Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

Speaking of FB, one of my cousins had posted Wordsworth's poem Daffodils and I mentioned it reminded me of our Papaw and she replied that one day we'll see him again in "gloryland." It made me sad. I'm not a total atheist but I can't believe in all that fairytale heaven stuff but I do hope that spirits live on after our bodies die and we can meet again...sigh.

I hope so.

I had a conversation with Sydney about death the other night. I told her I don't know what happens when we die, but I like to think our spirit lives on. I pointed out that there's a lot that's unknown in the world and universe, so who really knows? I told her the worst case scenario is 'this is it' and when we die it's eternal emptiness. But it doesn't hurt to hope for more.

She brought it up because she's been receiving a lot of pressure from her friends about going to Church and Heaven and Hell. I have to remind myself that her friends are probably truly concerned for her, because they believe that themselves, but I couldn't help but be irritated with them. Sydney seemed really worried about the possibility of Hell. I told her I didn't believe in Hell at all, that even if we did have a creator I doubt It would make a person with such a mental defect (serial killers) that he/she would kill multiple people and torture them, then sentence that person to burn for eternity. It just doesn't make sense. Mental illness is real. A 'loving God' wouldn't create something like that with the intent that he/she would burn for eternity. The whole idea is ridiculous.

[daylilies]

That's what I think too, Chrissy.

[missychrissy]

I'm going to have a stroke, except I can't afford it so I better not. I must have paid something like $700 in the last couple weeks on Jesi's and Bobbie's (and 1 of Sydney's) medical bills and yesterday and today I received another $50 in medical bills for them.

To say this is frustrating is putting it mildly. I can't even appreciate that we're the 'lucky ones' because we have health insurance.

[Gwenn]

I rarely discuss religion in this thread, but Chrissy, what you just said in your post about your talk with Sydney sounds exactly like something I was just reading in a book written by an Episcopal Bishop. Whoa. How odd that I just read that recently.

[missychrissy]

Interesting coincidence. I'm surprised an Episcopal Bishop would have written anything similar to what I believe.

I could expand on my belief that even if a person isn't born with a defective brain of some sort, they can certainly have such trauma as infants and young children that they're forever shaped into something society would call 'evil' but I also don't think that could warrant eternal ****ation. Why give a precious, innocent child to someone incapable of loving and supporting them with the ultimate result being said child would burn in hell? Again, it makes no sense whatsoever and I'll never believe that's remotely a possibility.

[Gwenn]

Interesting coincidence. I'm surprised an Episcopal Bishop would have written anything similar to what I believe.

I could expand on my belief that even if a person isn't born with a defective brain of some sort, they can certainly have such trauma as infants and young children that they're forever shaped into something society would call 'evil' but I also don't think that could warrant eternal ****ation. Why give a precious, innocent child to someone incapable of loving and supporting them with the ultimate result being said child would burn in hell? Again, it makes no sense whatsoever and I'll never believe that's remotely a possibility.

Well, I agree with you. And so does the Bishop.

[missychrissy]

One of 'my people' had his book featured on Oprah's Book of the Month thing years ago. He was on the show and everything. His name is Bob Morgan, and the book was Gap Creek.

He had some issues with his email yesterday and after I helped him we saw his email popping in and I noticed numerous messages had Gap Creek in the subject. He was very humble and seemed surprised when he said, "almost every other day I get a message from someone asking me for a sequel to that book." He said he's actually writing one! I got the impression that Gap Creek wasn't his own favorite of all the books he's written, but since it was featured on Oprah that's the one people associate with him and talk about the most.

So far that's the only book I've picked up that was written by one of my coworkers and I really loved the story. I love that he's such an awesome, sweet man. I can't wait to read his sequel.

[Cosmosmom]

I'm going to have a stroke, except I can't afford it so I better not. I must have paid something like $700 in the last couple weeks on Jesi's and Bobbie's (and 1 of Sydney's) medical bills and yesterday and today I received another $50 in medical bills for them.

To say this is frustrating is putting it mildly. I can't even appreciate that we're the 'lucky ones' because we have health insurance.

