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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #14701

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    There's no hope of stopping bullying in school as long as grown ups feel they have the right to judge others.
    Chrissy, I LOVE this quote, you are so right!! we parents have the responsibility to raise our children as non judgmental people. My parents were like that, our house was always open to all sorts of people, and everybody was treated the same, so that is the way I grew up

    stalker of this forum, love the converstations you guys have...
    Dani (6) and Chris (4)

  2. #14702

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    The little boy dressed like Daphne was pretty cute!

    I also don't/didn't care about pretending and dress up when kids are that young since it is all in fun. I admit also though that I wouldn't let Ky dress up like a girl probably after preschool age because where we live, the kids would be mean and he is very sensitive and even though kids do get teased about everything and anything, I will do my best to keep teasing/bullying to the most minimal point that I can. Ky wanted to dress up as a "dead soldier" last year for Halloween, but I didn't let him because I felt that it would be disrespectful or shocking to people who may have family or friends in the military, so he dressed as a soldier in fatigues with fatigue paint instead. I just feel children don't have the ability to see some of the reactions that may occur because of their creativity and imagination and even though I have done my best to instill confidence in my son, I'm not going to allow that confidence to be shaken because of a decision he makes that others may tease him about. I see it as my job to guide his decision making process and allow him to predict some of the outcomes of his actions so that he can make a more informed decision. We usually talk about these things and how other people will respond to him, like with the dead soldier costume, and usually he will make a better informed decision, even though he decided not to be a dead soldier after our conversation, even if he did decide he still wanted to be one, I would not have let him.

    Last year at school, they had a talent show and he wanted to do an Irish dance LOL. He watched something on TV about Irish dancing and thought it was cool but I was hesitant in allowing him to get up on a stage and try to Irish dance since he has never done it, even though I thought it would be cute to video, I also knew a lot of the kids would tease him so we talked about it and I told him if he choreographed an Irish dance that was decent, I would let him do it. He got sidetracked with something else so didn't do the Irish dance, but this is just another example of the creativity of children that can sometimes backfire. I would never let my child go out and embarrass himself/herself and really in the blog when she mentioned that her son was having second thoughts, I would have listened to my son and not have had him go in the outfit. He may have been ridiculed by the other children and didn't tell her, you never know how much that may have ruined his confidence in himself and his decisions.

    Erin

  3. #14703

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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    I thought it was just pretending.
    It is, but it just represents so much more of an issue. It's too much of an adult issue for a child to be representing.
    Did anyone see Glee's Rocky Horror episode? I feel like it's kind of like that. People want to push boundaries but using children to promote that agenda isn't appropriate IMO. Halloween is to dress up and get candy, not make a statement through your child.

  4. #14704

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    Confess I am sorry to be a downer, but I just got a text from my DH's cousin that her 18 month old has a brain tumor. We were just in Chicago visiting them not too long ago. She and her husband are just wonderful people and truly adore their children. She waited a long time to have kids and when we were there she was telling me how she was so happy she waited since she knows she would not have enjoyed her boys as much if she'd had them when she was younger. She is 42 and just had another little boy in September and this news is just really devastating to me.

    I just can't believe it and don't know what to think and am just devastated for her and can't even imagine what she is going through.

    Erin

  5. #14705

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    Oh Erin, how scary.



  6. #14706
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    Erin, I'm so sorry to hear that.
    Just Midge

  7. #14707

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    Is that always a very bad thing or can it be treated? I'm so sorry to hear that.

  8. #14708
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    I agree that there are parents out there who teach their children rigid world views - of course that happens and we all know it. But I don't know that all children learn teasing because of things they get from their parents. To some degree I think it has to do with personality and to another degree I think it is developmental - not that every child does it but there is a point where they don't see the impact of something like bullying so they try it. Depending on how the adults around them handle it, it is either nipped in the bud or it can fester but I don't think it always originates with the parents.
    Yeah, but in this particular case it was the adults that made faces, were repulsed, or had something to say about a child in costume. We all have our biases and kids pick up on that...they then go to school and experiment with their own feelings on each other.

