Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

Stash-hole! A total compliment, of course.

There may be large magnets that can do the job, but I'm not sure how big they'd need to be. Cornell has a degouser (sp?)...it's big and actually heats the drives up so much that you have to wear heat protective mitts when you use it.

What we use in our office is KillDisk. http://www.killdisk.com/

[missychrissy]

Thanks for the thoughts about my work situation. I removed my first post about it just in case. I'm not sure I can trust him. He nearly had me convinced it was me.

I still prefer a more laid back relationship with some fun banter back and forth, but it's likely not a possible option where I am now.

[3andMe]

We have lighthearted banter at my work, but we are careful about it - making sure it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, and that it's not casting aspersions on anyone, and that everyone enjoys it. If someone has to add "Sheesh, I was only joking" then that's not pleasant banter. After working with the same people for a while, it's easy to know their comfort level with topics and humor. When in doubt, I err on the side of professionalism.

I'd keep that email and a screen shot, Chrissy, even if you're not going to HR right away. I seem to recall you've had some other incidents where he's been less than professional with you, and it seems like he's been a little threatening to you and your position. I would, at the very least, start documenting every piece of unprofessional behavior he has had with you, and maybe set up a meeting with HR if you want to talk about how you feel uncomfortable working with him. Do you know how other people relate to him? Is he like this with everyone or is he particularly aggressive with you?

[3andMe]

Aw, Cash is adorable! I can't believe he's 6 months old already! And he has more hair than any of my children.

[missychrissy]

We have lighthearted banter at my work, but we are careful about it - making sure it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, and that it's not casting aspersions on anyone, and that everyone enjoys it. If someone has to add "Sheesh, I was only joking" then that's not pleasant banter. After working with the same people for a while, it's easy to know their comfort level with topics and humor. When in doubt, I err on the side of professionalism.

I'd keep that email and a screen shot, Chrissy, even if you're not going to HR right away. I seem to recall you've had some other incidents where he's been less than professional with you, and it seems like he's been a little threatening to you and your position. I would, at the very least, start documenting every piece of unprofessional behavior he has had with you, and maybe set up a meeting with HR if you want to talk about how you feel uncomfortable working with him. Do you know how other people relate to him? Is he like this with everyone or is he particularly aggressive with you?

I couldn't put my finger on it, but as soon as I read "casting aspersions on anyone" it was like a lightbulb moment for me. Thank you! I mean, I like to think I'm easy going and if I make a silly mistake I don't mind being called goofy...I can laugh at myself. And frankly, I prefer laughing at my mistakes. It's not that I don't take them seriously, but I don't take unimportant things too seriously. If that makes sense.

Anyway, with him sometimes he is attacking in his comments, shrouded in humor though they may be. He goes through phases where it's constant...daily, sometimes multiple times a day. Even for someone that generally has a good self esteem, it's worn on me. And then if I get defensive, his knee jerk response is that I'm being emotional or he'll say I'm whining. Those things aren't funny and I've never done that to him. Or anyone. Ever.

I'm his only subordinate. I have no other colleagues. It's just me and him in a 12X15 ft room and we're together for about 6-7 hours a day, 5 days a week. I think even in the best of circumstances that alone can be trying.

I feel mildly guilty dumping on him like this because he's not a bad person. He's actually nice and giving, and he often makes me laugh. He's great about allowing me to take time off whenever I need it and he's never lost his temper with me in any way.

Going to HR isn't an option. It's just me and him and there's absolutely no way to address this without him knowing it was me and getting bent about it. I wouldn't be able to continue working with him if I went to that extent, so rather than make things unpleasant for both of us I've just been keeping my eye out for other jobs I might be qualified for. I have no desire to see him punished or anything...I just really wish he'd learn where the line is and stop crossing it because other than this I genuinely like my job. And I really do like him too. If I could grow a thicker skin, that would be nice but I suspect he'd just keep going further.

[Bridget]

Chrissy, I am so sorry your boss is putting you in such a quandry. How totally uncomfortable that it's just the two of you all day so you can't even really just avoid him without being obvious.
I've always been the girl that the guys give a really hard time to because I can take it and I've found myself in your situation in several jobs as well as with my own male friends where I take a lot of **** with a smile and give a lot of **** with a smile and then suddenly I'm feeling hurt because someone crosses that fine line.