I feel the same way. I just got a bill for blood work I had done a few weeks ago and that was $1700. Insurance will cover some of it but not all. And for the adoption we both had to have health forms filled out so there goes a physical for each of us, hearing test, eye test, HIV test, blood test for something else, urine drug test....and than they thought DH might have a hydrocele so he had to have an ultrasound which turned out to be just that and nothing to do with or worry about unless it gets worse and causes problems. Not looking forward to those bills starting to come in!

[Cosmosmom]

Dang, where I sit at work there is a curved window and it opens into a little court yard area. Since it has buildings on all sides the snow really tends to swirl around in there.....and it looks like a snow globe! Very pretty but I am so tired of snow....it's been such a long winter.

I'm excited, Dh said I could probably order the nursery bedding/decor set I have had my eye on this weekend! I know it is is early but worried that if I wait too long, it won't be available. This is what happened when we first were going to try like 5-6 years ago...loved a set and haven't found anything I liked in all this time until now. I have very specific wants....has to be gender neutral, has to be Snoopy. I have had my heart set on a Snoopy room for 6 years at least. We have two snoopy pictures already in the room with bright colors and so I wanted something with bright colors too. And DH is really picky about decorating. This one fits the criteria and I keep coming back to it after looking at it for a few months. I have tons of storage space at the house so it's ok if it just sits there for a while. We are going to turn the guest room into the nursery but no sense in doing that right away.

[demigraf]

How exciting, Jennifer! We were on Team Green - not wanting to know Bodhi's gender 'til he came out, and so He has lots of primary colored polka dot and stripey things, and people gave us a lot of ducks. I personally prefer gender-neutral things anyway, as they can be made more girly and boyish anyway with accessories like bows and caps and such.

AmeriAsh, can I just say I lol'ed when you used the Latin pluralization of "status" ("stati")? I think that makes us both word nerds, right?

I'm sitting on a train right now peeking over this woman's shoulder who was reading a paper entitled "Unique Person Process". I was intrigued at first, thinking it was some philosophical essay, but nope, turned out to be just some boring software routine to differentiate one guy in a system from the next.

I'll PM the d-bag Idol's name to the ones who asked, but it was quite a few seasons ago.

chrissy, I think being a teenage girl is just plain hard. I was very unhappy as a teen and had little reason to be in the grand scheme of things. I think the angst years are somewhat a rite of passage. The people I know who didn't do the angst thing in their teens went through it later in their twenties, if not their 40's. In a way, it's better for them to be exposed to self-doubt and pain now while they're still under your roof than it is for them to hit the real world and have to go through some serious disillusionment then. Honestly, I look back at my tumultuous times and see how they've made me more "steady" today. If you're concerned about their unhappiness, perhaps start talking to them about happiness as a set of skills (how to be grateful, how to feel hopeful). There are books (Raising Happiness by Christine Carter and sites like The Happiness Project) that can guide you and give you useful exercises to do with them, if you're open to exploring that stuff. You're an awesome mom.

[daylilies]

I'm reading a really good book called The War of Art. DH said he heard about it on one of his podcasts. This book is about resistance to getting things done, things we do in life to sabotage ourselves and how to stop that and actually sit down and get things done and live to our full potential. He says every one of us has potential to be a genius (not just smart, but productive and not wasteful of time and energy). The book is written in short little chapters--it's great for my little attention span. I recommend it if any of you are stuck in a rut like I seem to always be.

[missychrissy]

chrissy, I think being a teenage girl is just plain hard. I was very unhappy as a teen and had little reason to be in the grand scheme of things. I think the angst years are somewhat a rite of passage. The people I know who didn't do the angst thing in their teens went through it later in their twenties, if not their 40's. In a way, it's better for them to be exposed to self-doubt and pain now while they're still under your roof than it is for them to hit the real world and have to go through some serious disillusionment then. Honestly, I look back at my tumultuous times and see how they've made me more "steady" today. If you're concerned about their unhappiness, perhaps start talking to them about happiness as a set of skills (how to be grateful, how to feel hopeful). There are books (Raising Happiness by Christine Carter and sites like The Happiness Project) that can guide you and give you useful exercises to do with them, if you're open to exploring that stuff. You're an awesome mom.

