Secular Confessions

[Gwenn]

O.M.G. - I just got a letter in the mail from my department at work. I was not expecting a letter and DH was teasing me about it - it's never fun to get mail at home from your employer that you weren't expecting.

Well, the department is hosting a workshop by invitation only by a woman I've actually heard speak before. I learned a ton from her and she's truly amazing. I was nominated by my boss to attend. My registration fee will be paid by the department and I will be paid for a day of work (it's being held the day before I'm due to go back to work). All I have to do is sign up.

Seriously, I feel like that is such an honor! I talk a lot of crap about my work but they really have done a lot to develop me as a professional.

[Gwenn]

O.M.G. - I just got a letter in the mail from my department at work. I was not expecting a letter and DH was teasing me about it - it's never fun to get mail at home from your employer that you weren't expecting.

Well, the department is hosting a workshop by invitation only by a woman I've actually heard speak before. I learned a ton from her and she's truly amazing. I was nominated by my boss to attend. My registration fee will be paid by the department and I will be paid for a day of work (it's being held the day before I'm due to go back to work). All I have to do is sign up.

Seriously, I feel like that is such an honor! I talk a lot of crap about my work but they really have done a lot to develop me as a professional.

[daylilies]

Cool!

[missychrissy]

Congrats on the home visit Jennifer!

Your dog is adorable Myles

Haha Bridget on your boob slip. I imagine she's seen that sort of thing before.

Kate, I don't think it's a waste of time at all going to the pool. If you never go, he'll never learn to love it. It will take time but he'll get there.

[Gwenn]

Ugh. I know this is petty and I shouldn't complain, but I'm going to vent here. Ugh.

Just got an emailed invitation to a joint birthday party for my mother and my aunt. It is the Saturday after I start back to work so I will be in the middle of adjusting from being home on break to being working full time with a busy schedule, which is always a bit of a shock to my system every year, and in addition my sister always comes out to visit that exact week every single year and expects me to spend all my free time at my parent's house visiting her and staying up late talking to her. She never comes over here to spend time at my house, I have to go to her every time. She doesn't even bother to call me, I have to call her, but if I don't everyone gives me the could shoulder like I'm avoiding her. That Saturday I've now been invited to a huge family party halfway up a mountain. The park collects a toll on entry, and there are limited parking spaces so "carpooling is encouraged" although there is no one I particularly want to carpool with as we would then be on that person's schedule. They apparently have invited more people than they have space for parking. We have to bring all our food and cook it ourselves, they will provide charcoal but there will be fewer grills than parking spaces. The hosts are otherwise providing only ice and birthday cake. We were told to bring our own chairs (we have no camping chairs) as there are only picnic benches, and the space is reserved from 8 am to 7 pm and there is no other time specified for the party than "you should cook your food between 12-1". Oh, and DH absolutely hates large gatherings of people he sort-of knows. I don't love them either, but DH being miserable makes it 100x worse (and pretty much entirely rules out carpooling). Absolutely the last thing on earth I want to do after my first week of work.

Okay, end rant. I know there's nothing wrong with a picnic, but 30+ people is not my idea of a picnic and I know they didn't plan the date of their birthday, but I am just tired of having to go to a huge family party right after starting work every.single.year.

[Bridget]

Gwenn, that does sound like a lot of work and hassle for a party. How bad would it be if you didn't go? I think the older I get, the less willing I am to do things that are too much trouble. But I know family stuff is tricky.

I am feeling so oversensitive these days in regards to my role in our family. I feel like I work really hard but the rewards are not monetary so to dbf, the rewards are minimal. He can't see past the financial aspect. For example, he is working right now so every night he comes home everything myself or the kids ask him to do we get the, "I worked all day" excuse. When I say I work all day every day he makes comments about his work being different and to me that eludes that he thinks I don't work hard. Then last night I was sort of venting about how the technical advisor that came to visit my daycare yesterday had not read through the information packet and I had so I was basically walking her through it instead of vice versa. So I jokingly made the comment that she gets paid the big bucks and I could do her job. Dbf said, very snarkily, "If you can make big bucks then why don't you apply for the job?"
When I asked who would care for the kids he laughed and said, "If you can make money doing something else, I will take care of the kids. Trust me. I'll make it work"
It made me feel like he thinks it's so easy. It made me sad like he just puts no worth on what I do for our family.
I thought about it a lot last night when I was up in the middle of the night re-doing a 100 piece puzzle Savana had done down in the daycare because she had written a note for the cleaning girl that said "Save" and worried that because she's "not good at making letters", the cleaning girl would not know to save it. I had meant to let Dana know not to put the puzzle away and totally forgot. I knew if Savana came and saw it put away she would think it was a reflection of her writing skills. If I wasn't here to do that, no one would do it and I am sad that dbf will never see the value in that.

