Secular Confessions

[Bridget]

Did you later tell him why the egg was so special to her? I think he should feel like a heel.

I didn't get a chance to since he went to bed so early. But I will.

[missychrissy]

In the past Rich has said things that I told him made it all worse and that if he couldn't be helpful he needed to keep his mouth shut.

When the girls were really little, he used to pull that "I'll give you something to cry about" crap. omg would that ever light me on fire! DUH! They do have something to cry about, that's why they're crying!! He hasn't said that in years and years, but I still get mad just thinking about it.

I never handled it tactfully...it would turn into an argument because I'd freak out on him.

[Bridget]

In the past Rich has said things that I told him made it all worse and that if he couldn't be helpful he needed to keep his mouth shut.

When the girls were really little, he used to pull that "I'll give you something to cry about" crap. omg would that ever light me on fire! DUH! They do have something to cry about, that's why they're crying!! He hasn't said that in years and years, but I still get mad just thinking about it.

I never handled it tactfully...it would turn into an argument because I'd freak out on him.

Oh hells no!!! I have been tring so hard not to freak out on him. It is not easy.

[missychrissy]

I'm sure it's not, but you're doing things the right way. He'll feel bad when you talk to him...hopefully it will start sinking in. Change is slow but it does sound like he's made efforts.

[daylilies]

DH says that too, "I'll give you something to cry about" and not only is it an empty threat because he never hits Josh, but it's just so hurtful. It's not just with Josh that he does that though. He thinks anyone being openly emotional is faking it or too sensitive and he just brushes it off. I'm sure it comes from how he was raised.

[girlwonder]

I am sorry. Poor Savana - to feel so sad to lose something and then to be judged as bad for feeling sad. Ugh. That breaks my heart. I hope she never feels like her feelings are not valid.

[missychrissy]

DH says that too, "I'll give you something to cry about" and not only is it an empty threat because he never hits Josh, but it's just so hurtful. It's not just with Josh that he does that though. He thinks anyone being openly emotional is faking it or too sensitive and he just brushes it off. I'm sure it comes from how he was raised.

I'm sure that's where Rich got it from too...how he was raised.

I don't know how in this day and age people fail to realize how detrimental repressed emotions are. If I give my kids nothing else, I hope they are always free to feel what they feel.

[Cosmosmom]

TBH, I guess that I am in the rude category. I just don't think that it would occur to me to help a person with kids at the airport. In my experience, the few times I tried to offer help, it was not well received. So now I mostly just only offer to help if I am at work as that is part of my job and people don't look at you strange if you are asking them if they need any help and you have an employee name tag on. Otherwise I just mind my own business when not at work.
Plus for a couple of years I have basically tried to mostly avoid babies and little kids as best as I could....and when I couldn't avoid, I would try to ignore. Only been the past two months or so when I can look at babies and smile at them or their parents (except at work where I would fake it because well it was work).

I'm sorry for those of you having sister issues. I'm so lucky there in that mine is my best friend other than DH. Thank god they get along really well because she has even come on vacation with us a couple of times. When we do have our baby, she is going to be the godmother as well being named legal guardian for our baby, our dog or dogs at the time and any money will go to her for the baby....we will definitely do a will for that. She is so excited for us to have a baby....and even said she would have one for us if we wanted. Even growing up we didn't fight all that much...just minor stuff like when I was 16 and really cool and she was 11 and really not cool (or so I thought LOL). I would do anything for her.
In a way I'm a bit sad because DH doesn't have that and I am pretty sure that our child will be an only child. I do not see us going through adopting twice due to the money.....and of course nothing says siblings will get along or even like each other. Only way we will have two kids will be if we somehow got pg after the adoption but I'm not going to hold my breath on that one.

[AmeriBrit]

TBH, I guess that I am in the rude category. I just don't think that it would occur to me to help a person with kids at the airport.

I think it's understandable knowing your background, but if you saw a person obviously struggling, you wouldn't feel an urge to help them?

