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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #17581

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    Josh keeps talking about death. It's disturbing and I don't like him to talk like that but I also don't want him to feel like he can't talk about it, you know?
    Yesterday he was kicking my foot under the table and I asked him to stop and he said "I'm pretending it's a died person." ??? I just don't even know how to approach that.

  2. #17582

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Josh keeps talking about death. It's disturbing and I don't like him to talk like that but I also don't want him to feel like he can't talk about it, you know?
    Yesterday he was kicking my foot under the table and I asked him to stop and he said "I'm pretending it's a died person." ??? I just don't even know how to approach that.
    I think I have said this before but my kids have taught me to be more comfortable with death. They incorporate it into their play and it used to bother me and I used to redirect them but now I leave it alone. It helps to remember that fantasy play is the work of children. It is just their way of sorting through all of the information coming at them.
    So I don't even think it's necessary for you to approach it in that particular situation. You can just say nothing.

  3. #17583

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    Okay, I'll try that. I just don't want him saying stuff like that at school or in front of littler kids! Guess I can't control that, though.

  4. #17584

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    All I can say is that if you're freaked out by death, kids will be. The more you avoid a topic, the more interesting it becomes for them. Oscar's been exposed to death in natural simple ways since i can remember. First in the garden, with plants and seasons. Then with our chickens and predators. Also because we buy whole animals from farms for meat and we've talked through that with him. He gets it, for sure, and is very comfortable with natural processes. Babies are born, grow up, have more babies, then die. Their babies have more babies and so on... he loves that idea.

    That said, like the rest of is, death makes him sad and scares him a bit. Normal. We talk it through everytime it weighs on him.

    I think expecting kids not to talk about death is like expecting them not to play with their genitals. Unrealistic and not healthy. And I wouldn't be so concerned about Josh talking about death as I would be you NOT talking about it and him getting his info second hand from.other kids.

    Oscar and I play hunting elk some days. He rides on my back (I'm the horse) with his bow and when he shoots one he thanks them for dying so we can have food. He gets that we don't kill things unless we're going to eat them or they're going to kill us.



  5. #17585

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    Lydia, do the kids know about Esme? We chose not to tell the boys about Jasper until they're much older.



  6. #17586
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    Conner is fully aware that animals die. For whatever reason, the possibility of a human dying hasn't crossed his mind. At least, he's never said anything to me about it. He loves to hunt...both pretend as well as tagging along with Daddy. Although, the last time Rich went small game hunting, Conner opted to stay home and play a game on the computer.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  7. #17587

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    I'm not freaked out by death (okay maybe a little) but I'm a little disgusted at him saying he's pretending to kick a dead person. I do talk to him about death, I talked to him when we had to put our cat down and I said everyone dies, and that means they don't come back. So now he talks about the cat to anyone who will listen and he says things like he'll miss me when he's dead. I'm glad he's talking about it and I'm fine with talking to him about it. It was just that one comment that weirded me out.

  8. #17588
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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    Lydia, do the kids know about Esme? We chose not to tell the boys about Jasper until they're much older.
    This subject came up with us (me and dh) very recently, because I was looking through pictures with the twins on the computer and decided to quickly jump over the pictures with Esme. The twins don't know about her. We don't want to wait so long that it's a momentous, huge thing, or that it feels like we kept her a secret, but on the other hand Claire loves to look at old pictures but then gets upset if she sees us with people she doesn't know. And now with them feeling at least a little secure that death happens to old people, I don't know. We'd planned on this Spring.

    Gwenn, I've been getting told a lot lately that my children, Ronin in particular, speak like miniature adults. I was relaying a story about him and someone interrupted and said "Wait, he actually said 'Perhaps'?" and I said "Yes," without thinking that was an odd word for a child to say. He just says what he hears at home, though. He can say mass spectrometer better than he can say spaghetti. They've come a long way from being close to the bottom of the normal language development range until about age 2.


  9. #17589

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    LOL, Josh says perhaps, too. He has come a long way too, since we were worried about him at 18 months not saying very much, to speaking in non stop paragraphs now.

