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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #25231
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    Wow Suja that is very interesting, I always enjoyed Greek Mythology and that reminds me alot of it.
    Many of our gods are like spoiled brats, only with a lot of power. Makes for great stories. One of the reasons I like the Mahabharatha over the Ramayana is that the characters in the former are all shades of grey. There is good in pretty much all the bad guys and bad in pretty much all the good guys. Kind of like life. Only more fun.

  2. #25232
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    Chrissy, I don't know what to tell you. He is just not ready it seems. I'm sure that goes without saying. I used to take care of a little boy who was nearly five and still pooping in his pants. I used to offer him to put on a pull up when he needed to go because egads. Changing a four year old poopy is whole 'nother ball game.
    His mom and I tried everything (short of punishment) and nothing worked. Then one day he went. And the next day. And that was that. He decided he was ready.
    I know you're right, and it's reassuring to hear again. I guess I've been getting frustrated with being patient, but I do believe when he's ready, he's ready and there's no rushing it. He is 5 now, by the way.

    When he first started potty training he did really well with it, but I had the bright idea to put his potty chair outside near his sandbox because that was an area where he would sometimes have accidents. He got stung by a bee while trying to poop and that was the last time he ever went poop on a potty. I totally blame myself.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  3. #25233

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    Chrissy, that was actually a really good idea. How could you have knows. Darn bee. Have you mentioned it to his pedi? Just in case there is something else going on? I don't know what it could be. Is he constipated?

  4. #25234

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    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!! I lost a bunch of paragraphs again!!! That's it. I am staying completely away from my arrow keys on this machine. This time, I think the Up arrow was the culprit.

    To reconstruct everything from memory....

    Suja, that was absolutely fascinating. I loved reading all of that, and probably learned more in your paragraphs than I did in a whole chapter study of Comparative Religions class. I love hearing religion in context of day to day life. Here in the West (Judeo-Christian traditions), God is seen as this sort of all-good "daddy figure" who's got your back and doles out perfect justice. People develop deeply personal relationships with the one god. In other words, they really, really believe the deity exists. Is it like that in India for the most part? Do people believe the gods really exist, or are they treated more as folklore and thus, largely fiction?

    I was really surprised to learn about the affirmative action type of program that's based on caste. Very interesting.

    As a secular-minded person, I am particularly interested in the historical origins beliefs, like what was happening in the world at the time the beliefs became institutionalized. Fun stuff. Thanks for sharing all of that.

    --------------

    Molly - I know this sounds like a cliche, but it will happen when it happens. If only the process of TTC didn't affect one's emotions so deeply. I still cling to the hope that you & I will end up in the same birth room again.

    --------------

    Chrissy - we are going through the same difficulties with getting B to poop on the potty. We have even - - as of 2 days ago tried bribing him with toys in packages. Does not incentivize him. I think in B's case, he has an instinctive fear of the discomfort and loss of control that comes with pooping, much in the same way B's anxieties around falling asleep haven't gone away. I agree with Bridget. I think there's a wire in their brains that one day "connects" and suddenly they're ready. In the meantime, it doesn't hurt to continue encouraging them. B is really cute in his big boy undies. The first day he had Thomas trains on his bum, he kept on wiggling his behind at the mirror with a huge smile on his face.

    Anyway, it's understandable that you'd lose patience with Connor. Try not to kick yourself over it.

    -----------------

    So would love your perspectives on this, please. This morning, I was on an overseas call for an hour. It was very early, and I missed a lot of my Bodhi time. By the time I was off the phone, DH had fed Bodhi and had him ready for school. Right before it was time for them to go - while I was getting dressed - B did something that put him in a timeout, and was pretty upset by it. After the timeout, I came out to say bye, knelt down on the floor like I usually do, and B crawled on my lap crying and clinging to me. "Mommy! Mommy! Would you take me to school?" DH had just been muttering how they were late and he needed to go to the bank, so with B on my lap, I nodded and said "I can take him to school. You go ahead to the bank."

    DH just started shaking his head. "No. He just got in trouble for playing when we were supposed to go to my truck. I had him on track for me to take him to school. Let's stick to the plan." DH said a few other things to make it clear he thought that if I took B to school, it was me undermining DH's authority. Bodhi witnessed a 30 second tug of war between us - mainly of me giving DH pleading looks and DH shaking his head - that was bad enough.

