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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #15151
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    Josh is four right? Been a while since I have been around four year olds but when I was (usually 50 hours a week or more...though one I had so much she had a bed in my room), I used the corner for time outs. Four yrs old got four minutes. I gave warnings and if they didn't listen, time out in the corner. I don't personally like sending to the room....they have too much fun stuff in their rooms. One never went to time out, one had to twice I think, and the other was a bit more stubborn had to go a little more often....
    Dh asked me how do you make them stay....I said I don't know, I just told them to go into time out and stay until the timer was off and they did. Did not have to yell, just used a firm tone and gave "the look" that they knew I meant business. If they turned around or tried to leave, they were directed back into time out. My mom always told me that if you expect certain behavior from a kid, you are more likely to get it (though not always of course!).

    that said, I thought my bff's kid was a brat when she was four. She was over for the holidays and is 7 now and was very nice and polite and social and listened pretty well...especially being the only child and it's not like I have a whole room of toys.
    So I guess Chrissy is right, it does eventually get better.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  2. #15152
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    Gwen....that doesn't sound right. it's not like it will kill them to not be together for a few weeks.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  3. #15153

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    Just replying to Chrissie's question concerning BK and new house mortgage (about 3-5 pages back)
    Chrissie your real estate agent would have the best advice for you.
    They are the gurus of getting house mortgages.
    Likely they will steer you to a mortgage broker as they are less restricted by government laws and such.
    Me: Julie-46 DH: Kelly-52 DD: Rhianna-17 DS: Gage-He's 3!

  4. #15154

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    I guess I'll try giving him more rein with the schedule, but I'm not sure what to do about the back talking. He doesn't mind being sent to his room, toys taken away, having to sit on the floor, etc.

  5. #15155
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I guess I'll try giving him more rein with the schedule, but I'm not sure what to do about the back talking. He doesn't mind being sent to his room, toys taken away, having to sit on the floor, etc.
    This makes me wonder if it isn't an attention seeking behavior. Have you tried just ignoring it, and then when he IS treating you nicely, praising and rewarding?
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  6. #15156
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    Gwen....that doesn't sound right. it's not like it will kill them to not be together for a few weeks.
    That's what I think. She's only 15, and they live in different cities. She can last 3 weeks without seeing him face to face.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  7. #15157
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I guess I'll try giving him more rein with the schedule, but I'm not sure what to do about the back talking. He doesn't mind being sent to his room, toys taken away, having to sit on the floor, etc.
    What about ignoring it? You have said how it bothers you and likely he knows that. But if he gets zero reaction from it....he might stop doing it.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  8. #15158
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    This makes me wonder if it isn't an attention seeking behavior. Have you tried just ignoring it, and then when he IS treating you nicely, praising and rewarding?
    Doh, should have read further down before posting.....I was thinking the same thing!

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    I confess I was having a really rough day (covering two departments at work by myself on a busy night) and was ready to just walk out, when my regular that I had a date with came in. (We shall call him E.)

    Well E just got his regular cup of coffee and left. I was kind of bummed, but was going to call him on my break to see if he wanted to do anything tomorrow since I have the day off.

    Before I could take a break he came back in, and asked me to a second date! We are going to a movie saturday!

  10. #15160
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    That's so awesome!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  11. #15161
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Chrissy, question since you have teenagers. My mother was telling me that she got a call from my sister. My niece who is very close to turning 16 has been dating a boy who is the son of my sister's friend - my sister used to babysit him when the kids were very small and then my sister moved out of the city so they lost touch. Now they've reconnected and the kids are dating. He seems like a nice boy. Apparently his mother told him that he isn't allowed to see my niece until Christmas break because she wants him to focus on school (he goes to a very challenging school and is getting ready to apply to colleges). My sister apparently snuck my niece into the city and brought her to him for a clandestine date without telling his mother, who is also her friend. Does this just seem wrong? Do you really need to encourage teenage girls to sneak off with boys? It just seems like she is giving my niece the absolute wrong message about what is important in life, making boys more important than anything else and also encouraging her to be dishonest. What do you guys think?
    No way was that a good thing to do. It is definitely showing her first hand how to sneak around. I tell my girls they have to follow the bf's parents rules and that's it. Considering how conservative Rich is, especially when it comes to his daughter's dating, Thomas's parents (Bobbie's boyfriend) are much more strict that we are. She couldn't even go to his room to grab his hoodie while he sat in the living room playing a game. No girls allowed and that's that! Bobbie tried to vent to me, but I had the attitude, "their house, their rules" I told her whether she agreed or not, she had to follow them. Period.

