Secular Confessions

[Gwenn]

Bridget, that's great news!

[3andMe]

I'm glad you're feeling a little better about Savana, Bridget.

It's interesting, trying to characterize this difference between normal childhood obsessions/compulsions and diagnosable OCD. Because a lot of people joke about being "Oh, I am so OCD" about such and such, when it's probably pretty infuriating to people who actually have debilitating symptoms. On the other hand, I went through a year in college, living by myself (and I've lived by myself plenty of other times when this didn't happen, so don't ask my why this year was unique) when I became a major checker. I would get into bed and then get out of bed a dozen times or more every night, making the rounds of my tiny studio apartment, making sure the one door was locked, making sure the stove was off, getting back into bed. I'd settle down, then think that maybe I just went through the motions the last time and I didn't actually look at the lock, or maybe I accidentally hit it with my hand and unlocked it, so I'd get up and re-check. Like I said, I'd do that dozens of times. I could see the door and my stove from my bed! I lost sleep over this, so it was definitely affecting my life.

After that year, I didn't do anything super-different, but it went away as suddenly as it started. I still have a tendency to have an intrusive thought occasionally about the stove being on while I'm in bed, but it happens maybe only once every month or two - not dozens of times a night - and I am usually satisfied after reviewing in my mind the memory of cleaning the kitchen and remembering the stove being cool. I'm not sure what happened to improve my checking behaviors. That year was very stressful, so maybe just moving away from that college, being back among my friends and my social support helped, and making a conscious effort to change.

Bah. I've been trying to write this post for 45 minutes, and I keep getting called away and I can't finish it, so consider it not precise.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it may not always be an all-or-nothing thing, either. OCD may be a yes or no diagnosis, but some people find it to take over their lives, while other people manage very well with it. Like a lot of other things, it seems to be a spectrum, and even though I never saw anyone for it, I think I could have been diagnosed with it at the time I was exhibiting all of my symptoms.

[AbbeysMom]

I'm sorry Chrissy I hope it's just seasonal too.
I just got the e mail that Buddhism for Mothers is ready-I'll get it tomorrow--

Hey that's a great book! Myles recommended it when Abbey was very wee, and I was so upset when I couldn't find it after the move. And yeah, not very zen of me to get up set about a lost book on Buddhism, when I could just order another one.

That's cute!!

Today is warmer out. I do feel better when I'm outside. It's probably just a combination of too long of a winter, stress with my older kids, and the time change.

As much as I generally loathe Texas on principal, the short winters and warm weather has made a huge change in my life. Being outside while Abbey plays is a big rejuvenator.

Chrissy, I hope you can get some rest and renew your energy.
Ash, how were the girls when they saw their dad? How was that for you?

So, I've been given some great advice about my concerns regarding Savana's behaviors. (Thank you, AbbeysMom) My whole approach has changed just over the past 2 days and I am already seeing small changes. It's not so much in the behaviors themselves, although some good things happening there. More so in her general demeanor. It's as though I opened her up again. She's not walking around with a scowl. I really think she was desperate for me to help her. One of the things suggested was to ask her to wait five minutes before washing her hands. She still does it, but she does wait. Then tonight at bedtime she said, "You know what I don't like about myself? That I always wash my hands. I don't actually even like washing my hands but I still always do it." Then after a moment she said, "Right now I want to go wash my hands because I touched my eye and i had an eye booger."
I said, "nah, just stay here so I can tickle your back." She can't resist that.
I heard her whisper a few times that she really wanted to wash her hands. But she didn't go. And now she's sleeping. Small victory.

All this time I just let her do whatever because i thought drawing attention to it wouuld make it worse. Now I feel like she so badly wants someone to help her stop.

So happy to hear this! I'm been thinking about her and hoping she's having a better time of it lately, but I know she has an awesome advocate in you and will really be just fine.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better about Savana, Bridget.

It's interesting, trying to characterize this difference between normal childhood obsessions/compulsions and diagnosable OCD. Because a lot of people joke about being "Oh, I am so OCD" about such and such, when it's probably pretty infuriating to people who actually have debilitating symptoms. On the other hand, I went through a year in college, living by myself (and I've lived by myself plenty of other times when this didn't happen, so don't ask my why this year was unique) when I became a major checker. I would get into bed and then get out of bed a dozen times or more every night, making the rounds of my tiny studio apartment, making sure the one door was locked, making sure the stove was off, getting back into bed. I'd settle down, then think that maybe I just went through the motions the last time and I didn't actually look at the lock, or maybe I accidentally hit it with my hand and unlocked it, so I'd get up and re-check. Like I said, I'd do that dozens of times. I could see the door and my stove from my bed! I lost sleep over this, so it was definitely affecting my life.

