Secular Confessions

[The10Eels]

I'm sorry. Can you try for it anyway? But like others posted, you are going to have a wonderful time this summer anyway.

I could re-apply to the company, specifically for the position, but Im at the point now where I don't want it. Had she done it before I was actually done it may have been a different story.

I think it pisses me off so much because I really wanted them to see how downhill this place will go without me, and now they can still attribute it to her because she is leaving too. (She was getting all the credit for us being #1 in the company... even though we were there before she started)

[girlwonder]

I'm sorry about your job and the way you are feeling today, Myles.

[girlwonder]

That's too bad about you old boss quitting, Ashley. But now you get to travel and spend more time with your babies!

[demigraf]

Thanks for your support ladies... seriously. It meant the world to me to be able to tiptoe out to the living room in the dark, turn on my laptop and just start tapping out my feelings.

Sometimes I get down on myself for spending too much time on APA. But it's become more and more clear to me that APA has provided me thousands of dollars in free therapy. Plus, I have made the kind of friendships with a multitude of women that you get excited about if you can find just one friend like that every few years.

Did that sentence make sense?

As for everything you described about your financial situation and how your dh is in dealing with this enormously stressful time, he sounds exactly like my dh. I can absolutely relate to the frustration, anger, and resentment of not only being the primary breadwinner, but also the one that 'carries' the family and navigates through all the turmoil. I've so badly wanted 'someone' to take care of me, or tell me what to do, so many times it's not even funny. My heart goes out to you. I know that feeling too well.

In your dh's defense, and I'm sure you already know this, but it can take a few years before a business really takes off. Not that I've ever started my own business, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt if you will, but my feeling is that if there's any way possible for him to continue plugging along at it then he should. Providing, of course, that y'all are making it. Albeit, very stressfully. I know it's uncertain and it's easier said than done. I'm 100% positive I'd be wishing my dh were going to do something with more certainty in income if I were in your shoes, so I don't mean to minimize your feelings at all.

DH and I owned a business. It was tough and just as it was starting to make a profit we decided it was too much. Josh was a baby and DH was also working full time at Comcast. I had to cover a lot of hours at the business because he did not have reliable employees (they were his friends, who turned out to not really be his friends, but that's another story) which I resented and I just felt it was hurtful to our relationship.

Owning a business is tough. Maybe if he's stuck in a mindset that may not be right for making the best profit, you can help him see another perspective.

Thank you guys for being able to relate.

You're totally right about the challenge of starting up a business. I just am having trouble believing in my DH. I know that sounds bad. Sometimes I think "a business" is not the appropriate term for what he's doing. It's more like freelancing without a business plan. I think even if his business were in full swing (which is unlikely given the state of the market and the niche he's in) there's a pretty low profit ceiling for a one-man operation. He bills about an average of 10 hours a week, and yet he's always down in his shop working and acting like he's got too much to do, seemingly ALL the time. So I definitely see some inefficiencies there; it doesn't matter how high his hourly rate is. If it works out that he's billing an hour for every 3 or 4 that he actually works, then his business will never get into full swing. It's not adding up. He's acting like he's working at maximum capacity now (including all the grumpiness of someone with too much to do), and yet billing like a man of leisure. I don't know what to do about it. And as I mentioned before, I still haven't quite gotten over the fact that I'd need to DO anything about it. Why isn't he figuring this out for himself? For us?

[daylilies]

I think what you said makes a lot of sense about the invaluable support we can get on APA. I consider you all my closest friends. You guys know more about me than anyone else does, I think, except DH. I feel largely left out of things in real life but here I feel like I can jump in and out of things and still feel involved.

[Bridget]

Myles, I can totally understand your way of thinking. I think if I had to work full time and be away from my kids while my partner dabbled in freelance it would make me frustrated as well.
As it is, for us, dbf is a pretty good provider. I just don't feel like he gives me enough credit for how hard I work. Not only in raising and teaching our own children full time but also 3-4 others. He only sees dollar signs and on paper I'm not making much money at all but what he seems to forget is that if I went out and got a job outside the home we would be paying at least 500 in childcare a week. So the way I see it, tack that on to my wages.
He works sporadically and makes good money when he does a remodel job, or buys something, fixes it up and sells it, or sets up an aquarium. So when we fall behind he swoops in with a job and pays our bills/credit cards. But I get frustrated when he doesn't currently have job at all and he suggests that I take on one more child which would put me at capacity this summer. I just feel like I have all I can handle with Sawyer being an infant and that taking on another child would just take away from the kids and families who already count on me. I'm stretched as thin as I can go right now. So when he says that I feel like telling him to go get a regular job but I made a promise long ago that I wouldn't ask him to do that if he would please just move us over here to be closer to my family. It's just that we never get ahead. We never have a cushion. We live week to week.
Sorry, i didn't mean to make this about me. Just want you to know that I understand the feeling of wanting to be taken care of. And my dad is an amazing dude who always took care of us and my mom so it's hard for me not to have high expectations in that area.