[missychrissy]

Mandy I think that is a big deal. I can imagine how exhausting it would be to return to work, and then to have to do something like that? Is it just me, or could they have picked a more difficult spot? Cripes! I'm with Bridget. I'd be tempted to skip it.

Bridget, I'm so sorry. What you do DOES have value. Not just for your kids, but every child that enters your home. I'm sorry, I know I don't 'know' your dbf, but it sounds to me like he's encouraging you to get a job 'making the big bucks' so he can sit on his a$$ all day. I'd be willing to bet an entire paycheck of mine that IF you did that you'd be coming home to a wrecked house and still be expected to make dinner.

I hate that he makes you feel that way. I hate that he cannot consistently help you out each and every single day but yet makes it sound like what you do is easy-peasy. He can't even do it himself!! Man oh man what I wouldn't love to say to him.

[daylilies]

Guys don't get it...they think we put our feet up and watch our kids play and watch tv...although I don't know how your dbf doesn't see what you do. DH makes similar comments that if I could get a good paying job he'd stay home with Josh. I know he'd throw Josh in front of the tv or computer a lot for the sake of cleaning and doing laundry. I like it that he cleans and does laundry but I think his priorities are a little off.

I just 'hid' my MIL on facebook. LOL
She recently got let go from work because she was suspected of stealing (I really don't think she did it and DH and FIL don't think she's that kind of character either). So she should probably let the whole thing go but she's mouthing off about it on facebook and slamming all her friends who work there, saying they threw her under the bus.
She takes those weird 'how hot are you?' quizzes all day and is just generally spamming up my timeline.


But the last straw was when she "liked" Justin Beiber.

[Smplyme89]

Bridget, I'm so sorry. What you do DOES have value. Not just for your kids, but every child that enters your home. I'm sorry, I know I don't 'know' your dbf, but it sounds to me like he's encouraging you to get a job 'making the big bucks' so he can sit on his a$$ all day. I'd be willing to bet an entire paycheck of mine that IF you did that you'd be coming home to a wrecked house and still be expected to make dinner.

ITA! mama

[missychrissy]

Oh my Kate! Did a 13-year-old hack your mil's Facebook? I would have hidden her too!

[Ky'sMom]

Oh my Kate! Did a 13-year-old hack your mil's Facebook? I would have hidden her too!

I was thinking the same thing Kate!!

And Bridget I would suggest asking DBF to go out and get a full time job that makes the big bucks if he is so worried about money. I remember you saying that he does not like the traditional 9-5 type of position and that you are supportive in not pushing him to work a job he hates. He should be more supportive of you.

But I went through similar dealings with my DH as he also does not see being a SAHM (but you have the daycare so for my DH it would be different in his eyes because you do make money) as being valuable. He thought I should always do more and more and he could do less and less, basically nothing at home since he "worked all day." It didn't help that I really am not the SAHM type but I don't feel comfortable putting little babies in daycare and would rather wait until they are over 12 months. DH didn't want Elle in daycare until she was 2 so I stayed a SAHM for a year longer than I wanted with him b!tching and moaning all along how I wasn't cleaning enough or cooking enough and blahblahblah. to you as is very frustrating dealing with such selfish, idiotic behavior.

Erin

[daylilies]

My MIL's a basket case and pretty immature most of the time. I've given up trying to figure her out!

[3andMe]

Guys don't get it...they think we put our feet up and watch our kids play and watch tv...although I don't know how your dbf doesn't see what you do. DH makes similar comments that if I could get a good paying job he'd stay home with Josh. I know he'd throw Josh in front of the tv or computer a lot for the sake of cleaning and doing laundry. I like it that he cleans and does laundry but I think his priorities are a little off.

