Chrissy, I'm hurting for you. That can't be easy for you to have her contact you like that.
I'm sorry Chrissy She's probably living with the good memories she has of being with you and doesn't realize what a traumatic experience it was for you.
And the thing about girls marrying their fathers...I find myself comparing DH to my dad all the time (even though I have no idea what he's really like with his wife--I don't see him more than 3-4 times a year)
Even though I have a hunch my dad cheated on my mom (it was kept very hush hush around me and still is, but I have hints), I still look up to him. Is that weird?
Chrissy, . If she wanted to reconnect with you, she should have just inquired about how you were doing and let you make the choice to talk about the past or not. I'm sorry she drudged up some painful memories for you.
And I wonder all the time how I ended up with dbf. He couldn't be more different from my dad. He could hardly be more different than me! Truth be told, I've always been attracted to "bad guys" (can you say cliche!) but never actually thought I'd settle down with one. Then again, I never considered my future much at all. I've always just lived day to day. If I'd have thought things through a little more I'd possibly have made different choices.
One day your drinking tequila on a trolley ride around the island of Oahu on Cinco de Mayo and give your underwear to the dude that runs the pub crawl and then all of a sudden you're pregnant with your 3rd child and said guy is still hangin around. (TMI perhaps?)
again Chrissy, especially to the four year old you.
Last edited by Bridget; 01-04-2011 at 08:38 PM.
Last edited by Bridget; 01-04-2011 at 08:37 PM.
chrissy - I have no real sense of what it was like for you, but I wonder if you could try to let your neighbor give you some of her memories? It sounds like it was a really fulfilling time for her to have you there. Maybe if you can experience that time even a little from her perspective, it might soften the bad feelings you have about it.
On the other hand, I know how annoying it is when someone desperately wants a compliment or seems to have some sort of emotional investment in you sharing her opinion. E.g. for whatever reason, my DH wants me to loooove his family as much as he does and asks me these leading questions to get me to say majorly positive things about them. "Isn't [my brother] sooo funny?" "Wasn't that the best time?" I honestly think they're nice and all, but not that wonderful, and I resent that DH doesn't give me the space to come up with my own compliments for them when I genuinely feel like it.
But - sorry for the tangent, chrissy - I hope something positive comes out of any discussion you have with her, even if it's just getting her to drop it.
My midwives are coming over tonight for my home visit. It is getting so CLOSE!
2-That is hysterical!
This is the message she sent me on Facebook:
I only responded with:Do you remember?
I've often wondered if you remember staying with Glen and me for a while. I remember that you showed off your braids in "Show and tell" at school when you were with us. Your teacher called to tell me about it. She was crying! Braids....who knew the meaning of happiness then? Such sweet kids. I hope your time with us was happy. You certainly made me smile!
because I'm nice and don't want to hurt her feelings, but if she contacts me again about any of it I'm blocking her on facebook. Those memories are too hurtful and they're private and I will not bring them out to look at, examine and feel at someone else's whim. I'm very protective of 4/5-year-old me and I try not to let her hurt too much. She's (I've) suffered enough.I vaguely remember that time. I don't remember the braids, but I recall being impressed Glen could stand on his head.
I laid in bed till 2:00 am with tears just falling out of my eyes, feeling stupid for it the whole time. It hurts and knowing that I'm a 35-year-old woman that turned out ok doesn't lessen that pain at all.
Even in the light of day, I think her first message to me is bizarre. She lived next to me until I was 12 years old and this is the only thing she could think of to say?
Last edited by missychrissy; 01-05-2011 at 06:21 AM.
I'm sorry if I sounded grouchy and defensive. I don't mean to be mean...it's just an area that I usually can control and contain but I need to be able to call all the shots on it. I'm selfish about those memories and my emotions but I feel like I earned the right to be. In this regard, I cannot give any of myself to anyone else except my Dad, brother and mother who were all suffering with me at that time.
You don't sound grouchy or defensive. You sound like you're managing your emotions. I'm so sorry her message kept you up and so upset last night.
