Secular Confessions

[AmeriBrit]

Bridget, are they just asking your dad or everyone in the church for money? I wouldn't like that either. My mom gives quite a bit of money to her church for people to do missionary trips but I guess that's different since they go to help poor people.

[missychrissy]

Chrissy, I think it's hard when you are the main person in charge of most of the household finances and/or household decisions. Then when when you make a major decision like buying a house, you (who has been making all of the decisions and carrying all of the weight the whole time) without any warning, suddenly not only are you getting input, but completely unexpected, out-of-left-field, sort-of-uninformed, and certainly-not-in-complete-accordance-with-what-you-would-have-chosen input. But of course it happens with the major decisions, because that's when it becomes more important and the whatever, I don't care, she can paint the bathroom pink if she wants attitude (while quite nice to have sometimes in a dh) steps back and the more important things like I might live in this house 20 years or more and I want to make sure the roof lasts and my neighbors don't suck attitude takes precedence. Also nice, although it can be a little jolting if you don't expect it and were hoping to just have everything go exactly the way you planned.

I'm sure there's a lot of truth to that, but I'd be ok with his input about the what-if's if it weren't always in a negative context. Like when I was discussing our top limit of what I felt comfortable spending, then quickly said, "But of course we don't know how much we'll be approved for" he piped back with, "Yeah, Chad just got approved for 70,000."

It was as if he really thought that's all we'd get approved for. Chad is young, single, has no credit history, and makes just what my husband does. I make more than my husband...we'll get more than 70,000.

If he keeps it up, I'm going to give it all to him and just let him deal with it. He can call the Realtor and mortgage broker himself.

[missychrissy]

Bridget, I find that appalling and it does sound like they've befriended him more for their own financial gain than just to be a friend.

Unfortunately, most churches do operate like that. If you don't have money, sure they'll help, but the ones they're 'buddy buddy' with and going to lunch with are the ones with the money and the generosity. It's sickening.

[daylilies]

He gets freakishly annoyed that I don't like the same tropical fruits that he does

I'm sorry but I can't stop laughing.

[daylilies]

I also wanted to say to Chrissy about Rich's picking everything apart about the houses, is that he might not be 100% behind the decision. When I wasn't sure I wanted to buy a house I was pretty negative and resistant about it. Does he have any doubts about it that you know of?

I'm excited because I'm taking what's called a servsafe test soon. It's all about food safety and has a ton of information. I just finished the online class. I was stressing about studying, but when I found someone to proctor my exam I found out that she also helps you study! She has a 5 year old daughter and I'm taking Josh over there tomorrow to meet with her and Josh can have a playdate at the same time!
My former boss recommended her to me and she has been really nice through the few e mails we've exchanged and I'm really stoked that she does study sessions.
I made tacos for lunch and Josh is eating all the lettuce shreds off both our plates, LOL
I'm not a big fan of eating in front of the tv but I have to say he is a better eater when we do it!

[missychrissy]

How exciting Kate! I'm sure you'll do very well and Josh is going to have a great time!

I did ask Rich that very thing last night, and he assured me that he definitely wants to buy a house. Neither one of us have been keen on being renters, and he wasn't totally on board with my plan to move where we are now when I first suggested it. One of our mutual goals was to become homeowners as soon as possible again...so I'm not sure where all this animosity is coming from.

Except-it's possible that he resents me even talking to him about it. When I say that I make all the decisions, I make all the decisions. Constantly. After he agreed that moving out of our old house and filing chapter 7 would be beneficial to us, I did all the searching and was the one that went to look at our current house. He never even saw it till the day he went to sign the papers for it. I think the less he has to worry, the happier he is.

When we first moved here, we intended on renting with option to buy at the end of 3 years. After we were here for a little over a year, we both started feeling like it wasn't the place for us at all. Now I'm afraid of making another poor choice and I feel like I need his help with this decision, so I'm talking to him more about it.

