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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #22741
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    I talk to DH when he's on the computer too. But try to ask him if is in ok time to talk or can he listen...some things he does on there require a lot of concentration and some do not. We are both really sensitive needy people though and try to remember that and listen to each other. And usually a simple, you really hurt my feelings, gets the others attention.

    So back a while ago we were talking vacations. My sister wants to go to DC for a weekend in October. It's a place DH has always wanted to go...me it's on the list but not so high up. I was going to send them off together....they are a lot alike and get along really well and when we travel together before, I'm the one who annoys both of them. We are trying to figure out if there is enough PTO days....we had to take off a lot when DH's grandma was dying and than the funeral. Well now I think that I can afford to take 2 days in October and I think that I might go with them if they go. I started feeling jealous of DH having fun without me even though it was my idea he go with my sister (she was talking about going alone and I don't like that idea). Gives me like 6-7 weeks to work out and get in better walking shape.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  2. #22742

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    Sometimes I will say "Hey can I talk to you for a minute?" or the ominous "We have to talk" if I really need his full attention. But sometimes I feel a little indignant that I have to pull his attention away from a computer game just to talk to him.

    He probably feels the same way when I'm on twitter... But at least I'm talking to people...

  3. #22743
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    If it's just tv (or in my case, apa) then I can't see where anything going on there could possibly be more important than what SO has to say. Talk about taking someone for granted. But if it's work related, I think it's totally acceptable to expect to be given a few minutes so they can focus on the task at hand.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    Gwenn,
    Sounds like a pretty good appt with getting everything covered. Did he order any lab work for you? I'm thinking a TSH is usually done, prolactin, FSH....trying to remember what else.
    I would do an HSG if I were you. It's pretty much standard if doing IF treatments. The risks are really pretty low, like 1% or something for infection and often they do a course of antibiotics with it. I was basically just being a big chicken....and I was even offered some valium or something to take first. I would have bite the bullet if I was going to do an IUI though. No sense in wasting the money on that if the tubes are blocked. But for me labs are subject to deductible first so we would have paid out of pocket for it. Didn't see a point in paying $1375 or something like that when we knew we wouldn't be doing IUI or IVF anyway. Better for us to put that money towards the adoption.
    There is some belief too that the flushing of the tubes can increase the chances of success for about 3 months afterwards....especially if they use oil based dye instead of water based dye.
    Oh duh, just saw the order for lab work!

    I wouldn't get over my hatred of fish either. I would just find the burpless fish oil pills and take those instead!
    Yeah, I have to get the lab work done right away. Today is actually CD1 and I have to get tested CD2-3. I was worried about lab work because I didn't know about taking off work to get to the lab when I had evals scheduled and waiting at work, but it turns out the lab opens at 7am so I can go in and still get to work by 8:30 when my first appointment is scheduled. I told my partner and she told me not to rush back, if I ended up a little late it was fine and she would handle the situation. Have to say in many ways she's awesome.

    Oh, and as far as fish oil goes, DH is a big advocate of fish oil. He takes a ton every day. The doctor told him all the studies about the benefits of fatty fish were done with people eating actual fish, not fish oil - so he can't vouch for the benefits of bottle fish oil because it might have gone bad. DH didn't want to get into it with him, but he still takes fish oil and wants me to take it, too. But he does love the doctor for telling me to get over it! It was hilarious the way he said that.

    Actually, I had a question for you, Jennifer. Is there any research involving outcomes in children with dad's with poor morphology? Like IQ, communication, health issues? I'm not aware of anything in the area of communication but I did wonder.

    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    AFM N's appointment went fantastic!!! He does NOT have cystic fibrosis!!! and his stool sample (the one out of three they had back) showed no signs of an enzyme deficiency!! AND he gained 1lb 10oz!! He is still severely under curve, but as long as he continues to gain no more testing for us!!! It was the best appointment EVER! I thought I was going to cry, it was pitiful!
    Sooo happy for you! I had a milk allergy as a child and when my mom stopped BF I became very sick and almost died. The doctor had me tested for CF (which I don't have) and my mother said it was the scariest thing that ever happened to her and she was SO relieved to hear that wasn't the problem. So I can relate somewhat to what you were going through.