I'm sorry Chrissy I'm surprised she wasn't more sensitive about bringing it up. Maybe she had a couple too many drinks and was feeling nostalgic and didn't consider how much of a sensitive topic it was for you. Either way it sounds like she isn't the type of person you want in your life (from what you said about her being right wing and judgmental)
Thanks for the support ladies. I can't tell you how much it helps just to have this place to let it all out in. I didn't even tell my husband about her contacting me...not because I don't think he'd be supportive, but if I started bawling in front of him he'd be all helpless and that would make me feel worse.
On a happier note, I spoke with a mortgage broker last night. I decided to go that route because of our bankruptcy on our credit. She can run a report and help me (if I need it) clear things up, and she knows which banks will be more likely to lend to us. She believes we would be eligible for a USDA loan with no money down, but I'm not sure I'll go with that. If we have money to put down I want to just to make our mortgage payments smaller.
I've found some amazing properties and I'm really getting excited about finding a home!! When we start looking, what things should I look out for? What questions should I ask? How much lower is it ok to offer on an asking price? (is offering $20,000 less than asking ok, or too low?). My area (the NY part) recently did a reassessment thing (in 2007 I believe) and everyone was really ticked off about their assessments being so high once it was done. I've seen many houses that are listed for much more than the 2007 assessment and while I know that they don't necessarily have to relate equally, shouldn't they be kinda close? I mean, people are asking sometimes 50-60,000 more than their assessment.
Thanks for any advice you can offer. The last time I bought a house, it was my parents so I am like a newbie with this process.
Last edited by missychrissy; 01-05-2011 at 10:58 AM.
I don't know a lot about the politics of asking prices and offers. I think when we did it we had the inspection and we took into account what needed to be fixed and based our offer on that. The seller was really difficult. She didn't want to budge on anything. She was renting the place to college kids and she had let a lot of maintenance go. It was like pulling teeth just to get her to mow the overgrown lawn before we moved in.
Anyway...think about what's important to you, like I like a lot of natural light, and we got that. How many bathrooms is probably important, with 4 kids. Convenience to shopping, schools, doctors, etc. Do you need space for a w/d, or convenience to a laundromat? Consider the neighborhood, are there kids, or is it older couples, or young couples, etc.
I think 20K below asking price is fair. I would start there. I found that most people selling their homes over-priced them in the original area of the city we were going to move. Some of those houses are still for sale for 50-60K less than what was the original asking price some even 80K less since the market has gone south. Also, I know here that the tax assessors are just trying to make more money of course from property taxes. We have had to have continuous fights/arguments with our assessors, luckily they have lowered our assessed value to more reflect what the house is actually worth.
And so sorry about the lady dredging up old memories. I have had similar interactions on Facebook, especially with my ex-stepfather who sexually molested me when I was 8 years old. I wasn't really upset but wondered how he would have the gall to ask me to be his FB friend and send me a message about wanting to "see my kids." Why the hell would I want someone to see my kids who abused me when I was a kid!! It was just ridiculous.
I had a very difficult time sorting out the abuse when I was a teenager and moving past it and it was just crazy to me that he would try to speak to me when I was very blunt with him and told him to his face to never speak to or acknowledge me again. He is my younger brothers' dad so I do expect to hear of him, but that doesn't mean that I have to have any interactions with him at all and I told him that in a FB message in response to his request. He didn't try to contact me again after that, but who knows he may try to again. I wish I could have had him put in jail but the police said that since my mom never reported it to law enforcement (I'm not going to get into that one!) then it happened to long ago to bring charges now, that was when I was 22 when I was going to file charges. I worry about him doing something to my brothers children when they have children. One of them just had a baby who is 6 months old and I worry about him being around his grandfather.
I hate that any of you beautiful women were abused. It's speaks volume about the content of your characters that you overcame it to become phenomenal mothers.
Do any of you remember the story about my childhood friend who was murdered along with her daughter last winter? Well, it's coming up on a year since it happened and I just got an email from her best friend. These two girls had a pretty unique friendship. They were pretty much attached at the hip from 4th grade until T was killed. Soulmates.
In her message she tells me she feels very alone in her grief and like the only person that could ever comfort a pain like this is the friend that is gone. It just tore my heart out. I can't stop thinking about her and am trying to think of something I can do to comfort her that won't seem shallow and pointless in the midst of such deep grief. She sent me a beautiful poem that she said made her think about me and my mom. I don't know why I'm sharing this. It's just making me so sad.