[missychrissy]

I also feel like this is where my best friends are, and you're right, it's probably saved me 100's in therapy.

Myles, do you think you could approach this worry with him? I'm just thinking out loud, and obviously you would know better than me, but what about telling him that you're worried what this job loss means for his dreams. Tell him frankly that if he can't drum up more business or charge more hours, it may mean he'll have to find a job as well. Let him know he's equally responsible for your financial health.

Bridget, as for your dbf I'd just lay it out on the line and say that you'll add an additional kid when he gets a Mon-Fri regular job.

[Gwenn]

Sometimes I get down on myself for spending too much time on APA. But it's become more and more clear to me that APA has provided me thousands of dollars in free therapy. Plus, I have made the kind of friendships with a multitude of women that you get excited about if you can find just one friend like that every few years.

Did that sentence make sense?

I feel the same way. You guys know more about me than anyone IRL in some ways.

I understand about your DH situation, too. With DH's unstable job situation recently I feel very much that the burden is all on my shoulders, and now that he's not getting his check from the guard it is becoming painfully obvious that I just can't do it all on my own. I need him to be earning something.

I think I posted that DH went through this long interview process with a local company and in the end they did not hire anyone. DH then was talking with someone he knows who has a local small business and wants to expand it in a new direction, and he wanted DH to do that work for them. It's two guys, the guy he was talking to and his partner. Because the new area doesn't exist yet, they can't offer DH a salary but offered commission. They also offered him a day rate for teaching classes for them.

So DH sat down with them, negotiated terms, and signed a contract that reflected what they all agreed to. He then came up with an outline for his first class, which is a class they have never taught before although they offer other classes. After emailing the outline, the partner called DH and said he didn't want him working on classes, he wanted him to stick entirely to the new business area and the partner would handle the classes - which was not what they agreed to in the meeting. That SAME EVENING, the partner called DH up and asked if he had more materials available as a resource for developing the class. Apparently he didn't know enough to develop the class on his own, while DH could teach it with his eyes closed.

I am so annoyed (as is DH) and I'm afraid DH is going to put time into this and not focus on finding a "real job", while in the meantime these two will potentially use him without him benefiting from the situation at all. And as I said, I can't support us on my salary unless we make big changes such as cutting out cable, cell phones, etc. Which if we had to do, I would do, for example I'd gladly sacrifice all that to be a stay at home mom ... but I am not okay with working hard and having to sacrifice all that so my husband can sit home and mess around with stuff like this and earn nothing. Does that make sense?

[demigraf]

Gwenn, what happened to your DH would drive me so batty! I hate taking direction from people who don't know what they're doing or know the best way to use my skills.

I'm obviously not glad to hear that others feel the same burden as me when it comes to feeling like the team is on your shoulders, but as usual, it feels nicer to have company, so thanks everyone for sharing.



Sometimes I feel so wrong for wanting someone to take care of me. Someone who could provide equally and share my worries would be a fine thing, though.

[demigraf]

I'm on a total roller coaster today, btw. My employer (the agency I consult through) called me and told me that the bank might try to keep me afterall for a project starting in Sept. Even if they don't keep me, the guy I spoke with gave me a timeline of late August for my departure. I don't know what to believe, and I don't want to get my hopes up.

Even my manager yesterday alluded to wanting me to take a work hiatus in July while there's little work for me. I could manage that if it means I get to stay on in this position a little longer.

One thing at a time I guess. I will still update my resume today. All bets are off if Virgin America comes knocking on my door. ;)

[daylilies]

None of my friends can go to the concert I can't decide if I want to go alone or skip it. I mean, they're playing Fenway Park. That's a pretty big deal. I even asked DH if he could go and he said he would but he can't get the day off. I'm going to ask him again when he gets home.
A few girls from H's group on the cruise are going but I never heard back from them if they know someone who wanted to go but isn't, or even if they wanted to meet up with me for a drink beforehand or something. Oh well.

[Gwenn]

I hope everything works out for you, Myles. Definitely update your resume but it would be great if they keep you on for the new project. In the meantime, staying until August gives you some time to make plans if you make a choice to go in a different direction.

I forgot to say earlier, but I love your new pics, especially the one of you and Bodhi on the beach!