Thank you. I just might check those books out.

Does everyone read self-help and/or theology kinds of books? I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me.

[Cosmosmom]

Umm, I find it great to be not productive and waste engery sometimes....makes me happy and relaxed! I love to come home, get into my comfy clothes and watch young and restless.

Chrissy, I buy those kinds of books....well not the theology one but sometimes management/self-help kinds of books.....but I never read them. Only one I actually read was 1,2,3 Magic. Oh I should say that I buy them for the library...not my own personal use.
It's really kind of funny in that I love to read, but only fiction.....and yet I work in a totally non-fiction library.

[daylilies]

I read a lot of self help books. I feel like I need a lot of help. I used to read a lot of parenting books, but I got tired of being the one who reads them and follows through with the ideas. Finally DH is reading one of the defiant behavior books and I'm letting him take the lead on this one. I feel like if I do it all, he feels like he doesn't have to.

[daylilies]

Oh by the way my library doesn't have that Buddhism for Mothers book someone recommended, but they ordered it through another library for me today.

[demigraf]

Mostly I just buy books to add to a pile that I can say I scanned but haven't fully read. Sad but true.

There's a funny story about how I got the Raising Happiness book I mention, but I'm too lazy to tell it again, so I'll just look for my old post on it in my DD room and share later.

Erin, I just wanna say right on for persuading that wannabe rapper about the benefits of ext. BF-ing. I think it's frustrating and the hardest thing to deal with the perceptions that it's unnatural or inappropriate to BF children to the age where they can speak in sentences. I guess because it's not the norm in our society, so it looks funny to some. And add to that the sexualization of boobies, and the act of feeding with them becomes fodder for stupid Beavis/Butthead style jokes. My DH is so disapproving and unsupportive of he fact I still BF. He gets really bothered when Bodhi starts screaming for them. He thinks it's the boobs that are making him act that way. I keep telling him that it's just toddler-dom, and if Bodhi weren't agitating for the boo-boos, he'd be tantrumming for something else, and isn't it better that he's demanding something nutritious and bond-building rather than a cookie or a toy? He really doesn't give the "girls" enough credit for the number of times we avoided a complete meltdown because Bodhi was able to calm himself with nursing. It's such a sore spot between us to this day.

[demigraf]

Kate, I hope you like the Buddhism for Mothers book!

[Bridget]

I ordered it off Amazon. I'm reading a bunch of Waldorf stuff right now for Savana's kindergarten lessons but it's my next read. Kate, let me know when you get it so we can read it together.

[missychrissy]

Bridget, I marvel at how you have time to read as much as you do! I only get to read on the bus, about 30 minutes each trip. I'm just finishing The Burning Bed.

[demigraf]

OK, I found my old post on Raising Happiness (after I got sidetracked by reading the thread on Michelle Obama and Palin/Bachmann's comments on BFing. Honestly, I have such a hard time understanding why the promotion of BFing is considered government interference in one's life, while there are plenty of other instances of government interference/moral policing that don't draw the ire of conservatives. It just seems like standards inconsistently applied. Erin, ITA'd with you as usual).

Anyway, I'm still laughing about how I acquired Raising Happiness right now. This was excerpted from my DD room confessions thread maybe a year ago:

OK. I confess two things. 1) I totally rule! And 2) I am a total dork.