    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    If it's just tv (or in my case, apa) then I can't see where anything going on there could possibly be more important than what SO has to say. Talk about taking someone for granted. But if it's work related, I think it's totally acceptable to expect to be given a few minutes so they can focus on the task at hand.
    ITA.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  5. #22745

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    L that made me uncomfortable just hearing about you speaking to your DH and him responding in such a way. Hugs to you!! It would make me nervous about speaking to him and I would be angry as well.

    My DH has very dramatic expressions, they are hard to miss so I can always tell when he is wanting to ignore me or is doing something else. The expressions and the fact that he will actually say "shhh, I'm watching TV." I remember the first time he said that to me I was literally shocked and didn't say anything. Now I wait for commercials and I turn off the TV and tell him what I want to say. I can understand if it is once in a while, but not constant. My DH does that once in a while and a long time ago, maybe 5 or 6 years ago, I kind of went off on him about saying "shhh" to me like I am his child and that I was more important than some freaking (didn't say freaking) TV show and I needed to talk to him. He very rarely tells me to shush anymore and will usually just ask if I can wait until a commercial.

    I never ignore DH when I am on the computer or watching TV, but I schedule TV time, like right now I should be watching ABC because I only watch TV on Weds and Thurs for Modern Family and Greys Anatomy. But Greys is not on yet so I haven't been really paying much attention to TV recently. DH knows my TV schedule and rarely bothers me when I am watching a show. If I am online he will come and talk to me (and usually rub his crotch on me which I mentioned in the thread in Random). I always respond, but I don't work from home and if I was working I would tell him I was working and please wait for however much time I need and I will come straight to him when I am done.

    Erin

  6. #22746

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    Christina, I missed the post about Nolan's appt. but I'm so glad it wasn't CF! Yay!

  7. #22747
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    Me too Christina. So happy for you!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  8. #22748
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    3andme, that's no way for your DH to talk to you; I hope that maybe you can convey to him that he needs to think about what he says before it comes out of his mouth.

    If my DH is playing his video games, I usually leave him alone unless something is pressing and then I'll tell him to pause when he gets to a stopping point (like when you were in school taking a timed test! lol). We're pretty good about letting each other know when we need the other to listen. But, last night, I was watching a really interesting documentary on Wallis Simpson and he comes waltzing in to the living room with the handheld vac tidying up the cheerios that were around the couch and I was like, "dude, I would have done that later; can't you see I'm watching TV?" LOL.

    Cash is still on his getting up at 4:30am streak; it's no fun getting up that early, but I think I'm kind of getting used to it. Travis has done 2 little tiny poos, so there might be an end in sight for the constipation, hallelujah!

  9. #22749

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    Yay for pooping Travis!!

    While on the subject of initiating conversation. It bothers me to no end when dbf just hollers to me from wherever he is to talk to me. I tell him all the time that he should come find me if he needs to speak to me. He's not hearing me on that one.

  10. #22750
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    L that would have really upset me I have to be honest and say now that think about it, I have probably done that to DH a time or two I have certain shows I watch during the week and he always tries to start an indepth conversation right in the middle of it Thank you for pointing that out though, I will have to be more conscientious of that.

    Gwenn that is SO scary! All I kept thinking is if my baby has CF I am going to have to watch him die at an early age. I don't know how parents who face that deal, my heart really goes out to them. On the morphology front (I know you didn't ask me ) my understanding is that the sperm that are "abnormal" are not able to penetrate the egg, therefore I would think it would be unlikely that there could be any issues resulting from it. Plus, my little man is perfect and DH's morphology was worse

    Ash Woohoo for Poop!!!!

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  11. #22751
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    I talked to my dh last night as we were both on the couch, about to watch a show together but just hadn't pushed play yet. I gave him a brief summary of something really interesting I'd picked up from this book (Raising Happiness) that I knew he'd be interested in. Then I realized he was emailing at the same time, and I apologized for starting a conversation when he was otherwise occupied. He waved a hand and said, No, it's fine, I can do both at the same time.

    Speaking of, this book -- I know it was recommended by someone on APA, but I don't remember if it was someone in here -- is fascinating reading. It talks about how to raise our children to be secure and happy beings based on scientific research, and so far there is some overlap with Nurtureshock (and praise) and John Gottman's Making Marriage Work, both of which I've read. I keep bookmarking little tidbits to share, and I will come back later and share the most pertinent info.