    I just wanted to save DH time. And felt like Bodhi had missed me this morning during my meeting, which was one of the reasons he was acting up to begin with. In the meantime, Bodhi's face had crumpled because I'd already gotten his hopes up that I'd take him, and now DH was going to not let me take him.

    I see DH's point about having B on track, but I would hope DH could see how I'd disrupted the routine to begin with because of my meeting and I was willing to adjust to help bring balance back into B's emotional state. Plus Bodhi really wanted me. Plus I was just trying to help DH out with his schedule. So I took B to school and DH ran off to the bank (actually came back before we'd even left for school. I apologized to DH before we left).

    What do you girls think? Honestly, I won't be hurt if you tell me I should have just let DH basically tear Bodhi away from me crying in order to get him back on the "track" he'd set for him. That would have felt entirely wrong to me, but I'm still unclear as to what the right move should have been in that situation.

    And yawn! Boy, am I tired from the early morning call, which has turned into a weekly thing.
    Last edited by demigraf; 11-09-2011 at 02:15 PM.

  5. #25235
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    Well if I had it to do over again, I would have preferred to have a few minor accidents that summer than the daily occurrence we've experienced for the last 2-2.5 years.

    And yeah I've talked to his pedi. He's a great dr (delayed vax and all that) but in this his advice made me cringe. He didn't feel there was anything physically going on, and no he's not constipated, and he said that Conner just isn't ready. He suggested that often times kids like him need 'peer pressure' to start using the bathroom and that when Conner started Kindergarten, if he had an accident in school and was teased, that would likely be the last time.

    I cannot imagine my son being humiliated like that. It was a huge part in my deciding to hold him out of K for a year. I'm not sure I would have kept him back if he were fully potty trained.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  6. #25236
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    What do you girls think? Honestly, I won't be hurt if you tell me I should have just let DH basically tear Bodhi away from me crying in order to get him back on the "track" he'd set for him. That would have felt entirely wrong to me, but honestly I'm still unclear as to what the right move should have been in that situation
    Um, you won't get that advice from me because I would have simply taken Bodhi to school like you were inclined to do. You all had a disruptive morning and it would have been helpful to your dh for you to take Bodhi to school, and Bodhi would have felt better about his day. Win-win imo.

    Things like that happen all the time and we're always rearranging plans at the last minute to accommodate someone. We're a family unit and while things haven't been the greatest, we try to help each other out. I guess I don't understand what point your dh was trying to make at all. Everyone has a bad morning sometimes, even adults.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    Many of our gods are like spoiled brats, only with a lot of power. Makes for great stories. One of the reasons I like the Mahabharatha over the Ramayana is that the characters in the former are all shades of grey. There is good in pretty much all the bad guys and bad in pretty much all the good guys. Kind of like life. Only more fun.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    What do you girls think? Honestly, I won't be hurt if you tell me I should have just let DH basically tear Bodhi away from me crying in order to get him back on the "track" he'd set for him. That would have felt entirely wrong to me, but I'm still unclear as to what the right move should have been in that situation.
    Maybe your DH was thinking along the lines of he was playing when they should have been leaving, so he shouldn't get 'rewarded' by you taking him to school

    I think I probably would've done the same as you though.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  9. #25239

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    Chrissy, I agree that it would be awful for Conner to be humiliated like that. I'm sad the dr would even mention it.

    Myles, I don't think you did anything wrong. I don't think B's misbehavior and you deciding to take him to school are even related.
    Dbf and I have made a stone solid pact that we will not argue in front of the kids anymore. We are both pretty sure that our arguing contributies to Savana's anxiety. Yeah, we suck. Anyway, last night he was disciplining Savana in a way that I felt was way to harsh for the "crime" but I said nothing. Savana of course came to me tearfully explaining his lack of justice. I told her she needed to listen to her dad. She lost her mind for minute but ended up going and sitting with him on his chair when it was all said and done. I was pleasantly surprised. It's going to be very hard for me to keep my mouth shut but I know it's extremely important.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    Maybe your DH was thinking along the lines of he was playing when they should have been leaving, so he shouldn't get 'rewarded' by you taking him to school