  10. #17590
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    Conner's big words are limited to dinosaurs and the periods in which they lived

    He also shocked both Rich and I yesterday when Rich was helping him find a new online game to play and before Rich could click a link, Conner piped up and said, "Not those ones. They are for iPhones." To my knowledge, he's never even seen an iPhone, but Rich said he was right. It was a link to Apple Apps.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  11. #17591

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    LOL. Bodhi says "maybe" now because that's my standard answer to a lot of things when I don't want to lie to him, but also don't want to flat out say "No" and risk a meltdown. Like, he'll ask me, "Play Arie & Theo again park today?" (those are his two besties).And I'll say "Maybe." I make sure to sometimes say it even when the answer is "Yes", just so he knows it works both ways.

  12. #17592
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    My standby is "We'll see..." Sometimes that's a yes, and sometimes it's a no. With the girls' it's more common because they'll ask me if someone can come stay the night for an upcoming weekend, and I swear 9 times out of 10 they only ask on exhausted Wednesday...a time when I can't envision doing anything else other than hiding under my covers all weekend.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  13. #17593

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    Kids use the language they hear. Oscar talks about clients and presentations and can read from a Japanese menu. Because we do

    I'm struggling with when to tell Oscar about jasper. I'd wanted to wait until after pregnancy for obvious reasons, and now I want to tell him before he gets so old that it seems like we hid it from him. But then Gus grows up little knowing about it, and honestly, I liked introducing Oscar to the concept of death gradually. Plants, animals, people. It almost seems unfair to start with the knowledge that even healthy little babes can die, and in their mama's tummies. But maybe I'm overthinking it. I do that sometimes.

    P.s. if some of you have tried to friend me on fb and I declined, please don't be offended. I stopped friending people I don't know irl a while back...



  14. #17594

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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    P.s. if some of you have tried to friend me on fb and I declined, please don't be offended. I stopped friending people I don't know irl a while back...

    You big stash-hole!

  15. #17595
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    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  16. #17596

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    I confess I'm having a honeymoon period with my new neighborhood. Today was the first morning I woke up in the new house. My commute was beautiful. Everything from the community surf movie benefit this Friday, to the miles of hiking trails behind the "Orchid Center" at the bottom of the hill, to the BBQ joint and coffeehouses in old railcars also at the bottom of the hill, to the "Firefighter Storytime" at the library today including tours of a real fire truck (I called DH and told him about it and he's excited to take Bodhi in an hour) is making me silly happy at the moment. Even the fact that lots of high-school kids seem to come up to the top of the canyon where we live to drink and party and leave bottles in our yard isn't getting me down at the moment.

  17. #17597

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    Oh, yeah, and I got this from some guy at the train station the other day:



    It made me laugh and I smiled at him.

    But later, I opened it up and was actually really preachy. It starts with a decent enough premise ("Everyone's a little fanatical about certain things in their lives. You have hobbies, don't you? You love your family, don't you? Some might say you're a fanatic about those things.") Reasonable enough, right? OK - maybe you're not such a nut afterall.

    Then it makes this big logical leap - "Well, the religious fanatic who handed you this pamphlet wants you to know that there is a BIG difference between being merely "religious" and having a RELATIONSHIP with GOD (who loves us lots). God wants us to look to him as NUMERO UNO #1, before ANYTHING or ANYONE else to find our security and self worth in HIM alone."

    It's a total non sequitur. His logic is basically "I am not a fanatic because you are fanatical about things yourself. Therefore, you must listen to me when I tell you that you should be fanatical about God because he says it's wrong to be fanatical about anything else."

    Doesn't add up, does it?
    Last edited by demigraf; 03-02-2011 at 12:06 PM.

  18. #17598
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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post

    P.s. if some of you have tried to friend me on fb and I declined, please don't be offended. I stopped friending people I don't know irl a while back...
    I did that, too, and actually deleted a bunch of APA people, except for the mods, because I need another way to stay in touch with them. I hardly ever use FB, though, so it seemed kind of important to keep it restricted to people who know me well enough to know that I don't use it.

