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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #15871

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    I confess I'm gonna become the office compost police. People here are doing it wrong. LOL.

  2. #15872
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    I confess I'm gonna become the office compost police. People here are doing it wrong. LOL.
    Excellent mission!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  3. #15873
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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    We are very tentatively looking at property on the Big Island of Hawaii.
    I started to have some wishy washy feelings for dbf the other night when I though about how he moved us here with his life savings even though wisconsin is the last place he'd ever choose to live. If he hadn't done that, I'd never have gotten to spend my mom's last years with her. Of course we had no idea we'd lose her so quickly. I mean for all of his crap qualities, he gave up everything he knew and saved his whole life to buy a house over here and that was all for me.
    I think the idea of being here for the rest of his life must be pretty terrifying to him. He's so out of his element. So anyway, I suggested that he look into selling his condo on Oahu and looking for something in the country on the Big Island where we could farm and homeschool and live a simple country life. He is STOKED that I would even consider it. So he's dabbling around and looking at properties...like 5 minutes after I said it.

    I'm not talking about soon, but a few years down the line maybe. I made sure to say that several times. I'm not leaving my dad any time soon. I'd love it if he came with us but he won't go anywhere anytime soonn And if dbf finds something perfect for us, it will be easy to rent as a vacation rental until we make the move.
    You know, for all the negative things you have said about your DBF, this really does speak volumes. And it might explain some of his negative emotions as well.

    But I agree, you should take your dad with you. He's amazing!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  4. #15874
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    That sounds really fun, Bridget! I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. I guess when the kids get older, we'll try to go.

    Chrissy, good luck with the house buying; it's such a big process, it nearly drove me crazy selling our house and buying the one we're in now!

  5. #15875

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    So I know this is not a big deal, but it's just eating away at me. I can't help it. LOL
    Today I was putting away a coat in a closet we don't usually use (we had one warm day so I had taken out a light coat and I was putting it away this morning) and I found a bunch of Josh's winter stuff that I had been looking for forever. I'm always scrounging around for his hat and stuff and here I found like 6 more that I thought he had lost. I mentioned it to DH and he said "oh yeah, I knew they were there." So how come he never told me? All those days when I sent Josh out in my hat, or his gloves that are really meant for gardening because I couldn't find the right ones. DH knew about all that. And he knew the other stuff was in that closet. Why did the communication shut down? I don't understand it.
    All I wanted out of him was Sorry or "I don't know why I didn't think to tell you" but all he did was get defensive and he just kept saying "I figured you put them away for a reason." Well maybe, but when I needed them, why didn't you remind me about them? He just let me struggle and search all those days while he looked on. Why do I have to feel alienated from my own husband?
    Yes folks, this is the stuff that bothers me.

  6. #15876
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    Demigraf, I love love LOVE your new siggy picture with Bodhi. Love it!

    Chrissy, your house questions are too complex for me and I think it really depends on the microclimate (micromarkets?) of where you're offering, and even the individual house. There are no hard-and-fast rules for offering below market value now, for example. I would suggest (even though Demigraf suggested otherwise) to get a really good, experienced realtor who will want you to get the house and will have the expertise to help you offer the appropriate price for it. I have had bad realtors and good realtors on my side, and I could tell a huge difference. Granted, that was in a very competetive market, but the experienced ones will have a much better idea what offers will be accepted and what you are more likely to be able to ask for and get in the negotiation phases. Now I have a less experienced realtor because she's a friend, but I told her that my rule was we had to have an experienced one consult with us along the way. No winging it.

    Bridget, it's been a while since I responded in here, because I keep having just a few minutes to read and no time to write and because I'm a little wacky (I'm recovering from meningitis right now and I'm on steroids), but I have to say I loved your TMI story about giving your underwear to the pub crawl guy and ending up being pregnant with his third child.
    Last edited by 3andMe; 01-06-2011 at 09:00 AM.


  7. #15877

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    I hope you're feeling better soon Lydia!