    The beginning of the book talks about how there has been an increasing amount of research into happiness and functional families and societies, after so much time spent researching how people and families, etc. become unhappy or dysfunctional. That there used to be a belief in a happiness "set point" and that events could temporarily raise or lower this point but essentially an individual was doomed to have this same happiness level throughout his or her life. Not true, says the author, based on current research. Happiness and optimism can be learned and created, even in adults (so it's never too late!), and while certain personality traits are genetic, twin studies are showing that quite a bit of happiness is under our control.

    I'm not very far into it, and some of it is very depressing to me. The first chapters after the introduction are all about how to have a good relationship with the father of your children and how to spend time doing things you enjoy. It also talked about not feeling like a failure if you haven't been doing everything perfectly. It's nice that she doesn't speak from a holier-than-thou perspective, and she talks about the things that she has done wrong. She happens to be divorced, actually. But still has a positive relationship with her children's father.
    Last edited by 3andMe; 08-25-2011 at 07:45 AM.


  12. #22752
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    Happiness and optimism can be learned and created, even in adults (so it's never too late!), and while certain personality traits are genetic, twin studies are showing that quite a bit of happiness is under our control.
    I totally believe that. Heck, I'd have to or I don't know if I could continue on. j/k...I really believe that because I feel like I experienced it myself. Going from a depressed/suicidal teenager to an adult who loves life and enjoys it (most the time) wasn't something anyone gave me.

    I'm not so happy right now but I don't feel like I can get into here. I still have hope that there's more happiness in my future though and I know it's up to me to create it.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  13. #22753

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    That was me who mentioned Raising Happiness, I think. Remember that post where I told the story of the embarrassing time I met the author? I think I might have called you the night she was talking to ask if you wanted to come at the last minute. Anyway, since she's a local girl, I hope you get the chance to see the author one day because she's a terrific speaker and can cite a zillion studies off the top of her head.

    As for your DH, L, I have to confess - justified or not - I'm pretty sure I make my DH feel similarly belittled when I won't listen to him. He is an extreme case, though. Was called "The Rambler" on the Appalachian Trail. Not very aware of his audience, to where I've seen him turn off other people he just meets with his self-absorption in conversation. He's a good listener atmost of the right times, but he's just not good at reading people's interest. And he doesn't do much editing of himself - like every little detail comes out with little point to it. So he's working on it on his end - after yrs of feedback, andI can work on it on mine.

    Jennifer - I'm in favor of any trip. And I think DC is a wonderful city. You should go with them but do your own thing during the day. My two cents worth anyway. I love museums on my own.

  14. #22754

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    Myles, your dh and my dbf would have a difficult time having a conversation, I think. They'd have to talk over each other.

    My bff and I used to do that all the time and still totally be able to know what the other said.
    Speaking of her, I have to write her a letter I don't want to write. I have to tell her that her husband is not welcome in my home. He did something unforgivable a while back and from speaking to her I get the distinct impression that she thinks enough time has passed and she can bring him around again. I can understand why she thinks that because I am an extremely forgiving person. But not this time. I am terrified of losing her though.
    He left her and went back to hawaii for a couple of months. Oh how I wish he's stayed gone.

  15. #22755
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    I hope she understands Bridget. Knowing you, if you said my dh wasn't welcome at your house it would be a huge red flag for me to seriously reassess if I'd even want to be with the guy. I don't know what he said/did, but it must have been awful for you to come to that decision.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  16. #22756

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    It was awful, Chrissy. I could share it but I'd feel like I need to erase it after.
    She knows he sucks. She basically told me that the only reason she is letting him come back is that she needs an extra set of hands. She is pregnant with their 3rd child, full time nurse, recently lost her father, gets no support from her alcohol/drug addicted family. If there was any possible way I could let this go and not add to her stress I would. But I can't.

  17. #22757
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Actually, I had a question for you, Jennifer. Is there any research involving outcomes in children with dad's with poor morphology? Like IQ, communication, health issues? I'm not aware of anything in the area of communication but I did wonder.
    .