And Bridget I would suggest asking DBF to go out and get a full time job that makes the big bucks if he is so worried about money.

I think that's an excellent suggestion of Erin's. You know what, though? I bet that his basic attitude of thinking his paying work is worth more and is more difficult than your unpaid work of raising your children and maintaining your home is never going to change, and wouldn't change even if you and he were to switch roles, because he would probably just wing it and not spend time researching it or thinking about it and do a lot of reacting. The example you gave, about making sure that Savana's puzzle was kept out, was something that a thoughtful parent would do. It might be easier for Mark in some ways, because he wouldn't be spending his time thinking about that kind of stuff, although he'd have to deal with the hurt feelings later.

If it were me, I would probably try my best to not care about that attitude if I didn't think it would change, realize my own value, and reply with Erin's suggestion.

I'm pretty lucky, actually, that my dh realizes how much work being home with the children really is. Even when it's both of us with 3 kids, he can get home and be more exhausted than after a full day of maneuvering molecules or managers. I think he's taken care of all three of them by himself for less than 12 hours total ever. I do that and all the housework, and whenever he starts asking me when I can go back to work five days a week, it only takes a brief conversation before he realizes it is probably not a good idea yet.

But the last straw was when she "liked" Justin Beiber.

That cracked me up!

---------

Mandy, I feel your pain with the unwelcome family gatherings. You didn't even have to go into details. I have tried to say no to more than one of them myself, and I have never gotten my way and have just gotten people upset with me. I would suggest if you do try, have a "previous obligation" that you can't get out of, lie very well about it, and don't give many details that they can check.

[Cosmosmom]

Bridget, you do work and bring in money and perhaps he should man up and bring in the big bucks himself. Grrr. You are not a SAHM but a working mom.


Well the easiest way to get out of family stuff is to move just far enough away! We live anywhere from 4-6 or even 7 depending on traffic...hours from our families. It's nice because we can pick and chose what we go to...and can always use the distance as an excuse (can't get off work Friday or don't have the PTO to use, too much money for gas since we were down recently, or for half the year it's always dpending on the weather).


Myles the birth mom has EVERY say where their baby goes. So they look at these letters and decide from there which portfolios to look at and after that which couple to meet. The agency does give some guidelines for the letters and we have seen a number of examples. And looks like the agency has just started a process to where waiting parents can be online at their website. So I'm thinking that we will opt to do that next month. Looks like so far they have two http://www.lssadopt.org/Birthparents/waitingfamiles

[Smplyme89]

Myles the birth mom has EVERY say where their baby goes. So they look at these letters and decide from there which portfolios to look at and after that which couple to meet. The agency does give some guidelines for the letters and we have seen a number of examples. And looks like the agency has just started a process to where waiting parents can be online at their website. So I'm thinking that we will opt to do that next month. Looks like so far they have two http://www.lssadopt.org/Birthparents/waitingfamiles

I think thats really neat that they are setting up onlien

[girlwonder]

Sorry I have been absent a lot lately - we went on a family trip this week which was simply exhausting and from which I came back with either pinkeye or a sinus infection which is charmingly draining from my tear duct. yuck. Going to see the dr. today. We went to this resort outside of town which is fun for JoJo and everyone else, but hell on me because I hate the sun and heat and being outside when it is 100, worrying about sunscreen and looking like a dork because I am wearing long sleeves over my bathing suit, etc. They have a lazy river pool and big slide and JoJo's four cousins were there and she was in absolute heaven.

In one week we leave to go skiing in Chile. I am stressed out getting ready to travel internationally, packing for winter when it is over 100 degrees here, getting everything organized here for JoJo and her grandparents so there are no problems, etc. But once I get over that it should be pretty cool - literally winter! We get one day in Santiago, then travel to Valle Nevado for 2 days of skiing, then to a couple of wineries where we are staying on site and touring, horseback riding, etc. Then one last day in Santiago before we come back home. The travel itself is not terrible because the flight is overnight and there is no jetlag as the time difference is only a couple of hours. I will have to wave at Erin because we transfer to int'l at the Atlanta airport! This is one of the major benefits of dh's job in the wine industry because we get to take all these amazing trips.

I was going to get a haircut and color today and I was really excited because it is looooooong overdue and my grays are actually starting to make me look tired and old and I wanted to feel good on the trip but I had to cancel to go see the doctor about my eye. I'm so disappointed. I want to cry. I think I am still exhausted from the last trip and overly emotional.