After that year, I didn't do anything super-different, but it went away as suddenly as it started. I still have a tendency to have an intrusive thought occasionally about the stove being on while I'm in bed, but it happens maybe only once every month or two - not dozens of times a night - and I am usually satisfied after reviewing in my mind the memory of cleaning the kitchen and remembering the stove being cool. I'm not sure what happened to improve my checking behaviors. That year was very stressful, so maybe just moving away from that college, being back among my friends and my social support helped, and making a conscious effort to change.

Bah. I've been trying to write this post for 45 minutes, and I keep getting called away and I can't finish it, so consider it not precise.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it may not always be an all-or-nothing thing, either. OCD may be a yes or no diagnosis, but some people find it to take over their lives, while other people manage very well with it. Like a lot of other things, it seems to be a spectrum, and even though I never saw anyone for it, I think I could have been diagnosed with it at the time I was exhibiting all of my symptoms.

I agree with this... I can pinpoint almost exactly the two events that made 'manageable' OCD turn into something quite a bit more debilitating. Both were related to illness/death, which I know is common, but any big change that causes major anxiety could be a trigger. meanwhile I know family members who manage with symptoms but never to the point where they've tried therapy. That said I do think they could benefit from therapy, because why live with symptoms, manageable or not... KWIM?

[missychrissy]

Bridget that's wonderful news! Abbey'sMom for having the knowledge and sharing it. I hope things continue in a positive direction.

I finally got a decent nights rest. I feel like a brand new person today. It helps that it's warm out! Today is Dragon Day at Cornell, but it's supposed to rain.

[Bridget]

Glad you got a good night's rest Chrissy. It really does make all the difference in the world doesn't it?
I'm not sleeping much at all but such is life with a newborn. It amazes me how little sleep a new mother can survive on.
I don't know if you guys saw my post in nm but lately in my daycare all the little girl's do is play with the dolls, breastfeed them and try to tie them onto themselves. One little girl takes my breastfeeding pillow every time I'm not using it and climbs up on the loft and breastfeeds her doll. I've just been going with it and filling the sensory table with warm soapy water so they can bathe them. It's been the same thing every day this week. I love it.

[daylilies]

What's dragon day, Chrissy?

[missychrissy]

That's too sweet Bridget! I wonder how many will grow and breastfeed their own children because of your example? It really gives me the warm fuzzies to think how lucky those children are that are in your care.

Kate, I don't know the specifics but it's a tradition at Cornell. The Architecture school builds a dragon and taunt the engineering school with it and in the end they burn it. http://aap.cornell.edu/arch/programs/dragon.cfm They actually make pretty spectacular dragons. They don't really light them on fire any more though, due to environmental concerns...or if they do, they're made of 'safe' burnable material without any toxins in it.

[missychrissy]

I wanted to bring Conner to see the dragon, but it's supposed to rain. And I don't really have any vacation time to use. Maybe next year. I should hear the kids yelling and hollering once they get going. If I'm not busy, I'll try to run out and take pics.

[daylilies]

Wow, it looks neat!
Bridget I thought about your baby wearing, breastfeeding kids at your day care this morning. Josh was carrying around his baby doll (which he hasn't picked up in a while-maybe the baby making talk yesterday prompted it) and DH was kind of commenting negatively on it and I said "Maybe he'll learn early how to be a good daddy" and DH said "I don't know if carrying around a baby doll affects your parenting later." And I'm like uhh, I'm pretty sure it does!

[missychrissy]

Boo on him! Conner will occasionally play with a doll as well. Rich started to say something about it a long time ago, but I nipped that in the bud. At least he does agree with me that it might help Conner eventually become a good Daddy.

My brother had 2 'babies' and I don't know of a manlier man, if that's what the guys are afraid of.

[Bridget]

Wow, it looks neat!
Bridget I thought about your baby wearing, breastfeeding kids at your day care this morning. Josh was carrying around his baby doll (which he hasn't picked up in a while-maybe the baby making talk yesterday prompted it) and DH was kind of commenting negatively on it and I said "Maybe he'll learn early how to be a good daddy" and DH said "I don't know if carrying around a baby doll affects your parenting later." And I'm like uhh, I'm pretty sure it does!

Pretty sure it does too! I remember one time Kai was pretending to change a dolls diaper and was even wiping it's butt and everything and dbf was like, "That is so wrong." Doooood. That is so RIGHT.
When I told him about the kids breastfeeding he said if Kai does it I need to tell him that boys don't do that. I just laughed. I said if we're letting him play guns, we're letting him breastfeed. Not that he has, but good grief. I'm going to forbid him from pretending?