There are too many people who pretend to just not notice other people when they're in need and that just makes me sad. When I first started working at my current workplace, one of the things you have to do when working at the office is to spend a day in a store with the colleagues and help bag groceries, shadow a shelf stocker, that sort of thing. There was a woman that bought a cart full of groceries and then was struggling to carry 2 big boxes of diapers out to her car, so I asked her if she wanted me to help her carry them out. She was so appreciative. Everyone else just stood there. I hate that.

[Cosmosmom]

I think it's understandable knowing your background, but if you saw a person obviously struggling, you wouldn't feel an urge to help them? There are too many people who pretend to just not notice other people when they're in need and that just makes me sad. When I first started working at my current workplace, one of the things you have to do when working at the office is to spend a day in a store with the colleagues and help bag groceries, shadow a shelf stocker, that sort of thing. There was a woman that bought a cart full of groceries and then was struggling to carry 2 big boxes of diapers out to her car, so I asked her if she wanted me to help her carry them out. She was so appreciative. Everyone else just stood there. I hate that.

Honestly it just depends. I have flown once in the past 13 years and I was busy talking with DH and reading and didn't really see anyone with kids or struggling.
If it was something like maybe opening a door, yeah that I tend to do. Something more involved, probably not. I wouldn't want some stranger helping me with a child involved and so there is a good chance that I wouldn't even think to offer. And people tend to get very snippity when you insinuate that they are not handling their kid or dealing with it well. So that I probably would just ignore under most circumstances unless the parent seemed super friendly. And to top things off, I am on the more shy side in person so I don't generally go up and strike conversations with strangers. And for a number of years, I will cop to being jealous and bitter....I figured your kid, your problem....and wished that I was in their shoes instead.

At work though, totally different story. I'm all about customer service. I force myself to smile, say hi, say can I help you find anything if they look lost (we just opened a new building so things are VERY different).

[Cosmosmom]

Oh and Kate, DH and I are watching Game of Thrones and liking it quite a bit. Though I think that he wishes that I would have waited a few more weeks to start it because now he has to wait a week for the next one like everyone else.

[missychrissy]

If it was something like maybe opening a door, yeah that I tend to do. Something more involved, probably not. I wouldn't want some stranger helping me with a child involved and so there is a good chance that I wouldn't even think to offer. And people tend to get very snippity when you insinuate that they are not handling their kid or dealing with it well. So that I probably would just ignore under most circumstances unless the parent seemed super friendly. And to top things off, I am on the more shy side in person so I don't generally go up and strike conversations with strangers. And for a number of years, I will cop to being jealous and bitter....I figured your kid, your problem....and wished that I was in their shoes instead.

Awww One day, it will you be with your kid. I hope very, very soon.

As for some parents getting snippy-that's true. Some do. Even being a mom, I had a woman lash out at me because I left the line I was in to open and hold the door she was struggling to get a stroller through. I just said, "Sorry" and got back in line. I figured she had more issues than just fitting a wide stroller through a manual door.

When Conner was freaking out on the plane, one older lady came up to us and offered to hold him. She stood rocking him back and forth for the longest time. I had tried, but he just kicked and shoved at me and carried on even louder. Anyway, when she had him all soothed and returned to me, she said she had a little boy once but lost him to cancer. She said, "Enjoy him as much as you can, even in the difficult moments." I sat there fighting back tears after...not because of the stress or my failure to comfort my own son, but because I at least had my son to give me fits. I try to remember that when he's really testing my limits.

[Bridget]

God, Chrissy. That is a beautiful story. I'm wiping a tear.
I would not expect someone to help me with the kids so much as the rest of my load. It was never that my kids weren't behaving. One time I asked the flight attendant on duty how I could get to the shuttle with Kai in the ergo, Savana asleep in the stroller, a diaper bag, my nursing pillow, and Savana's little carry on and she pointed to the steps. I asked if there was an elevator and she said they close it down after a certain time of night. There were several people standing around some that actually worked there and they were just looking at me! I started to turn Savana's stroller to pull it backward down the steps, then stopped and decided to run everything else down first while leaving her up. When I sprinted down and dropped everything and sprinted back up, one of the luggage loader guys saw me from outside and came rushing in to help me get Savana and the stroller down the steps. The rest of those people could seriously kiss my arse. What if I had been in a wheelchair? Would there still have been no elevator?
Thank goodness that life balances out generally because there have been countless times that strangers have helped me at different times in my life.