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    So I know this is not a big deal, but it's just eating away at me. I can't help it. LOL
    Today I was putting away a coat in a closet we don't usually use (we had one warm day so I had taken out a light coat and I was putting it away this morning) and I found a bunch of Josh's winter stuff that I had been looking for forever. I'm always scrounging around for his hat and stuff and here I found like 6 more that I thought he had lost. I mentioned it to DH and he said "oh yeah, I knew they were there." So how come he never told me? All those days when I sent Josh out in my hat, or his gloves that are really meant for gardening because I couldn't find the right ones. DH knew about all that. And he knew the other stuff was in that closet. Why did the communication shut down? I don't understand it.
    All I wanted out of him was Sorry or "I don't know why I didn't think to tell you" but all he did was get defensive and he just kept saying "I figured you put them away for a reason." Well maybe, but when I needed them, why didn't you remind me about them? He just let me struggle and search all those days while he looked on. Why do I have to feel alienated from my own husband?
    Yes folks, this is the stuff that bothers me.
    I think it's a big deal and I'd be furious. Rich has done similar things in the past and I told him all about it. I hate when people make excuses and get defensive. Everyone does everything they do for a reason-it doesn't make it a good reason. At some point, each and every one of us has to say, "I'm sorry" and just leave it at that...no excuses, no trying to turn it around on someone else. It's taking responsibility and acknowledging that although we had a reason to do what we did, it wasn't a good reason. By making excuses, he's not showing any indication he'll behave differently next time. If I were you, that would make me feel very alone. Relationships are supposed to be about partnership. It wouldn't have killed him to say, "Do you remember putting them in the closet? I thought I saw them there."

    Now I'm heated at him on your behalf.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  9. #15879
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    Oh, and I did get a buyer's Realtor. We're meeting the 15th.

    I've decided we'll offer what we think the house is worth and even if that means we paid more for ours than someone down the street, oh well. I'm not going to pay more than I can afford and I want to make sure I get the house I want. I wouldn't want to low-ball someone and have the next person get it. That would be worse than paying 10-20,000 more. If it's my dream house, I'm going to be willing to pay for it.

    Now, to find my dream house. I'm so picky and want so much that I'm a little worried we'll never find it.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  10. #15880

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    Aw, I'm already over it Chrissy Thanks for understanding though. I feel like I have to put a disclaimer about being oversensitive at the beginning of my rants because DH just makes me feel like I fly off the handle about everything. It's good to feel like maybe I'm not losing my mind and nitpicking, as he puts it.
    This house was one of the first three we looked at. We saw a really weird house that could have been great but needed a lot of work. We saw this house right after that one, so we were a little nonplussed at its normality, LOL
    When we came back and looked at it another day we really liked it. We had made lists and lists of the things that were important in the order of their importance, things we could live without, pros and cons of each area we were looking at. We ended up raising our price range because we weren't finding anything we liked in our original range. (we aimed low, to start)

  11. #15881
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    He does that just so he doesn't have to hear it. You're valid in your feelings. Try not to let him change the subject or attempt to make you feel bad for feeling the way you do when things go wrong.

    I'm glad to hear you made lists and lists too. I was doing that and feeling like I was severely limiting my options by putting so much down. But you found yours in just 3 looks, so I'm really hopeful now!

    I was also going to ask if it was ok to ask to look at a house a 2nd time and you answered that for me. I was laying in bed last night wondering about that. If the sellers are still living there, I'm sure it's a pita for them, but then again, if they want to sell their home I guess they'll vacate for the hour or so it takes for a 2nd look

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  12. #15882

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    There was nobody really living here when we looked at it. It was being rented to college kids, but they were gone, and the seller's sister was staying here for a couple days or something but she wasn't around when we came. The first time we saw it was by appt. and the second time was an open house, IIRC. It's funny how these details are fuzzy already! It was only a year and a half ago.

  13. #15883
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    We probably looked at over 50 houses but many were open houses. I still go to them sometimes....well at least the ones in my neighborhood if I can just to get decorating ideas and well I'm just nosey. LOL

