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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #14611
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    Kate, think that maybe your DH and you could read something like this and agree to use it?

    http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Ef...8642113&sr=1-1

    That is a VERY popular book in my library and I have heard great things from it from our patrons. I haven't read it entirely myself but DH and I were reading it together when we were still in early TTC stages and figured we would have a toddler by now. It seemed like it would be a really great and healthy approach to dealing with kids and something that we both agreed upon (and it was pretty similiar to how both our moms raised us).

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  2. #14612

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    I have read a couple books on gentle approaches and passed on some of the ideas to DH. We both understand the concepts but find that they're hard to follow through when you're in the moment. When we're with a screaming child or one who sits there and smugly smiles instead of doing as he's asked, our tempers both tend to flare and instead of thinking of a logical, gentle step by step approach we are both likely to snap at him or tell him to go to his room.
    My therapist keeps telling me to walk away when I feel the urge to get into a confrontation with Josh but I find it hard to "make him feel like he's winning" as she puts it and I want him to know that his behavior makes me angry, even though I know he doesn't care.

  3. #14613
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    I really liked 1-2-3 Magic. Not everything in it, but a lot of it. The first 2-3 chapters were the easiest, fastest, and made a lot of sense. It's very easy to get emotional, to WANT them to know you're mad, to get even more upset when they're laughing at you, to want to give them the proper (and time-consuming) explanation for exactly why they should or should not be doing something, when what you really need is for them to stop doing it now and you can talk about it later when everyone is calmer.

    I recommend it. Again, some parts I don't particularly like, but I like the reminders about keeping emotions and lengthy explanations out of the heat of the moment. And I found it works fairly well when done consistently.

    -----

    Stacy, I have found some of my worst parenting moments have been with a new baby in the house, too. It's hard.


  4. #14614
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydia View Post
    I really liked 1-2-3 Magic. Not everything in it, but a lot of it. The first 2-3 chapters were the easiest, fastest, and made a lot of sense. It's very easy to get emotional, to WANT them to know you're mad, to get even more upset when they're laughing at you, to want to give them the proper (and time-consuming) explanation for exactly why they should or should not be doing something, when what you really need is for them to stop doing it now and you can talk about it later when everyone is calmer.

    I recommend it. Again, some parts I don't particularly like, but I like the reminders about keeping emotions and lengthy explanations out of the heat of the moment. And I found it works fairly well when done consistently.

    d.
    Yes I liked that it took emotions out of it. No sense in giving the kid that angry reaction that they are sometimes looking for. And gives a kid some consistency and knowing what to expect. I remember with my mom, I could ask for something once, I could ask for it twice (like in the same shopping trip). But if I asked for a third time after being told no, i knew that was IT, there was no way I would end up getting whatever it was I wanted.
    I like that it gives kids a chance to correct themselves by giving them that warning.

    I recommended this book to my bff and she found it useful especially since her and her DH have vastly different styles. I have also had a number of people bring it back to me and say that they were buying a copy to keep and it was making a huge difference at home.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  5. #14615
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    Bridget, how frustrating that he wouldn't back you up. He must have at least somewhat agreed with you at the time or he would have said something about it? He seems to be really be swayed by his emotions.

    And happy birthday Savana!

    Stacy, how frustrating that you're working, even from home. You need some time to just enjoy Gus before you have to deal with all that again. I don't know your situation but try to carve out some space for yourself as best you can.

    I confess some of the kids were wired at school today. Most of them were fine but one in particular was literally twitching from sugar overload. He was happy to come with me but so wound up he was literally shouting. I made some comment about how he wasn't usually this loud and another student (the one who told me "flush pineapple cake") said "that's not normal." Which totally cracked me up as it was completely appropriate to the setting and grammatical, which is almost never the case with things that child says!