I totally rock because DH & I went to market yesterday after he picked me up from airport (Bodhi screamed for an hour in-flight, btw. *sad face*). And this woman tried to pick a fight with us in the parking lot thinking we'd stolen her spot. We saw no one waiting for it, but she claims she was around the corner with her signal on? Anyway, she came over and was all upset with us, wouldn't listen to what we said and just declared "You're not nice people" and stormed off. So I saw her again in the market and just very calmly explained our position to her - how we couldn't possibly have seen her and if we'd known she had really been there BEFORE us, we would have gladly given her the spot. But the problem is she walked away before we even had the chance to tell her our side of the story. She said "I'll walk away whenever I want to" and I said "Fine, but understand, you just took your shots and didn't wait to hear our end of things. So I'll just tell you now I think it was a misunderstanding and leave it at that." She shook her head and walked away. But after a few minutes, she found me and apologized. She said she was sorry she'd walked away, just hadn't wanted to escalate things and agreed it was a misunderstanding. Steve thinks I made a mountain out of a molehill, and I can see how he can think that, but I like to believe there is a middle ground for everyone if people just approach conflict looking for that middle ground. So I feel I helped come to that middle ground and bring out the best in two people in a conflict. Bodhi was with me the whole time, and I like to think that was practice at setting a good example for him.

And I am a COMPLETE DORK because I went to a presentation by author Christine Carter yesterday (her book is Raising Happiness, on teaching kids to be happy as a set of skills) and I thought she was great. She was super funny. She had great comic timing, and as she was talking I was bantering back and forth with her in my head and thinking "We could totally be buddies." But when I got the chance to talk to her in person at the book signing table, I totally froze. I was like, "Uh, do you know <these other authors in her field?> Do you, like, have dinner together? Guess I'll be adding your book to my arsenal of happiness research books, heh heh." (which totally trivialized her work as just another subject in that category). And then I got all gushy and was like "You were totally awesome up there. Thank you so much for your time." OMG, I was so awkward. She looked like she was wondering if she'd need to call security. LOL.

To be completely honest, I don't know for sure if I left without paying for the book. I felt like such a dweeb!

[daylilies]

LOL! Your stories are so funny, Myles.

[AmeriBrit]

AmeriAsh, can I just say I lol'ed when you used the Latin pluralization of "status" ("stati")? I think that makes us both word nerds, right?

You caught me! I'm a total word nerd and was an English major in college. I'm always arguing with people about how they speak over here...I did win an argument with a Brit at work about how to say 'scone' and he was ashamed, he said, to be taught how to speak English by an American...bwahaha.

Myles, your stories are always so entertaining to read. I like how your confrontation played out. I've mellowed a bit lately when it comes to confrontations. I used to be all "Wow, people are all idiots" to where now I'm like, "eh, don't be so judgmental; give them a chance first." LOL

[Bridget]

Myles.
Chrissy, I totally do not have time to read. It takes me forever to get through a book. I've had a few more opportunities now that I am always nursing Sawyer but stiil I miss reading almost more than anything else pre-kids.

[daylilies]

It takes me forever to get through a book too, Bridget, but if we can agree to read a chapter a week or something I'll read the Buddhism book with you.

[Gwenn]

Mostly I just buy books to add to a pile that I can say I scanned but haven't fully read. Sad but true.

I often read about 20% or so and then it sits on my night stand. Sad but true. I rarely have the energy to follow through with anything anymore unless it really entertains me, but the desire is there so I keep buying. I hate that.

Anyway, I'm still laughing about how I acquired Raising Happiness right now. This was excerpted from my DD room confessions thread maybe a year ago:

Myles, you crack me up. I've met a few authors whose work I admire (nobody really famous) and it has always turned out awkward. Back when I was dating the author, he introduced me to a genre writer who was my favorite writer at the time. The first time I was a little overwhelmed and felt kind of silly. I met her again a few other times, and one time sticks out in my mind that she had just published a book that I had been very eager to read. So my SO at the time (the author) was a little jealous because I was a fan of hers but I wasn't a fan of his. And he told her point blank that I was reading her book in bed when he was interested in other things ... so she signed my book and wrote "enjoy multiple times!" Still makes me laugh at how cool she was about that!

[Gwenn]

Today at work I had a couple of strange things happen. First, there is a woman who just started there in the same position I have. She's new to the job but very experienced but her first week they had her observing teams. So she came and watched us one day and she actually started critiquing how I was transcribing a child's speech. I thought it was a little strange, and so did my eval partner. Then today, she came in to our room to talk (which she has never done before) and I had my test protocols spread out on the table, incidentally for the same child I had been testing that day. And I noticed that she was reading my protocols. Which is just rude, not to mention a HIPAA violation. I will ask colleagues opinions and I will show them my documents without the name being obvious, but just to walk over and read them unsolicited is really obnoxious.