I'll get started on my list tonight. I'm sure it's going to be long.
And since 2007, the housing market has tanked. I just don't get what these sellers are thinking.
Sellers are going to try to go as high as they can. You really have to look at each house individually. The biggest factor is knowing what it is worth to YOU. If they are priced to sell, 20K less would be wrong. But that house likely wouldn't be on the market long. IF they are overpriced, they will be sitting there. If the seller really wants out, they will move, if not they won't. Also forget about assessments....that is for taxes only, NOT fair market value. Your best bet is a good realtor who will give you comps and you can see what comparable homes in that area have been selling for. I would start looking online and attending any open houses you can find. This really helps you know what you are looking for and what you can budge on and see what homes are out there at what prices and what conditions. Also look and see if what homes are at in your target areas. I regularly check the assements in my neighborhood to see what homes have sold for and what their taxes are based on ones that are about the same size as mine (I have no plans to sell but haven't found out yet what my taxes will be since it's new construction....I have a good idea though).
Thanks, but in NY the assessments are supposed to be at or a percentage of the fair market value of the home
I do not live in or near NYC or Nassau County.New York State Law requires all properties in your municipality (except in New York City and Nassau County) to be assessed at a uniform percentage of market value each year. This means that all taxable properties in your city, town or village must be assessed at market value or all at the same uniform percentage of market value each year. State Law also requires your assessor to include the estimate of the market value for each property, the assessment for each property and the uniform percentage for all taxable property on the tentative assessment roll.
From my experience, the tax assessments were lower than typical asking and selling prices, at least in Los Angeles County.
But how exciting, Chrissy! I’m kinda jealous that you get to kick the tires on houses. I confess I regularly sign into ZipRealty.com and look at homes for sale just so I can window shop. ITA with everything Jennifer said. Websites like Trulia and Zillow are useful for researching “comps” for yourself because they give you the prices of homes in the area, broken down by their attributes like how many bedrooms/bathrooms/sq ft, so if you’re looking for e.g. a 5BR/3BA house with a finished basement and at least 12.5k sq ft of lot, you can try to find another comparable house in that zip code that recently sold and see how much it went for to base your offer price on. Your offer price will also depend on other intangibles, though, like how motivated is the seller, and how many others are making offers on the house. You could rely on a realtor to give you leads on homes for sale or (my recommendation - ) initiate your own search online to see what’s on the market. Your area will probably have an MLS that acts a central repository for all the active listings.
OK, I was nosy, and I checked online and think this site could be helpful: http://www.ithacarealtors.com/search.asp if that’s the area you’re looking at. If not, I’m sure there’s another online MLS for your area.
The one thing I’ve read, though, is that even the realtor that is representing you - the buyer - will not fight that hard for you to get a lower price. Your realtor will just encourage you to do whatever to close the deal for the sake of their own commissions. So try to be as informed as possible about the real value of the home, what sort of cashbacks, conditions and inclusions are available for you to write into your contract, and be your own advocate, because that’s not what the agent is really there for. I found my agent most useful in getting through all the paperwork and knowing what my next steps were, but not for arguing my case for a lower price or getting cash for defects on the house . I’m still a little pissed at myself and at him for final price. Freakonomics has an funny chapter about real estate agents; check it out if you happen to be in a bookstore.
Bridget, that story about your friend is so sad. At least she has you to talk to.
But do I even need to point out how amazing it is that you turned out so awesome after all that?
We are very tentatively looking at property on the Big Island of Hawaii.
I started to have some wishy washy feelings for dbf the other night when I though about how he moved us here with his life savings even though wisconsin is the last place he'd ever choose to live. If he hadn't done that, I'd never have gotten to spend my mom's last years with her. Of course we had no idea we'd lose her so quickly. I mean for all of his crap qualities, he gave up everything he knew and saved his whole life to buy a house over here and that was all for me.
I think the idea of being here for the rest of his life must be pretty terrifying to him. He's so out of his element. So anyway, I suggested that he look into selling his condo on Oahu and looking for something in the country on the Big Island where we could farm and homeschool and live a simple country life. He is STOKED that I would even consider it. So he's dabbling around and looking at properties...like 5 minutes after I said it.