[Gwenn]

That sucks, Kate. I'm sorry.

[daylilies]

Almost time to work the puppy dog eyes, LOL

Remember how I asked about getting Josh used to playing with water? Well, I took him to the Y that offers swimming lessons and I heard it has a neat pool that you can walk into at one end (rather than going down steps or a ladder) and it was great! There were lots of kids there and Josh went in right up to his chest. He had a pool noodle and he was trying to figure out how to float on it and he kept telling me not to hold him So I think he needs to be in a fun environment, not just hanging out by the kiddie pool with old mom. LOL

[missychrissy]

Someone who could provide equally and share my worries would be a fine thing, though.

Yes, it would.

Mandy, I would be irritated as all get out about what happened to their dh too. If I were him, I'd refuse to give any information for the classes. Or insist on being paid for consultation regarding the classes.

Kate, I hope your dh can manage to go. That's wonderful about Josh and the pool though!

We sold our camper tonight. On one hand I'm sad, even though we weren't going to have an opportunity to use it ourselves. On the other, I'm happy because I have a good start on our paint, primer, curtains, and maybe even carpet for a couple rooms!!

[The10Eels]

Kate, I really hope someone can go with you! No matter how much you love the band, it probably gets a little boring to go all by yourself! And YAY for josh and the pool!

[Bridget]

We are having some crazy ass storms right now! I am scared!

[daylilies]

Stay safe Bridget!
DH really can't go. I don't know what to do.

[missychrissy]

I wish I could go Kate. What a bummer.

[daylilies]

I'll probably go anyway. Eff it.

[Bridget]

I'm sorry, Kate. What a huge bummer. Do you think you will go? You might just meet some cool people.

I confess that I lost my patience with Savana tonite. She is just so incredibly argumentative sometimes and it's really difficult to deal with. I'm usually able to diffuse it pretty quickly but tonight Sawyer was really fussy all through dinner and it was very, very hot and muggy in our house. I had just gotten him to sleep when she started in about something and was being very loud. I kept asking her to speak quietly and she kept getting louder and sassier. Anyway, I snapped at her and she got really upset. I apologized and was laying with her in the bed and snuggling her and she told me she doesn't like it when I leave her alone in the room. That was part of the confict is that her and I and Sawyer sleep together and if he's not settling I have to walk the house with him or rock him in the living room and I needed her to lay down while I did that. Anyway, I asked her why she was suddenly scared to be alone in the bed when she never minded before and she said, "I don't know mama. I just hate getting older. I remember being littler and never being scared of anything and not being scared to be alone. But now I lay her and I see scary things and think about scary things. I never had any of these problems when I was younger." She was crying the whole time and it just broke my heart. I'm feeling like **** for snapping at her when I knew she was overtired and it's my fault she's overtired in the first place. It just feels like there aren't enough hours in the day. I get done with the daycare and try to hang out for a bit before getting dinner, then trying to get ready for bed...it's always later than it should be.
Anyway, I asked her if she thinks watching movies makes her have scary thoughts and she gave an adamant yes. So I think we are going to phase out our friday night movie night. I'm going to suggest game night instead. We'll do once a month movie night. There aren't enough wholesome kid movies to do them every night. Some kids are fine with any old movies but my kids are bothered by the darkness and "bad guys". And that's ok. It won't be easy to cut down on movie nights but in the long run I think it will be better. I'll have to make game night super fun.
I'm feeling so sad that she said she doesn't want to get older. It's like she such an old soul already. She's longing for her youth and she's only five.

[daylilies]

Aww, Savana. I think it's awesome she can express her feelings so well though.
What about Pippi Longstocking, or the Anne of Green Gables miniseries? I remember liking those as a kid (I was older than Savana though, and I don't know if Kai would like them at all)

I don't know if I can go at all now...Josh's school still hasn't deposited last month's check and I just gave them this month's check today. I wouldn't even care about not going if he hadn't mentioned it a couple days ago. I got my hopes up and now I'm just kind of bummed.

I'm not great at just meeting people...they have to give off a very friendly vibe for me to just talk to strangers. I talked to the couple next to me at the Boston Garden last week and they turned out to be from a town not too far from me.

[3andMe]

Mylah, I can't imagine how much fun it would be to work for Virgin America. I would have such a hard time not being immature about it, though. When asked "What do you do?" I would shrug coyly and say through lowered lashes, "I'm a Virgin" (pause) ... "America informatics director" (or whatever it is that you do). Hee hee hee. I'm sure everyone there does that from time to time, or gets it back enough that they get sick of it. On the other hand, it's great that you might get a little more bang from your old job, but could they just let you go and then re-hire you instead of putting you on hiatus, so at least you could apply for unemployment?