    As a side note, I don't like how the term 'bullying' is being portrayed in the media. The kids that are resorting to suicide aren't usually pushed around by the big kid on the playground with crappy parents...they're teased, taunted, and talked about by a majority of their peers. Kids from 'good' homes with 'good' parents are the 'bullies' in almost every single school. By calling them 'bullies', parents are allowed to think their child isn't part of the problem. Having teens myself, and one that has the capacity to play the roll of a mean girl at times, I can assure you that it's not kids from 'bad' homes...When Jess does it, she's just fitting in with her friends and she doesn't realize how a phrase she says to a kid without the security she has can affect him/her. It's something we talk about constantly. She's aware, and she knows better...but she's a typical 16 year old girl. I feel like I'm the only parent that is aware of what the kids are saying to each other and even attempts to intervene. It's the pact mentality at play...alone, she'd never be mean and I don't believe she's mean on purpose. The kids think they're being funny, but to the one that is always singled out it hurts.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    Confess I am sorry to be a downer, but I just got a text from my DH's cousin that her 18 month old has a brain tumor. We were just in Chicago visiting them not too long ago. She and her husband are just wonderful people and truly adore their children. She waited a long time to have kids and when we were there she was telling me how she was so happy she waited since she knows she would not have enjoyed her boys as much if she'd had them when she was younger. She is 42 and just had another little boy in September and this news is just really devastating to me.

    I just can't believe it and don't know what to think and am just devastated for her and can't even imagine what she is going through.

    Erin
    Oh Erin That's awful.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  9. #14709

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Is that always a very bad thing or can it be treated? I'm so sorry to hear that.
    They will have to do more testing to see about treatment options, but just the thought of someone telling me that one of my children has a brain tumor is just...extremely frightening. It is one of my biggest fears for something like this to happen to my own child. I do hope that he can be treated and will recover. He is such a sweet little guy but even the idea of him suffering through doctors appointments and possibly surgery is just so scary.

    Erin

  10. #14710
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    I hate when little kids suffer. My heart goes out to them and you Erin.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  11. #14711
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    I hope everything turns out ok, Erin!

  12. #14712

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    It is scary. I hope everything turns out okay.

  13. #14713

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    Oh, Erin. I am so sorry. That is like a nightmare.

  14. #14714

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    I'm so sorry, Erin. So hard to see that, even more so when you know and love the people involved.


    I'm sorry I have been so uninvolved with you all lately ( though I may be the only one to notice this!) I am gearing up for a huge two week Christmas art fair that will (I hope) bring in a lot of money. I have also just completed two personalized commission works as well as 11 other smaller commissions that I just got out this week. I do check in but just don't have time to post.

    I agree with everything Erin said about the costumed boy. Why subject your child to a situation where you know there will be at the very least raised eyebrows, likely worse? It is one thing to choose that for yourself, but quite another to expose your child to it. I guess we all choose our battles.

    Hugs to everyone having a hard time right now. High fives to everyone doing good. Back to work for me...

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  15. #14715

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    Erin, that is such sad news. It's hard not to let the thought of it bring anybody down. I hope things work out in the best possible way for your husband's family.

    Regarding the costume discussion... what's the saddest to me is that her FIVE year old child, days before putting on the costume, was aware that society wasn't necessarily going to approve of a boy dressed up as a girl.

    I don't know. To me, it's a delicate balance between allowing your child his/her own self-expression and protecting your child from the disappointment and pain of other people's perceptions. My BIL was a girl scout one year for Halloween at age 8, and from everything I've heard, he worked it and everybody loved it. It all depends on how much knowledge you have of the people you're dealing with and the confidence you have going into the situation.