[3andMe]

Oh, Katy. So exciting and so exhausting at the same time. I always try to get my hair done before a vacation too, because that's the only time I ever know I'm going to have pictures taken of me. I actually had my hair done yesterday because we're going to Wyoming soon.

It's so hard going on vacation with small children. I never find it restful at all. I think it's way harder than being at home, but it's so good for them. I hope you feel better soon and you can manage to squeeze a hair appt in before you go.

[girlwonder]

Well, I got a recommendation and am taking a chance on a new hairdresser next week. I hated to ask on fb as my hairdresser is a friend, but he's out of town all next week and just can't fit me in before then. I hope she does a good job. I'm sick about how much money it costs, but I hate looking like an old lady. I have tried for the past four months to just let the gray grow in and see if I could live with it, but I can't. There's a nice wide streak right at my widow's peak which would be fine if that was it, but there is also a fine sifting all over that is depressing to look at. I wear pigtail braids to keep my hair contained when I ski and gray just doesn't go well with that look. I feel so vain and very first-world-problem right now.

And we do not get to bring JoJo with us - we are not paying, the winery is, so they only paid for the two of us. JoJo's staying here with my my mom for half the week and with her aunt and other grandparents for the second half of the week. There's a possibility that we will go to Sicily for two weeks next year and I think we may be able to bring her with us for that one. I hope so - I hate leaving her here for so long.

I am a little worried about leaving her - there is an actively erupting volcano about 500 km south of where we are skiing and then last week there were riots in Santiago about the cost of education. I checked on the state department site and there is no travel advisory for Chile so I will hope for the best.

[Cosmosmom]

Katy it is NOT vain to be concerned about the grey hairs. I pluck them when I see one in my bangs because I hate how the light hits it and have already told my stylist that I will be coloring when needed....she said she would let me know when as I don't need it yet. And warned DH about it how isn't thrilled with the idea BUT I promised I would keep it about the same as my natural color in the summer.

[Bridget]

Thanks for all the sympathy, folks.
Lydia, I think you are right that I just have to not let it bother me. If falls in line with the mindfulness I have been aspiring to. Not letting others determine how I feel.
Erin I do like your suggestion as well but all he will say is that he makes more in a week doing his jobs than I do in a month doing mine. And he is right. That's what makes him feel like he is the one pulling more weight. What he doesn't understand is that I'm not trying to compete with him. We each have our role.

I hope that getting your hair done is not vain because every time I look in the mirror I want mine done badly. And it's not even to cover gray. It's just because I like having hightlights. I had to cancel my last appointment though because dbf was not comfortable keeping Sawyer.

Yup, same guy who suggested being a SAHD so I could work.

[missychrissy]

Yup, same guy who suggested being a SAHD so I could work.

Oh lordie!

What you do cannot have a price tag associated with it Bridget. I'm sorry he cannot see that. I really don't think it should have to be explained to him, especially given the above example.

[daylilies]

We went to a festival today, it's like a fair with rides, food and vendors selling cheap crap and Josh has fun at it. Well I spent almost 80 bucks all told after the food, and ride tickets, and games we had to pay money for, and Josh goes..."We should have gone to the park"
Sigh...he's already having first world problems LOL

[Ky'sMom]

Oh lordie!

What you do cannot have a price tag associated with it Bridget. I'm sorry he cannot see that. I really don't think it should have to be explained to him, especially given the above example.

So true. I know you might not see it that way, but your DBF is a riot....can't watch the baby for a couple hours but yet he wants to be a SAHD. Yeah right!! I would probably be giggling about his idiotic comments all the time (same as I do with my DH and he hates that I do it but I just can't help it because his mouth spews craziness IMO).