    Then I got a couple of messages from people I'd deleted, asking for explanations, and I explained myself, and one person didn't believe I knew as many APA people IRL as I had on there. It turned rather unpleasant, unfortunately, but I have had a ton of meet-ups.


  19. #17599

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    I agree kids use language that they hear. I remember people being shocked at Ky using the word "sly" when he was around 3 years old. I never thought anything of it.

    People tell me that Elle speaks like a 4 year old. She is a chatterbox when she wants to be and uses a lot of words that I am told most 2 year olds don't say, like "absurd." One of her favorite books is The Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly and one of the lines is "How absurd she swallowed a bird!" That is one of Elle's favorite parts of the story. It doesn't help that she says it very dramatically - "you ate a nasty brussel sprout, that is just ABSURD!" and she'll twist her littleface up. It is pretty funny. She also has an old dinosaur book of Ky's and she thinks that the pictures are scary and it is just ABSURD how scary they are. She is very amusing to me speaking about all the absurdities she sees. She also thinks things are "amazing" a lot, which I say about a lot of the plots to the comics that Ky writes and she is also dramatic about how amazing things are, like new playground equipment or bright red nail polish on her toenails.

    Erin

  20. #17600

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydia View Post
    I did that, too, and actually deleted a bunch of APA people, except for the mods, because I need another way to stay in touch with them. I hardly ever use FB, though, so it seemed kind of important to keep it restricted to people who know me well enough to know that I don't use it.
    I deleted a bunch of people, but not necessarily just people I didn't know IRL. Mainly former co-workers and old grade-schoolers that didn't really add much to the whole FB experience. I have to say, I sometimes get better "content" from non-IRL friends than I do from people I have actually met. For one thing, I'm glad I got a hold of former APA-er AllyPC just after she stopped posting here on APA. She's very interesting and we've had some of the funniest exchanges since then.

    My FB friends list is a patchwork of people I know from various episodes in my life. It's pretty neat to have them all corraled in one place (with the exception of my stuffy in-laws. I wish more of them would un-friend me the way my BIL did.)
    Last edited by demigraf; 03-02-2011 at 12:25 PM.

  21. #17601
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    I confess I'm having a honeymoon period with my new neighborhood. Today was the first morning I woke up in the new house. My commute was beautiful. Everything from the community surf movie benefit this Friday, to the miles of hiking trails behind the "Orchid Center" at the bottom of the hill, to the BBQ joint and coffeehouses in old railcars also at the bottom of the hill, to the "Firefighter Storytime" at the library today including tours of a real fire truck (I called DH and told him about it and he's excited to take Bodhi in an hour) is making me silly happy at the moment. Even the fact that lots of high-school kids seem to come up to the top of the canyon where we live to drink and party and leave bottles in our yard isn't getting me down at the moment.
    It must be the honeymoon period if the kids partying hasn't annoyed you yet!

    Ugh about the pamphlet. I hate those things...Initially I thought it was going to be some good Atheist humor. If I got one irl, I'd feel it was a bait and switch.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  22. #17602

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    We read so much and listen to so many audio books and Savana and Kai do not let one thing go by that don't ask what it means. They use such grown up language it's hilarious. Like, Kai will say he is "dashing" instead of running. He'll say "I turned on my heels and walked away."

    And I just want to clarify, Kate, that I didn't mean not speak to Josh about death at all. And you've already said that you have been open with him about it. I just wanted to suggest that you don't have to analyze everything and that doesn't mean he's like a morbid kid or something.
    Last edited by Bridget; 03-02-2011 at 01:56 PM.

  23. #17603

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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    I confess I'm having a honeymoon period with my new neighborhood. Today was the first morning I woke up in the new house. My commute was beautiful. Everything from the community surf movie benefit this Friday, to the miles of hiking trails behind the "Orchid Center" at the bottom of the hill, to the BBQ joint and coffeehouses in old railcars also at the bottom of the hill, to the "Firefighter Storytime" at the library today including tours of a real fire truck (I called DH and told him about it and he's excited to take Bodhi in an hour) is making me silly happy at the moment. Even the fact that lots of high-school kids seem to come up to the top of the canyon where we live to drink and party and leave bottles in our yard isn't getting me down at the moment.
    Glad the new neighborhood is treating you well so far.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    I agree kids use language that they hear. I remember people being shocked at Ky using the word "sly" when he was around 3 years old. I never thought anything of it.