I'm feeling conflicted today. Remember the birthday party that Savana was invited to and not Kai? Well I texted the mom and asked her if I could bring Kai or if it was more of a girl party. Looking back, I should have called as opposed to texting but she's one of those aquaintences I talk to via text over any other form of communication so it was just my first instinct. Well, she never even texted me back and that was last week. Mark says I should never have asked because maybe her daughter just doesn't like Kai. After I bristled down from the mere thought that anyone could dislike my darling boy I started thinking about how Kai is really loud and rough and tumble and likes to pick his nose and fart and blame it on Franklin the Turtle. It occured to me then that he may not be super popular in the five-year old girl circle.
But now it's too late because the party is today. And as it turned out, dbf went to do an aquarium water change for one of his clients and took Kai with him so we could have probably pulled it off without hurting Kai's feelings. I feel really weird about her not responding to my text at all. Savana really likes the little girl and I hope I haven't made it so we won't be invited to things any longer. Ugh. I honestly feel like I'm just a walking social faux pas.

[missychrissy]

Did Savannah attend?

[3andMe]

I honestly feel like I'm just a walking social faux pas.

Bridget, sometimes I am the walking social faux pas, and sometimes I am the straightlaced stick in the mud. It really depends on what group I'm with, how I'm viewed. And if they see me as such extremes, really, they're probably not my best fit anyway.

I actually choose to think that most of the time things are a much bigger deal in our own heads than they are in other people's. Then, of course, I come onto APA and see people posting "Can you believe she said this?" or "Someone I know did that!" and I realize that the most trivial things can get people all bent out of shape, but most of the time I really do think that it's easier to think my way.

[missychrissy]

Sometimes I read threads like that (they're all over the web too) and I feel like no matter what you say, a person can potentially be offended. I get amazed at some of the things people get worked up over. It's like they want to dictate to everyone else how think and what to say in every given situation. If I worried about pleasing everyone, I'd have to be mute. Instead, I try to be sincere and tactful (most the time) and if someone is offended by it, then it's their problem.

[daylilies]

I read somewhere "If it can be misinterpreted, it will be"
I always try to keep that in mind and try to be as clear as I can.

[missychrissy]

Sometimes even if the person totally understands your point, they don't like what you say. Especially in terms of offering sympathy....like for me, I don't get offended if a Christian sincerely tells me they'll pray for me. I might think they're wasting their time, but I know that when someone like my g'ma says it, it comes from the heart and it's really endearing. Other secular people I know actually get offended by that sort of thing. No one in here that I'm aware of, but I've heard things like that from other people before. Now, if I'm having a heated discussion with a "Christian" who tries it with an "I'll pray for you" then I take it as the Christian fluck you and that is offensive It's all in the context.

[daylilies]

I don't get offended by "I'll pray for you." I think of it as the same thing as if I said "I'll think of you."

[AmeriBrit]

Here's the haircut: (am thinking of going a little shorter in the back so that there is more a slant)

[daylilies]

Cute!

[missychrissy]

I love it!! Is your hair naturally that straight?

[AmeriBrit]

No! I straighten it. My natural hair is very wavy/curly.

[missychrissy]

You have really gorgeous hair.

I can't flat iron my hair, it breaks apart so easy. Even if I do it the day after having it cut, I'll find 100's of split ends. I've thought about chemically straightening it, but I'm sure that is probably just as bad as daily (or every other day) straightening. Boo.

I have hair envy!

[AmeriBrit]

Aww, that's a shame, Chrissy but your hair looks really nice in all the pics I've seen of you so don't envy! You wouldn't have envied me in high school. I sported a fro for a good while before I discovered hair straighteners and mousse for wavy hair!

[missychrissy]

Thanks, but it looks ok in pictures but if you stood in front of me you can visually see the split, fried ends. It's deplorable!

I've tried using the expensive products for over a year, probably closer to 2 years, with no luck. I'm not sure of baking soda is doing any better, but I guess it's not making it worse. The apple cider vinegar definitely makes it feel drier when I use that, so I stopped. I really need to get it cut, but I desperately want longer hair. If I tell them to cut all the dead off (which it needs) then I'm going to have a short hair cut. I can't win.

[missychrissy]

I got some good news about my first choice house. The sellers drilled a whole new well! That was one of the issues our lender had with the place, because the original well was accessible through the basement. Now that there's a new well, that's no longer an issue!!!

We still have to see if they'll agree to write a mortgage on the place because there is an existing gas lease on the property. In upstate NY, that's been a real wrench in home buying prospectors all over. Many lenders refuse to touch properties that have gas leases. I guess it depends on how the lease is actually written as to whether our lender will agree to it or not. My Realtor said she hopes to have an answer for us tomorrow.

I'm so incredibly hopeful right now it's not even funny. We've found a couple other possibilities while we wait, but none have come close to feeling as good as our first choice house.

[daylilies]

Ooh, good luck Chrissy!

[Gwenn]

That's great news, Chrissy!

Ashley, your hair is beautiful! I'm another with curly/wavy hair and experiencing hair envy. I've tried straightening at home, but there is a spot in the back I can never get completely straight (always the same spot) when I do it myself. So I gave up.