    .
    That is exactly what my DH would have thought. And he would have been really annoyed I done what you did (I know because we had that fight in the beginning with Cosmo). But my instinct would have been yours, to go get him and spend the time with him.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Here in the West (Judeo-Christian traditions), God is seen as this sort of all-good "daddy figure" who's got your back and doles out perfect justice. People develop deeply personal relationships with the one god. In other words, they really, really believe the deity exists. Is it like that in India for the most part? Do people believe the gods really exist, or are they treated more as folklore and thus, largely fiction?
    Oh no, god is very real to people. I think I've mentioned before that my parents are kind of non-religious, yet my mom believes in one particular deity (in one specific temple), and when my dad was having his bypass surgery, pledged certain pujas if everything turned out okay. And dad says, mostly jokingly, that he asks for extensions from Shiva, seeing as to how he's the destroyer. My ILs are observant. My MIL goes to temple as often as possible, my SIL goes at least daily (the temple is right behind their house), and attributes to god the fact that she's never lost a patient, mother or child, in the 20+ years she's practiced. I think the difference might be that each person might believe in a different god than the next, or might pray to one during certain sets of circumstances than another.

    You know how people put money on a plate during service? Over there, people put money in a big box that's bolted to the floor. Some temples are so popular, they can't make a box big enough, so they've cordoned off areas with fabric (imagine giant "boxes" constructed from fabric, several feet high, long, wide, etc. with open top), because people take off all their jewelry and toss in. Now, that's devotion for you.

    As an aside, this particular god borrowed money from a money lender to pay for a lavish wedding is up to his eyeballs in debt, and needs money, and needs it now. He doesn't care how you made it, so he's particularly popular with business people, corrupt politicians, etc. http://tirupatitemple.net/ You will notice that the deity has his eyes closed and a hand out; now you know why. I believe that this temple has something like 10 billion USD in gold alone.

    What do you girls think? Honestly, I won't be hurt if you tell me I should have just let DH basically tear Bodhi away from me crying in order to get him back on the "track" he'd set for him. That would have felt entirely wrong to me, but I'm still unclear as to what the right move should have been in that situation.
    I would've told Bodhi that you should not have promised to take him to school without talking to DH first, but because you gave your word, you would take him the next day, as long as he doesn't behave in a way that would cause you to change your mind. That way, you would get to make up for some lost time, you would be keeping your word, and DH's point that he shouldn't be rewarded for acting up would still get made.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    Dbf and I have made a stone solid pact that we will not argue in front of the kids anymore. We are both pretty sure that our arguing contributies to Savana's anxiety. Yeah, we suck. Anyway, last night he was disciplining Savana in a way that I felt was way to harsh for the "crime" but I said nothing. Savana of course came to me tearfully explaining his lack of justice. I told her she needed to listen to her dad. She lost her mind for minute but ended up going and sitting with him on his chair when it was all said and done. I was pleasantly surprised. It's going to be very hard for me to keep my mouth shut but I know it's extremely important.
    A united front is very important

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    Oh no, god is very real to people. I think I've mentioned before that my parents are kind of non-religious, yet my mom believes in one particular deity (in one specific temple), and when my dad was having his bypass surgery, pledged certain pujas if everything turned out okay. And dad says, mostly jokingly, that he asks for extensions from Shiva, seeing as to how he's the destroyer. My ILs are observant. My MIL goes to temple as often as possible, my SIL goes at least daily (the temple is right behind their house), and attributes to god the fact that she's never lost a patient, mother or child, in the 20+ years she's practiced. I think the difference might be that each person might believe in a different god than the next, or might pray to one during certain sets of circumstances than another.

    You know how people put money on a plate during service? Over there, people put money in a big box that's bolted to the floor. Some temples are so popular, they can't make a box big enough, so they've cordoned off areas with fabric (imagine giant "boxes" constructed from fabric, several feet high, long, wide, etc. with open top), because people take off all their jewelry and toss in. Now, that's devotion for you.

    As an aside, this particular god borrowed money from a money lender to pay for a lavish wedding is up to his eyeballs in debt, and needs money, and needs it now. He doesn't care how you made it, so he's particularly popular with business people, corrupt politicians, etc. http://tirupatitemple.net/ You will notice that the deity has his eyes closed and a hand out; now you know why. I believe that this temple has something like 10 billion USD in gold alone.
    Wow that is crazy! I couldn't imagine just giving all my jewelry to a church! To each their own I suppose

    I'll have to look at the link when I get home, work has it all X'd all over the place

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  14. #25244

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    Hey, thank you girls for your thoughts on the Bodhi/DH situation. It helps me be better prepared for next time.