I also think he's worried about getting his hopes up and then having the broker tell us she can't help us at this time. Neither of us have a clue what we'll do then, because the idea of spending another year here, in this school district, makes me sick.

[daylilies]

I know what you mean--DH always says I'm the one who is hard to make happy so I have to make a lot of decisions. And I hate making decisions! LOL
I've not always made the best choices, but I've found that even making a decision that doesn't turn out for the best is better than doing nothing. And I have to say that some of the mistakes I've made have turned out to be the most interesting stories

[missychrissy]

We both really want our next house to be 'it' for at least 30 years (till we retire). Depending on where the kids are and what our finances are, we will either sell that home and buy an RV (class A) or simply buy one outright and keep the house for summers and to leave to the kids.

As far as I know, we have the big things in our life planned out. If he's having second thoughts or wanting to try something else, I wish he'd just come out and tell me. Even if he's just considering something, I wish he'd say what it is.

[missychrissy]

Since we want to be there for 30 years, I feel a lot of pressure to pick a good one.

[Cosmosmom]

Mine's favorite word is "scared". He makes the money decisions usually but only to the extent if we can afford it or not. I do ALL the planning for everything. Even though he's super picky about decorating....I still did the planning and would narrow things down to my top couple choices and than see which he liked.

I'm still annoyed that he left house or adoption up to me and just said pick one. So I did....and now I'm picking the other. At least now we have a really nice cute house to put in the profile....before our townhouse was ok for a rental but yeah it wasn't all that cute.

So last night he caught a story on nightline before leaving about a young kid out of control because of bipolar disorder and was on lithium. Than they talk about how he was adopted as an infant.....OMG I try to usually hide "bad" adoption stories from him. So he leaves for work saying scared scared scared. And I have to try to go to sleep thinking that he is going to try to back out of our plans.
We talked when he got home this morning and he couldn't believe I lost sleep over that. He says he's not going to back out on me....that he was scared to get a house and woah look at that we are in our house. And he was scared to get married....and look at that, it will be 8 years this year.
He wants a kid, he's know I have always wanted one and we have always planned for one....and biological or not, I know he's going to be scared.

I already know that doing all the work for the adoption will be on me....he will sign his name and answer questions but I know I will be filling out the forms, doing the profiles, doing all the planning.

But he does clean the bathrooms!

[missychrissy]

But he does clean the bathrooms!

That is so Rich! He's scrubbing our fridge tomorrow!

Adoption stories can be scary, but those that stem from medical conditions could happen to anyone. Sure, bipolar disorder can be genetically inherited, but there are plenty of people with that dx that have no family history of it.

[Cosmosmom]

Since we want to be there for 30 years, I feel a lot of pressure to pick a good one.

Just take your time and don't rush anything. Took longer to get a house than I had planned for but I'm glad I held out for what I really wanted. We basically plan to die in that house unless we HAVE to move for job reasons. We even decided that if we ever won the lottery, we would almost certainly would stay here and just upgraded a few things like kitchen counters and finished off the basement nicely.

I really think that you just get this feeling when you know it's it for you. I got the feeling when I walked into the house a few down on my street and since it was within our time frame (I had just signed a year lease at that point) and it was actually within our budget, we decided to build one pretty close to that one....if time hadn't been an issue or if there wasn't a lot available, I would have bought that one.

[Cosmosmom]

That is so Rich! He's scrubbing our fridge tomorrow!

Adoption stories can be scary, but those that stem from medical conditions could happen to anyone. Sure, bipolar disorder can be genetically inherited, but there are plenty of people with that dx that have no family history of it.

I know. I mean at least we know what sort of conditions tend to run in our families so you have more an idea what to expect. But as far as we know only my sister and I have the skin condition in our families....so you don't ever really know.

But yeah if I was to get pg, I'm sure he would be scared about me dying in labor or something.
He's just NOT a risk taker (though he likes to gamble...but only set amounts he knows can lose) and tends to worry.
I'm the family optimist.