I confess DH told me he's started packing!

[missychrissy]

Mandy!!

[Cosmosmom]

Ok so after being gone a few days...lots to catch up on! We had my MIL and her brother visiting over the weekend. I like DH's uncle enough but had to keep my mouth shut a few times when politics came up. And I feel a bit badly for not saying more. Uncle is on the left...but than he's not pro-choice and since he is pretty religious not for gay marriage, just civil unions. He could be much worse and since he's mostly pretty open and has good intentions, I didn't really say much. My MIL that I just love...she basically told him, he's a man and just can't understand. She would like to think that she would never have an abortion....but really since she's never been in the shoes of having to decide, she doesn't know and it's not for her to decide for someone else. And really, I don't think that his family totally knows how liberal/left we are. His mom would know the most and even she was surprised when DH and I were worried about the adoption agency not wanting us since we couldn't say we are christians. But I didn't say too much...well I did say that I can't think of a single issue where I would be on the conservative side. And I figured that it could be so much worse....I don't have anyone in our families that I could say is a republican or a conservative.

Yeah Mandy!!!

Yeah Chrissy...keeping fingers crossed for you!

Ashley, Cash is very cute and you do a great job with a flat iron. I'm another with wavy/curly hair and sometimes I sort of flat iron it but have a hard time with the back also. I'm even thinking of seeing if I can teach DH how to get that back spot for me.

Chrissy, how often do you get your hair cut? I have pretty long hair, it's maybe 4-5 inches above the waist right now and I think it's in pretty great shape. My stylist a few weeks ago saw me looking the books while I was waiting and said, "if you are going short you need to find someone else to cut it because I can't do it". It takes a while to get hair in good condition...sucked because I lost about half my hair after surgery and when it started to grow in again, I had these ends sticking out. I had to get layers for a while to hide the regrowth and I had to keep it closer to my shoulders.
Now what I do is not color yet, use a heat protecting spray before flat ironing or using a curling iron or blower dryer. I do not wash daily, I do not flat iron daily and I actually rarely use a blower dryer and let my hair air dry. I use a conditioner but not on the bangs or roots. And I get a trim every 7-8 weeks....I think that is so key because she gets the split ends right away.

[demigraf]

, bridget. Sometimes I feel like a walking social faux pas (well, at work, mainly). And then I get a little irritated that there's such a thing as unspoken rules of etiquette and - worse yet - professional politicking in the first place. Did I mean what I say and say what I mean? Was I considerate? OK, then. What more do you need? I'm sure I broke all sorts of "codes" with our wedding too, but whatever. We were sincere and made sure we all had a good time. If your friend really did weird out on you for your harmless little text question, then maybe she's just not that "worth it".

kate, been thinking about your comments about introverts being fine in a group or onstage, bet less comfortable one-on-one, and that's totally me. If I'm in an unfamiliar threesome (socially, guys. get your secular heads out of the gutter. ) and one person walks away, I am suddenly thinking "oh crap. what do I say to this peraon now?" I am terrible with small talk. I feel like I'm missing that gene. Luckily, I figured out that just asking a people questions about themselves is a good way to get past the awkwardness.

Mandy --- whoo hoo!!!! SO exciting! Does that mean he's coming in days? Weeks? Sorry if I'm asking stuff you can't reveal.

chrissy, I know you know this, but the househunting process is an emotional game, so I'll repeat what a friend told me about the home-buying process. It's a good idea not to get too attached to any one house. There are a lot of factors outside your control, so it's somewhat like getting attached to the idea of winning a game of chance. The housing market isn't so much a lakefront of possibilities as it is a river of opportunities that flows by you. One may pass you by, but another opportunity (and then another and another) will show up before you know it. You'll get the home you wish for.

Ash, LOVE the cut!

[daylilies]

kate, been thinking about your comments about introverts being fine in a group or onstage, bet less comfortable one-on-one, and that's totally me. If I'm in an unfamiliar threesome (socially, guys. get your secular heads out of the gutter. ) and one person walks away, I am suddenly thinking "oh crap. what do I say to this peraon now?" I am terrible with small talk. I feel like I'm missing that gene. Luckily, I figured out that just asking a people questions about themselves is a good way to get past the awkwardness.

Yes, that happens to me too in a group of more than one. If it goes down to me and one other, I panic. I feel like I'm holding an interview. "So...have you lived here long?" Ugh. I listen to myself talk and I wouldn't want to be friends with me.

[AmeriBrit]

I'm so happy for you, Mandy! Is your DH coming home for good or is it just another leave for now?

Last hair post from me, I promise! I wanted to share with y'all what it looks like in it's natural wavy state (well, with a little help of the flat iron to smooth it out a bit!) It is a work of art getting the hair straight in the back, but I've seemed to get it right after years of practice.