    We also saw a hurt bird just outside our classroom door. My door opens onto a courtyard and there is a bird feeder on a tree outside. One poor bird was standing in a very odd position and flapping his wings but couldn't seem to fly. Eventually he flew a few yards but didn't get more than 6 inches off the ground and later I saw him hanging out under the bird feeder while the rest of the birds were up there eating. I asked the principal if there was something we could do and she told me if I called the custodian he would just put the bird in a box and throw the box away ... I wanted to call in someone from the desert museum as they do wild animal rescues but I wasn't able to make that happen. The principal and I both decided it was better off to just leave the bird than have the custodian throw him away ... but it really bothered me. Apparently the school district doesn't have a "policy" on wounded birds.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  6. #14616

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    I just remembered that my therapist told me to look up oppositional behavior. It seems to fit with how Josh behaves with me, but he is great with everyone else, so that can't be it, right? I think if we were seeing problems at school and with other kids and adults I'd be worried, but I think it's just a case of not wanting to listen to mom.

  7. #14617
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    I'm sure it's difficult, but I wouldn't worry about Josh's behavior at all. Kids will test the limits with their parents, especially their mother. He feels safer with you and knows he can do whatever and you're still going to love him. Besides, kids also like structure and even though it doesn't make sense, they'll often push the limits just to be reminded of where the boundaries are.

    I know it doesn't make it easy. Like I've said before, I have 4 other people to help me out and Conner is capable of testing all our limits. I don't want that to sound like he has 4 mommies and the girls 'boss' him around...they don't. But they're there to interact and engage him. I think I'd lose my mind if it were just me!!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  8. #14618
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    Sorry I missed Savana's birthday. Happy birthday!!!!!

    Stacy, I dreamed you were at my house and I was making you pancakes. I was making you the most awesome pancakes, full of strawberries and peaches and bananas, and then I was just stressed because they were made from a box of pancake mix and I was all embarrassed that I wasn't doing made-from-scratch whole-grain pancakes.

    Speaking of stressed, Stacy, what right does your boss have to make you go back to work right after giving birth? Who does she think she is? Don't you get any maternity leave? If you want me to talk to her, just say the word!


  9. #14619

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    Lydia, I've seen you mention before that you're on a high protein diet. What kinds of things do you eat for protein, especially for breakfast and snacks?

  10. #14620
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    Speaking of bosses...I know I need to really start looking for another job, but I'm too darn lazy. I hate change and I guess a part of me always thinks, "better the devil you know than the devil you don't" but lately things have been so uncomfortable here. I even took last Friday off just to escape him.

    He's normally a nice guy, but he goes through these cycles and he doesn't have a clear understanding of when he's crossed the line. I try to take everything with a grain of salt and remind myself that he's just kidding, but everyone has a bad day once in a while and what really pisses me off about him is if he knows I'm having a bad day he doesn't lay off...he lays it on thicker. I almost think he's trying to get me to cry just to see if he can. It's almost like a personality contest and frankly...I'm just tired of it.

    His latest thing is making comments about my intelligence, or lack of it. He was telling me I was going to break my ankle in some heels I bought & I made a smart remark about calling him to say I'll be out for 6 weeks. He said, "That's what I'm afraid of. I'll get someone in here on a temporary basis that's 10x smarter than you and then when you come back it'll be...ewe." He's also made snide remarks about going back to being a secretary, in a tone of voice that indicates secretaries are menial, air headed and lowly.

    I dunno...I'm all about having fun and normally I can take as good as I get, but I can tell when he's not feeling great or having a bad day and I leave him alone. Like I said, when I'm having an off day it seems to exacerbate his antagonistic attitude toward me and it quickly goes from being funny to borderline cruel.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  11. #14621
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    Chrissy, that doesn't sound right at all. I would think that HR would have policies on that and sounds like it would fall under bullying or harassment. Could you talk to someone in HR maybe?

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  12. #14622
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    No way would I do that. It's just me and him...even if I did want to go that route (I do not) it would make things even worse.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  13. #14623

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    Sorry Chrissy, he sounds like he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut.