[Bridget]

I wish they made boy dolls. I'm sure you can get them somewhere but you certainly don't see them at Walmart which is just bogus in my opinion.
I got a boy and girl doll off craigslist that are anatomically correct. They're big too and creepily life like.

[Cosmosmom]

DH had some stuffed toys when he was little. Actually his favorites we still have in a box...Duddley and Rye (because the dog looked like a piece of Rye bread LOL). When he got his stepdad at age 9, he wouldn't let DH sleep with them anymore because it wasn't manly and he was a boy. And this was among the nicer of the mean things he did.
I hate that man with a passion and am glad that he is dead....just wish he would have died sooner.


Who knows if seeing nursing will affect those girls or not. I saw my mom nursing my sister...I was five and I guess my friend and I used to play nursing our babies too. But as an adult, I don't really have much interest in it. Before when I assumed I would give birth, I figured I might give it a try, at least while on leave the first few weeks. But I have zero interest in trying to pump at work (which my BFF who is very into nursing is trying to do...her daughter is probably about 3 weeks older than Sawyer). Of course now that we are adopting, not something I have to decide. No way do I want to deal with the stress of taking drugs and trying to force my body into producing milk while getting to know our new baby. And I want to make sure that DH gets equal bonding time. I do however strongly believe that if a baby is bottle fed, they need to be always held just like a bf baby is.

[Cosmosmom]

American Girl has boy baby dolls. And when I was little, my grandma got us twin baby dolls....with the correct parts and were baby sized. In fact my mom gave us some clothes for them from the ones we wore that she had saved (well the boy got the gender neutral sleepers since mom had two girls). We named the twins Michael and Michelle. LOL

[3andMe]

I have twin dolls, one boy and one girl, but they are not anatomically correct. They just came as a set wearing pink and blue clothes and looking kind of generic.

[daylilies]

I had to buy a baby girl doll and get a couple blue newborn outfits which are huge on it. He wanted one whose eyes would close so that made the task that much harder.

[The10Eels]

Ash, how were the girls when they saw their dad? How was that for you?

I was really nervous. It had been over a year since we'd seen him. He looked like sh!t, which made me feel a little better, but he had asked if he and his dad could take the girls for a while without me, which sent my mommy alarm SCREAMING.

To be nice, I told him that we would have to see how the girls did swimming, and then go from there.. and If he thought he could handle both of them by himself... (which I knew he couldn't..)

The girls acted like he was a stranger, which he practically is. He picked Audri up right away, and she was struggling to get down. He made her say please before he would put her down. This morning she was just chattering away and said "I told my daddy please" When we asked her what she was talking about she clarified "I told my daddy put me down please"

Charlie wouldn't even give him a chance, and he only got to hold her while she was sleeping. or screaming.

and to be honest it made me feel good.

[missychrissy]

I wish they made boy dolls. I'm sure you can get them somewhere but you certainly don't see them at Walmart which is just bogus in my opinion.
I got a boy and girl doll off craigslist that are anatomically correct. They're big too and creepily life like.

We have a newborn boy doll that's anatomically correct. That's the one Conner plays with. Actually, it was my doll when I was a kid!

I have twin dolls, one boy and one girl, but they are not anatomically correct. They just came as a set wearing pink and blue clothes and looking kind of generic.

Sydney had a set of them. She named them Seymour and Michaela. I'd like to get another set for Conner.

I had to buy a baby girl doll and get a couple blue newborn outfits which are huge on it. He wanted one whose eyes would close so that made the task that much harder.

Yeah, that would be difficult to find. I can't remember if Conner's doll has eyes that open or not. I almost think they do, but like I said it was my doll and I remember ordering it from a catalog. I wouldn't have a clue where to get one now.

I was really nervous. It had been over a year since we'd seen him. He looked like sh!t, which made me feel a little better, but he had asked if he and his dad could take the girls for a while without me, which sent my mommy alarm SCREAMING.

To be nice, I told him that we would have to see how the girls did swimming, and then go from there.. and If he thought he could handle both of them by himself... (which I knew he couldn't..)

The girls acted like he was a stranger, which he practically is. He picked Audri up right away, and she was struggling to get down. He made her say please before he would put her down. This morning she was just chattering away and said "I told my daddy please" When we asked her what she was talking about she clarified "I told my daddy put me down please"

Charlie wouldn't even give him a chance, and he only got to hold her while she was sleeping. or screaming.

and to be honest it made me feel good.