    As a kid who was teased a lot in grade school, I'm incredibly sensitive to the subject of social agression in kids. I will say that being teased and belittled is what made me a bully in later years. It taught me the wrong lesson that that is how you achieve personal power - by putting other people down. So for better or worse, I do have deep reflexes to want to shield my child from other people's judgments. Also, if Bodhi had already ordered the costume and was having serious reservations about wearing it days in advance, the one thing I wouldn't have done (and not saying the author of the blog post did this) is convince him he had to wear it because he had to stick to his choice. As his mother, I would have supported his right to change his mind, to listen to his gut, to edit himself, because that too is supporting his self-expression.

    I know that when I do express myself most uniquely and creatively, I'm not even thinking about what other people are thinking about me. I'm not trying to make a statement of it. When people tell me I've been really out there, I'm always a little surprised that people saw it that way. So I guess what I'm saying is...I think when it's an agonizing decision whether or not to express yourself, you're not really being your most authentic. Does that make sense?
    Last edited by demigraf; 11-05-2010 at 01:53 PM.

  16. #14716
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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    Yeah, but in this particular case it was the adults that made faces, were repulsed, or had something to say about a child in costume. We all have our biases and kids pick up on that...they then go to school and experiment with their own feelings on each other.
    You're right ... my comments weren't really about that situation. Someone (don't remember who) made a comment about parents teaching kids to be bullies and my mind went off on a tangent so I made that comment, but it is absolutely true that when parents model bullying or judgmental behavior, the children pick up on it. Sorry I wasn't clear about that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    Confess I am sorry to be a downer, but I just got a text from my DH's cousin that her 18 month old has a brain tumor. We were just in Chicago visiting them not too long ago. She and her husband are just wonderful people and truly adore their children. She waited a long time to have kids and when we were there she was telling me how she was so happy she waited since she knows she would not have enjoyed her boys as much if she'd had them when she was younger. She is 42 and just had another little boy in September and this news is just really devastating to me.

    I just can't believe it and don't know what to think and am just devastated for her and can't even imagine what she is going through.

    Erin
    Oh, Erin, that is terrifying. Wishing all the best for that little boy.

    Quote Originally Posted by katycat24 View Post
    I'm sorry I have been so uninvolved with you all lately ( though I may be the only one to notice this!) I am gearing up for a huge two week Christmas art fair that will (I hope) bring in a lot of money. I have also just completed two personalized commission works as well as 11 other smaller commissions that I just got out this week. I do check in but just don't have time to post.
    I've missed you! Good luck with your art fair.

    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    I know that when I do express myself most uniquely and creatively, I'm not even thinking about what other people are thinking about me. I'm not trying to make a statement of it. When people tell me I've been really out there, I'm always a little surprised that people saw it that way. So I guess what I'm saying is...I think when it's an agonizing decision whether or not to express yourself, you're not really being your most authentic. Does that make sense?
    Interesting comment. I like it.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  17. #14717

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    I confess... how is my baby a month old today?!



  18. #14718

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    Happy 1 month Gus!

  19. #14719
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    3andMe is offline Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks? Hopelessly Devoted
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    Wow, I can't believe it's been one month already. How are you doing, Stacy?

    Welcome back, Katycat!
    ------------------

    I was trying to find some scientific backing on what makes us pick on people who are different--I know it happens both in people and in animals, and it happens in small communities, where the 'misfit' is cast out from the herd, and on a much broader sense like in racism/xenophobia. Dh and I have had a lot of discussions about this over the years, and I remember a specific discussion about people tending to like people who look more like them.

    Of course this is very generalized, and is about society as a whole, not about how you as an individual may be more welcoming of differences. Anyway, I was having a hard time finding any good articles in 30-second google searches here and there among everything else I was doing and asked dh about it. He reminded me of the concept of the "Monkeysphere" and if you're not familiar with it, this is a good article to get started. Don't read it if you're easily offended by stuff and obscenity, but despite the humor and irreverence, this monkeysphere concept is an actual very real sociological concept that has withstood the test of time, has spawned a bunch of papers, and is now being studied on a bunch of social networking sites.
    ---------------------

    At a party last weekend, there was a 9-year-old boy who was being a bully to all of the much younger kids. He told Ronin he had to jump off the loft bed (and he did, luckily not hurting himself). He threw toys at all of the kids. He took all of the toothpicks off the food table, went back to the kid bedroom, put them in his mouth one at a time, and spit them out at everyone. He kept turning out the light when everyone was playing. He stole everyone's glow bracelets. At that point, dh just grabbed the bracelets back off his wrists and re-distributed them, and suggested he go play elsewhere.