[AmeriBrit]

My druggy cousin has never been found. He was last seen on 4th Nov. He hasn't picked up any of his unemployment money, hasn't spoken to his ex-wife or any other person. It's not like him to just disappear, so it's looking like he either was killed or killed himself...my mom says the police aren't doing much to look for him. The last few times that my mom had seen him, she said he'd joke about going out somewhere to find a spot to hang himself. I'm really sad for my family, especially my aunt-she lost her youngest son when he was only 2 in an accident.

[daylilies]

My druggy cousin has never been found. He was last seen on 4th Nov. He hasn't picked up any of his unemployment money, hasn't spoken to his ex-wife or any other person. It's not like him to just disappear, so it's looking like he either was killed or killed himself...my mom says the police aren't doing much to look for him. The last few times that my mom had seen him, she said he'd joke about going out somewhere to find a spot to hang himself. I'm really sad for my family, especially my aunt-she lost her youngest son when he was only 2 in an accident.

Oh, that is so sad. Why aren't the police doing much to look for him? He has a family who needs closure.

[missychrissy]

My druggy cousin has never been found. He was last seen on 4th Nov. He hasn't picked up any of his unemployment money, hasn't spoken to his ex-wife or any other person. It's not like him to just disappear, so it's looking like he either was killed or killed himself...my mom says the police aren't doing much to look for him. The last few times that my mom had seen him, she said he'd joke about going out somewhere to find a spot to hang himself. I'm really sad for my family, especially my aunt-she lost her youngest son when he was only 2 in an accident.

I was just wondering about that the other day, then forgot to ask. I'm so sorry.

[demigraf]

...when you are the main person in charge of most of the household finances and/or household decisions. Then when when you make a major decision like buying a house, you (who has been making all of the decisions and carrying all of the weight the whole time) without any warning, suddenly not only are you getting input, but completely unexpected, out-of-left-field, sort-of-uninformed, and certainly-not-in-complete-accordance-with-what-you-would-have-chosen input. ... Also nice, although it can be a little jolting if you don't expect it and were hoping to just have everything go exactly the way you planned.

I have a name for this. It's called The Swoop-and-Poop, and I don't get this just from my DH, but also from people I've worked with. It's when you do all the legwork and research on everyone's behalf, and they all have every opportunity to give their input when it would have been helpful and timely, and eased my workload. Instead they come in at the last second with their objections and never-seen-before criteria, making you have to redo what you spent so much time on and think is a done deal. Very frustrating!

[Gwenn]

My druggy cousin has never been found. He was last seen on 4th Nov. He hasn't picked up any of his unemployment money, hasn't spoken to his ex-wife or any other person. It's not like him to just disappear, so it's looking like he either was killed or killed himself...my mom says the police aren't doing much to look for him. The last few times that my mom had seen him, she said he'd joke about going out somewhere to find a spot to hang himself. I'm really sad for my family, especially my aunt-she lost her youngest son when he was only 2 in an accident.

I am so sorry. How heartbreaking for your aunt.

[demigraf]

My druggy cousin has never been found. He was last seen on 4th Nov. He hasn't picked up any of his unemployment money, hasn't spoken to his ex-wife or any other person. It's not like him to just disappear, so it's looking like he either was killed or killed himself...my mom says the police aren't doing much to look for him. The last few times that my mom had seen him, she said he'd joke about going out somewhere to find a spot to hang himself. I'm really sad for my family, especially my aunt-she lost her youngest son when he was only 2 in an accident.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I had an a friend who did hang himself in a state park. I truly hope we won't have that in common.

[Bridget]

My druggy cousin has never been found. He was last seen on 4th Nov. He hasn't picked up any of his unemployment money, hasn't spoken to his ex-wife or any other person. It's not like him to just disappear, so it's looking like he either was killed or killed himself...my mom says the police aren't doing much to look for him. The last few times that my mom had seen him, she said he'd joke about going out somewhere to find a spot to hang himself. I'm really sad for my family, especially my aunt-she lost her youngest son when he was only 2 in an accident.