[missychrissy]

That would have aggravated me. I'm sure it's against the law for them to not have handicap accessibility. It's just a matter of time before someone with a wheelchair will come at the 'wrong' time.

I'm always offering to help people-like getting things from high shelves in the store, or the really heavy, 50 lb bags of dog food. If they look like they're having a hard time, I'll say, "Can I help you with that?" I just think it's common courtesy, and it has never made me late for anything, ever!

[3andMe]

And this is why I never traveled alone with the twins. Dh kept asking me to meet him places when he traveled for work, and when I talked to airlines and they told me they couldn't do a thing to help me and that if I needed to change one baby and the other one was sleeping, I'd have to take both to the tiny airplane bathroom with me (no changing in the seats), I said forget it. And I soon found out when traveling with dh that a lot of planes don't even have changing tables. Can you imagine trying to balance yourself and two babies in a tiny bathroom, while changing a poopy diaper? Very difficult.

[Bridget]

I changed mine right in the seat.
For SHAME!!
But me trying to use the bathroom was a trip, let me tell you.

[demigraf]

Oh, what a touching story, chrissy. *teary-eyed*

bridget, my DH totally misinterprets the terms and phrases I use and tries to throw them back at me too. It is so **** frustrating, I know! Your poor little Savana. She has such a delicate heart. It's so sad that Mark considered her crying a "poor choice". You don't choose your emotions, you choose how to react to them. And she reacted so beautifully. I think Mark is like a lot of guys out there, actually, who are very uncomfortable with showing emotion because they think it makes them weak.

My ex is a sort of dating "expert". It's how he makes his living anyway (and that includes using episodes from our relationship as chapters in his books where I'm the cautionary tale). As much as I disagree with his interpretation of our relationship, he still makes some great points (and I am grateful at least he doesn't mention me by name). One of his essays has to do with the tradeoff between masculine traits and feminine sensitivity in a guy - how it's very rare to find them both in a man. From what I've observed that's unfortunately pretty true. The more "strong and take-charge" a guy is - two arguably desirable traits, the less nuanced he is when it comes to emotions. Anyway, I guess the takeaway is that it's apparently unrealistic to expect both in your male mate. Is your man a bit of an "alpha" type, bridget?

I can only imagine men make a tradeoff along similar lines with women. I know I lean towards more logical thinking, and DH doesn't get a lot of feminine vulnerability from me as a consequence. Sometimes I think he wishes I were more of a sensitive, nostalgic chick.

[Cosmosmom]

God, Chrissy. That is a beautiful story. I'm wiping a tear.
I would not expect someone to help me with the kids so much as the rest of my load. It was never that my kids weren't behaving. One time I asked the flight attendant on duty how I could get to the shuttle with Kai in the ergo, Savana asleep in the stroller, a diaper bag, my nursing pillow, and Savana's little carry on and she pointed to the steps. I asked if there was an elevator and she said they close it down after a certain time of night. There were several people standing around some that actually worked there and they were just looking at me! I started to turn Savana's stroller to pull it backward down the steps, then stopped and decided to run everything else down first while leaving her up. When I sprinted down and dropped everything and sprinted back up, one of the luggage loader guys saw me from outside and came rushing in to help me get Savana and the stroller down the steps. The rest of those people could seriously kiss my arse. What if I had been in a wheelchair? Would there still have been no elevator?
Thank goodness that life balances out generally because there have been countless times that strangers have helped me at different times in my life.

Now THAT I would have helped with. that is asinine to have no elevator.

[The10Eels]

I confess we got a diagnosis as to my aunts myserious illness today. ( a week after she passed).

It was Guillain-Barre Syndrom, and the kicker -- totally treatable if caught in time.

It has the same symptoms as her MS, so they had no clue.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guillai...C3%A9_syndrome

[demigraf]

Ash, I'm so sorry! Did they find this out during an autopsy?

[The10Eels]

they did a postmortem spinal fluid analysis

[AmeriBrit]

Oh, gosh, Ashley, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's just seems so cruel. How are you and the rest of your family doing?