    I'm sorry to pile my troubles on you girls, but I am literally shaking right now from my crazy tenant down in LA calling and yelling at me in response to that dog letter I'd sent her a few months ago. You remember that. It wouldn't have been so bad, except she called me first and we had a very nice chat about altogether different things. At the end, I said I'm glad things worked out with the dogs. I'm sorry that I didn't give her the courtesy of a phone call and please understand as the landlord it's important to document all of my communications. I document everything with the tenants in the other house on the property, etc. Fine. Spent another 15 minutes chatting about her work, etc. We hung up.

    2 minutes later, she calls back and starts unleashing her anger on me, how I made her feel like scum and she could move out anytime if she wanted to and she's still very angry with me. I just kept my mouth shut, apologized again, "sorry you feel that way. you can call me anytime to share your feelings on me." And the torrent of pissiness DID. NOT. STOP. I let her yell at me without saying anything for a full 2 minutes. She descended into full babbling about what a tough year she'd had leaving her ex-husband, losing a house, how my letter was a slap in the face. I just thanked her for sharing her feelings and that they were understandable and I was there to listen. Then I ended the call after an awkward pause. She's probably going to claim I hung up on her because I never actually said good bye. Just a polite thank you. OMG, I have a psycho tenant on my hands. Seriously. I know mental illness when I see it, and she's got something going on.

    OK, and she just called me a 3rd time and hung up when I said hello. This is going to end badly at some point. Ugh.
    Last edited by demigraf; 11-09-2011 at 04:05 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    I was pleasantly surprised. It's going to be very hard for me to keep my mouth shut but I know it's extremely important.
    It IS so, so tough when your maternal instinct is to protect them at all times.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    Dbf and I have made a stone solid pact that we will not argue in front of the kids anymore. We are both pretty sure that our arguing contributies to Savana's anxiety.
    I can't remember where I read this. Apparently, arguing in front of kids is not as much of an issue as arguing and not resolving in front of them. IOW, if they see the start of an argument and you pull back and take it private, thinking 'not in front of the kids', then it is left up to their imagination to figure out what is going on and how it is resolved. It is important for them to see that yes, adults can argue, but they can also resolve them fairly amicably, and that's just part of life (assuming everyone is fighting fair and whatnot).

    Myles, your crazy tenant sounds like some of the crazy employees we've had. I hope she moves out soon.

  17. #25247

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    Suja, thank you so much for sharing that. I know it probably took you awhile to write, but I want to know more, so if your up for it, share more!

    I agree with Bridget, I have a lot of learning to do if I want to teach Abbey about the religions of the world. I wonder if there are any books for young kids that synopsize different religions.

    We'll be heading to Colorado for Thanksgiving, depending on my results tomorrow, and I know there will be a family group prayer for Thanksgiving dinner. Abbey's finally old enough so that she will notice, and I need to figure out how to explain/address it without sounding dismissive of MIL/FIL beliefs (evangelical Baptists).

    DH and I usually hold hands with everyone but don't bow out heads and close our eyes, we just kind of wait for it to be over. I'm not sure what to do with Abbey. With everyone holding hands she likely start singing "Ring Around the Rosie", lol.

    Any ideas?

    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    And yeah I've talked to his pedi. He's a great dr (delayed vax and all that) but in this his advice made me cringe. He didn't feel there was anything physically going on, and no he's not constipated, and he said that Conner just isn't ready. He suggested that often times kids like him need 'peer pressure' to start using the bathroom and that when Conner started Kindergarten, if he had an accident in school and was teased, that would likely be the last time.

    I cannot imagine my son being humiliated like that. It was a huge part in my deciding to hold him out of K for a year. I'm not sure I would have kept him back if he were fully potty trained.
    That was horrifying suggestion, IMO. And considering the display of how one event can effect your LO (one bee sting and he's done with the potty... forever!) I would be afraid that one bout of public ridicule and he he would be done with school too.

    Have you asked him when he will start using the potty for #2? Maybe if he set the time/date he could stick to it.

    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    So would love your perspectives on this, please. This morning, I was on an overseas call for an hour. It was very early, and I missed a lot of my Bodhi time. By the time I was off the phone, DH had fed Bodhi and had him ready for school. Right before it was time for them to go - while I was getting dressed - B did something that put him in a timeout, and was pretty upset by it. After the timeout, I came out to say bye, knelt down on the floor like I usually do, and B crawled on my lap crying and clinging to me. "Mommy! Mommy! Would you take me to school?" DH had just been muttering how they were late and he needed to go to the bank, so with B on my lap, I nodded and said "I can take him to school. You go ahead to the bank."