    So this was our list....ranch house. We really wanted ranch and many here are bi-level (which we considered and the one we did offer on was a bi) or multilevel which we hate. And 2 story was out for sure after living in a townhouse for 3 years....stairs got old.
    3 bedrooms though 4 would have been ok too
    2 bathrooms
    good sized tub since we both like a bath to relax sometimes
    not much work needed because are not handy
    Good kitchen with lots of counter space
    A master bedroom that was big enough for our furniture (only a queen bed but we have two big dressers....seriously our furniture was a big reason why many homes did not work and it was expensive and I love it so we were not getting rid of it)
    A decent sized yard
    City water
    Either south or west side of town....I don't know anything about the north side and it's not easy to get to work from the north side and I didn't want to be more than 10-15 minutes from our jobs
    A big picture window in the living room and the living room had to be at the front of the house (that was DH's request).
    Cute curb appeal....again that was DH's.....he cares deeply about curb appeal.
    2 car garage (not 3 because DH hates when the whole front of the house is garage).
    Look out windows in the basement
    Unfinished basement (DH really wanted that...most we saw were finished but not professionally). If we ever need to finish ours, we will have it done professionally to match the upstairs.
    No vaulted ceilings....we just don't like them and think that they are a waste of energy and too expensive to paint.
    No totally open floor plans...just didn't want to see dirty dishes while I'm trying to watch TV.
    Oh and we didn't want the house too big or too small. Just didn't want to pay a huge energy bill and for the two of us and a future child...our 1451 sq feet is perfect.

    So yeah we started looking at older homes that were like 120-130 range...all had bedrooms too small for our stuff. Than got up in the 150-170 range and saw places that would work fine and we liked well enough EXCEPT they were mostly bi-levels that DH didn't like and/or they were beige and DH hates beige homes. Than we said if we were going to pay that much, might as well go up a bit more and get exactly what we wanted. We ended up taking two of the builders plans and combining the two with the stuff we liked until we got our plan. I also made sure that he put enough in for allowances for things like light fixtures and flooring. I knew it would be more expensive just because we had to get blinds, appliances, landscaping.....but before we added those, for the house and land we came out at 182K. I just LOVE my home and am really happy with all the choices we made. After living there of course there are a few things I would change looking back but it's not all that much.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  14. #15884
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    We went back to a couple of homes more than once....especially the one we put the offer on and the one that we saw with our builder that was close to the one we built to let him know what we liked and didn't but of course nobody was living there (or the one we put the offer on).

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  15. #15885
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    Uggg stupid machines not coming with instruction manuals. I have a new really cool printer/copier/scanner/fax machine....but no instructions and it's taking a while to figure out how to use it and their "help" isn't always the most helpful.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    You should be able to get help on the manufacturer's web site. And the manual will be on the installation CD if anyone has that laying around.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  17. #15887
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    So I was trying to scan multiple pages to email. I'm used to just keep on scanning until done and hit done.
    This one, nope, it will send it after the first scan unless you do job build after you enter in the email address. After enough playing around, I got that figured out. Took a while to figure out how to dial out for faxing too......
    I'm still trying to get IS to let me have admin over it so I can delete emails when people accidently add them to the address book (very easy to do)....we are open to the public so get one time users (while say waiting for family in surgery or something).

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    I don't know if we're going to survive home seeking if today is any indication of how stressed out and touchy we can be. I'm sure it's more me, but it seemed like everything Rich had to offer was a negative. When I mentioned that I still hadn't heard from our mortgage broker and I was worried about that and that I was anxious to know the prequalification amount, he said his cousin (early, early 20's, single, makes $12/hour or so) was only approved for 70,000. I couldn't help it, I got annoyed. It was his tone and how it was send in the conversation...I was like, "So you think we'll only be approved for 70,000?" We're older, married, and make a hecuvalot more than him!

    That wasn't the only thing. I found a house that seems just about perfect and he seemed really into it, then suddenly talked about how far he'd have to drive to go hunting. The next thing I know he's grilling me about how much it is, how much the payments will be...yadda yadda yadda. He was just picking my budget apart. He gives me 2/3 of his paycheck and has no clue what our budget is, how much I bring home, what groceries cost or any of our other bills. He might be able to tell you what our current rent payment is, but that's it. Now he's giving me budgeting advice?

    And I only said "I will not buy any house in Candor, no matter what" and he snapped at me and said, "so I guess our only option is to live in Owego?" Um, no. I've been looking at and talking about houses in Tioga Hills district, Owego, Tioga Center, Sayre/Athens, PA, and even Waverly (although Waverly may be as bad as Candor). Where is this coming from?

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  19. #15889
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    Ugh, Chrissy. Maybe he's scared?