[Bridget]

Oh Ash! How devastating! I'm so sorry.

Myles, what you say makes a lot of sense. Dbf couldn't be more alpha. And it is his manly manliness that attracted me to him in the first place. Added to the fact that he overcompensates for being very insecure. I think he wishes I was a starry eyed sensitive chick as well.

I cannot believe your ex references you in the book! That would make me crazy!

[Cosmosmom]

My ex is a sort of dating "expert". It's how he makes his living anyway (and that includes using episodes from our relationship as chapters in his books where I'm the cautionary tale). As much as I disagree with his interpretation of our relationship, he still makes some great points (and I am grateful at least he doesn't mention me by name). One of his essays has to do with the tradeoff between masculine traits and feminine sensitivity in a guy - how it's very rare to find them both in a man. From what I've observed that's unfortunately pretty true. The more "strong and take-charge" a guy is - two arguably desirable traits, the less nuanced he is when it comes to emotions. Anyway, I guess the takeaway is that it's apparently unrealistic to expect both in your male mate. Is your man a bit of an "alpha" type, bridget?
.

I would agree with that (though how interesting that an ex uses you as examples ). But yeah I would generally put my DH into the more sensitive group, which is really great. We talk about feelings a lot and he will let me know if his are hurt and says I love you all the time and will even cry when there is a good enough reason (doesn't cry as easily as say me). he is so sweet and cute....he was emotionally spent after watching a girly movie like Time Traveler's Wife (though he likes more guy movies too!) but is he NOT what I would call strong or take charge at all. I called him first, I asked to be bf/gf first, I started the first kiss, I push for things that involve change or spending money. I would say that I am probably the boss of the relationship and the stronger of the two (not physically of course). he is the boss of the money...but really because I let him.
I wouldn't mind some more take charge in him....BUT I love the sensitive side and wouldn't want to give that up.

[demigraf]

they did a postmortem spinal fluid analysis

Just wow. What is wrong with our health care system today that they didn't do this before she passed away?

[demigraf]

And now for the clumsy transition to a completely separate (and entirely goofy) topic, I've been meaning to share this with all the BSG fans we have in the room for awhile now:



We have house Cylon!! He lives on top of our chimney and swivels around in the wind, making this totally cool sci-fi sound effect.

In fact, practically every house in my town has a Cylon on the roof. I finally got around to snapping a photo and posting it online. I'm gonna love him, and pet him and call him Eli.



And while we're on the subject, I might as well share that DH and I have a little song we've sung ever since Season 1 of BSG. It goes like this:

(*** sung in a robot voice and with clapping ***)

I am a Cylon
I like to party
Oooh-oooh

I am a Cylon
I rock my body
Ooooh-oooh

I made it up, but DH gets all funky to it when he dances along.

On the spectrum of "Sensitive & emotionally intelligent" ----> to ----> "strong and take charge", I wonder where "dances enthusiastically to wife's songs about humanoids" falls? LOL.

[Bridget]

Ash,
How is your mom?

[AmeriBrit]

Myles, you crack me up, woman! I kind of cheated on the BSG thing and read all the episode synopsi on the SyFy website because I was impatient to know what happened....but I'm still watching the real show, of course.

[Cosmosmom]

Oh Ash, how awful. I'm so sorry that they didn't realize it was guillian-barre in time. I know that it's very rare with only 1-2 in 100,000 so many docs might not ever see it in practice....but I am kind of surprised that they never did a spinal tap.

[missychrissy]

My ex is a sort of dating "expert". It's how he makes his living anyway (and that includes using episodes from our relationship as chapters in his books where I'm the cautionary tale).

I don't know whether to laugh at this or be annoyed at him. I suppose I'm a little of both, and now very curious about his take of you.

I confess we got a diagnosis as to my aunts myserious illness today. ( a week after she passed).

It was Guillain-Barre Syndrom, and the kicker -- totally treatable if caught in time.

It has the same symptoms as her MS, so they had no clue.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guillai...C3%A9_syndrome

Oh Ash, no!

Just wow. What is wrong with our health care system today that they didn't do this before she passed away?

And this. It makes me so angry.