I'm so sorry.

[missychrissy]

My broker called when I was on the bus and I didn't hear the phone. She left a somewhat confusing message, but the gist of it is that she says our credit reports looked great and that we shouldn't have any trouble qualifying for a house in a certain range, maybe more depending on taxes. The amount she said is about 30,000 less than our current 1st choice so I'm not sure if we'll get that one, but the 2nd choice isn't a bad option and is definitely under the amount she quoted.

So now I guess we have to get an official qualification, but we're actually starting to look at houses! Rich was really relieved when I had him listen to that message. I suspect 1/2 of his negativity from last night was just fear we wouldn't be approved.

[Bridget]

Makes sense, Chrissy. Men are such scaredy cats and since they can't admit it, they just act like arses instead.
I'm excited for you guys!

[Gwenn]

Rich was really relieved when I had him listen to that message. I suspect 1/2 of his negativity from last night was just fear we wouldn't be approved.

I'm sure you're right.

Congrats on starting the home buying process again!

[3andMe]

All the secular news from my corner:

When we were at the Natural History Museum in Santa Barbara, Claire started crying because of all the extinct animals. She was really upset because they didn't exist any more, and wanted to know exactly why they died off.

Dh thinks Claire is a budding creationist, because she is insistent that people are not animals, whereas Ronin is perfectly willing to accept that people are one kind of animal.

My mom said that when she was babysitting the other day, some people came to the door with religious tracts, and she was able to distract them by showing them the spider in our window.

[Cosmosmom]

Chrissy, it might be a good idea to try going to a few banks too just to see what they would say. We went to four banks and got different responses from them....our own bank wouldn't even work with us with less than 20% down. The local credit union only asked for 10% down (since we were building, they all see it as a little bigger risk and it was more complicated because we had a construction loan and 3 closings). We had about 15-16% down. The PMI with the credit union was also about half of what the regular banks asked for.

We went with the credit union and even switched all our banking to them....we liked them THAT much better.

[missychrissy]

I'm doing all the financial stuff through the broker, that's why I contacted her. With a BK on our credit, I wanted someone with experience that could help us with this and I especially didn't want to go willy-nilly to a multitude of banks applying on my own.

She has years of experience and a great reputation. If she says we look like we're in great shape, I believe her. She has one particular loan program in mind that she says we're perfect for, so we're going to try that one first. We'll get prequalified first, and if I feel it's necessary I might shop around for a better rate somewhere else, but I'm not going to do it first and have a bunch of inquiries on my credit.

Lydia, to Claire. How sweet of her to care so much for the extinct animals. She's right, it is sad.

[Bridget]

Lydia, Savana and Claire would be great friends. Savana started crying a few nights ago when she asked me if honey bees were endangered and I said yes. The only way I could comfort her was to promise her that in the spring we would go visit my bee keeper girlfriend so she could learn all about how to take care of them.

I am getting ready to order a homeschool kindergarten curriculum through the Waldorf Intitute. I noticed a few references to God in different forms when I looked through some of the sample pages. But on the questionnaire that I filled out to register it did specifically ask if I had any religious beliefs that I'd like to mention so that they could put together a curriculum that fits my family so I'm excited to see what they come up with. They are supposed to call me on Monday to discuss.

[daylilies]

That sounds awesome Bridget!
So I went to the woman's house to study for the servsafe test, and after we went over a few things she said "Okay so, I can set you up for the test here..." I panicked and stammered about not being prepared to take the test today. She basically talked me into it after we reviewed some more and I passed with flying colors. The class is ridiculously information-heavy, but the test is very common sense.
Josh had a great time with her daughter, plus she had a 3 month old girl who was adorable.

[Gwenn]

Congrats, Kate!!!

[3andMe]

Good job! I know you were nervous about it.