I would have made me feel good too.

[Cosmosmom]

Ash...I would have been happy with the girls reaction to B too!


I confess....I am retaining water like I'm a camel. I sometimes do this but this time it's worse than it's been in a while. I know nothing major is wrong, I have just had blood pressure checked, urine checked, blood checked....pretty much everything for the adoption papers. I haven't missed my thyroid meds (which often will lead to water retention).
I am on CD 20 so I do expect AF in the next probably 5-6 days. And my bbs are killing me and I cannot wait to go home and get out of a bra (I swear they go from DD to DDD's).

I stopped drinking pop yesterday afternoon after I realized that I was basically replacing water with diet mt dew. I don't think that I get a ton of extra salt...I rarely add it to anything except baking or sometimes season salt on chicken/pork which we haven't had recently.

I'm glad I don't wear dresses because my ankles...especially the right one (I think that I hurt the muscle in the lower back part of the leg early in the week...I'm so klutz and stepped down some stairs wrong).

Seriously thinking of stopping at walgreens after work and picking up an OTC diuretic......

[missychrissy]

Drinking water should help. Has it suddenly gotten warmer there? I know I tend to retain water when the weather first changes.

[Bean]

Both Lorelai and Griffin started nursing their baby dolls after seeing me nurse Bodhan. DH said something along the lines of "that's so wrong" while he laughed but knew better than to stop them. I thought it was adorable. Griffin will come over and squeeze my boobs and say "yup, milk in dere for Bodhi!"

[Cosmosmom]

Drinking water should help. Has it suddenly gotten warmer there? I know I tend to retain water when the weather first changes.

Warm for us I guess. Mid 40's to very low 50's. We can actually see grass now under the snow.

[missychrissy]

That's so cute Cass!

It was 40's today here too...maybe 50? But I'm not sure. Anyway, I drove with my top down for the first time this year! Hold on to your mohawk Jesi, we're going topless!!!

[Bridget]

I miss my drop top! I had a pontiac sunbird and I ROCKED that car!
Gahhh...that feels like a million years ago.

[Gwenn]

Ash, good to see you and I'm proud of the girls for reacting to B that way!

Chrissy, I want dragon day here!

It was in the 90's yesterday. We've had to run the AC at work but I haven't turned it on yet at home. It's 78 indoors at night and I won't turn it on until it's over 80.

[Cosmosmom]

It was in the 90's yesterday. We've had to run the AC at work but I haven't turned it on yet at home. It's 78 indoors at night and I won't turn it on until it's over 80.

My heat just kicked on. Still have snow on the ground too. And I basically run the air all summer, I can't stand to hot and like to keep it at 71 or 72 inside during the summer (winter is 67).
I don't even currently own a pair of shorts. Oh wait I think I might have one pair but would only wear them in the yard, not in public. But mostly wear long pants in the summer for work and capri's for shopping or at home.

[Gwenn]

I actually don't wear a lot of shorts, either. Skin cancer rates are really high here as we get a lot of direct light so I don't like to tan - which means I'm pasty white most of the time so I cover up with long pants or capris at the shortest. Inside the house I wear mostly skirts/floaty dresses or very lightweight capris in the summer and then put "clothes" on when I leave the house.

[missychrissy]

Ash, good to see you and I'm proud of the girls for reacting to B that way!

Chrissy, I want dragon day here!

It was in the 90's yesterday. We've had to run the AC at work but I haven't turned it on yet at home. It's 78 indoors at night and I won't turn it on until it's over 80.

Our dragon was a disappointment this year. He was small and not even painted. Boo.

I'm a short-shorts and tank top girl. Even at work. I love working at Cornell!! Last year after my BA, I even wore two tanks without a bra (dr's orders were to go 3 months without a bra). No one said anything...but then it's a hippie city and many women there burned their bras literally in the 70's and never bought another one. But I don't really fit in with them because they're very flowy skirt like with flat, strappy sandals and long, sometimes braided hair and I'm more of a modern girl. Actually, one of the younger professors said I had "non-Ithaca hair" one time. I took that as a compliment!

[Cosmosmom]

Chrissy...so different from my dress code at work. No unnatural hair colors or drastic styles, no piercings other than ears, no visible tattoos, no capris or pedal pushers, no shorts, no tanks or sleeveless, women MUST have either socks or hose on, not too low cut of tops....

Well that is for the staff that isn't in scrubs but they have their own codes.

[Cosmosmom]

speaking of temps early...supposed to be like 21 tonight...no wonder the heat was kicking on!!! LOL