  14. #14624
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    That about sums it up.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  15. #14625

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    Chrissy, I have had bosses like that. But then again they were in the bar industry which is a whole different world as far as all that stuff goes. Not much of an HR dept in the nightclubs of waikiki. It always seemed to me that they gave me a lot more **** than the other girls because I, like you, had a sense of humor about things and could fire back. Not much they could say bothered me.

    But sometimes it bothered me and it definitely was a little tiring. I mean, it would have been nice if they just layed off a little bit when I was having a bad day. So I know how you feel.

  16. #14626
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Lydia, I've seen you mention before that you're on a high protein diet. What kinds of things do you eat for protein, especially for breakfast and snacks?
    It's most dh who is very strict about this diet and I'm just going along for the ride and to support him in his efforts. That being said, I will usually have yogurt for breakfast, or 2 eggs, or a banana. My snack is one slice of cheese or a string cheese, or 2 pieces of thin sliced ham, or a handful of fruit. Dinner is usually a big pile of greens or other veggie with some kind of protein on top of it, with a very light dressing. You can see I save up most of my calories for dinner. I don't eat a lot during the day. I probably only have about 600 calories before dinnertime, and then I savor my dinner selections:

    *ginger-garlic tuna burgers on cucumber salad with a side of salted edamame, or
    *cumin and lime roasted pork tenderloin with spicy corn, or
    *fish with citrus salsa on a bed of pureed squash, or
    *black pepper steaks with caramelized zucchini, or
    *grilled balsamic chicken cutlets over spinach salad with warm shallot vinaigrette, or
    *salmon burgers with ginger-wasabi mayo, or
    *rosemary lemon-pepper pork tenderloin with dressed greens, or
    *sea scallops with vermouth; arugula salad with blue cheese, pears, and apricot vinaigrette, or
    *chicken Paillard on baby greens

    ----------------------------

    Chrissy, the example you gave of your boss is something that really bugs me. I hate it when people do that kind of stuff, and it's hard to go from gentle bantering to actual hurtful teasing and let them know it's offensive without being seen as a spoilsport. I usually try to just leave the bantering behind and take it completely seriously, ie "It sounds like you're concerned about my intelligence. Have I made some decisions that you're unhappy with? Is there something specific that you would like to address or you think needs improvement?" That way, you're letting him know that he has crossed the line from banter to actual complaint, and that you're taking it seriously and that he'd better backtrack and tell you he's kidding and apologize, or otherwise tell you what he means. And then do that again every single time he pulls the same thing, and do it earlier so he doesn't get to the point of hurtful.

    I've tried a couple of different methods of dealing with people like that, and so far, this has been my best result aside from complete avoidance--which, a lot of times, is impossible.


  17. #14627

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    Your dinners sound delicious, Lydia! I really need to take the time to be creative with dinner. Plain chicken and a tablespoon of salsa just doesn't cut it sometimes LOL

  18. #14628
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydia View Post
    Chrissy, the example you gave of your boss is something that really bugs me. I hate it when people do that kind of stuff, and it's hard to go from gentle bantering to actual hurtful teasing and let them know it's offensive without being seen as a spoilsport. I usually try to just leave the bantering behind and take it completely seriously, ie "It sounds like you're concerned about my intelligence. Have I made some decisions that you're unhappy with? Is there something specific that you would like to address or you think needs improvement?" That way, you're letting him know that he has crossed the line from banter to actual complaint, and that you're taking it seriously and that he'd better backtrack and tell you he's kidding and apologize, or otherwise tell you what he means. And then do that again every single time he pulls the same thing, and do it earlier so he doesn't get to the point of hurtful.