Bridget, I was trying to get Soren to sleep for such a long time after some horrible person rang my doorbell at 9:00 and caused him to go into hysterics (Soren, not the stranger), but I have to tell you that your anecdote about your dh nibbling on the plant and frothing at the mouth and garbling at Poison Control made me shake my bed when I checked APA one last time before going to sleep, I was laughing (silently) so hard. You really made my evening after an hour of dealing with a screaming baby! If childcare doesn't work out for you, I think you really should consider collecting some of your stories for future publication in some form or another. You have such a great way with words.

I'm sorry to hear that Savana is scared. Some of the moderately scary stuff in fairy tales or kids' movies is supposed to be a safe way for kids to deal with their real fears but in a more controlled environment. Do you think it's the scary stuff in the movies? From what she said at first, that she didn't like getting older, and that she was seeing scary stuff, I wouldn't have guessed it was from movies necessarily. At that point (of course, she's older and you know what she's been watching and what she might be scared of), if I were to ask my kids "Is it _____ that is making you scared?" they would say yes because it's a leading question and they think that's what I want to hear. But that is one of the reasons children don't make good witnesses.

Of course, game night sounds like a great plan, too, and also if she's overtired you could try setting a timer for yourself - even if it's a mental timer - and trying to get them a firm bedtime so she gets enough sleep. Do you think that would help?

I would ask her about the scary things. I know she's been getting better with the compulsive behavior, but if she is feeling like things are out of control in her world, maybe what is scary is not out there but inside? Maybe that's why she wishes she were younger, when she didn't feel like that?

It is just a thought. I hate it when I feel all tempestuous and out-of-sorts too, and when I was younger I had much less ability to deal with it. I think that's how I relate to my Claire so well - I feel like I am guiding her through how to control her emotional impulses, whereas I never had the impulse to go through a room and randomly poke people the way Ro does so I don't relate to him the same way.

Sweet dreams tonight, everyone.

[Bridget]

Thank you, Lydia. I'm up nursing Sawyer and you have some great advice here.

I would ask her about the scary things. I know she's been getting better with the compulsive behavior, but if she is feeling like things are out of control in her world, maybe what is scary is not out there but inside? Maybe that's why she wishes she were younger, when she didn't feel like that?

This makes perfect sense. I will try to talk to her more about it today. I had planned to try and discuss things with her when she was less emotional, less tired.
The timer is a good idea. It's just a matter of getting dinner in them before bedtime. It always takes so long to prepare with Sawyer in one hand and a mixing spoon in the other. Dbf should be helping more but he is obviously going to inconsisent at best so I might have to try and do more meal planning, preparing and freezing on the weekend.

[Gwenn]

Bridget, I think what Lydia has to say about Savanna makes a lot of sense. I would give that a try.

Kate, I'm sorry you can't find someone to go with you. It's too bad particularly if the Fenway concert is going to be a big deal. I think Boston is their hometown? Not sure why I know that. I saw Stevie Nicks in Phoenix, which is her hometown, and it was really special. She sang a few songs she says she never sings at concerts and her mother was in the audience. It really seemed like a special night.

[missychrissy]

Aww, Savana. I think it's awesome she can express her feelings so well though.

I agree. She's amazing.

I know you feel bad Bridget, but don't be too hard on yourself. You're human and were overtired. I'm sure in the grand scheme of things she isn't going to remember the snap. Maybe when she's 14 and you experience something like that...those get to be the stories the kids share with company at Christmastime.

Kate, I'm so sorry about not finding a concert buddy.

Pat Benatar is going to be in a neighboring town July 1st. I'd love to go, but we need to soak all our extra $ in that house right now and if I'm asking my kids to make sacrifices (no family trip this summer) then we need to as well.

[daylilies]

Yeah, they're from Boston. I think it's going to be special. We can't afford the ticket I wanted, because now we need expedited shipping. DH is looking at cheaper ones now. There's one going for $40 now on ebay but if other people bid it could go up quite a bit.

[missychrissy]

If you're certain you want to go, I'd bid the most I was comfortable paying and hope for the best.

[daylilies]

Yeah...at first I wanted floor seats but now I just want to be there! Floor seats aren't great anyway when you're only 5 feet tall. (unless you're wayyy up front like the VIP tix but those are hundreds of dollars)

[Cosmosmom]

We are having some crazy ass storms right now! I am scared!

I was wondering if they were getting you too. All my family is Milwaukee/Kenosha area and I spent a lot of last night just watching the radar and calling them as they were in the basement. That was a LOT of red on the screen.