    Quote Originally Posted by rhiannasmoms43 View Post
    Just replying to Chrissie's question concerning BK and new house mortgage (about 3-5 pages back)
    Chrissie your real estate agent would have the best advice for you.
    They are the gurus of getting house mortgages.
    Likely they will steer you to a mortgage broker as they are less restricted by government laws and such.
    Thank you. I did send an email to a buyer's agent last night. I'm not even sure what kinds of questions I should ask her...besides "how long have you been doing this?"

    Quote Originally Posted by The10Eels View Post
    I confess I was having a really rough day (covering two departments at work by myself on a busy night) and was ready to just walk out, when my regular that I had a date with came in. (We shall call him E.)

    Well E just got his regular cup of coffee and left. I was kind of bummed, but was going to call him on my break to see if he wanted to do anything tomorrow since I have the day off.

    Before I could take a break he came back in, and asked me to a second date! We are going to a movie saturday!
    I'm really happy for you!!!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  12. #15162

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I guess I'll try giving him more rein with the schedule, but I'm not sure what to do about the back talking. He doesn't mind being sent to his room, toys taken away, having to sit on the floor, etc.
    I also suggest ignoring him. Also don't show your frustration. One of the things I do that a lot of other people don't do in my own circle and maybe not here on APA is not offer hardly any choices at all. I go more on maturity level when it comes to choices and really a child not having a choice takes away a whole lot of conflict. If the child has already had a lot of choices though, it may make the behavior worse. I actually started not giving Ky any choices when he was around 3 because his behavior was out of control IMO. Taking away the choices took away a lot of the issues he had because then there was no more power struggles since everything had to be done a certain way. I also structured his day in such a way that he always had blocks of time for certain things. He still was pretty tantrum-y and had bad behavior when it came to bedtime that lasted until he was about 4.5 really but he got WAY better without the choices and now that he is older and more reasonable and rational and calm, he gets to decide a lot about what he wants to do or wear or eat, but back then, since he could not be reasonable or rational or calm, he could not be trusted to make pretty much any choices.

    Erin

  13. #15163
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    i think im gonna treat myself to a facial..anyone get one before ive never had one?

  14. #15164

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    This makes me wonder if it isn't an attention seeking behavior. Have you tried just ignoring it, and then when he IS treating you nicely, praising and rewarding?
    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    What about ignoring it? You have said how it bothers you and likely he knows that. But if he gets zero reaction from it....he might stop doing it.
    I'll try this, but what if I'm really trying to get him to do something I think is important, like picking up after himself, and he says no and refuses? Do I just do it myself?
    Quote Originally Posted by The10Eels View Post
    I confess I was having a really rough day (covering two departments at work by myself on a busy night) and was ready to just walk out, when my regular that I had a date with came in. (We shall call him E.)

    Well E just got his regular cup of coffee and left. I was kind of bummed, but was going to call him on my break to see if he wanted to do anything tomorrow since I have the day off.

    Before I could take a break he came back in, and asked me to a second date! We are going to a movie saturday!
    Yay!
    Quote Originally Posted by sarahlynn View Post
    i think im gonna treat myself to a facial..anyone get one before ive never had one?
    I've had some. Tell them if your skin is sensitive, what skin type (oily, dry etc.), if there are any smells you don't like--they tend to use a lot of scented stuff and some astringents so if those bother you let them know. Depending on the type, they might be kind of rough trying to get rid of blackheads or any pimples, so if you don't want that, tell them (I'm sensitive to that)

  15. #15165
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I'll try this, but what if I'm really trying to get him to do something I think is important, like picking up after himself, and he says no and refuses? Do I just do it myself?
    I have always been pretty lax about the kids leaving their toys out, but I never let it get out of control and there were times when everything had to be picked up. If I had to pick up the toys myself, I would put them away. Conner doesn't seem to mind his stuff being put away either, but he does earn things back. I don't make it a big deal, I just say, "If I have to pick them up, I'm putting them away for a long time and you won't have them." I wait a minute and if he doesn't start helping I just put them up like I said.