    People tell me that Elle speaks like a 4 year old. She is a chatterbox when she wants to be and uses a lot of words that I am told most 2 year olds don't say, like "absurd." One of her favorite books is The Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly and one of the lines is "How absurd she swallowed a bird!" That is one of Elle's favorite parts of the story. It doesn't help that she says it very dramatically - "you ate a nasty brussel sprout, that is just ABSURD!" and she'll twist her littleface up. It is pretty funny. She also has an old dinosaur book of Ky's and she thinks that the pictures are scary and it is just ABSURD how scary they are. She is very amusing to me speaking about all the absurdities she sees. She also thinks things are "amazing" a lot, which I say about a lot of the plots to the comics that Ky writes and she is also dramatic about how amazing things are, like new playground equipment or bright red nail polish on her toenails.

    Erin
    That's pretty cute. Abbey uses a lot of slang, like she'll say "nope", "yup", and "Hey! How ya doing?" She also tends to call me and her toddler friends "baby" and "sweetheart" because I call her and her dad those things... so yes, my little girl will walk up to a toddler friend and say "Hey baby, how ya doing?".



    lost our bean to Triploidy Sep 2010

  24. #17604

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    I was laughing at the irony of the pamphlet cover, but yeah...the inside doesn't make sense. Good hook, though.
    I'm still in a honeymoon period with my neighborhood, except for the small yapping dogs across the street, and the sort of pain that it is to get to Josh's school, but it's a very sprawling town so I can't really complain. I think it's the second largest town in the state, actually.
    I just had a very nice time at Josh's friend's house. She's the first generation to move out of China, and she made some lovely green tea from leaves (so much better than the stuff I get in bags!)
    She made a frozen pizza because she said she doesn't know how to cook American food! I wish she had cooked some authentic Chinese food and I told her she should sometime. I think she was afraid I wouldn't like it.
    Josh and her son Peter really get along, and it's cute.

  25. #17605
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    That's great Kate!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  26. #17606

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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    And I just want to clarify, Kate, that I didn't mean not speak to Josh about death at all. And you've already said that you have been open with him about it. I just wanted to suggest that you don't have to analyze everything and that doesn't mean he's like a morbid kid or something.
    Oh, I know. I guess it seems magnified to me because I'm somewhat fascinated with death and the supernatural myself, so I guess it seems like more of a big deal to me when someone who doesn't think about those things as much probably wouldn't even notice. Yeah, I'm a little morbid myself, I guess. I belong to an online community that discusses the afterlife, and paranormal and supernatural stuff. So why am I surprised that Josh is interested in it too? I guess I still see him as so little and that he shouldn't know about this stuff yet. They grow up so fast.

  27. #17607

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    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    That's pretty cute. Abbey uses a lot of slang, like she'll say "nope", "yup", and "Hey! How ya doing?" She also tends to call me and her toddler friends "baby" and "sweetheart" because I call her and her dad those things... so yes, my little girl will walk up to a toddler friend and say "Hey baby, how ya doing?".
    OMG. Abbey,I'm dying at your cuteness.

    Hey, moms with canine furbabies: We're crate-training the schnoodle again because the new place has carpets and she already christened the living room with her urine her first time in the house (luckily, the carpet's been shampooed since then).

    Has anyone had luck breaking their doggy of carpet-peeing in the past and possibly have any other suggestions? She hasn't peed in the house in 5 years prior to this.

  28. #17608
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    Any chance she might have a UTI or a seizure? Those can cause accidents. Were you around she marked the house?
    otherwise I would chalk it up to moving. Get some of that stuff from the petstore that cleans up after them to get rid of the smell of urine or she will keep marking the same spots. Go back to crating when not home and when home, try to keep her by you so you can catch her in the act.