I am afraid to let other people do my hair. A hairdresser messed it up really badly about 10 years ago and I haven't been to a salon since. But you better believe that I will be covering the gray. I remember reading an article written by Nora Ephron (I think that's how you spell her name) and she was saying how hair dye was the greatest invention ever and is the main reason why women now-a-days can look so young. I completely agree. I don't want gray hair until I'm old (at least 60). I have two of them right now and they get plucked out as soon as I see them. Once I have more than 10, I will begin to color my hair and I am afraid of doing it myself more than a hair salon so I am already looking for a new hairdresser I can go to in the next 4-5 years. I also don't like hair chemicals and am researching using henna (like henna tatoos) as a dye, as I just want to keep my same haircolor which is a cute brown color and I think using henna will be okay for a while at least until I get so many grays that I will want to make sure that washing my hair won't allow me to see them. Call me vain if you want, but I will still do it. Plus DH already calls me vain a lot and I now see that as a complement. Oddly enough he says just as much that I don't care about my appearance, because I don't buy certain clothes/shoe brands and such, but really I just don't care what other people think about my appearance and I think I look really good no matter what I have on.

And LOL at Josh Kate!! He sounds like Ky. He would rather go to the park than just about anywhere else.


Erin

[Ky'sMom]

Oh, forgot to confess, I think we have spent over $1000 over the past 7 days. I don't even want to look at my savings account in order to verify it. I will save that until this Sunday. I keep a small account for emergencies and usually keep about $1500 in it for car break downs or just any small random thing that comes up. Well before I went out of town 6/29 I wanted to get some things fixed on my van to make it road worthy. The mechanic "fixed" the van and ended up breaking something else on it. He doesn't know what is broken so I have to take it to another mechanic to see what the hell is wrong with the van. I paid him $250 to "fix" my van and had to spend another $225 on the parts. I ended up having to rent a car for my trip instead of taking my van so another $300 for that. I had to pay a friend to house sit and feed the dogs, he was cheap at only $50 but he didn't listen to me or DH about not letting the dogs be in the yard together. We have 2 dogs, a pit mix and a pit bull. Both are very kind and gentle dogs with people, but the younger dog all of a sudden is starting to be dog aggressive and he picks on the older dog and tries to fight him. DH doesn't want to get rid of either one so he seperated our backyard to where they are never together, he built a six foot tall pen to keep them apart. My friend didn't close the gate (he says he did and that the dogs opened it, but whatever....dogs can't open latches) and the younger dog attacked the older and hurt him pretty badly before he could get away. We had to pay $300 for the vet to tend to him. On our trip DH decided to go above the speed limit in Ohio. If any of you ever drive through Ohio, know that Ohio State Patrol does not play when it comes to speeding, you will get a ticket if they see you, plus this was a holiday weekend so more of them were out. I have told DH this plenty of times. I am actually a speed queen on road trips but I NEVER speed through Ohio, I go 65, the speed limit. DH decided to go 80mph and got pulled over. He got a ticket for $150 which I just paid. He is taking my van to a AAA approved mechanic and I am hoping that the repairs won't be more than $200. We have just about wiped out my emergency savings. I am pretty cheap and frugal and rarely spend large sums of money and I save quite a bit so this has the potential to cause me a lot of headaches, but luckily I have been dealing well with it, especially since I am just glad our dog is okay and DH is so sad about the dog being hurt and getting the ticket especially. He is also really angry at our other dog and is considering giving him away. I hate spending money though on things that aren't planned, but I guess that is why it is good to have an emergency account.

Erin

[daylilies]

Ugh...unplanned things you have to pay for are no fun!

[Cosmosmom]

Ugh...unplanned things you have to pay for are no fun!

That is for sure!

[Smplyme89]

Erin that sounds like a headache I'm the same way about money. I prefer to hoard than to spend

[Cosmosmom]

DH likes to save money a LOT. I like to spend money a lot. He says I like to come up with ways to spend money (I just this afternoon emailed a place looking for estimate for a sprinkler system...no idea what that would cost but I would like one!). Vacations are my idea, the house my idea, a kid my idea...adoption my idea. When we have gotten new cars, those were my ideas. Thankfully after thinking about it after a while, he usually gets on board with my ideas. I have learned to give him time to adjust to a new thing that costs money or is a change.......and I also learned to spread out purchases and wait until the emergency savings as at a level he was comfortable with. The adoption might put us under that level a bit but a lot depends on how quickly we are matched and if we both are able to get assistance through our jobs.

[Bridget]

Oh Erin I know it practically hurts to spend money like that doesn't it?