    I've tried a couple of different methods of dealing with people like that, and so far, this has been my best result aside from complete avoidance--which, a lot of times, is impossible.
    Thank you Lydia. I'll keep your advice in mind. I did attempt to say "That was mean" once, and he said, "waaaahhhh" at me. Your way may get the point across without putting him on the defensive.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    I confess I am writing an article summary for my computer class on regenerative medicine. I read the article to my mother (who is totally opposed to stem cell reseach) and she was totally enthralled.

    They are talking about harvesting fat cells and gathering stem cells from those, to use in patients that had breast cancer to reconstruct their breasts. (Liposuction, and then inject into the same patient. not using fat cells from one person and injecting them into another patient)

  20. #14630
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    That's really cool. I remember reading up on various breast augmentation studies they were offering prior to my surgery, and I ran across one where they were using the woman's fat to implant into her breasts. I wonder what the benefits are to harvesting stem cells from that fat? I mean-I get stem cell research and I'm for it, but if it's simply breast reconstruction surgery, isn't the fat in and of itself good enough? I'm not being critical-just curious.

    I feel really beat up today. I'm sure a lot of what my boss said today was just him being funny, but after he goes too far & hurts my feelings I have a hard time recovering from that. I guess that's my issue.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  21. #14631
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    Chrissy, your boss is going way too far and it's his issue, not yours. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

    Lydia, you make dieting sound good!

    I confess after my sister was out here visiting this summer, she went home and sent me 60 separate emails each with a photo attached from her visit. I did not get any home emails at all to my phone for over 24 hours and then I slowly got her emails over the course of about 6 hours, along with the emails everyone else had sent me over that time (normally I get emails instantly on my phone). My work emails, which I can also read from my phone, came through as usual (they come from a different account). I can only assume she sent me so many emails/photos it jammed my system - is that possible? Because I've never had anything similar happen before or since. And most of those pictures I'd already seen on my niece's facebook page so I didn't even need them sent to me.

    Well, I sent an email asking her to please not be offended but she sent me too many photos and it clogged my email system, and could she please not send me so many at once in the future. She did not respond. This was in early September.

    I just saw some very cute pictures of my niece on facebook and called my mom to tell her about it (my dad is convinced facebook is the root of all evil so of course Mom doesn't have an account) and she said my sister emailed her those pictures, along with some of my nephew that I haven't seen. So I said jokingly that maybe Carol won't send me pictures after I complained, and my mom said that I "really offended her."

    Is it offensive to nicely request that someone not send you 60 separate emails with attached full size photos at once? I just thought it would be considered common courtesy NOT to send that many emails out.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  22. #14632

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    Gwenn - I always shrink each photo using the function in MS Outlook before I send any by e-mail. I also don't appreciate getting attachments that will bring my system to its knees. I think it was a fair request, unless you told your sister she was a moron or something.

    Speaking of sisters, we gave her husband notice that we'll be moving out of their house at the beginning of Feb. He is such a cool guy - completely understood and was thankful for how we took care of the house. He confided in my DH that he's been really concerned with my sister's drinking and so sorry they never had kids. I wanted to cry when I heard how he felt and my DH said he wanted to spill everything right then and there. My sister sent us another "I am truly sorry" e-mails, but she hasn't told her husband anything. She just says she wants to be a better person and is working on it. I don't really have anything to say to her yet. I am starting to feel sad that I don't have a close relationship with my sis anymore, but she's just not the person I thought I cared for. DH & I took an exploratory trip to the area we're moving to and got excited about living near the beach again. There's this one coastal farm property available that's a bit out of our way, but I'm dreaming that it'll still be available when we're really looking for a place in a few months. How amazing would that be?

    I confess I'm really excited to be visiting Abbeysmom (and another mom from our due date room) with Bodhi next Monday to have some quality mommy time with her and Abbey in TX. I heart APA for bringing me some cherished friends.