    This isn't the kind of lesson he's likely going to get in one or two instances of having his toys taken away. It can take years. I know it's still a struggle with Sydney, although she's long since learned I really do put things up for a long, long time and she hates that so she'll pick her stuff up. But it's almost never without some discussion about how bad she wants to keep her things.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  16. #15166

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    Erin you bring up a good point. Savana did not respond well to choices when she was a toddler. It actually really, really pissed her off. Then for awhile they worked great and now she has a lot of anxiety about making any choice at all and wants me to tell her what to do all the time. I guess it's just her personality.

    Kate, with the clean up thing, I would do like Chrissy said and just choose your battles. I know it's easier said than done. Does it work better if you make it a game? Or a challenge like, pick up everything that has wheels, or everything that's blue. Or used a puppet to say it?
    Savana hates, hates, hates to clean her room. Her and dbf fight about it all the time. I just tell her come on, let's go clean your room and we do it together. She cries and whines at first. I let her know that I don't like to clean up either but it's part of life and we have to take care of our things. Dbf thinks it's my fault she's like that because I'm a bit of a slob myself, leaving things laying around the house. But whatever. We are who we are.
    The girl I hired to be my sub when I have the baby is going to come and hang out tomorrow so she can see how our routine is. It's going to be really strange to have another adult with me! But I'm looking forward to seeing how she interacts with the kids and really looking forward to having the option of a couple of hours or a day off once in awhile. I figure since I have her now I might as well utilize her.
    Last edited by Bridget; 12-01-2010 at 12:35 PM.

  17. #15167
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    yay Bridget! I hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow. You can sure use a break!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  18. #15168

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    I hope you have a good day tomorrow Bridget!
    Thanks for the advice. My problem is I'm so quick to react (to everything, not just Josh) that when someone says "Don't react" it's foreign to me. I had a therapy session today and that's what she said. Don't react. So I hope I can manage that. She also wants me to look into that behavior again, I think it's called defiant? She said she doesn't think he has the disorder but rather the behavior with me and DH especially.
    I really want to get this under control before he starts remembering his early childhood as a bad one because I was so stressed out all the time
    So completely off topic, does anyone have a Keurig? Are they hard to keep clean and stuff? I think I want one. LOL

  19. #15169
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    Sarahlynn, I had a facial a few months back and it was great!

    I just ordered my Christmas cards and there's 8 inches of snow outside...it's so festive, I love it! I've had some mulled wine over the weekend...ah, how I love Christmas (well, the pagan side of it at least!)

  20. #15170

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    How do you make the mulled wine? I always wanted to try it.

  21. #15171
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    So completely off topic, does anyone have a Keurig? Are they hard to keep clean and stuff? I think I want one. LOL
    I had to google what a Keurig was because I'd never heard of one I have no idea how easy it would be to keep clean.

    I don't have any advice on how to not react. I think I might have the opposite problem. I can recall a couple occasions when my brother said, "Sis?" when he thought I should do something in regards to the kids.

    Quote Originally Posted by silverstar View Post
    ...ah, how I love Christmas (well, the pagan side of it at least!)
    Me too. We celebrate the Season with Reason. (totally stolen from a quote I read in an article today)

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  22. #15172

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I had to google what a Keurig was because I'd never heard of one I have no idea how easy it would be to keep clean.

    I don't have any advice on how to not react. I think I might have the opposite problem. I can recall a couple occasions when my brother said, "Sis?" when he thought I should do something in regards to the kids.



    Me too. We celebrate the Season with Reason. (totally stolen from a quote I read in an article today)
    Did you get that from the story about the atheist billboards? I saw the headline (and the billboard) but didn't read the story.
    I keep seeing the commercials for the Keurig and at the cafe we were at today you could order one of the little cups from it and make your own. It was super easy and fun. I just wonder if you have to clean it out every time you make a different flavor.