    Did a quick search and wasn't finding much. I think that except in terms of success for IVF. I think that it's like Christina said that if you do get pg, it's probably one of the normal ones that did it.

    I also found this http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/spe...hology/AN01305

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    It was awful, Chrissy. I could share it but I'd feel like I need to erase it after.
    She knows he sucks. She basically told me that the only reason she is letting him come back is that she needs an extra set of hands. She is pregnant with their 3rd child, full time nurse, recently lost her father, gets no support from her alcohol/drug addicted family. If there was any possible way I could let this go and not add to her stress I would. But I can't.
    I don't think she'll be upset with you then. It sounds like she knows what he is.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Bridget that sounds like it would be difficult. I have a friend whose BF/DF is NOT welcome around me AT ALL. Although that was made clear early on in there relationship when he would cheat on her and hit her

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  20. #22760

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    ITA with Chrissy, Bridge. I'll bet she knows you of all people can somewhat relate (3 children, losing a parent, a partner in need of forgiveness) and have her best interest in mind.

    Last edited by demigraf; 08-25-2011 at 11:35 AM.

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    .

  22. #22762
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    Oh my gosh, I would never even think of going on vacation with DH and not being together the whole time. We did split from my inlaws and sister when the five of us went to Disney together but really all the days except one my sister was with us and the inlaws about half that time. I want to experience things with someone else, like DH or my sister.

    I'm not into trains that much but DH is and we hit up a lot of train museums. I go with him and just try to be extremely patient as he takes his time looking and reading things. And he will do things that I want to do too even if he doesn't.

    We are just both very needy clingy people and I think that some comes too with getting together so young. I was a freshman in college, he was a junior but really it was the first real relationship. Once together 13 years ago, we have pretty much always been together except while at work or in classes.

    Besides, without him I be lost...literally. I have the worst sense of direction and after driving to FL without a GPS, my sister and DH wouldn't let me have the map anymore. Funny considering my little sister does GIS for living and works off maps all day and DH loves maps. I have been living in my town of about 65K for almost 5 years and still don't know my way around. I can get to work and the places I know for shopping or go to a lot like the library. My coworkers make fun of me when they try to tell me where something is.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Jennifer I'm the same way I get lost even when I HAVE directions, its ridiculous!!!

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  24. #22764
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    And I CAN read a map, it just takes a while to get it for me...where I am in relation to everything else. To this day all my DH or sister has to do is say Macon Georgia when I try to be the navigator.

    And nothing screams tourist more than staring for a long time at a map! I did that when wandering around in downtown Minneapolis a few months ago when I was there for a conference and I didn't like it. I spent most of the time in my hotel room watching Sex and the City on my computer! Well when I wasn't doing conference stuff that is.

    And I just feel safer with someone else with me....being alone feels like being a target.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  25. #22765

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    Jennifer, I am like that too. I still couldn't get around the island of Oahu driving and I lived there for almost 5 years. It's a small island. Now I can get around Madison for the most part but ever since we got one of those Garmin things that gives directions I feel like I cannot function without it, even when I *should* know where I am going!

    Do you guys think it's bad that I'm going to write her a letter? I mean, I literally plan on writing it with pen and paper and mailing it to her. The reason I feel it's so crucial now is because when we spoke the other night and she told me he was coming back, she said they decided to look for a place closer to me, even in our town, so that she could be near me and also put space between herself and her family. I feel before she makes such a big decision that she needs to know where I stand in regards to her dh being a part of my life.
    Last edited by Bridget; 08-25-2011 at 02:11 PM.

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    Wow Bridget that is eff'd up! Seriously I don't blame you one bit!

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  27. #22767

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    Bridget, I missed your post (can you secretly share on FB?), so I don't know the details. Regarding the letter, I feel like I'm learning more and more that people don't like getting things in writing, like my tenant this week. I know that's not the same thing. Another time I wrote an apology to a friend, and her response was, "Why couldn't you just say that to my face?" I feel like writing is better because it allows one to compose one's thoughts carefully, but for some reason, it seems frowned upon. I don't completely get it. Anyway, in case your friend won't take kindly to a thoughtfully composed letter from you, is there any way you could simply mention it on the phone? Even in the context of some light joke? I'm not questioning your judgment here in writing a letter because that's probably what I'd do, but it just seems to me that it's backfired on me quite a bit in the past. And if you want to minimize her stress, maybe it's better to give her an earful of it, rather than something more permanent that she could read over and over again and possibly misinterpret.