    We talked about the bully later. The boy's parents were really nice, but were not involved at all with their son. I didn't know what I would have done, but probably wouldn't have just taken the bracelets back. DH thought it was a good idea to teach him that there is always someone bigger around. I tend to favor the second part of it, that people won't want to play with him if he's not playing nicely.


  20. #14720
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    Happy 1 month Gus!! I can't believe it's been a whole month already.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  21. #14721
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    Happy 1 month, Gus! Are you finding it goes by quicker with your second cause it seems like it to me!

    This will make you guys laugh (or shake your head and say WTF like I did!)-I talked to my mom last night and she was telling me about 2 of my cousins who are crackheads...well, they're hooked on prescription painkillers...any how...one of them had the other break his hand by hitting him with brass knuckles and then a baseball bat so that they could go to the ER and get some pain meds!!!!!! (I guess they couldn't steal any from my Grandma any more so they had to come up with another way!)

  22. #14722

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    Wow...that's just sad.

  23. #14723
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    I confess I'm currently bidding on a Phil n Teds double buggy...can y'all send me some "win the auction" vibes! LOL

  24. #14724

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    Thanks guys. I'm doing pretty well. Tired, still, but functional and happy. My only problem with.Gus has been some food sensitivity, but nothing I'm not used to from Oscar...



  25. #14725

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    One month already?? God, it seriously feels like 10 minutes ago.

    I confess I am extremely annoyed that I was running around all day with Savana, leaving dbf here with Kai and came home to the house looking totally messy. And not a new mess but the same mess that was here when I left and then some. I was honestly gone from 10am to 7pm. He couldn't find a moment to pick up?
    He stripped our bed this morning because Kai's pull up leaked and I watched him place the bedding at the top of the stairs down to the laundry room. They're still there. I just don't get why he doesn't feel any sense of responsibility to wash it. He just puts it there for me to do. It feels so disrespectful.

    I bought Savana a carrot cake muffin today with cream cheese frosting and she was eating it in the back seat. She asked me if I wanted a bite and I said it was too hard for me to reach back there but if she could save me one that would be great. So a few minutes later she hands me the bag and says my bite is in there. And it was indeed, but no frosting. So I said, "Hey, where's my frosting?" and she said, "Oh, it's okay mom. I did that for you. You're pregnant. You don't need too much sugar."

  26. #14726
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    She really is something else Bridget!!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  27. #14727
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    Cripes-I asked Bobbie if she thought Thomas would like to spend Thanksgiving at our house if we end up having t-day dinner here...and now his family thinks I've invited all of them over.

    They're 17 and 19 and only dating 2-3 months. Why would they get the impression that I'd invite all of them over for Thanksgiving? I can only imagine the conversations that went on between Bobbie and Thomas, then Thomas and his family.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  28. #14728

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    LOL...I hope you can get out of that one, Chrissy!

  29. #14729
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    I'm not sure how I could get out of it without coming across as an idiot. I guess if they wanna come over, they can. I just hope they don't mind sitting at a patio table because I moved my dining room table into the office to use as a desk.

    Yes, I know I'm redneck.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  30. #14730
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    Aw, I'd love a big family Thanksgiving dinner...it's not the same celebrating in England...lol...

    I'm doing a big ol' southern meal for Thanksgiving this year for my little family, my in-laws and my sil, bil and nephews...there's 10 of us all together. I think it's important that my 2 boys celebrate and know their American history and heritage along with their English side, too.

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