    DH just started shaking his head. "No. He just got in trouble for playing when we were supposed to go to my truck. I had him on track for me to take him to school. Let's stick to the plan." DH said a few other things to make it clear he thought that if I took B to school, it was me undermining DH's authority. Bodhi witnessed a 30 second tug of war between us - mainly of me giving DH pleading looks and DH shaking his head - that was bad enough.

    I just wanted to save DH time. And felt like Bodhi had missed me this morning during my meeting, which was one of the reasons he was acting up to begin with. In the meantime, Bodhi's face had crumpled because I'd already gotten his hopes up that I'd take him, and now DH was going to not let me take him.

    I see DH's point about having B on track, but I would hope DH could see how I'd disrupted the routine to begin with because of my meeting and I was willing to adjust to help bring balance back into B's emotional state. Plus Bodhi really wanted me. Plus I was just trying to help DH out with his schedule. So I took B to school and DH ran off to the bank (actually came back before we'd even left for school. I apologized to DH before we left).

    What do you girls think? Honestly, I won't be hurt if you tell me I should have just let DH basically tear Bodhi away from me crying in order to get him back on the "track" he'd set for him. That would have felt entirely wrong to me, but I'm still unclear as to what the right move should have been in that situation.

    And yawn! Boy, am I tired from the early morning call, which has turned into a weekly thing.

    Honestly, I have no idea. Sounds like you didn't do anything wrong to me! FWIW I've learned that turing to Abbey and having her ask permission from daddy helps both him and her feel like I'm not undermining his authority.

    And DH wants two more, so we'll still have another chance to get in a due date room together if this is a sticky bean. Alternatively, you could try to get pregnant right now, lol.
    Last edited by AbbeysMom; 11-09-2011 at 04:48 PM.



    lost our bean to Triploidy Sep 2010

  18. #25248

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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Hey, thank you girls for your thoughts on the Bodhi/DH situation. It helps me be better prepared for next time.

    I'm sorry to pile my troubles on you girls, but I am literally shaking right now from my crazy tenant down in LA calling and yelling at me in response to that dog letter I'd sent her a few months ago. You remember that. It wouldn't have been so bad, except she called me first and we had a very nice chat about altogether different things. At the end, I said I'm glad things worked out with the dogs. I'm sorry that I didn't give her the courtesy of a phone call and please understand as the landlord it's important to document all of my communications. I document everything with the tenants in the other house on the property, etc. Fine. Spent another 15 minutes chatting about her work, etc. We hung up.

    2 minutes later, she calls back and starts unleashing her anger on me, how I made her feel like scum and she could move out anytime if she wanted to and she's still very angry with me. I just kept my mouth shut, apologized again, "sorry you feel that way. you can call me anytime to share your feelings on me." And the torrent of pissiness DID. NOT. STOP. I let her yell at me without saying anything for a full 2 minutes. She descended into full babbling about what a tough year she'd had leaving her ex-husband, losing a house, how my letter was a slap in the face. I just thanked her for sharing her feelings and that they were understandable and I was there to listen. Then I ended the call after an awkward pause. She's probably going to claim I hung up on her because I never actually said good bye. Just a polite thank you. OMG, I have a psycho tenant on my hands. Seriously. I know mental illness when I see it, and she's got something going on.

    OK, and she just called me a 3rd time and hung up when I said hello. This is going to end badly at some point. Ugh.


    I'm sorry Myles, that sounds really horrible. We had some psycho tenants that were bad enough to convince us to just sell the property.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    Dbf and I have made a stone solid pact that we will not argue in front of the kids anymore. We are both pretty sure that our arguing contributies to Savana's anxiety. Yeah, we suck. Anyway, last night he was disciplining Savana in a way that I felt was way to harsh for the "crime" but I said nothing. Savana of course came to me tearfully explaining his lack of justice. I told her she needed to listen to her dad. She lost her mind for minute but ended up going and sitting with him on his chair when it was all said and done. I was pleasantly surprised. It's going to be very hard for me to keep my mouth shut but I know it's extremely important.