I'm not talking about soon, but a few years down the line maybe. I made sure to say that several times. I'm not leaving my dad any time soon. I'd love it if he came with us but he won't go anywhere anytime soonn And if dbf finds something perfect for us, it will be easy to rent as a vacation rental until we make the move.
I've been on Trulia for months already and have about 6-8 houses picked out that I want to look at, and I've been keeping tabs on what "my" houses have been going for. Unfortunately, the price ranges have varied greatly. I'll have to check out ZipRealty and Zillow. I never heard of them.
We're not looking in the Tompkins county (Ithaca) area. Either Tioga in NY or Bradford in PA (just Sayre/Athens area in PA because there's a bus run that goes directly to Cornell). But my soon-to-be-Realtor did mention giving me an MLS site to check out houses after our prequalification.
That sucks about the buyer's Realtor not being very helpful with getting a decent price. I think they have to convey your offer no matter what it is, so if I feel strongly about something I'll just insist.
I'm just monopolizing the room today, but when I was on the phone with the mortgage broker last night my BB died and I had to call her back from Rich's phone. I also gave her our home land-line number so she can reach me if my battery totally dies and she needs to get ahold of me for some reason.
Anyway, she said I should hear from her today and I haven't, however the soon-to-be-buyer's Realtor wrote me and said she heard I'd talked to Tara and that Rich and I should make a list of what we'd like and make an appointment to meet with her.
I never gave her Rich's name that I recall. I'm wondering if Tara (the broker) left a message for me on our home phone? I thought Tara was just going to run our credit report and look for any issues that needed to be cleaned up for applying, but now I'm not so sure. Debbie (the Realtor) acts like it's on and we're now house hunting.
Well and fair market values can change pretty rapidly. I know the one we put an offer in was assessed at 196. Yeah NO way. Sellers bought for 179 in 2004. We were doing this in 2008 and offered 165,900 (asking was 179 at that point). I was willing to go to 169 but a bit more. Had been on the market for 10 months and they had already moved and their new house in a different city was almost done. That was when we rejected their reply back to us and wanted to start removing freaking light fixtures (which I liked) and not replace them at 174. So we said nope and they actually came back to us at 172...we said nope again. Our buyer agent happened to be the sellers too...not recommended and he tried to work on us hard. But I woudln't budge. I liked the house, DH didn't love it and if we had gotten it for what we wanted, great. Otherwise I was willing to walk away. The longer we looked, the pickier we got and found that building was an option (and our agent actually called ahead to the builder we went to see to try to talk us out of it!). I was annoyed so we waited until our contract was done with the agent.....and the next month we bought our land and used our builder as the agent for that. Because he was buying up some lots also, he got us a GREAT deal (asking for them was 39,900...we got it for 28K) and didn't charge commission because we had already contracted to build with him. This was the third builder I talked too and got a great vibe from him, liked what the homes I saw him do, he was working in the neighborhood I wanted to live in, builds only energy star homes and was able to get us in the month we wanted. For some building is a nightmare but ours was fun and pretty smooth.
My MIL was buying in the Chicago area a few years back....asking was 229 and their realtor was like NOBODY goes in for less than asking. She said, I like the house but am not in love and will pay 209....if they reject it, so be it we will keep looking. They accepted....good thing they didn't pay more because today it would be lucky to sell for 189 and so her and her DH who are trying to divorce have to keep living there a bit longer because they currently owe more than it's worth and hope to maybe get out in a year.
You definitely have to listen to your gut and don't let anyone talk to you into anything!
I think I want an organic farm in Hawaii now too. We had talked about doing that ourselves here, because Ithaca is so hippie-ish (in a good way) and all about organic foods. The community is very willing to share ideas and I don't think they're even close to being over-saturated here with organics...and even if they did I could ship the organics to parrot owners (Bridget, just keep that in your hat-Avian owners pay good money for organic foods for their fids!).
But while Rich is a tremendously hard worker with plenty of farming experience and know-how, he's not one for records and the business side of things and I'm just not interested in doing it. I suck as a partner.