  23. #15173
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    Yes, that's exactly where I got that line from

    And I wouldn't think so? I mean, if I use hazlenut flavored grounds I don't do anything special when I later make regular coffee.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  24. #15174

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    Ah cool. I'm the only one who drinks coffee here, so I never make it, but I think I could get used to one that makes one cup at a time

  25. #15175
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    I have a little 4-cup coffee pot at work. It makes 1.5 mugs of coffee & I think it cost about $10. It uses regular filters or a basket that you dump out and rinse for the grounds.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  26. #15176
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    Quote Originally Posted by sarahlynn View Post
    i think im gonna treat myself to a facial..anyone get one before ive never had one?
    I had one before my wedding. It was really relaxing and luxurious and I did enjoy it. Not sure if it's honestly worth the money but it did make my skin feel great and I felt like a princess, so it's a really nice splurge. Maybe I'll get one again just before DH comes home or something.

    They made me fill out a form with all kinds of questions about my skin type and why I wanted the facial - to deal with acne, or wrinkles, or combo skin, etc. It was more detail than some doctors!

    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I'll try this, but what if I'm really trying to get him to do something I think is important, like picking up after himself, and he says no and refuses? Do I just do it myself?
    I would first of all, pick your battles, and second of all, if it's a big deal, get down and help him and show him that things get done faster if we do them together. Model the behavior (picking up) and praise for his efforts in that direction. Make it fun like Bridget said and then celebrate that it's all done! But meet him halfway - so he isn't looking at a sea of messy toys with no idea how to approach it. Sometimes kids have trouble breaking down a big task like that into small steps. Showing him how to approach it will help him organize himself mentally.

    And I think your therapist might well be right about the oppositional defiant behavior with you or you and DH but not the disorder in general. I was sort of beginning to wonder about that and then you said that's what she thought.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  27. #15177
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    I confess I'm considering asking for a different position at work. I really love my kids but I am finding right now that I don't have a lot of mental energy to draw from right now with DH gone - I've called in sick a ton this fall and I find I'm just worn out. One of the evaluators is leaving and it's kind of been a dream of mine to have a job where I just evaluate kids. It's like solving puzzles, taking all the pieces and putting them together. And then letting someone else spend the next 6 years fixing the problem! I'm considering asking to transfer into my friend's position (don't know if they'll let me) but I'd feel like I was stabbing my students and their families and teachers in the back. But I do think a) it's work I'm really good at, and b) I need a change. It would be the same employer, same pay, just a very different work environment and daily responsibilities.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  28. #15178
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    That's a really tough decision. You can always request it and see what they say.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  29. #15179

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I have a little 4-cup coffee pot at work. It makes 1.5 mugs of coffee & I think it cost about $10. It uses regular filters or a basket that you dump out and rinse for the grounds.
    I have one of those but I think it's kind of a pain just for my little one cup of coffee (I bounce off the walls if I have more than one)

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    I would first of all, pick your battles, and second of all, if it's a big deal, get down and help him and show him that things get done faster if we do them together. Model the behavior (picking up) and praise for his efforts in that direction. Make it fun like Bridget said and then celebrate that it's all done! But meet him halfway - so he isn't looking at a sea of messy toys with no idea how to approach it. Sometimes kids have trouble breaking down a big task like that into small steps. Showing him how to approach it will help him organize himself mentally.

    And I think your therapist might well be right about the oppositional defiant behavior with you or you and DH but not the disorder in general. I was sort of beginning to wonder about that and then you said that's what she thought.
    Tonight I tried helping--making it fun--I'm more of a "let's just get it done" type of person and I forget to make it a game. So tonight he said "I want you to take my bath toys out of the water"--he has a whole alphabet of foam letters--so I said "how about you take out the ones that are red" so he did that, and he continued doing it by color with my help with no complaint

  30. #15180
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I have one of those but I think it's kind of a pain just for my little one cup of coffee (I bounce off the walls if I have more than one)



    Tonight I tried helping--making it fun--I'm more of a "let's just get it done" type of person and I forget to make it a game. So tonight he said "I want you to take my bath toys out of the water"--he has a whole alphabet of foam letters--so I said "how about you take out the ones that are red" so he did that, and he continued doing it by color with my help with no complaint


    Do you have any idea how awesome that is? I'm so glad it worked right away. Keep it up!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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