't know how to use the potty." Ok, talk about heartbreak? I won't even describe the anguish I felt hearing him say that because I lack the ability to put it into words.
Of course I reassured him that he's not dumb at all and talked very softly with him because obviously my tirade last weekend had an effect on him. I started talking about what it feels like when you have to go and asked him if he knew what I meant. He didn't seem sure, but he thought so. So anyway, we've decided that tonight when he thinks he feels 'something' about to occur, we're going to take one of his potty chairs in our bedroom, shut the door, and wait and see. I told him I could read to him, he could watch his shows, we could talk, or just be quiet. Whatever he wanted to do. By the time we were all tucked into bed, he was smiling and seemed to be looking forward to trying this.
We shall see.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I'm gonna be a Gramama!
I hope it works Chrissy!
Myles I hope that your crazy tenant calling you for a shoulder to cry on doesn't become a regular occurrence!!
Chrissy I think that sounds like an awesome game plan and I realy hope that it works!
Chrissy, that sounds brilliant about Conner!
Myles, wow, I don't know what to say about your tenant. Let's hope that she backs the craziness away from you!
I'm really hating the weather here now. I always wish we were in Arkansas this time of the year because it's so grey, rainy and dull here til April.
Oh, and a true confession for y'all. I opened a can of Betty Crocker vanilla buttercream frosting just to scoop some with a spoon and keep going back for more. I'm bad. Lol.
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Hopelessly Devoted
Myles, how young is your tenant? It does sound like she's going through a really rough time. I won't go into details, but I can remember being a bit like that when Rich & I broke up. I was 19 and pregnant with my 2nd child. I didn't have a car, phone, my ged or even a license...I was a mess. I can see myself acting like you described back then. I was young, but I also had a lot going on and I'm not so sure age had much to do with it. It was more feeling absolutely at the bottom of the barrel...
Anyway, being nice to her was the best thing you could have done. I hope she doesn't take it to mean she can just call you all the time though.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I believe she's in her early 50's. She somehow manages to hold down a fairly high-paying job as an OR nurse, which has me scratching my head because she hasn't appeared lucid to me - very scattered and confused and nervous - since I've known her. But we verified her employment. That's another reason I worry about her tenancy. The only reason we let her in wih her credit was her roommate (who's her 1st ex-husband) who had good credit and seemed solid and dependable. He was an insurance investigator in Beverly Hills, retired, and now gives back by being a kindergarten teacher in the inner city. I really like him, but am starting to think he really doesn't live there and still lives on his boat. I think he still loves her and sticks around because she needs help crossing the street. I don't have any plans to evict her/them because they have paid their rent weeks early every month they were there and maintain the yard nicely. An eviction in LA County could cost memup to 3 months rent plus legal fees, so I see it as a last resort. The phone call was disturbing and doesn't bode well.
And yes, I had a similar near breakdown around age 19 too..
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Hopelessly Devoted
I hope that this is just a situational thing for her and that it will end soon. Mine took over a year for me to fully pull out of, so it may take her some time.
And I hope to goodness I never go through anything like that again.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
Sorry you had a rough night.Yes, I did go back to Raising Happiness after putting it down for a while. I think some of it is doable.
I slept awful last night. DH is away working in Connecticut and I hate being alone at night (well not really alone, but without another adult). I stayed up until 11, and I was very tired but I kept waking up. When Josh got up to go pee I asked if he wanted to sleep in my bed and he said yes. It didn't help me sleep but at least I had company
I also think I had a nightmare, but I can't remember what it was now
AndChrissy. You've come such a long way.
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In a funny twist, I lectured Bodhi this morning about the importance of presenting a united front before the dogs. LOL. I was trying to send Lulu out during breakfast, and Bodhi insisted, "No, Lulu. Stay here!" and kept patting her. I explained the importance of consistency. For the dogs. So you see? I listen to you girls.
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Hopelessly Devoted
In a funny twist, I lectured Bodhi this morning about the importance of presenting a united front before the dogs. LOL. I was trying to send Lulu out during breakfast, and Bodhi insisted, "No, Lulu. Stay here!" and kept patting her. I explained the importance of consistency. For the dogs. So you see? I listen to you girls.
And it's ok, I didn't really mean to make that about me, but more to empathize with that poor woman. If she isn't sinking into a bottomless pit for some reason, she's plain batsh!t crazy. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt 'cause I've been there.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
Cute! A bit too big for my DH though....he likes them more like 20-30 lbs. Funny to me that a man doesn't like big dogs but he likes ones he can pick up and snuggle and hold....but not too small that you can break them easily.
I don't know. I emailed and asked for pictures and have basically gotten NO reply. Dude, WTH put up an ad if you aren't going to respond. In the past usually when someone has an ad up, I have gotten a reply that day if not within minutes. And I always reply to ones I have posted, even if it's just to say sorry that item has sold.
I even tried the alternate email and got her husband and he said that they were hers and he would tell her I was inquiring about them.
At this point, I have basically written them/her off.
Jennifer, 34, DH 36
Jennifer, I meant to tell you that I dreamed I was babysitting Cosmo for you. She was in an infant car seat. The whole thing was very bizarre!
Jennifer, 34, DH 36
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Cosmo is as much one of our 'secular kids' as any of the human ones are.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I have a good friend who's into FCRs, and will likely get out of the breed after her current dog is gone. Heartbreak in black fur - even responsibly bred dogs tend to die young.
Awwwwww...puppy face! I like how the dog's colors are described as Black and "Liver". Never heard that one before.
I know, right? You'd think Cosmo would be in a toddler seat by now!
(In all seriousness, my dogs have seatbelts.)
LOL Well the vet just told me that Cosmo is about 51 years old. Now sure how my baby got older than me!
When she was younger, we used to put her in the crate and strapped that in. But when the crate broke, we never got a new one. And with her gaining like 8-10 lbs since she was younger, not sure she would fit comfortably now. I know she should wear a belt but she gets free roaming of the backseat and likes to change posititions when we go home...about a 5 hour drive. Eventually she will have to share with a car seat though!
Liver and white is very common...I know that they use it for springer spaniels too...either liver and white, black and white or tri-color. My MIL has a liver and white one....definitely NOT the breed for me. That dog drives me crazy and he's going to be 12 next month. Cosmo loves him though....he will be visiting us for Thanksgiving I think.
Jennifer, 34, DH 36
That's great. It will keep them from becoming projectiles in case there is an accident, and protect them and you. Unfortunately, there is no real way to put my dogs in seatbelts (or crates). One of the problems with having large dogs.
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Speaking of pets as projectiles in cars...I once attended this driver safety training that was hosted by the county's head of highway patrol. What a funny guy...he did this whole spiel about a cat spazzing out and wrapping itself around your head, paws & claws in the eyeballs of course, while trying to drive 55 mph in the dark. I nearly wet my pants laughing it was so funny...but that story stuck with me.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
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