    With the poodle in her, I would guess that she is pretty smart (my girl is part poodle too. ) And probably just adjusting with the moving and not understanding things....it's hard on them to move and see everything all packed up and not knowing what is going on. When we moved we brought Cosmo to the new house a few times so she could see it and made sure to get her stuff right away. She didn't have an accident but we also didn't have another animal in the house since we built it....and she has a litter box so basically can go whenever she wants (she mostly pees outside now...maybe once a day in the box....but almost always poos in the box).

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  29. #17609

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    I'm having so much guilt about my shortcomings as a parent these days. I feel like all I do is hand out directives and "just a minutes" and "ask daddy" as I sit on the couch nursing Sawyer.
    I haven't shared with anyone how crazy Savana has gotten. I think it's better now because I've really been working with her but last weekend we both lost our minds. I can't even remember what set it off but I asked her to go in her room for five minutes to cool off and all hell broke loose. I have never seen her this way. She was screaming that she hated her life, hated her room, hated every toy we ever bought her, hated her house. I just kept telling her I wouldn't listen to her until she calmed down but it went on for a good ten minutes before she started kicking her door and slamming her toys around. So then I told her if she couldn't treat her things properly she wasn't going to have nice things anymore. She didn't stop so I loaded her entire toy stock into garbage bags and brought them to the garage. At which point she started telling me she was sorry and she loved me. This disturbed me. Because that's exactly what dbf does when he screws up. He thinks a schmucky apology and an "I love you" will fix everything. I asked her why she felt sorry and she said because she wanted her toys back. Well, of course. So I started feeling like I handled it all wrong but I couldn't just give everything back after that outrageous behavior. I just didn't know what to do next.
    So all week she's had a bowl of buttons and a jelly jar. Every time she makes a good choice, walks away from an angry situation, follows directions without arguing, uses grace when refusing foods..etc, she earns a button. The buttons earn back her toys. It's been going well and she's been working hard to earn them back. At first I thought what's the difference? She's only making good choices to get her toys back. But after the first day she doesn't even mention getting toys back. She only want to earn her buttons. And every night we talk about how good it feels to be kind.
    The truth is she's been by my side through all the **** I've gone through with dbf. She's seen me slam doors and cry and scream. Not often but she's seen it. So I basically feel like I really suck and didn't give my little girl a very good example of how to handle anger and frustration. I just hope I can help her now and it's not too late.
    SORRY this is so long. Sheesh.

  30. #17610
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    Ah, Bridget, I don't even know where to start except that eventually all of this upheaval will start to even out and things will get better.

    And I'll pick the tiny piece that I think I can speak to - about you wondering if Savana's apology is modeling on dbf's behavior. And maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I can tell you that Claire does the exact same thing and she has never seen dh ever say I'm sorry or say I love you to me (wow, that almost sounds worse, doesn't it?). When I'm upset with either of the twins, almost invariably Ronin doesn't act contrite but just abruptly changes the subject and says "I want to kiss you, Mommy" and Claire will sometimes cry, sometimes not, and say how terrible she feels and how sorry she is and how much she loves me and sometimes adds how much she wishes she hadn't done what she did. This is all completely their own instinctive response. Dh and I don't have many disagreements, and when we do they are not obvious (sometimes not even to me!) and not usually in front of the children.

    It takes a lifetime to learn how to deal with anger and frustration, and sometimes people never master it. Don't worry that your little girl is throwing temper tantrums.

    -----------

    Yikes. Soren almost erased everything I wrote and I just panicked that I'd have to start over, and I have to go pick up the twins. I have more that I was thinking about writing, but I think I better just post this for safety's sake.

    Don't beat yourself up, Bridget. You have enough to deal with now. You're in survival mode still. You should give yourself a button for every day you make it through with everyone alive and unhurt, and then another button for every day that everyone is fed and warm. THEN you can start worrying about education and character development. Again, not to say those aren't important, but with a newborn in the house and everything all shaken up and everyone's roles changing, the most important thing is to make it through the day right now. You are doing great.


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