    Speaking of cherished friends, I confess that Bodhi already had a dragon costume lined up for Halloween, but we decided to try on the pirate outfit Lydia gave us earlier this year. He was too freakin' cute in it, so he ended up being a pirate for Halloween. I have to share the photo here. Thanks so much Lydia, and Bodhi sends you his warmest "Yaaaaaar!":

    Last edited by demigraf; 11-02-2010 at 07:41 PM.

  23. #14633
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    I do send some photos via email....not everyone is on FB or I don't want to post to FB. I usually use hotmail for that as they will attach them nicely into a slideshow and I can send 10-20 pictures easily and not crash systems. Plus it would be way too much work to send an email for every picture!

    OMG, Bodhi is really cute.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  24. #14634

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    Thanks, Cosmosmom!

    I confess that I haven't had much online time at all since I became a SAHM again. I feel like I do nothing but chase after a high-energy toddler all the time. I am going to hunt you guys down on FB (I know at least some of you are on Lydia's and Angela's lists) and will hope you friend me back. I like to stay in touch with you guys, and imagine I'll be back online a lot more once I get into an office situation again.

    Now, about that little rally last Saturday. It was SUCH A BLAST!! The crowd was so fun and positive. I didn't even find my high school BFF who was meeting me there from Brooklyn until after the rally. The gathering was so enormous that all the cell phone lines were jammed. We just adopted new buddies from the crowd and each had our own experiences until we finally found each other. I could barely even see Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert on the Jumbotrons. I could hear everything pretty well, though. Occasionally, the crowd would start chanting "Louder! Louder!", but the group of folks I was hanging out with - composed largely of hilarious gay men - would chant "Chowder! Chowder!".

    For anyone interested in seeing pics I took of the crowd, I posted my favorites here.

    Thanks so much for encouraging me to go, ladies. It was definitely a day to remember.
    Last edited by demigraf; 11-03-2010 at 01:37 AM.

  25. #14635

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    Oh my, that is the cutest pirate costume Josh was also a pirate, but it wasn't that good a costume! I wish we had found some boots like that.
    I hope that property you like is still there when you're ready for it!
    And yeah the photo thing is crazy. If she was going to send you that many photos what would be wrong with printing out hard copies and mailing them? Doesn't anyone do that anymore? LOL
    I feel really good tonight, I worked out today even though Aunt Flo is kicking my butt and I had a healthy snack and didn't overdo it like I usually do.

  26. #14636

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    OMG, those rally pictures reminded me that today I drove by some people with Obama signs with a Hitler mustache. I was like, really?

  27. #14637
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    Demigraf, I'm sorry about your sister and even sorrier for her husband. I understand your decision. Since you're committed to moving, though, the farm sounds lovely! I actually started looking at houses online the other day for our potential move to FL although I don't know when that will be. And I agree, Bodhi is adorable.

    Jennifer, the way you send them makes complete sense. Getting pictures in a slideshow format would be really easy to view and enjoy. I do like getting the pictures, I just don't care to have my system crashed - what if DH was emailing me from overseas and I didn't get it?

    Speaking of which, I've made it 6 months so far since he left for training! I feel like that's a major milesone - although when I chatted with him about it last night he didn't share my excitement because it still meant that we had a long time left before he was home again. But, it's six months less than it used to be, and that makes me happy!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  28. #14638

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    I'm glad you've made it 6 months. That is a big milestone. I also really like the picture of him in your sig

  29. #14639
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    I was going to ask about the rally! Sounds like you had a great time.

    Kate - she could actually burn them to a disc and mail them, too. I'm glad you are feeling well with AF - I've noticed recently (especially since DH is gone) my emotions go absolutely haywire around that time. Then after a day or 2 of AF I feel like a totally different person. It's hard to deal with but I will never be able to take hormonal b/c due to blood clotting issues so even if I wasn't planning to TTC once DH is home hormones wouldn't be an option.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  30. #14640
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I'm glad you've made it 6 months. That is a big milestone. I also really like the picture of him in your sig
    Thanks - he looks good there, doesn't he? ;)
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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