[Ky'sMom]

Your hair is really cute Ash!!

I am kind of a hair fanatic, especially curly hair. I won't make all you ladies suffer through too many of my ramblings on haircare but I must ask Chrissy, if you have tried co-washing. Just using conditioner to wash your hair without baking soda. Conditioner has cleaning agents and is gentler on your hair than shampoo. After I started co-washing (and after I cut a few inches off my hair) I no longer have split end problems anymore. Almost my whole head of hair was split IMO for a while. If you want extra cleaning, you can use a clarifying conditioner, which has extra cleaning ingredients and is what you should use after swimming to get chemicals out of your hair. I use herbal essences to co-wash, hello hydration, which keeps my hair really healthy and not dry. I have severely dry hair though so you may not want to use that depending on the texture, but if you have curly dry hair, then it would probably work for you since curly hair needs more moiture anyway.

Erin

[missychrissy]

Chrissy, how often do you get your hair cut? I have pretty long hair, it's maybe 4-5 inches above the waist right now and I think it's in pretty great shape. My stylist a few weeks ago saw me looking the books while I was waiting and said, "if you are going short you need to find someone else to cut it because I can't do it". It takes a while to get hair in good condition...sucked because I lost about half my hair after surgery and when it started to grow in again, I had these ends sticking out. I had to get layers for a while to hide the regrowth and I had to keep it closer to my shoulders.
Now what I do is not color yet, use a heat protecting spray before flat ironing or using a curling iron or blower dryer. I do not wash daily, I do not flat iron daily and I actually rarely use a blower dryer and let my hair air dry. I use a conditioner but not on the bangs or roots. And I get a trim every 7-8 weeks....I think that is so key because she gets the split ends right away.

All hair texture is different and I simply have fine, thin hair. It's sensitive to just about anything. I know it needs a cut, but if I had it trimmed every 7-8 weeks it simply wouldn't grow. My hair grows painfully slow as it is. My goal is to get a good cut and find a regime that works without destroying my hair in the process so I can hopefully go longer than 8 weeks between trims.

chrissy, I know you know this, but the househunting process is an emotional game, so I'll repeat what a friend told me about the home-buying process. It's a good idea not to get too attached to any one house. There are a lot of factors outside your control, so it's somewhat like getting attached to the idea of winning a game of chance. The housing market isn't so much a lakefront of possibilities as it is a river of opportunities that flows by you. One may pass you by, but another opportunity (and then another and another) will show up before you know it. You'll get the home you wish for.

I know, and I do have other houses in mind to look at, but I'm going all for our first choice house now. Once it's sold to someone else or we hit the final brick wall then we'll move on. There's one house in particular that we both feel right now we could be happy in, but the location isn't as great as our first choice house.

I am kind of a hair fanatic, especially curly hair. I won't make all you ladies suffer through too many of my ramblings on haircare but I must ask Chrissy, if you have tried co-washing. Just using conditioner to wash your hair without baking soda. Conditioner has cleaning agents and is gentler on your hair than shampoo. After I started co-washing (and after I cut a few inches off my hair) I no longer have split end problems anymore. Almost my whole head of hair was split IMO for a while. If you want extra cleaning, you can use a clarifying conditioner, which has extra cleaning ingredients and is what you should use after swimming to get chemicals out of your hair. I use herbal essences to co-wash, hello hydration, which keeps my hair really healthy and not dry. I have severely dry hair though so you may not want to use that depending on the texture, but if you have curly dry hair, then it would probably work for you since curly hair needs more moiture anyway.

Erin

I would consider than, but my hair is uber sensitive to conditioner. If I use a normal one, it looks greasy. Panteen or any of the 'deep conditioning' conditioners on the market are simply too heavy for my hair.

Last night I mixed up a batch of egg whites and mayonnaise. This is the best my hair has felt in years, so my tentative plan is to get a good cut and do this treatment once a week.

[Bridget]

Thanks Myles. I know this woman and I have almost nothing in common and she has actually made comments to me before that I found to be very racially offensive so I don't really like her at all. I just feel bad that I know Savana would have enjoyed herself. But she doesn't even know she missed it so no harm done.
I'm so excited to join this homeschool group so we can have regular outings and hopefully make some like minded friends. When I told Mark about it he said, "Well before you commit let's make sure they aren't weird hippies." I was like Um. Dude. I LOVE weird hippies! I guess this is why when I go to meet up with my friends I leave him at home.
I really liked that the woman did say, "Just so you know we are a really laid back bunch and we really like for the kids to just play and be kids. And we have no religious affiliation at all. It's important to us."
Cool.
And I hate my hair too. Mine is straight but not smooth unless I straighten it. It just doesn't lay nicely and flips out on one side and under on the other.