    Jennifer - I totally understand not wanting to separate from your travel buddies. I keep forgetting I'm actually weird in the way that I like to strike out on my own, and jump at the chance for alone time. (I'm actually great with a map, but TERRIBLE with a calendar. I can never seem to keep track of what day it is.)

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    Madison is a confusing town I think! Course I didn't do any better with Milwaukee and I went to school there (and not UWM but out in the burbs) and lived there...plus dated DH a while before going to school up there. And still didn't know my way around and that was probably about 8 years of being there. DH just drove us everywhere. I could get myself to work and the grocery store and the malls. LOL

    I had to go to Rochester MN from where I am now and with my GPS I still got lost and had to go through a lot of "correcting". At some point I was on a road that was barely big enough for my car and a had to stop while a bunch of turkeys or something crossed the little road. I'm surprised I didn't end up in Iowa.

    I don't know if a letter is right either. Maybe just a flat out face to face or at least over the phone and let her know to not base anything off of you and that he is NOT welcome to your home.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Could you meet up with her for a coffee or something like that so you can talk face to face about it?

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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    While on the subject of initiating conversation. It bothers me to no end when dbf just hollers to me from wherever he is to talk to me. I tell him all the time that he should come find me if he needs to speak to me. He's not hearing me on that one.
    I was raised in a family that shouted from room to room so I thought it was normal - but DH hates it when I do that and in school I learned it was a really bad thing for two reasons - both because it can be really damaging to your vocal cords with all the shouting, and because if the other person doesn't hear well, the message gets lost. It's the first thing you should suggest in the case of dealing with families who have a member with hearing loss - don't scream at them from the other room, because they need to SEE you speaking. I'm trying to change my ways but it's hard.

    DH has a habit of turning on the TV in the room where I am and then leaving the room with something I hate on the television. Last night he did that and then when I shouted at him I didn't hear his answer. So then he asked if I had a problem with my hearing. I said, "I do with that television blaring in my ear!"

    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    Gwenn that is SO scary! All I kept thinking is if my baby has CF I am going to have to watch him die at an early age. I don't know how parents who face that deal, my heart really goes out to them. On the morphology front (I know you didn't ask me ) my understanding is that the sperm that are "abnormal" are not able to penetrate the egg, therefore I would think it would be unlikely that there could be any issues resulting from it. Plus, my little man is perfect and DH's morphology was worse
    I know someone who had her daughter diagnosed with CF - actually she was my supervisor for a while and that was just during and after her getting the diagnosis. I was amazed at how well she handled it, but it was still devastating.

    That's a good point about the morphology, thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    Did a quick search and wasn't finding much. I think that except in terms of success for IVF. I think that it's like Christina said that if you do get pg, it's probably one of the normal ones that did it.

    I also found this http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/spe...hology/AN01305
    Thanks for looking into it for me. I did worry about increased change of a genetic problem but it does make sense that they wouldn't be the ones to penetrate.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    Madison is a confusing town I think! Course I didn't do any better with Milwaukee and I went to school there (and not UWM but out in the burbs) and lived there...plus dated DH a while before going to school up there. And still didn't know my way around and that was probably about 8 years of being there. DH just drove us everywhere. I could get myself to work and the grocery store and the malls. LOL

    I had to go to Rochester MN from where I am now and with my GPS I still got lost and had to go through a lot of "correcting". At some point I was on a road that was barely big enough for my car and a had to stop while a bunch of turkeys or something crossed the little road. I'm surprised I didn't end up in Iowa.
    I can read a map, but I'm much better when I know where I'm going. I've lived in this city for over 25 years and because it's a grid for the most part, I can navigate anywhere comfortably and it's one reason I'm uncomfortable moving - I'd have to learn a new city and the idea intimidates me! I HATE Phoenix simply because it's big and I don't know where the streets are in relation to one another so I avoid driving there.
    Last edited by Gwenn; 08-25-2011 at 06:13 PM.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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