I don't know if you all remember when Savana suddenly out of nowhere wouldn't do her dance class any longer. So we gave it up. A few weeks ago I got a postcard in the mail from them saying they were having registration and on that day you could try a class. She saw the postcard with a ballerina on it and wanted to know what it was so I told her and she said she wanted to do dance again. When we went to sign up it was at the wrong time for her to try but her old teacher was there so she said she had a free hour and she'd do a class with her. So nice. Savana loved it. The teacher explained to her that there would be a different teacher. Savana was adamant she wanted me to sign her up again so I did. Well, today she has her dance outfit on an hour before it's time to go. She's excited. Has not expressed any anxiety at all. We go and just as she walking into the room she turns around and starts to cry and tells me she can't do it. I had Kai and Sawyer with me. Kai was begging me to go to puzzles in the lounge and Kai was fussing and Savana was...losing it. She got that look on her face where I know that she won't go back. I gave her one of her stress mints and she seemed ok until I tried to coax her in the room. The owner and her old teacher were also trying different tactics. Finally one of the younger highschool volunteers took Kai to do puzzles and the owner asked me if she could take Sawyer for me. I sat on the floor with Savana and she just kept saying over and over, "I can't bring myself to walk in. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I can't help it." I was bawling. She was bawling. It was just awful. I gathered my boys and we left. Her old teacher and the owner caught me at the door and said to please keep bringing her back, not to give up. They have lots of ideas to get her in there. All the way home she cried about how she wanted to do dance so badly but couldn't bring herself to go be with her class. I cried all the way home too. I wish everything didn't have to be so difficult for her. I watch all those other little girls just skip on in there and have to wonder why Savana seems to carry the world on her shoulders.
We came home and I started making dinner and accidently poured a shatload of ground cloves into an indian dish i was preparing. ARGH. I got out what I could but it tasted like crap. The kids each ate a bowl of shredded coconut and a cold pancake with pb for dinner while dbf and I choked down the food because it was full of our fresh csa veggies we couldn't waste. Sawyer took tiny cat naps all day making it impossible for me to do much with the other children.
I will stop now. Here's to tomorrow.