    You don't suck, please don't ever think that. And It had to have been incredibly hard to do that. It sounds like Savana was caught off guard but on some level it had to be reassuring for her to see that unity. Hopefully your dbf noticed and will return the favor sometime in the future be being a nice guy when you don't expect it.



    lost our bean to Triploidy Sep 2010

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    I can't remember where I read this. Apparently, arguing in front of kids is not as much of an issue as arguing and not resolving in front of them. IOW, if they see the start of an argument and you pull back and take it private, thinking 'not in front of the kids', then it is left up to their imagination to figure out what is going on and how it is resolved. It is important for them to see that yes, adults can argue, but they can also resolve them fairly amicably, and that's just part of life (assuming everyone is fighting fair and whatnot).

    Myles, your crazy tenant sounds like some of the crazy employees we've had. I hope she moves out soon.
    I read that too, I think it was in a book by Dr. Sears. I remember an anecdote about him arguing with his wife and making sure to resolve the conflict in front of their kids.

    But honestly, kids are pretty perceptive, and I'm a big believer that creating a "united front" not only helps with discipline but it makes kids feel like their parents are in it together. It's one of those things that makes them annoyed in the short term but gives comfort in the long-term. And there's the idea that if one parent is doing the "protecting" that means the other parent is unfair or untrustworthy, which isn't great thing for a kiddo to think about either parent.
    Last edited by AbbeysMom; 11-09-2011 at 04:49 PM.



    lost our bean to Triploidy Sep 2010

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    I think that when my friends go to the temple (it's not often) they bring things like food and flowers...not jewelry. I forgot what god is his favorite....but they call one of their cars Shiva so everytime you have written that, I have pictured their car. LOL

    I think that a united front is important too....and why I have learned to bite my tongue while practicing with cosmo. I assume that I will be doing that with our child too. I mean it's not like he's awful but just different...more strict than I am and just doesn't always do things how I would. course the reverse happened too and he learned that he can't undermine me too.

    Chrissy, no advice for you on that one. I don't know that I would do punishment either but certainly bribes and rewards. Maybe something like 5 stickers leads to a new dinosaur? I don't know.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    I read that too, I think it was in a book by Dr. Sears. I remember an anecdote about him arguing with his wife and making sure to resolve the conflict in front of their kids.

    But honestly, kids are pretty perceptive, and I'm a big believer that creating a "united front" not only helps with discipline but it makes kids feel like their parents are in it together. It's one of those things that makes them annoyed in the short term but gives comfort in the long-term.

    ITA. I mean it's one thing to fight and have them see you make up....it's something else if they are the cause of the fight (or feel like they are the cause of the fight).

    And Myles at your tenant!!!!

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  22. #25252

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    Myles, it sounds like a typical struggle at our house. I'd say since he was already in the time out for playing when they were supposed to leave, he didn't need to be further punished by not getting to go to school with you.

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    Myles, it sounds like a typical struggle at our house. I'd say since he was already in the time out for playing when they were supposed to leave, he didn't need to be further punished by not getting to go to school with you.

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    Yes, I read that about making up in front of the kids too. It makes a lot of sense.
    The problem here is that we just argue a lot. It used to be about his constant lying but now it is mostly about his parenting and it's really hard, like Myles said, for me not to step in and protect them. It's especially difficult because I am with them all day actively teaching them things about kindness and confict resolution and then he does not practice those things and they call him out. What do I say? It's very hard. Like when he tells them to stop crying and they yell at him, "It's all right to CRY! Crying gets the sad out!"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    I would've told Bodhi that you should not have promised to take him to school without talking to DH first, but because you gave your word, you would take him the next day, as long as he doesn't behave in a way that would cause you to change your mind. That way, you would get to make up for some lost time, you would be keeping your word, and DH's point that he shouldn't be rewarded for acting up would still get made.
    I would have handled the situation with B in a similar fashion as above Myles. I do my best not to interfere with DH and his interactions with the children. He does things differently than I do and like Bridget I actively try to teach them kindness and to be gentle with their words and to be forgiving. My DH is also rather brash and will just up and do something out of the blue that is excessive. We made a decision together to not do this but he falters sometimes. Most of the time, I let him work it out and it always works out positively. It took a while, especially during Ky's tumultuous toddler years for me to trust that DH wouldn't go ballistic with all the gains I felt I was making with Ky but I started to not interfere and I let him do his thing. I also explained to Ky that dad and mom are two different people and we do things in a different way but we both love him and want the best for him. I feel it helps that DH and I are different in our communication approaches and many other areas as it prepares the kids for the real world. Eventually they won't be in our house and they won't be as shocked IMO when someone comes at them all crazy like (crazy IMO because I do think DH acts crazy sometimes LOL). They won't see it as a big deal and won't get their feelings hurt in the future. Currently, DH's weird mood changes, even though they are rarer than they used to be, don't even bother Ky like they used to when I stepped in. I fell it has made him see and accept his dad for the way he is. The kids and DH will have their own relationship that is not like the one I have with them and I had to accept that too. It is hard though, fighting that urge to step in and protect and I admit that I still fight it, especially now that Elle is 3 and rather bossy and mouthy at times.