But I have this thing about trying to get along with coworkers and she asked me to lunch and I went. And then she got into a discussion about how she thought it was a bad idea to talk about politics at work and then, after saying that, asked me point blank who I voted for last. Really odd.

Then, totally unrelated, that afternoon a large group needed to use our work space for a large presentation and we offered to go work elsewhere so they could spread out. Space is at a premium and we try to be accommodating. So I packed up all my protocols, 3 student files, 3 scoring manuals, my laptop, and a few other things to carry out the door. As I was leaving I overheard a woman complaining loudly and rudely about it "smelling like urine." I went to the other room and told my partner about it - I was pissed. If they didn't like our space, they could find another space to work out of and I'll stay in my office, thank you very much.

When I went back later I found they had turned on the AC for the first time all year, and it did smell really bad. Possibly like an animal had peed in/around it. So I get where she was coming from. But what I said still holds true. Don't ask me to leave my office and then complain about the facilities in my hearing while I am carrying a stack of work out the door.

[demigraf]

*** ETA: LONG POST ALERT!!!!! ***

My interest in doing work today is completely waning.

I confess I came thiiiis close to jumping in the fray about the Michelle Obama Palin/Bachmann BFing snarks, but I stopped myself from committing the next 24 hrs to continuing the debate both online and in my head. Just not worth it given all I have to get done workwise and, besides that, if I really want to argue with someone in my head, it should be my sister.

I had a long talk with DH this weekend about the sister situation again now that we've moved out. He is dead set on telling my BIL about my sister's cheating. He wanted me to be there for the conversation and have my BIL hear it from both of us. Here's the thing, though: My BIL doesn't like me, as much as I think he's a pretty decent guy, albeit a little schmoozy-fake, and he probably pities me for not being as rich as he is. For 10 years, he's been fed this narrative from my sister where I am the jealous sibling rival, determined to undermine whatever she's got going on in her life. So I'm pretty sure he's not going to want to hear the news of my sister's cheating from me, and moreover he might not even believe it if he questions my motives. He thinks my hubby is a real solid guy, however, and would be more receptive to hearing it from him.

On top of all those other things, I have been asked point blank by my parents not to tell my BIL - "we would hate for the news to come from you"(not that it didn't cause a huge fight between me and my dad and I am definitely not allowing them to influence my final decision.) I suppose my biggest reservation is whether or not it's any of my business at all to share what we know, given the huge amount of fallout that's going to come of it. To blab about it would kind of make me feel like an executioner.

In any case, I'm decided on not being there for the talk my DH is going to have with my BIL, but I would still like to hear your guys' thoughts on the matter. What would you guys do if you were in my shoes?

Where I last left off with my sister, we'd traded e-mails. She was still painting me out to be a judgmental, sanctimonious busybody (as if I even wanted to know anything about her cheating), way too unsophisticated to understand the challenges of her marriage, and practically equating me to someone who would stand on a streetcorner with a sign that says "God Hates Fags" (well, that's how she made me feel, anyway) for disapproving of her deceit. Since I didn't have the stomach for a long, protracted argument, and my main goal was to keep her away from us while we were still in her house, I chose not to continue the debate with her and opted to warn her to just leave us alone or we would tell her husband everything.

Even with my warning, she took one last shot at defending herself. "It would kill [BIL] if he knew, so I'm actually doing the compassionate thing by not telling him", portraying herself as some hapless victim who just fell for someone else and now it's over anyway. She still called my reaction "extreme" and said "I thought you'd changed" (WTF?!?). She characterized us moving out of her house as something we were doing out of foolish pride. Molly read this whole exchange. Bleh.