    And Lydia, glad to see you posting again as well.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  20. #15890
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    could you sit down and write out the budget and show it to him? It really helped me since I am not the one who pays the bills.
    It is stressful to buy a house and think about everything that goes along with it. We were so back and forth on the whole thing for years and made all sorts of pro/cons list. And than I was supposed to pick between house and adoption and picked the house...and not even a year later I'm back on adoption (which annoys him and he was saying he was feeling tricked...though he knows not to say it anymore after a few meltdowns this month including a dozy on new years eve....so we are back on once the money is in place).

    when do you see the mortgage broker? Could you also try the credit union? I would almost think that there would be one as part of your job....do you know what your credit scores are?
    I think that is the biggest thing for getting approval....credit scores/what you make/and what other kinds of debt do you have.

    I know nothing of your areas...but that sounds like you are open to a pretty big area for house hunting....just try to not fall in love with homes too much until you know it's going to be yours!

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  21. #15891
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    could you sit down and write out the budget and show it to him? It really helped me since I am not the one who pays the bills.
    It is stressful to buy a house and think about everything that goes along with it. We were so back and forth on the whole thing for years and made all sorts of pro/cons list. And than I was supposed to pick between house and adoption and picked the house...and not even a year later I'm back on adoption (which annoys him and he was saying he was feeling tricked...though he knows not to say it anymore after a few meltdowns this month including a dozy on new years eve....so we are back on once the money is in place).

    when do you see the mortgage broker? Could you also try the credit union? I would almost think that there would be one as part of your job....do you know what your credit scores are?
    I think that is the biggest thing for getting approval....credit scores/what you make/and what other kinds of debt do you have.

    I know nothing of your areas...but that sounds like you are open to a pretty big area for house hunting....just try to not fall in love with homes too much until you know it's going to be yours!

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  22. #15892
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    DH just told me on skype he is taking an online music appreciation class, not for credit, to see if maybe he wanted to take that for credit. Since my mother had a music degree, I was brought up reading music and playing and majored in music myself although I later changed my major.

    So DH started telling me that all these terms were difficult and confusing for him. Then he says he likes music without melody. Like Ravel and Debussy.

    I was thinking Ravel? and Debussy? No melody? So just to make sure I wasn't crazy, I found some Debussy on You-Tube, the song he was talking about, and listened again. Definitely a melody. So I point out that there is very clearly a melody.

    And he says, "No, there's no beat at all."

    I had to point out that "beat" and melody are COMPLETELY different things!!!

    Sometimes I wonder how DH and I ever ended up together. We seriously have almost nothing in common.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  23. #15893
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    Chrissy, I think it's hard when you are the main person in charge of most of the household finances and/or household decisions. Then when when you make a major decision like buying a house, you (who has been making all of the decisions and carrying all of the weight the whole time) without any warning, suddenly not only are you getting input, but completely unexpected, out-of-left-field, sort-of-uninformed, and certainly-not-in-complete-accordance-with-what-you-would-have-chosen input. But of course it happens with the major decisions, because that's when it becomes more important and the whatever, I don't care, she can paint the bathroom pink if she wants attitude (while quite nice to have sometimes in a dh) steps back and the more important things like I might live in this house 20 years or more and I want to make sure the roof lasts and my neighbors don't suck attitude takes precedence. Also nice, although it can be a little jolting if you don't expect it and were hoping to just have everything go exactly the way you planned.


  24. #15894
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    Mandy, the cool thing is that he liked the music, even if he didn't know the terms. And now he's going to learn them. It sounds like you've had several frustrating skyping sessions in a row, or maybe I've just heard about some bad ones, but I know you have to have things in common with him. It doesn't have to be a shared knowledge, though, and in fact different knowledge bases can give you more fodder for conversation in times to come. Things in common can be shared ideologies, interests, hobbies, attitudes, desires, appreciations, tastes, leisure activities, etc.

    Did I ever tell you guys how my dh refused to date women who were not atheists? He wouldn't even date agnostics, because they were too wishy-washy, in his opinion. And then he decided to narrow down the field and only date scientists, and then only hard scientists because 'soft' sciences weren't as analytical (here's a little shout-out to Maggie). Anyway, I guess I was kind of wandering off topic there. I'm just saying you can have a lot in common and still not be completely compatible.