And you bet I laugh at dbf all the time. You should see when me, my best friend and my brother get together and drink wine. We about die laughing so hard at some of the stories I tell. My best friend's husband is a doozie too so we share stories all night. My dad gets a kick out of my stories too. He always says, "He thinks he's so clever but he's not fooling anyone except himself."

Kate, that is so funny. It really never fails when I try to do something extraordinary for the kids and end up spending all kinds of money, it turns out they have more fun making mud in the front yard. That's the beauty of children, really.

[demigraf]

We went to a festival today, it's like a fair with rides, food and vendors selling cheap crap and Josh has fun at it. Well I spent almost 80 bucks all told after the food, and ride tickets, and games we had to pay money for, and Josh goes..."We should have gone to the park"
Sigh...he's already having first world problems LOL

LOL, kate!

Oh, Erin... *flush* $$$$ *flush*. I am so sorry about the unexpected bleeding-of-funds. It's a good thing that you keep that buffer, though. I can't say all folks would have the foresight or means to set something aside.

katy, Chile!!! And Chilean wines! That sounds like a wonderful time. I can't wait to hear all about it when you get back.

Bridget, of COURSE what you do is immeasurable. It makes me sad that M can't see that. But then again, as Lydia said, if he has a certain constant ham-handedness about things, I'd think that laughing it off would be the best way to cope. I know it's tough when this is your partner - you know the one who's supposed to love and cherish you - doing the undervaluing. But I guess it's the usual explanation that we can't have our mates be all things at all times. FWIW, I think you are a force to be reckoned with!!

Jennifer, oh, I hope the right mom finds you right away. Perhaps that means she'll skip over other waiting families and pick you right away. I don't know if that's how it works, but wouldn't that be something?

My parents are in town this weekend. So much to say about that. It's part family visit, part medical for my dad. I had a good conversation with him this morning, and I felt like I was going to start tearing up; he's obviously scared and frustrated that he doesn't know what's behind his medical condition. He got in for an appointment with a neurologist at UCSF on Wed, when he was expecting a month-long wait. I'm sad for him, and can be so frustrated with him at the same time. In some ways it's like having another insistent toddler in the house, who thinks mostly for his own needs and expects a certain amount of deference from me. When it's lunchtime, for example, he sat down and waited for me to bring him a plate. When he needed me to scan something to send to his doctor, he didn't acknowledge that was in the middle of a job-related task. Stuff like that. But that's probably more of his upbringing than his medical condition. Obviously he's more lucid than Bodhi, but I find I need to take the same sort of calming breaths and remind myself that he can't be expected to behave rationally all the time. Mostly he's slow (his word-finding is very slow, in both languages he speaks), and he tends to ask for a lot of things, and he looks very blank. But I credit Mandy for educating me on the fact that my dad & I both get something out of him getting the chance to talk and have someone listen to the ins and outs of his medical saga. His treatment history in just the last few months is really hard to follow. But I think he just wanted me to listen.

I overheard my mom talking to my sister who lives across the bay. You all know about her. We haven't spoken since April, save for a few texts about my dad's condition. And what does she ask my mom about the first chance she gets? "What does [Myles'] house look like?"




Mandy, I would lean towards not going myself. It sounds to me like you're not jazzed about seeing the people, and you look at it as mostly an obligation. Your sweet side is telling you that you can't miss it. But I think your loved ones would understand if it would be a giant energy drain for you at a time that you need to be resting up. To be honest, on several occasions when I had a family event like that, I just said "No thank you. I'm sorry I can't make this one" or even "Thanks. I'm going to give this time around a pass, but I hope to see you very soon." And have sort of mentally dared people to demand an explanation from me. No one ever has, although perhaps some feelings were bruised in the process. I know you'll give your time and generosity to your family in other ways when you have the opportunity and the genuine desire to. Missing out on the weekend doesn't mean you love them any less.

Ok. Last day at this job. I start the new on on Monday, and I am going to miss a lot of things. I have gotten a lot of indication that my current job is going to want me back in as early as two months. That's a choice I'll have to make then. I could go back to working from home, but the trade-off will be less money. Or maybe I could convince them to take me back for a little more dough (since they'd have to train someone else). I don't want to get ahead of myself. Nothing is set in stone. Just wish me luck for Monday (and let's hope the folks at the new job don't block APA. My iPhone already has virtually no signal while I'm there.)

Have a great weekend, girls!