    I hope your tenant was just releasing some pent up angst and that it will blow over Myles. No advice for that situation though. I can't believe that she would continue to call you like that and act so insane.

    Erin

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    I think there's a fine line. I don't believe in never ever arguing/discussing/debating in front of the kids (whichever word you want to call it-arguing seems kinda strong). I do believe it teaches children good communication skills, providing it's handled correctly (and I'm not saying at all that we've always handled that correctly, because we haven't). At the same time, there is a lot of truth to presenting a united front. I know we're not on the same page now and haven't been for 2-3 years, but for a good chunk of the girls' childhood (and what I believe were their most formative years) we were absolutely lock-in-step with each other. It was easier then-the kid's problems were so much smaller and Rich was very receptive to my ideas. I was more into psychology and childhood/human development. As they got older and their problems became real, he resorted to what he knew best-what I call bullying. It absolutely doesn't work and helped pretty much shatter things around here for all of us.

    Anyway, I don't think Bridget's concern was really about never, ever disagreeing, but more the frequency and manner in which they disagreed. When our kids were little, we had a set of rules with consistent consequences and there was never any discussion between Rich and I about punishments...we were that much on the same page. He wasn't overly severe, and I don't think I was too lenient. The girls are all amazing, so I have to believe that was the 'right' way to parent.

    Not saying we didn't argue in front of them, but our approach to discipline or 'learning opportunities' back then was absolutely united.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    We'll be heading to Colorado for Thanksgiving, depending on my results tomorrow, and I know there will be a family group prayer for Thanksgiving dinner. Abbey's finally old enough so that she will notice, and I need to figure out how to explain/address it without sounding dismissive of MIL/FIL beliefs (evangelical Baptists).

    DH and I usually hold hands with everyone but don't bow out heads and close our eyes, we just kind of wait for it to be over. I'm not sure what to do with Abbey. With everyone holding hands she likely start singing "Ring Around the Rosie", lol.

    Any ideas?

    That is a difficult situation to approach without offending your MIL/FIL. Wish I had some advice, but I still struggle with how I will deal with this as Nolan gets older. DH is a believer so I know it will become an issue as Nolan becomes more aware of religions/religious practices.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


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    I think a united front is extremely important in a household. It's all about consistency I like the part about the kids 'seeing' the resolution, I never thought about that and will keep it in my back pocket for future refence. Having debates or disagreements in front of kids is a completely different ballpark than a full blown argument. I have VERY strong feelings about the subject, being raised in a house with alot of yelling/arguing can be extremely damaging to the emotional state of an LO.

    Bridget it has to be very frustrating to be with someone with such a different kind of parenting style. I think the fact that your LO's call him out on those kinds of things is actually a good thing. Maybe it will make him realize that he needs to change the way that he views/says things to the children. How does he normally respond to them when they rebute(OK I think that word is wrong, but I'm too tire to care LOL) what he's said to them?

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


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    I think a united front is extremely important in a household. It's all about consistency I like the part about the kids 'seeing' the resolution, I never thought about that and will keep it in my back pocket for future refence. Having debates or disagreements in front of kids is a completely different ballpark than a full blown argument. I have VERY strong feelings about the subject, being raised in a house with alot of yelling/arguing can be extremely damaging to the emotional state of an LO.

    Bridget it has to be very frustrating to be with someone with such a different kind of parenting style. I think the fact that your LO's call him out on those kinds of things is actually a good thing. Maybe it will make him realize that he needs to change the way that he views/says things to the children. How does he normally respond to them when they rebute(OK I think that word is wrong, but I'm too tire to care LOL) what he's said to them?

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


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    I agree that a united front is important as well. I wouldn't argue overly much about parenting choices in front of the kids. Other stuff is fair game, as long as everyone is being civil about it.

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