    But anyway, I don't share a ton of my dh's interests. He gets freakishly annoyed that I don't like the same tropical fruits that he does, and I think he takes it as a sign that we are not completely compatible. But we both love traveling, we both like to try new things, we both like to play "diagnose the mental disorder" (without judgment) on random people on public transit, we both share similar philosophies about things from giving back incorrect change to the death penalty and we try to encourage each other to be better people. We both enjoy risk taking behavior, although he thinks I follow the rules too much and I think he follows them too little. I could look at us and outline a zillion things we don't have in common, but find so many ways, big and little, in which we do connect. What I emphasize at the moment probably depends on how close I'm feeling right then, too.


  25. #15895
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydia View Post
    we both like to play "diagnose the mental disorder" (without judgment) on random people on public transit
    First let me say that it's really a shame we don't live near one another. We would have a lot of fun together!

    Seriously, though, thanks for your response. We don't have a lot in common but to a certain extent we have shared values (not completely true but more often than not) and interests. And we do love a good debate, and frequently find ourselves on different sides!

    Like many of us do, I think I tend to post more negative than positive. I wasn't really frustrated in a sense that I'm upset with him - it's more just it threw me and really made me think for a second how different we really are. He's been a way a long time and living without him has become the norm, which is really affecting the way I think about my life right now and I don't think that's a good thing. There's more I could say on that subject but I don't think I want to right now.

    But that said, I haven't posted many of the positives. Like last night we had a fabulous 2 hour chat and since we stayed on the subject of music we are both familiar with we had a rousing good debate that we both love. And I didn't mention the part about how I told him had seen an ad for a limited edition celebrity book written by the celebrity - a collector's item - and I would have loved to have it if it weren't so incredibly expensive. He went and found a copy of it on ebay. He teased me about bidding on it, and I teased back, and then he seriously went and checked our savings account (we've been saving for a kitchen remodel so we have some money set aside) and seriously encouraged me to bid on it because he knew I would love it. I won't - it's way too expensive and I can't justify it - but I absolutely adore him for telling me it would be okay with him to do that.

    I guess it's just easier for all of us to complain sometimes than to share the joys.
    Last edited by Gwenn; 01-06-2011 at 10:35 PM.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  26. #15896
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    No problem, I just wasn't sure if you were venting or if you were really worried about it.

    Remember, my brain is still a little swollen, too. I'm lucky I'm making any sense.


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    I confess my mom is watching Sarah Palin's Alaska, and it is really annoying me for three reasons -
    1 - It makes me miss AK, SOOO much..
    2 - Its Sarah Palin...
    and 3 - Kate Gosslin is on there right now camping AK style and is doing nothing but complain.. I just wanna shoot the danged tv

  28. #15898
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    I've had a week of little sleep and I feel AWFUL. I'm putting the sides back on Travis' crib tonight to see if that helps him to get back to sleeping better. As soon as we took them off, he stopped sleeping through the night and is up 2 to 5 times a night....probably won't help but I'm desperate to try anything.

  29. #15899

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    OMG Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin on one tv show would make me want to poke my eyes out!

    Chrissy, I am sorry that Rich is being difficult. They say that buying a new home is one of the more stressful things a couple can do.

    Gwenn, For sure we shared the bad more than the good around here. I know I do. Especially when it comes to dbf.

    Lydia, you always give really great advice.

    I had dinner with my dad last night. I think I have told you guys how much him and my mom love the church they've been attending pretty much since they found out my brother was gay. They were really attracted to the way the church gave back to the community and have donated quite a bit of money. I don't have numbers but my dad is beyond generous so I'm sure it's been a substantial amount even since my mom died. Last night he expressed to me that for various reasons he is starting to have nagging feelings that they are sort of milking him for more money and that sometimes he wonders if the pastors have "befriended" him (they go to lunch with him sometimes, etc) because of his donations as opposed to just his simple need for companionship after my mom's death. Example being they asked for more money because one of the pastors wants to go on sabbatical and the church cannot currently afford to pay his replacement. Well....sorry but really? If the church cannot afford it then he doesn't go. His first obligation is to his congregation is it not? Would Jesus milk his flock for more money so he could take a spiritual journey?
    It made me so upset to hear that he's having these thoughts. I am very, very skeptical of churches in general and was hoping for him that this one was different. I want to put my dad in a bubble and never let anyone hurt him. I want to punch that church in the face if they are taking advantage of his kindness.

  30. #15900

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    Myles! I love your new siggy too! And, yes, if you were my neighbor in Hawaii that would be beyond lovely.

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