So anyway, it's been on my mind for a couple months now to respond to her parting shot with my own parting shot, since she got to get her last things off her chest and I was left to grumble at her in my head. And I'm actually glad I waited 4 months to communicate with her, because I have things much clearer in my head what I want to say to her. I definitely want to blow her whole BS theory that hers was a "victimless crime" out of the water.

I never told you guys this, but last April, WHILE she was cheating on her DH, she threw him a $14,000 birthday party. She had me help her plan it. And the weekend before the big do, she said her girlfriend was in town and couldn't join me to meet with the caterer and venue owner that weekend and I had to do it on my own. Except she didn't know I am friends on FB with both that girlfriend whom she was supposedly with and the wife of the guy she was cheating with. I saw the wife's status that she was in Seattle with the kids that weekend. And I contacted my sister's girlfriend via FB and she told me point blank she was nowhere near us that weekend. That weekend turned into a completely unnecessary hell of stupid menu decisions and price negotiating that I had to do all alone while she was off canoodling with this jerkoff whose wife and twins were away for the weekend.

So for starters, I just want to call my sister on the sheer nerve of her "virtuous cheater" act. She is so full of bullhonkey, it's ridiculous. I never expected to get through to her with anything I could say or write, but I do feel it was important to state my position as persuasively as possible just for my own peace of mind, and I haven't done that yet. Every time I start to think about saying anything to her, I get so pissed off.

My point is, if I want to say anything to her at all, I think I should do it right away. Because DH is going to squawk to her husband soon, and I think my point would be most cleanly made BEFORE that happens. The clock is ticking.

For all of the above, I am forcing myself to stay out of political debates on forums like APA.

I know you guys "love" my long posts. So there ya go. Please share your thoughts. This whole matter still does my head in.

[Gwenn]

Myles, I think you are right to let DH break the news, and I also think it would be a good idea to have that conversation with your sister before he does so, if you want to have it. I can see that you would want to get that off your chest.



I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[demigraf]

Today at work I had a couple of strange things happen. First, there is a woman who just started there in the same position I have. She's new to the job but very experienced but her first week they had her observing teams. So she came and watched us one day and she actually started critiquing how I was transcribing a child's speech. I thought it was a little strange, and so did my eval partner. Then today, she came in to our room to talk (which she has never done before) and I had my test protocols spread out on the table, incidentally for the same child I had been testing that day. And I noticed that she was reading my protocols. Which is just rude, not to mention a HIPAA violation. I will ask colleagues opinions and I will show them my documents without the name being obvious, but just to walk over and read them unsolicited is really obnoxious.

But I have this thing about trying to get along with coworkers and she asked me to lunch and I went. And then she got into a discussion about how she thought it was a bad idea to talk about politics at work and then, after saying that, asked me point blank who I voted for last. Really odd.

Then, totally unrelated, that afternoon a large group needed to use our work space for a large presentation and we offered to go work elsewhere so they could spread out. Space is at a premium and we try to be accommodating. So I packed up all my protocols, 3 student files, 3 scoring manuals, my laptop, and a few other things to carry out the door. As I was leaving I overheard a woman complaining loudly and rudely about it "smelling like urine." I went to the other room and told my partner about it - I was pissed. If they didn't like our space, they could find another space to work out of and I'll stay in my office, thank you very much.

When I went back later I found they had turned on the AC for the first time all year, and it did smell really bad. Possibly like an animal had peed in/around it. So I get where she was coming from. But what I said still holds true. Don't ask me to leave my office and then complain about the facilities in my hearing while I am carrying a stack of work out the door.

Yuck, yuck, and yuck, Mandy.

You did the right thing venting to us about it. I get why that would bother you, but you wouldn't want to battle her about it. Chalk today up to just more personalities you have to deal with. Your co-worker is really obnoxious and the complainer woman deserves a bit of a smack too.

What is a protocol in your work context? I'm guessing it contains some sort of confidential patient info?

[demigraf]

Myles, I think you are right to let DH break the news, and I also think it would be a good idea to have that conversation with your sister before he does so, if you want to have it. I can see that you would want to get that off your chest.



I'm sorry for what you're going through.

And thanks for the hug.